THE 80/20 RELATIONSHIP TRAP

   Now before you read this please take heed to this disclaimer...I AM NOT A LOVE EXPERT NOR AM I A THERAPIST, I've just been through some real shit and learned some great lessons because of them! I do not claim that this chapter will offer you great advice or guide you in the right directions when it comes to working out the issues between you and your significant other. It is simply a collection of my own thoughts and opinions. So now that you have been warned it is your choice to accept my randomness at your own risk or reward! Cool?! Good, let's proceed then. There is an old saying that speaks to the balance of courtship called the 80/20 rule. And it states..."in a relationship, you will only receive 80% of what you want/need from your partner and the other 20% that you desire can only be found in someone outside your relationship." Now let's look at the numbers of this equation 80 and 20. Simple math tells us that 80% is greater than 20% but also that 80% requires the missing 20% in order to become 100% or whole. So when we really break it down the 80/20 rule is basically telling us that while engaged in a relationship we will never be able to find happiness or have 100% of what we want in ONE partner. And that my friends is 100% true AND also 100% false. Wait, WHAT?! That's a double negative! How the hell can that be true and false?! Well keep reading and I will share my reasons why!

   The 80/20 logic is 100% TRUE in the sense that we will never receive 100% from our partner because as we age the things we realize we need to live a healthy and balanced life change. The people in our circles change. The activities that bring us joy change. Our desires, wants EVERYTHING CHANGES with time. So even though we spend majority of our days with someone else while in a relationship we are still growing individually. We either get old and mature or age and become immature either way WE CHANGE. And because we are constantly in these states of transformation it can be very difficult to establish exactly what we need from our partners to make us completely happy or 100%. The result of these changes gradually cause shifts in our behaviors. We begin to acquire a sense of entitlement, which leads us to feel that we should be free to make choices but not deal with the consequences that accompany them. We look at the 80% (sometimes more) that our partner is giving us and we get greedy. We start to ask ourselves, "Why can't I have more?! Why can't I have 100% of my needs met?" And it's this mind-set that allows our inner thoughts to manifest into real world situations that must now be addressed outside of our minds. We begin to find reasons to negate the value of our partners. We start to accuse them of not giving enough because we want more. We then forget how much 80% is of 100 and we allow the absence of the 20% (sometimes less) to consume us and drive us stupid. We take time away from appreciating what we already have and begin investing it into something we THINK we want but ultimately do not need. The sad reality is that many of us learn this only after we have sacrificed the 80 in order to have the 20. We failed to understand and appreciate how complete or close to being 100% happy that we already were.

   Now the other side of the scale and why the 80/20 principal is also 100% FALSE is because we DO NOT need to receive 80% from our partner to be satisfied and in a healthy fulfilling relationship. Have you ever been staring at your significant other and caught yourself saying in your head, "how the hell did I end up with this muthafucker?!" You start picking them apart in your head attempting to validate every single flaw they possess then right before you say something mean out loud they look up at you and smile. And their small gesture warms your heart so much it makes you want to jump on them and smother their face in your kisses. Or they make a face at you that makes you laugh so hard that it echoes deep down in your soul because after all these years you still can't understand why something so simple as one of their silly faces makes you feel so special. And it's moments like this and others that we experience everyday that make us remember why we love their ass so much despite having every flaw that seconds ago we were bitching about. That is why the 80/20 rule can be utter bullshit. Because when you have invested time, money, pain, joy, tears, laughter, good times and bad times into someone you love you do so because they have shown you that they have committed to investing the same into you. We accept that our partners are lacking in one form or another because we understand that NO ONE IS PERFECT. And that's not foolishness to love someone who isn't perfect. Who wants the stress of trying to keep a perfect person happy?! SHIIIT I know I don't HAHAHAHAHA. The truth is we accept their 20% (sometimes less) because in our hearts we know that the 80% (sometimes more) that we're bringing to the table is enough to balance everything out.

    The connections we have created and the deep love that we share is worth the sacrifice of petty percentages. So we stick with them because we would rather deal with their bullshit and know we are deeply loved than deal with someone elses and have to question their emotions and intentions! Time has shown us (and every other fucked up relationship we've survived) that if we have to give 80% and they can only muster 20% we cherish them anyway. We don't belittle them because they aren't matching our effort, we salute them because they are busting their ass to give all they have to keep us happy. We know that their 20% is genuine and we have experienced enough to know that their real 20% is more valuable than the faked 80% someone else may be offering. I guess I don't believe in the 80/20 rule because it is a setup. It is basically convincing us that in order for us to be happy and find happiness we need to look for it in others. I have always believed and do to this day that if a person is not happy in themselves they will never find joy in another person or in a relationship. So regardless if you are the 80 or the 20 you need to value yourself. Once you make it a priority to treasure yourself you will attract someone that sees your worth and then you will both create a relationship that isn't built on percentages but on devotion. So there are my random thoughts folks...my take on the 80/20 relationship trap...what's yours?
 
"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring the greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

21 YEARS NOT A FATHER

  The rumors among family and friends were always spoke with hushed voices, so I did my best to ignore them because in the end only one person truly knew the truth. And in all honesty she had never given me reason to believe the quiet gossiping so I never had a reason to question my paternity. Being raised by a single father I was taught to do what I believed was the right thing in any given situation. So with that teaching being instilled in me after being told that my on and off again girlfriend for the last seven years was pregnant with my seed the choice to commit myself to her was easy. Even though the truth was that neither of us was ready to become parents we shared the belief that our child would have a greater success rate in life if raised by two parents instead of one. So we refocused our attentions and basically grew up together in the sonogram room as we watched the tech move the wand over my lady's belly revealing the smallest person I had ever seen in my life. Listening to the baby's heartbeat caused a rare moment that saw two relatively immature people come together and instantly mature because they understood they needed to work together to handle the  circumstances staring them in the face. We both accepted that since we were bringing a baby into the world we would have to put aside our selfish desires and willingly support the child and each other...so it was then that we decided we would be a family...by any means necessary.

   So after being together for almost eight years we finally got married when she was six months pregnant. It was a trip because it wasn't until I said "I Do" that I realized I did. I did love her. I did want to spend my life with her. I had made the right decision. I was still a little ashamed that it took for us to get pregnant for me to accept those facts but we were married now and preparing for a new baby so happiness erased my shame. We happily awaited the debut of our child with youthful and nervous excitement. But deep into her third trimester complications started to arise and eventually forced our hand making an emergency c-section necessary to save both my wife and child. Have you ever heard someone say "I knew the moment I saw them I was in love."?! Well I have never been the one to believe in love at first sight and for good reason. But as it frequently does life found a way to humble me. Her effect on me was immediate and long lasting. It started from the first time I cradled her in my arms, held her little hand and gazed into her beautiful little face I knew that I was in love. She altered my whole life and forced a change upon me that I didn't believe was possible. My daughter's arrival into my world changed every plan I thought I had set in concrete and made me excited about becoming something I never desired or thought I would be fit to be...a father. However the birth of our daughter also brought the end of another life that I loved. The complications that plagued her mother's pregnancy didn't subside after the delivery.

   My wife would pass away in her sleep the morning of our discharge four days later. Unknown to the doctors a clot had moved from her leg into her brain. Because I was now going to have to raise our daughter alone I did my best to always be there for her. Even though she would never have the opportunity to grow up with her mother I promised her she would still have the love of two parents. So she grew and I was there for every moment. I held her hands as she took her first steps. Wiped her tears when she had her first fall. Helped her read her first book and ride her first 2 wheel bike. I made sure that whenever she needed me I was there and even when she didn't I was close by. My daughter gave me a new purpose and healthy zest for life so I did my best to make sure she lived a life that was as close to perfect as I could provide. So for the better part of 21 years I was fortunate to witness her grow from a precious tiny baby into an intelligent, beautiful young woman. And it was on the day of her college graduation ceremony that I remembered why I was more proud of her accomplishments than I was of my own. She had consistently worked so hard from such a young age that it seemed destined that she would complete the rare achievement of earning the title of Valedictorian for both her high school and college senior classes.

   So as I sat in the crowd surrounded by other parents and family members awaiting their own child's name to be called I was taken back to one of my favorite memories. It was of her preschool graduation and I remembered cheering so loudly when she walked the stage then. Even though she was just beginning her academic career she had flashed moments of brilliance so it made me hopeful for what was to come. I was witnessing full circle what I had already seen years before. I was proud beyond expression and the only pain that I felt was that her mother was not here to cheer her was well. On the way to her favorite restaurant to celebrate the end of one journey and the beginning of another tragedy struck our family again. An SUV driver not paying attention ran a stop sign and crashed head-on into the drivers side of my truck. The last memory I had was that of my baby cradling me in her arms, hold my hands, telling me to hold on. I awoke out of my coma six weeks later to find myself hooked up to machines and my daughter sleeping in a chair. I try to move and speak which sets off a series of alarms which draw enough attention that three or four people come running into the room. After being calmed down by my daughter and the nurses, the doctors were brought in to speak with me. I took the worst of the accident resulting in damaged internal organs and blood loss. After being told of what I survived and how long my complete recovery would take I also learned why the rumors and gossip among family and friends was always hushed and spoken in quiet corners. In an effort to save my life my daughter tried to donate blood and a kidney to me but was turned away at first because it was discovered that she wasn't biologically compatible because she was not my biological daughter.

   There are many times that we allow our emotions to override and erase our logic. And even though I never acted like the hushed discussions bothered me nor inquired with my wife if I was truly the father of her child, in the back of my mind I also wondered. But that curiosity was killed the day my daughter was born. It was clear now why the night before she died while holding our daughter she said to me..."no matter what happens between us promise me you will be a good father to her, because no matter what you ARE her father." I always thought it was her way of indirectly telling me the gossip was false and a way to get me to verbally commit to being there for the both of them. Weeks after I left the hospital I remember taking my daughter out to dinner on her 21st birthday day. While talking about my recover and her new promotion she just exploded into tears saying, "I still don't believe what they told me. You are the only father I have ever known!". Battling back my own tears I held her hands in my hands the same way I had done when she was an infant in my arms for the first time. I looked her in her mother's eyes and tell her without reservation..."YOU ARE MY DAUGHTER! And I am the only father that you will EVER need to know!" It was in that moment that we both found peace. It was a topic that we would never address again. I remember getting home that night and going through old pictures as a way to relive happy memories. It was one in particular that caused me to shed tears. It was a photo of my baby girl in her Pre-K graduation cap and gown. I was still proud of that little lady even though the truth of my paternity had been revealed. But at that moment then and in this moment now, it didn't matter because I wouldn't change or erase the beautiful memories and priceless time I had invested in her growth. I was proud of the young woman that I had raised, biological daughter or not, I didn't spend the last 21 years not a father. I spent the last two decades plus enjoying life as HER FATHER and I wouldn't trade that experience for all the gold and silver in the world.

"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring the greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

GOD DOES NOT EXIST

   It was the disruptive sound of activity that jarred me out of my sleep. So lazily I got up and went downstairs to check the source of the noise. As I walked through the living room I noticed the front door was slightly open and as I got close enough to investigate I heard a chilling voice say, "On your knees!" In a startled panic I immediately swung my fists toward the sound of the voice. Thinking I may have been in a dream haze of some sort I felt the cold chill of reality as my hands connected with a face. I had struck someone that was in my home, someone that was not supposed to be there. Going into full offensive mode I began pounding away on the intruder. I was still running on pure adrenaline and fear when I felt another body slam into me. In the dark of the room I struggled to see and comprehend what was happening. Then as I tried to rise to my feet I felt an excruciating kick to my face followed quickly by three more vicious kicks to my midsection. As the pain surged through my body I felt numerous pairs of hands pulling me up to my knees. I hear another voice say "everybody wants to be a hero." Then I heard a round being chambered and then I felt the cold steel of a barrel being pressed against my forehead. After all that had occurred in a brief span of no more than a couple of minutes I finally grasped what has happening. I had woken up in the middle of my home being robbed and was now about to pay the final price for trying to protect it and myself. I instinctively did what I had always done in my moments of trial and tribulations I prayed, but instead of guidance I prayed for God to save me. But it was in that moment that I finally realized a harsh truth...that every prayer including this one was falling and had always fell on the deaf ears of a spiritual being that wasn't the all knowing, all powerful, fate controlling being I had been taught to place my faith and trust into. It was almost comically tragic that the only visible item in the dark room I could make out was the picture of Jesus on the cross. But even in that despair of knowing I was alone, I still stubbornly waited for a divine intervention because habits are hard to break. So I made peace with myself because I knew God was not going to send one because he couldn't. I knew I was going to die and no amount of heart-felt prayers was going to change that and with that confirmation I accepted the fact that...God does not exist.

   Even though I had known her since elementary school she didn't cross my mind until much later in life. And I, never being one for cliches, never thought any more of her than the girl who lived two houses down, the one that would always come over to our house to play with my twin sister.  And perhaps it was because of this that I grew up seeing her as a little sister as well. But as it always does time has a way of changing things and things certainly did change for the both of us. So attribute it to puberty or God's plan but around the 9th grade I started to notice her more as a young woman than that clingy neighborhood girl that was always pestering me. Then the day happened when everything would change, our parents thought it would be cute if I was the one to escort her to the spring dance. It was that day that the spark between us would ignite a fire that would burn for a lifetime. As we progressed through high school I gathered the courage to ask her to be my date for our junior prom. She accepted and it was during our first dance that I fell in love with her and she in love with me. We would go on to date throughout the rest of high school and into college. It seemed Fate made us neighbors and friends but I also believed it was God's purpose to make us husband and wife. And on my 23rd birthday we would speak our vows of dedication in front of God, our family and friends. We would go on to spend 49 wonderful years together in marital bliss. It was on the eve of our 50th anniversary that everything we had built together would be torn apart. My beautiful partner at the young age of 72 would be diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer.  Her life was ripped apart and her declining health tore her away from my world in a matter of weeks, She became a shell of the woman that I had spent more than half of my life with and it broke my heart to watch her fade away. During the last days of her life I took her out of the hospital so that she could live out her life as comfortable as possible at home. It broke my spirit knowing that she would never experience another healthy day. It crushed my soul trying to accept that I would have to continue living without her and that realization hurt more than the greatest pain imaginable. So it was in the end as I held my wife's hand whispering I loved her into her ear that I said one last prayer asking God to save her but I knew he wouldn't because he hadn't answered a single prayer from my our kids, family, friends nor myself since she had been given her death sentence to make her better. So as the life faded from of her beautiful face so did my faith in God because I knew that it was a waste to pray and believe because I was seeing living proof that...God does not exist.

   My wife and I are what many of our family and friends called late bloomers, as we didn't have children until we were well into our 40's. We had tried everything from ovulation schedules to invitro. But we could not bear children. So that made us pray even harder, we prayed so much our knees were scarred. It seemed that our prayers went unanswered until that eventful day when my wife called me screaming and crying at work. She had took a test because her period was late and the test results said she was pregnant. We immediately scheduled an appointment with the doctor and she confirmed the greatest desires of our hearts. I thanked God because it seemed our faithfulness was finally being rewarded. As the weeks turned to months we learned we were going to be the parents of not one baby, not even two babies but to three babies! Talk about an abundance of blessings! Our first time as parents and we would be parents of naturally conceived triplets. We welcomed our babies, two boys and a baby girl into the world with arms wide open. We recorded every moment we could. Snapped pictures of every memory we wanted to treasure. We were as happy as we had ever been. But like the saying goes all good things must come to an end and it seemed like that after all we had endured our happiness wasn't destined to last. We were great parents and did everything in our power to provide the best for our kids but there are somethings in life that you will never be able to prevent or protect against. It was the last day of school and my wife and I went to pick the kids up from school so we could begin our much anticipated and deserved family vacation. The truck was packed and the luggage was loaded. So that night we all slept so we would be well rested for the six hour road trip. The next morning we all ate and talked about how much fun the road trip would be. About 2 hours into the trip our lives would forever be damaged. A drunk driver driving the wrong way on the interstate collided with another vehicle causing a chain reaction that claimed the lives of other motorists including our children who were immediately killed when a car slammed into the side of our truck causing it to flip and roll down an embankment. Years of great memories that I had were suddenly replaced with the image of three little caskets and my wife sobbing uncontrollably as our children were carried out of the church and placed into hearses. As we watched our babies lowered into the dirt I found myself thinking how impossible it was to accept that this was part of God's divine plan. I just couldn't understand why this HAD to happen and what was the reason for it. Why after so many years of struggling to have children, would he seemingly bless us with children then allow us to experience the joy they brought into our lives, then after less than 6 years why, WHY would God cruelly take them away from us?! And as if my wife was thinking the same thoughts she spoke the words that were heavy on my heart. And in all truth I couldn't find any reason to dispute her statement because I knew in my soul she was correct when she said through her tears, "This isn't right. They didn't deserve this...God does not exist."

"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring the greatness out of those around them." - TWIL