It's the morning after my wife and I have had a VERY intense exchange of words and feelings and I'm drained, I don't want to fight anymore. I would just like an opportunity to make today a better day than yesterday. Even though I know it would almost certainly help to de-escalate the previous night's melee, I don't want to be the one that apologizes first for their words and actions last night! Petty I know, don't judge. Laying in our bed alone thinking about the apology that I will undoubtedly be forced to make much sooner than later I remember I need to make peace with her so she will give me a piece of that sweet sweet pie baby, again don't judge me hahahahaha. As I turn over, my sleepy eyes connect with a pair of pretty eyes that are not my wife's. Staring back at me through those eyes is the young lady that owns the other half of my heart...our five year old daughter. She smiles at me and quietly says, "good morning daddy!" I sit up and smile back at her while pulling her up into the bed to sit beside me. I tell her "good morning baby" and ask her how she slept. She replies, "I slept OK, but you and momma woke me up. Why were you arguing last night?!" For a moment, I want to tell her we were just having a loud talk. But our baby girl is more like her mother than she knows. Already as perceptive as she is intelligent I know sugar-coating half truths or telling her outright lies would not benefit either of us so I decide against it. But the reason for open honesty is I feel as our child she deserves to know the truth about what happens between her parents...both the bad and good.
The other fact is that I already have one woman in my home that I love pissed at me this morning so I why risk upsetting another. So as if I am revealing my private thoughts to my psychiatrist I tell her what we were arguing about the night before. As I speak she listens attentively as if she is making mental notes. When I finish speaking she stares at me for a moment to make sure I am finished talking. Then as if she is giving me the most obvious of answers to questions I never asked her, she says, "well daddy you know if you made mommy sad, you should say sorry to her. And if mommy made you sad she should say sorry to you!' She pauses and peers at me to make sure I am listening then continues, "Daddy, you need to be nice to each other, because I don't like it when you and mommy argue." And just like that, I am the beneficiary of very wise words from the unlikeliest of sources. I smile and thank her for her advice and reward her youthful wisdom by unleashing the full power of the tickle monster. Her screams of laughter are so loud it gets the immediate attention of her protective older sister who comes running and barking into the room to verify her little human's cries are of fun and not pain. The tickle monster does its job which is to entertain us both but more importantly it takes her mind off the fight she overheard her parents having the night prior.
Across the house, I hear her mother getting up in the room she slept in thanks to our spat. I quickly jump off the bed to cross her path before she can exit into the bathroom. I catch her right as she gets to the doorway and I "accidentally-on-purpose" bump into her. I use this intentionally random moment to gauge her attitude, a blatantly obvious move to see if she is still pissed with me about the night before. And like a good student before she can speak or respond to my blocking her way I repeat the advice my teacher, our daughter had given me minutes earlier. "We need to be nice to each other, because I don't like it when we argue.". I see the words slightly soften her hardened face and her defensive stance of her arms folded tight across her breasts loosen. Not wanting to waste the brief dropping of her guard I bear hug her tight, kiss her face and whisper into her ear, "You know how much I love you right?!". She turns her head, trying unsuccessfully to hide her smile while lightly pushing me away. I choose not to resist and instead release her. As she side steps me I see her wall has been breached, the frustration and anger she was feeling towards me seems to have dissipated. She tells me, "MOVE BOY!" as she slips past me. And then the magic happens. She sneakily turns around to see if I am watching her walk away and when she confirms that I am she rolls her eyes at me with the faintest of smiles on her beautiful face. The eye roll isn't one of disgust. It is her way of letting me know she has accepted my "apology". She knows, that I know, how much she hates when I make her smile when she wants to stay mad at me after we fight. But sometimes that's the best outcome of our conflicts, to recognize that despite how furious we get, we still love each other. Mission SUCCESS! Yes sir this morning will be much better than the night that preceded it.
Ask any man that has been in a relationship with a woman for a number of years or a father of daughters and they will tell you many times they feel under-appreciated and disadvantaged when it comes to dealing with the females in their world. I am no different. I have had numerous moments where I feel my life would be better if I could just be a bachelor with no babies. How free could I be if I wasn't bearing the responsibility of the titles I earned. When my wife and daughter and dog for that matter have collectively managed to push every button I have, I react defensively sometimes harshly and unfairly. Not to make excuses but I do so because I am not very good at expressing my emotions immediately. Too many times I allow things to build up instead of addressing them in the moment. So when situations boil over it causes me to erupt! I immediately feel fed up from being bombarded by their natural yet to me irrational emotions, and confusing mood swings. In my head as their main protector, provider and THE MAIN MAN in their lives I shouldn't have to deal with THEIR daily bullshit even though I expect them to deal with MY OWN, ass backwards right? Yeah I know but it's complicated being a man hahahaha. One thing that I have learned from marriage and parenthood is to embrace the bad times. The challenging days will come and tough times will linger but the best response from me is to accept that sometimes I can change them and other times I have to deal with them in the best possible way.
It has been in these moments when I fight with my lady or argue with my baby girl that have allowed me to fully experience the low lows and the high highs of being married and raising children. There is no manual or rule book for a man to follow when it comes to being a good husband, a good father or even a good man. So the best a man CAN do, is simply the best a man he can be. I had to realize that every moment with my ladies won't be picture perfect but it is time worth spending. More times than I care to recall I've cursed myself wondering why the hell I even decided to marry and have kids. Truth be told there are few jobs in a man's life that are as demanding, frustrating, stressful or as REWARDING as providing for and protecting his mate and offspring. But that is why as the man I make the choice to persevere! They are the "why" I always strive to be great! I am learning that it isn't a sign of weakness apologizing to my wife for hurting her feelings even when I don't believe I did something wrong. Or allowing our daughter to question me (respectfully of course) when I ask her to do something without hitting her with the "because I said so!" response all the time. I believe it is a mark of strength to recognize when to put my foot down but also when NOT TO FIGHT the battle and when to be a little softer and understanding. For those that know me well they can testify that I talk A LOT of shit about my perceived hardships of being a husband and father. But they can also witness to how exceptionally thankful I am for every day I get to spend with my family. Lord knows, they are not always easy to deal with (and on very rare days they may feel the same about me hahahaha) but my wife and daughter bring a measure of happiness into my life that is truly irreplaceable and I am grateful to them for that. And that folks is my version of the gospel truth...my ugly beauty of marriage and kids...and I regret nothing.
"You are either the greatest contributor...or the greatest threat to your own happiness." - TWIL
