Dear Diary, SUICIDE Has Finally STOPPED My TEARS

Growing up as a young kid I was so full of life. Constantly curious about how and why things were the way the were. I loved to dance and sing to every beat I heard. I rarely frowned and rarely stopped laughing. People would tell me that I had a glow that filled them with a warm feeling when ever I was around. I loved meeting new people, learning new things and going to new places. I loved the world and everything new in it that I had yet to experience. So why am I now standing on this bridge with a pistol in my hand contemplating my death?! Where is that little girl that viewed the world with wonder and amazement. What pushed me to this point? Bullies...I am on this bridge with a pistol to my temple because bullies would not leave me alone. They teased me unmercifully in school. They harassed me on Facebook. They dissed me on Twitter. They called me ugly, fat, stupid, poor and many more horrible things that I don't even want to remember. Yeah my dad and mom both tried to protect me, but they couldn't. Dad would tell me to stand up and protect myself. Mom would tell me just to ignore them because they were jealous and immature. They did their best to shield me from the hurt and as long as I was with them, I could avoid the pain. But it was only so much they could do or suggest to help me. They didn't have to go to school and face them. They didn't know the feeling of being pushed down, punched and humiliated.

  They didn't know what it was like to battle daily against relentless bullies...alone and terrified. I remember that day my Dad finally got tired of me coming home crying from class. He drove up to the school demanding that the teachers and parents be made accountable for allowing their students and children to continually assault me. It did stop for a day or so but once the other kids found out that it was MY Dad, they just became even more cruel with their abuse. I remember hearing my parents talk about transferring me to a private school to make the bullying stop. They asked me what I wanted to do but I knew a private school meant more money that they would have to spend. I didn't want them to struggle with money just because I couldn't cope with the bullies so I lied and told them, I would be alright. I eventually found an outlet through writing and spending time alone. It helped me deal until puberty hit. It happened so suddenly I didn't have time to adjust. My breasts and butt filled out before the summer was over. I felt uncomfortable and even more of an out-cast now because I was the only girl my age in my school that had grown them before everyone else. So now not only were the girls focused on harassing me because of my shape boys were now messing with me too. The girls would all loudly laugh and point calling me a big booty hoe or a big titty slut. The boys would try to grab my butt and chest or try to get me to go somewhere and have sex. I tried to wear bigger clothes to hide my figure but as the weather changed my clothing had to as well.

  My dad actually cried and my mom was livid when I told them how the taunting had escalated. It was the first time I had seen my dad cry and my mom so upset. I feel I have just become a burden to my parents. but I didn't have anyone else to turn to except to them. No girlfriends I could relate to, no guy friends that just wanted to listen. I had no friends to rely on. I couldn't talk to my teachers. I couldn't go to my guidance counselor. I just felt alone. I use to be able to use my writings to leave this world. My writings use to be filled with happy stories but now they read like desperate recordings full of sadness. I am tired of being sad all the time. I am sick of being teased. I am tired of being groped. I AM TIRED OF BEING ME!!! I AM TIRED OF LIVING!!! So this is my last story. I am sorry for all the pain and stress I have caused. I have tried to cope. I have tried to pray. I have tried to ignore. I have tried to stand up for myself. But I am not strong enough to deal. I used to believe that suicide was a coward's way out...but after many nights of crying myself to sleep I have decided that suicide is my only way to beat the bullies and escape the pain. I hope God doesn't hold this against me. I hope he finally offers me the peace that I could not find here on his earth. I will miss my family most. I hope they don't blame themselves because I know they did everything that they could to help me. But in the long run, I think this is a solution that everyone will be happy with. I hope someone finds this book before they find my body then this way they will understand why I am no longer here. Dear Diary, suicide has finally stopped my tears...



Be Safe. Be Blessed
TWIL