My BABY Is HAVING A BABY

   ANGRY. DISAPPOINTED. BETRAYED. That is how I felt the day my daughter came to me in tears informing me that she was pregnant. My first reaction was to grab and shake her while screaming "HOW COULD YOU BE SO CARELESS?! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!! But it was the pain in her eyes and the guilt in her voice that persuaded me to take a different avenue. I knew how she felt. I knew all to well the rollercoaster she was about to get on without a refundable ticket. I could relate to her situation because 16 years ago her mother and I were sitting in the same circle. And it was that memory that forced me to employ a different method of approaching the situation. I remember how our own parents flipped the fuck out when we told them we were pregnant. Both 17. Both in our senior years of high school. Both with bright futures. Both scared to death about what was too come. Our parents scolded us with the same questions that I immediately thought to scream at her. I remember sitting in that room being on trial by fire. I remember feeling like we should have never told them because of what we were dealing with. I know they had every right to be upset but I remember them making me feel alone, that we would not have the support system we needed. I remember feeling so ashamed due to the way they voiced their displeasure about our actions. I didn't want our daughter, my baby girl to feel ashamed. I didn't want her to feel alone. I didn't want her to think coming to me was a mistake. I wanted her to feel accountable but also still feel empowered that she could do this.

    So I just sat her down and asked her to tell me what she wanted to do next. She cried and talked for almost an hour. Telling me about the decisions she would have to make. How scared she was for her and the baby's future. Just crying in my arms because she really didn't know what this meant for her life. I comforted her as best as I could but told her I would not share my thoughts until after she told her mother, that way there would be no sides to take or no secrets to keep. That evening she told her mother who cried as well. That night was probably the hardest one we had endured since the creation of our family. We shared our own fears from our own experiences. We explained what she would have to do and what she may lose. We stressed to her in a non-sugar coated way that... HER FUTURE WOULD NOW BE HER BABY'S PRESENT!!! We shared our angry, our disappointments, and our feelings of betrayal. But we also gave her our encouragement and support. We let her know it would be an up-hill battle. We let it be know that she would now have to deal with the consequences of her choices. After she went to bed my wife and I stayed up and talked. We took that forced walk down memory lane. We judged ourselves asking what could we have done differently to prevent her from making the SAME poor decisions we had made. But as we had our discussion we realized that we were in the same positions that our parents were in years earlier.

   The difference was that this time our daughter would not walk away with the same emotions we had. She would not be shunned and treated as a cast away. She would not feel abandoned. We would help her learn from her mistakes. We would teach her that she still could have a prosperous future but to attain it she would have to work harder and dedicate herself more to have a good life. The next morning we told her our expectations and desires as she began her journey into parenthood. We explained we would support her, the baby and the father but NOT in a primary role, we would only be there to provide secondary care when needed. Her eyes were still puffy from crying all night but she managed to tell us that she didn't expect us to be so straight forward and comforting. She was actually glad she came to us instead of hiding it. Her telling us that made me feel like the World's Greatest Father. Even though we failed to prevent her from walking in our footsteps, we had encouraged her that the path, even though it would be difficult and long and filled with obstacles that she could still navigate it successfully. Months have passed from that morning and we all watch her belly grow and prepare for the arrival of her baby and our first grandchild. I am proud of the preparations she has made and the better decisions she has made going forward. And even though I am comforted that she will have better days than we had as teenage parents I have to admit that it is still difficult for me sometimes to accept that my baby is having a baby.

"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

HIS LAST AFFAIR

   I never thought I would be here. We all know that the choices we make can create our own personal Heaven or own personal version of Hell. Sad thing is we don't realize how much we contribute to our own misery until we are knee deep in it. I lay here trying to calm my thoughts and filter out the sounds of lock down in the place I am now forced to call home. A cold, unforgiving and wretched place where 204 other men spend their days either shackled or caged this is where I reflect on my choices. I could have chosen another approach but I guess that's why they are called crimes of passion. I murdered my best friend and wife in a jealous rage. I executed both of them right there in the room where I caught them having sex. In the room mere steps away from where my kids were sleeping. The room where my wife and I had shared so many memories. In that room I took the lives of the two people who I had grown to love over the last 25 years.

   I snapped there is no denying that. I guess suspecting something then having it confirmed in such a vivid way will do that. I knew my boy was a flirt. I knew he had no limits to the crazy shit he would do, hell I was his partner in crime for most of it. I listened to the stories of him humping other dudes wives and girlfriends but I never thought he would betray me. I should have told him that intentionally going after another man's woman was off limits instead of encouraging him. That was my mistake. A mistake that would come back to bite me. Truth is I knew how he was but I never imagined he would pursue MY WIFE. I mean we were damn near brothers. This was the rule that I should have never needed to tell him because he should know NOT TO TOUCH MINE?! I noticed the subtle glances they would share when they thought I wasn't looking. The extended hugs, the quiet smirks. I saw all that shit but I disregarded all the signs because I was CONVINCED that neither of them would do what I felt was me just being paranoid. I should have made the choice then to confront one or both of them just to let them know what I was thinking. But I didn't. I thought if I accused them of having an affair and was wrong I would lose them both. So I just pretended I was being the victim of my own paranoia. So as it turns out I should have given my suspicions more credibility. I wasn't supposed to be back in town for another three days but the conference was shut down earlier due to the contract talks falling apart. So I came home expecting to surprise my wife and kids. But I was the one that was in for the shock of my life.

    I entered my bedroom to witness my wife and my best friend fucking like teenage rabbits. It was like I was watching the scene unfold in slow motion. I grabbed her first by her hair throwing her into dresser. He tried to position himself to protect himself from my unexpected appearance and subsequent rage but couldn't. I grabbed the lamp off the nightstand and just keep swinging. The screams woke my kids who instinctively ran into our room. What happened next is why I am residing here. My daughter screams at me in tears, "DADDY STOP! STOP HURTING MY MOMMY AND DADDY!" It wasn't bad enough that they were screwing behind my back, in my home but had MY BABY calling him daddy!!! I didn't even feel my hand grasp the handle of the pistol I kept in the safe in the closet. I didn't hear the sounds the slugs emptying from the clip. I never saw the splatter of blood as the bullets took their lives. I just saw the living embodiment of betrayal and revenge. I reacted in a emotional charged rage. I made the choice to succumb to my anger. I had just murdered my wife and best friend in front of my three kids. In a way I know I deserve to be here but I cannot shake the thought that they deserve what they got as well. I know it's not right but I am comforted some nights that my wife won't ever deceive me again and that my best friend had his last affair.


"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

WHY Didn't He MARRY ME?!

   He told me he loved me. He promised he would never leave me. He guaranteed he would never ever break my heart. Well I guess it's pretty obvious as I sit at the altar on what was meant to be one of the most magical days of my life...dabbing my eyes with tissue surrounded by friends and family that HE WAS A FUCKING LIAR. But what really angers me is that, as hurt as I am, I can't say that I am  completely surprised he stood me up on our wedding day. I saw the signs, I noticed the trends yet I blissfully ignored the warnings. Honestly I thought that if I gave him enough attention he would never look for it from another woman. I believed if I met his needs he would never have a reason to not come home. I was wrong. I tried to change the zebra's stripes to spots. I realize that now. I failed and now I am a victim of my own poor decisions. My father is furious beyond description for the pain his baby girl is in. My mother and girlfriends keep trying to assure me that I am not the reason he didn't show up. But I know the truth.

   Everyone is placing the blame on him but the fact is I am MORE GUILTY than he is. I knew. I KNEW he wasn't husband material. I knew that his attitude toward marriage and commitment were less than favorable. Hell his numerous past deeds of unfaithfulness alone should have been enough evidence to convict him of being unworthy of being married to me. But pride is a bitch! Pride gave me false security. I felt that I was the woman that could mold him into a better man. I knew I could make him a good husband if I only loved him enough. I was arrogant enough to believe that I could force him to change. It's crazy because through the haze of my sobbing I realize why you don't care for a sick snake, because in the end it is still a snake. Now I am suffering from the bite I thought would never come but should have prepared for. I actually remembered him telling me bluntly after we had been dating for about three years that he could NEVER see himself being with only one woman for the rest of his life. He thought marriage was a legal way to hinder him financially and restrict him sexually. I laughed him off thinking he was just being an ass. Now how ironic is it that I'm the ass sitting in a big ass wedding dress crying like a baby with colic. I'm the one being laughed at.

   I can't lie and pretend that I didn't play a hand in this train wreak of a relationship. I let him do whatever he wanted. I made it acceptable for him to disrespect me and step out of our relationship without penalty. Yes he isn't shit for putting me through this but I have to be honest and take responsibility. I had and should have taken those opportunities to exit the relationship. My only consolation is that I never conceived a child with him...now that would have fucked this moment up even more. So in the end I guess I should feel somewhat fortunate. All I have really wasted was seven years of my time, money and invested emotions. Perhaps him abandoning me at the altar is the best thing for me. Perhaps this teachable moment will make me value myself as a woman and future wife and mother. I am in pain but I will recover. I will shed many more tears but they will dry. I know the role I played in this show so I have to learn to live with what has happened. Days will pass and I will get angry with what happened on this day. But I will grow from it. Even though I know the answer I will still ask myself for years to come the question that only he can answer...why didn't he marry me?!


"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

She HURT ME Because I Caused Her PAIN

  
   Clean. Slate. That is what we agreed to the night of our wedding. Anything that occurred before we said our "I do's" would be forgiven or given the chance to at least resolve. We decided on a clean slate approach because we had both did things to each other that we felt allowed us to grow because we learned from our mistakes but they could also damage our marriage if we didn't leave them in our pasts. We were building a future together and we wanted our foundation to be free of previous construction so with that mantra we matured and grew together. After celebrating our third year of marriage we learned we were pregnant and that we would soon become parents of a young king...the heir to our throne. Years past and we were still falling in love. We had a beautiful home, promising careers and a child we adored. Then the night that would alter our lives forever happened. I was checking some work documents before our date night began and noticed my wife had left her Facebook account open. As I went to close it an instant message popped up. As much as I preached privacy I was still nosy as most people are so instead of ignoring the message and continuing to do my work I read it. I instantly regretted my choice. The message was from an old acquaintance. She was telling my wife thank you for spending the last weekend with her and how much she looked forward to their next meeting and how she had really enjoyed that they were re-kindling their old relationship. I re-read it a couple of times to make sure what I was reading was legit. 

   Afterwards I just sat attempting to analyze what my mind was desperately trying to process. When my wife walked into the den to ask me about her outfit I snapped. I cussed her out calling her every name I could pronounce and immediately told her our marriage was over. She was caught of guard as to what caused my suddenly erratic behavior until I directed her to the computer screen. As she sat down she started to convulse, shaking as hard and fast as the tears that streamed down her cheeks. She pleaded with me to give her a chance to explain but my rage was in full effect. I stormed to our bedroom and began emptying the drawers of her clothes. Then to the closet tossing shoes, dresses any and everything that was hers into the floor and told her this house was no longer her home. She fell to the floor atop her clothes grasping at my legs, wrapping her arms around my waist begging for my forgiveness. She would find none. I told her she could come back tomorrow with the police to retrieve her items because she would not stay in this house tonight. I threw some cash at her, told her to find a hotel to sleep at maybe meet up with the bitch she had threw away our marriage away for because she would not spend another night with me in what was formally the house we had made our home. She told me I was making a mistake not letting her explain and that she deserved better than this. I angrily replied that the mistake I made was making her my wife and that our family deserved better than this. Her tears then turned into angry yells. She stormed out cursing me telling me she would make me pay for what I had just done and that it would not end like this. I slammed the door shut and watched her speed up the street in the darkness.

   I spent the night crying and sobbing. I was confused and hurt. I kept repeating the words clean slate over and over until I passed out from the emotional drain and pain. That morning I called my mother-in-law and asked her if I could pick up Junior later than we agreed. She could sense something was wrong but I didn't give her enough time to investigate. I needed to clear my head so I showered and drove around trying to make sense of how my life would now proceed after being betrayed by the woman I thought I would spend the last years of my life happily with. I ended up at my in-laws who by that time had spoken with their daughter. They begged me to stay because she was on her way there to see our son but I stubbornly refused. I rushed our son into his car seat and sped out of their driveway. Distracted I never noticed my wife's car. Then as quickly as the flash of lighting there was the sound of metal bending and fragments of glass shattering all around me cutting my skin. The last thing I remembered was reaching for my son after hearing his cries and the sirens of the ambulances. Turns out my wife was as distraught as I was and seeing me again in her emotionally unstable haze she decided the only way to get me to listen to her would be to smash her car into mine and force me to stop and finally hear her explanation. At that moment it seemed like a good idea but it caused all three of us to end up in the hospital that day.

   I thought I had never experienced pain like I did as I forced myself up from my hospital bed into the wheel chair. I never knew the body could experience that much trauma but it wasn't until I saw my boy hooked up to numerous machines fighting for his life that I understood the true definition of pain. My wife meant to get my attention and in her own pain and fear she wanted me to hurt too but it was our son that would bear the brunt of the suffering. She told me that night I put her out of our home that she would hurt me just like I had hurt her. She was true to her word because she did hurt me. And even though I know I'm not directly responsible for what she had done I do feel that my actions contributed to her reactions. It's always hard to make wise decisions when your emotions are going full throttle. Instead of forcing her out perhaps I should have given her a chance to explain why? Hindsight is that you never know how far you can push someone until they push back, you don't realize the amount of pain you can inflict on others until you begin to experience it yourself. I have to accept that she hurt me because I caused her pain.

"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

Your WOMAN Is ALWAYS RIGHT!!!

  Trust me bruh, I can relate. You're sitting on the couch watching the game, not bothering nobody...just relaxing and you hear your lovely lady speak those dreaded words..."baby, we need to talk". In your head you are screaming "What. The. FUCK?! Not this again!" Because you know just like Dave Chappelle said "that every time she says we need to talk that means ya'll need to talk about some shit that YOU gotta do...ya'll aint never gotta talk about shit SHE needs to do." So your chill mood has been instantly ruined because you know how bad these "talks" can get. You become defensive in every answer you give and your body language reflects how much you absolutely DO NOT want to engage in this discussion with her. She sees this and immediately begins to think 1.) you don't want to make time for her. 2.) you have something to hide and 3.) you don't care about her feelings and concerns. And she is right, she is always right even when she is dead wrong. Why? I'll tell you why?! Because even though none of the above is true her emotions and feelings make it real and when it's real IN HER MIND, it makes it true to her! And in the end that's all that matters. So now ya'll are both in a pissy mode because the communication has not been made clear and now the topics that need to be discussed and addressed are not and the both of you are now frustrated and mad as hell.

   So who wins in that situation?! Well truthfully you both lose big but it is YOU the man that will have to pay the biggest penalties. And do you know what that those penalties are...yes you guessed it AGGRAVATION, DISTANCE and the ABSENCE OF SEX. She will reward your aggravation with distance and for what she has perceived as a diss she will cut your water off aka no action, no hot buns, no freaky sneaky, no horizontal hokey pokey...NO SEX! Now she won't consciously withdrawal sex but it will happen. Why because men are physical and women are emotional. She will not be able to forget her emotions long enough to allow you, the one she is upset with, to get her sexually aroused long enough to engage in some good love making. So what do you do as a man, you don't want your lady pissed off all the time because you do love her and want her to feel appreciated and you damn sure don't want blue balls or an ignored erection...so what do you do?! Listening?! YOU TALK WITH HER! Do what?! Yes you gotta stop what you're doing and talk with her when she asks you to do so. Granted I know it goes against every fiber of your manhood to openly speak about your feelings and share your emotions but listening to her is EXACTLY what you have to do. Notice I said talk WITH, not at or to her. You have to communicate with her in a fashion that makes her feel important. In a way that lets her know you are attentively listening to her concerns. She has to feel important in the sense that she is worthy of your direct attention and time. If you take the time to share what is in your head, listen to what is on her mind and freely discuss what you both expect and want to happen it will make the time spent together less hectic and more enjoyable for you both.

   Arguments will not occur as much. Misunderstandings will not be a common thing and most importantly she isn't angry all the time or feeling neglected. You are contributing to her emotional roller coaster going up more often than it goes down and in the end, all that translates to a happy woman at home. Which means you my man, get to enjoy the game undisturbed hell she might even lay quietly in your lap while you do. You won't have to regret cussing her out in your head or out loud and not to be overlooked the added bonus of more happy sexy time! Trust me I know it's gets hard especially when it seems like she is always in your face. But remember if she didn't love you she wouldn't give a fuck what you did. She fusses and sweats you because she does care and she wants to be sure you care about her in return. Now I'm not saying let her walk over you and constantly disrespect you but pick your battles. Like my grandfather told before I got married, if you want to live happily with your woman you HAVE TO LEARN that if you want a piece you better keep the peace. Wise words from a decent man and very true indeed. Learn to communicate and do it often cause if you don't you will never find peace with her and she will never give you a piece either. Don't fight against it...your woman is always right and that's not a bad thing.

"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

One GOOD GIRL Is WORTH A Million Other Chicks

   I never believed in "love at first sight" cause that shit is for love sick idiots. I did however believe in smashing on the first night. So when I first saw her I know I had to have her in my bed. She was gorgeous! Talked with class, had some sexy eyes with an incredible smile and most importantly she had a bad ass body! I mean one like you wouldn't believe! I'm talking curves so crazy that they would make a Nascar driver envious. But it's a trip because I was so caught up in her physical beauty that I never thought that it would be her personality and presence that I would ultimately come to desire. The numerous internal treasures that I couldn't see would be the reasons that I would fall so deep into her pool of love that I would never return to the surface. Now before I bore you with the mushy details of how love came to be I must first explain what I was at the time of our introduction. In the interest of time and honesty...I was exceptionally promiscuous or if you wanna be a jerk about it, I was a Super-Hoe. I loved being with different women and since my "almost a daddy" experience in high school, I had made it my mission to have so many chicks under my sheets that I would be mentioned in the same class as Mr. Chamberlain. Great ambitions huh?!

   But things rarely go as we foresee them going. So there she was in the Virginia Union University campus bookstore looking right! So I approached her and we talked exchanging dorm telephone numbers. One thing eventually blossomed into several and before either of us knew it we had become a couple. Storybook right? Not exactly. We dated for a couple of years then got engaged even moving into together to share a townhouse. But there was a major issue that threatened the potential of what could be. I WAS A WHORE! I lied. I deceived. I disrespected. I was everything that she didn't need in a man, in her life at that time. And it eventually wore her down. One night as I was about to go creep with one of my numerous side chicks she stopped me. She calmly told me if I left that night that she would not be at home once I returned. She proceeded to reveal to me that as clever as I thought I had been, protecting her feelings by concealing my cheating, that I in fact had not been clever at all. She began naming names, revealing places I had been, referencing past voice mails and text messages. She confirmed that she knew I was unfaithful and that she had finally had enough. I would have to choose. Was being with all those other females worth losing her?

   For the first time in a long time I had to acknowledge that my actions had consequences that could affect me for the rest of my life. Now the truth was that I did love her I really did but the problem was that I was also still much in love with the thrill of getting pussy. But now I would have to decide between those two loves. I would have to be honest with myself and recognize which one brought me true joy and peace. I remembered what I knew all those years ago when we first met that this girl was different, special in a way that I had never experienced. It was in that moment that my heart broke. It broke not because my secrets had been revealed or that my pride had been exposed but because I had deeply wounded someone that really loved me and perhaps more someone that I really loved. So to make a good story even greater. I stopped humping around immediately. I went into a voluntarily enforced rehab (cause pussy was my drug), I cut off the other chicks cold. I re-committed myself to her that night. I promised her that since she had put up with my betrayals and bullshit for so long I would spend the rest of the time we would spend together making her happy. I dedicated myself to giving her the relationship she deserved and should have had from the start. It's amazing that the addiction of being with other woman brought her to my attention but the kicking of that habit would keep her with me.

   So now I am very proud to say that eight out of the last eleven years that we have been together I have been 100% sober. We will be celebrating our seventh wedding anniversary in October of 2013. We are the parents of a beautifully intelligent four year old little woman. We have built a life together that gives us tremendously more good days than bad. She has brought so much to my life that I could never repay her gamble for trusting that I would change. I found a rare Crystal in a sea of common stones and I thank the Lord everyday that he gave me the wisdom to fully appreciate her before another man did. I stare at her in amazement most times not just to check out her body (which is still banging after all these years) but to quietly say thank you. She gave me a life that I would never have know was meant for me if I had stayed out in the streets. And when our eyes meet it is in her captivating glance framed perfectly on her lovely face radiating out from her one of a kind smile that I am constantly reminded that I had finally learned that...one good girl is worth a million other chicks.

"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

REGRETS Of A FAITHFUL CHEATER

   My father, who was quite the ladies man himself in his day, told me when I turned fourteen during our sex talk "the wiser your mind gets, the better decisions your dick will make." As a young boy I couldn't understand what the fuck he was talking about but now as I sit on this bed taking what may be my last breaths I understand. It seems my ignorance has finally evolved into wisdom. A little too late I admit to save me...but perhaps not too late to spare another young man a similar fate. I let my penis constantly make horrible decisions that might ultimately cost me my life and I have to accept the consequences of those choices. But sometimes the knowledge we attain isn't meant to save ourselves but to save those that come after us. So I offer my knowledge to every man out there plugging his baby maker into every available outlet with utter disregard for his safety or the potential consequences...pay attention as I share my confessional. Since I became sexual active at the age of twelve (I know I was a fast ass) I have treated females as toys. They were played with for as long as they held my attention then discarded as soon as something nicer came along. I did this shit for years with reckless abandonment.

   So fast forward nine years and I haven't changed. Now in college with so much more experience I have grown into a full fledged man-hoe. It was something that I was weirdly proud of. All the dudes knew I was a pussy magnet and all the women couldn't resist my pull. I was good at whoring because I made my "victims" feel loved. I never disclosed what happened under the sheets so the accusations and rumors could never be validated completely. I made my women feel special, never disrespected or neglected. I gave them more than an excellent dose of penis. I gave them dedicated attention. I provided a shoulder to cry on, arms to comfort them as well as a warm bed to hump in. I was, in my mind at the height of my game with no plans to retire. I was sexing at one time in my career nine women at the same time. Some knew of the others but didn't care because when I was with her I made her feel like there was no other woman more important than she. My championship reign ended the night of my 21st birthday. I met Nicole when I was out having celebratory drinks with my frat brothers. She approached me with a confidence that I was immediately attracted to. So we exchanged numbers. The mutual attraction was so strong that we ended up texting each other mere hours after we met. So as the texts went out my game was turned on.

   I invited her over to my apartment that night and when she arrived I was overwhelmed yet pleasantly pleased because she initiated what was to be the start of many glorious one night stands.  She gave me the best night of my life and for the first time I thought I had fallen in love because her sex game was the greatest I had ever experienced! Over the next couple of months we hooked up on an almost daily basis. Since she never questioned me about having other women I never had a thought to inquire about her life outside of my sheets. All I cared about was that she was giving me all that I ever wanted sexually and that was enough to keep me happy. But as they say "you cannot build your happiness on the misery of others". Now for as reckless as I was I wasn't dumb. I knew after years of being with all those different women that I had never been faithful to any of them and I never cared if I was the person a girl was cheating on her man or woman with. But you know hindsight is 20/20 and Karma is a bitch that doesn't forget a thing.

   So as I was gearing up for my entry into the real world I felt fucking great. I was going to be graduating with honors next month with a guaranteed career position at a prestigious company. I had access to gorgeous women hand over fist. I was living the high life...Mr. Untouchable or so I thought. It all shattered in my face when I answered that knock at my door. Since I wasn't expecting company I peer out the window and I see Nicole's car. I ignored the fact that it was odd for her just to pop up unannounced but because I was always willing to indulge in her loving I opened the door anyway. Standing before me was not Nicole but some big ass dude with a very calm yet threatening expression on his face. He says "I'm Nicole's boyfriend can I come in?!" And with that I am immediately put on guard. So I naturally respond with "Naw man...I don't know you or a Nicole so  you can't come in". Before I could slam the door in his face he steps towards me displaying the pistol that was at his side. I give up my space and gesture for him to enter. He coolly walks past me inspecting my place. I say "look man, I don't want this to get out of hand so how about you sit down and we can talk about whatever you came here to discuss." I gesture him toward the couch and I walk into the kitchen offering him a bottled water.

   He stands in front of the couch with his back to me looking down at it while still clutching the pistol in his hand. I take the opportunity to retrieve the hand gun hidden in the cabinets behind the bar, one of three pieces that I keep scattered around the house just in case some chick got crazy or for the rare moment a jealous boyfriend/girlfriend comes to my pad starting some shit. He turns around and without saying a word raises the gun at me. I try to appeal to him with words but I can see he is past reasoning with. So I move myself into a better position to shoot him if my pleading doesn't persuade him to put his gun down. It doesn't and he pulls the trigger. The first shot hits me directly in the shoulder slamming me into the nearby wall. I immediately raise my pistol and empty the clip. Despite the deafening sound of gunfire I only hear my heartbeat. I swear it seemed like days had past as I was slumped against the stove before police and paramedics finally made it to my place. The resulting memories were a jumbled mess of images...ranging from the EMT's strapping me to a stretcher, to the police trying to get a statement to the bright ceiling lights of the ER.

   The clarity of what transpired in my place after the first shot was fired is made available by my father as he and my mother stand at my bedside crying and talking with the hospital staff. It seems I only remembered and felt the shoulder shot but didn't feel the other three that hit my stomach and chest causing massive damage to my inner organs. I am connected to a machine that is helping me breath now so I cannot talk, forced only to listen to what the nurses and doctors are telling my parents. Apparently I shot her nutty ass EX-boyfriend to death that day in my apartment hitting him in the chest, neck and face. Turns out the crazy bastard had been stalking her for months and finally went into a jealous rage which ended with him executing her and her roommates minutes before he drove to my house in an attempt to murder me as well.

   As I try to accept the consequences of my acts I hear my pop's words in my head..."the wiser your mind gets, the better decisions your dick will make." It seems my mind got older but not wiser. I failed to make the change from a boy to a real man. A change that could have prevented what I am now suffering through. You know every choice a man makes can either better his life or ruin it. So hopefully this is a lesson in life that if you heed, will save you from learning the hard way. This is my gift to you so that you when you meet the right woman you won't treat her as simply an object of sexual attraction. But take the time to treasure her for all her gifts not just the one she sits on. Being a player or pimp is not what men are intended to become. Men are destined to be Kings...Kings that live happily with his one Queen surrounded by their heirs to the throne that she has blessed him with. A woman is meant to bring more than sexual pleasure into a man's life. And until a man sees a woman for more than just her vagina he will sooner or later endure the pain caused by the poor choices his dick makes instead of receiving the blessings by following the wisdom of his mind and heart which will lead him to a good woman. So this is my confessional...these are the regrets of a faithful cheater.

"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

PRO-LIFE Or PRO-CHOICE...BABY'S Point Of View

    Hello there! My name is...well you can't pronounce my heaven name in your earthly tongue so y'all can just call me Baby. I wanted to talk with you both. Why?! Well I have been given the rare opportunity to speak to my potential parents so I'm doing just that. Yes you sir might become my father and you ma'am might become my mother! Excited?! Terrified?! Both?! Yes I'm sure you are experiencing many feelings probably none more so than utter confusion. So let me attempt to offer some clarity. Here in heaven, we get to select the vessels (mom and dad) in which we transcend into your world. So I asked the Lord could I speak to you both. I know, I know you haven't even been introduced to each other. So...potential Mom, potential dad. Potential Dad, potential Mom. Good?! Great! Here's the deal, on earth there is this thing called pro-life and pro-choice which are loaded phrases to describe choosing to conceive or choosing to deny conception. And since the Lord gave mankind the ability to think and make choices, you folks down there have created numerous ways of choosing to enhance conception and many more options to stop it. With that said I need y'all to understand that I am not here to push either of you in your decision making because I can choose to keep chilling here in heaven or come down to earth and live. See that's the power of choice! 

   But I am here to help you understand the decisions y'all made and the factors that contributed to those decisions concerning my arrival or lack thereof. Sooo...allow me to quickly play spoiler. You meet early in college. Date for a couple of years. Fall deeply in love. Engage to be married and move in together. Still with me? Good. During the engagement is when you two will have to decide whether you are "pro-life" or "pro-choice". Many factors will come into play but know that the love you share for each other and for me will not be a negative factor. So here are the facts. You both will still be in college trying to graduate. Neither of you will have sufficient means to provide and raise a baby separately or together. You both want to have kids and start a family. You both also do not want your child to be forced to grow up in poverty or in foster care. You both have used various birth control methods and neither of you have been in this situation before. You both have goals you want to attain and dreams for yourselves and for me that you want to be in position to make reality. One more note...the religious beliefs that have molded your faiths and the judgement of your parents and peers will also have strong influences on both of your final decisions to be either pro-life or pro-choice. Even though the thought of becoming parents will be nerve wreaking it will also be heart warming for you both. 
  
   The final decision that YOU BOTH AGREE to forever changes your lives. And that is why I asked to talk with you first. Truth is I like you both and I just wanted to tell you that regardless of what you decide in the next couple of years I will not hold any ill feelings toward you. If you are my parents I know you will love me unconditionally and for that I will do my best to make you proud and if you are not I know the love you would have given to me would have been unmatched. So regardless of how folks down there may judge you for being pro-life or pro-choice. I won't. Because I know what you have to consider and I know what is truly in your hearts. I have always believed that my potential mother and potential father would make the best decision regarding my well-being and quality of life before I came down the canal and I believe you both have that quality. So whether we meet in heaven or meet there on earth I know you two will consider all the factors and make the choice that allows all three of us to live without regrets. You both will have your own thoughts on being Pro-Life or Pro-Choice...so I just wanted to share mine...a baby's point of view.

"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

It's Your CHOICE To Be OVERWEIGHT & UNHEALTHY

   Some revelations are subtle where others are as noticeable as an earthquake. My revelation about my health was so personal and obvious it shook me so hard that it forever put me on a path to change my life. I woke up one night in late February 2013 in a frenzy because my heart felt like it was going to explode and I panicked causing me to experience more difficulties managing my breathing. I thought I was finally having the heart attack that my Cardio doc had warned me about a couple of years before. I couldn't talk to scream out to either my wife or my daughter so I just crawled to the bathroom and cried. I wept because the pain was so intense and unbearable that I feared I was going to die. While enduring the uncontrollable and uncharacteristically violent convulsions of my body and the tears soaking my face I called out to the God I place my faith in.

   I begged him to save my life. I pleaded to him not to take me away...not like this. Not on the bathroom floor where my wife and daughter would find me lifeless the next morning if this particular episode went bad. After what felt like an eternity of torture the heart spasms finally ceased, my rib cage stopped heaving and I could take breaths without excruciating pain. As I pulled myself up onto the toilet I continued to cry. But now it was out of sheer gratefulness because I knew my guardian angel had done well, she had managed to save me one more time. I stood up in the bathroom and drank from the sink trying to calm myself then I looked up into the mirror and saw a look of terror. And for the first time ever I didn't recognize my own face. I saw a face that was heavily burdened both physically and mentally. So right there at that basin I promised myself that my health would not be the reason I checked out early. I called my doctor the next morning and explained what happened. He explained that because my condition is so sporadic any factor could have triggered the episode. Just wanting to do something and have a little more control I asked him would losing weight help. He said it wouldn't hurt. Less weight means less pressure on the heart.

   So to make a long story shorter. I thought about what he suggested and took his advice to bed for a couple weeks before deciding that I wanted to live better. And to live better I needed to do better, so I changed my food intake and committed myself to a consistent exercise regimen. Beginning March 31st I made a lifestyle change so that my life would change. As of July 30th I have lost 26 pounds. I can walk around shirtless now without having to suck in my gut ever time Crystal comes around. I can run and play with Haven without stopping every two minutes to breathe and perhaps the best result is that I have not had one heart episode not even a mild flutter since I changed my lifestyle! At 30 I am in the best physical condition I have ever been in my entire life and when I look in the mirror I am proud of what I've done and how I look. I won't lie it is a CONSTANT CHOICE to eat healthy and workout regularly but I do it...more so for my girls benefit than for my own...I owe it to them to be healthy and to be here! I am sharing my experience not to flaunt my personal success but in an effort to help someone that may be teetering on the dangerous borderline of living healthy or dying sick. We don't know when or how we greet our last day on earth but I'm doing my best to make damn sure that my last day won't be spent curled up in pain leaking tears on my own bathroom floor. So I guess the moral of this testimony is that after more is said than done... it's your choice to be overweight and unhealthy.

"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

I MADE YOU Stop LOVING Me

   They say hindsight is 20/20 and now I understand why because even though my eyes are wide open it doesn't matter because my soul is torn. We are now so far past apologies that pleading for forgiveness or for another chance would further damage us. I remember hearing someone say that "time heals all wounds" unfortunately for some time just reminds them how deep the cut was and how much it hurt them. I am living proof of that right now. I let my pride speak before I listened to the desires of my heart. If I had just taken the time to quiet my mouth perhaps I would not be standing outside the comfort of your embrace. Standing without you by my side with all my belongings in a box staring at a door that may  remain forever closed to me. I am angry that I allowed it to spiral this far out of control. And the more I think about it the more upset I become. But why am I angry? I should have expected this outcome. It was I who ignored the signs that things were not as good as they once were. I was the one that failed to notice the wedge growing wider to divide us.

   I don't want to believe the truth but truth is something that will never change no matter how much you want it to. I have realized that fact far too late. After I have lost everything that I valued I know that the greatest threat to our relationship came from a source that I never thought would be capable of sabotaging it...me. I think I got comfortable. I think I felt safe as if our union was unbreakable. I believed that because of all we had managed to survive through the course of our relationship that we could recover from anything.  And it was that false sense of security that lured me away into the land of contentment. I stopped putting in the willpower to work. I stopped telling you I appreciated you. I stopped telling you how important you are, how much better you made my life. I stopped treasuring you.

Yes I accept responsibility now. I want to beat on your door and scream out "I WILL DO BETTER! I NEED YOU! I WANT TO BE WITH YOU!" But it's too late. You have had enough. You will listen to my apologies no more. My separation papers have been served. So I leave quietly mulling over all my what-ifs. I didn't try hard enough when it would have made the difference. As I look back for the last time I understand that a relationship will never work with one person trying...it takes two. I relied on you to carry the both of us. I didn't do my part. I didn't share in the labor of love and so in the end I have to accept the role I played in the demise of our relationship. You believed that we would endure. But what you believed wasn't enough. It wasn't enough to make me believe in us. So here I am, alone and tortured by regrets as we go our separate ways. I hate to admit it but I destroyed what could have been a beautiful life together. Now there is no us. The things that I did, the things I was unwilling to do ultimately doomed us. I see that now. I made you not want to be with me anymore...I made you stop loving me.

Be GREAT TODAY, because you may not be given the time to be tomorrow.
TWIL

Two LIVES Were Lost...HIS And MINE.

   I have always been a fighter that's how my father raised us. And being the youngest of five and the only girl I soon acquired the necessary skills to defend myself. I was never the starter but I was always the finisher when a physical confrontation ensued. I only fought when talking just seemed to escalate the situation. To be honest even though I was great at it I didn't like to argue or fight. But because of the thrill I got from fighting I also developed a temper that few could stand to weather. So when we got serious and started spending more time together I will admit I was impressed with his patience. No matter how far off the handle I flew he stayed composed until I calmed down. We eventually became best friends and lovers then after about eight years of dating we were joined as husband and wife. He was the voice of understanding whenever something or someone upset me. He did his best to tolerate my outburst of rage. For reasons I still don't know to this day I began to hit him when we got into heated debates. It first started out as light punches on his chest and pushes on his back when he was trying to walk away from me. Then as my temper became harder to manage so did my physical attacks on him.

   To his credit he never struck back at me even though I gave him every reason to do so because if he had he would have just been defending himself. I did love him but I could not explain why I became so angry that I would result to assaulting him when we were at odds. Maybe it was my desire to fight and win that was created during my childhood that escalated into real violence as an adult in a relationship. Maybe it was his  non-confrontational response that riled me up even more. To this day I still do not know what caused me to treat him the way I did. It wasn't fair to ask him to accept me as I was but he did without question. Then one night it all changed. I was mad at him for spending so many hours at the office even though I knew he was working harder to get in line for a promotion but I went off anyway. I accused him of cheating and at the height of my intensity and anger I slapped him.

   Something changed in him at that moment as if he had finally had enough. I saw it in his face. He had taken a lot of my abuse but the slap must have triggered what he was restraining after all those years because he raised his hand and slapped me back. That should have been the moment when I realized the consequences of my acts but instead I took it as a challenge. It was the catalyst the boiled me up into attack mode. We then engaged in a full blown fist fight. By the time the cops had kicked in the door my husband, the love of my life was hunched against the fridge bleeding badly from the knife I had just driven into his chest. I remember the look of pain in his eyes. Not so much the pain from the wound but the pain that the woman he had loved and tolerated for so long had literally cut him so deep. Upon witnessing the aftermath of our brawl the officers immediately placed me into hand-cuffs and he was rushed to the emergency room. I was allowed to see him because he requested my presence. But it would be the last moment we would share together. He died that night of the injuries I had inflicted upon him with my own hands. Before his last breath he told me he forgave me and that he never stopped loving me despite the abuse. My heart broke into a thousand pieces that night as I watched his heart stop beating and flat line. And every night since I sit in this cell thinking about that fateful day. It was that day that I should've had the wisdom to lose that fight but because I didn't that day we lost two lives...his and mine.

Be GREAT TODAY, because you may not get the time to be tomorrow.
TWIL

Can't Turn A HOE Into A HOUSEWIFE or A HUSBAND

   She was FINE, perhaps too fine. Every man she met become instantly attracted to her. She had a captivating smile and a body that was seemingly flawless. She loved the attention she received and used it to basically get anything from a man that she wanted. So when she told him that she couldn't resist him or his charm he felt special. She made him feel so special in fact that he pursued and wooed her until she accepted his marriage proposal. He was proud to call her his wife because he had done what numerous men before him had attempted and failed to do. She was more than a trophy wife she became his visible symbol of his now elite status. He thought he had found love until his best friend told him that his wife was still entertaining other men. He confronted her and to his surprise she didn't deny it. She told him, "you knew how I was when you first met me...did you really think I would change for you?!" That was the moment he realized that he can't turn a hoe into a housewife.

   He was GORGEOUS, perhaps too gorgeous. He was almost irresistible to women but he also had a well known reputation when it came to loving the ladies and the ladies loving him. So when he showed interest in her, she felt like she was the luckiest woman alive. She tried to play coy as if his attentions meant nothing to her but in fact they were everything to her. So she gave him everything she could to keep his attention on her. She gave him complete access to her life, to her money and to her bed. She had become so smitten by him that he became her sole focus, her only source of happiness. She thought she loved him but she realized that she was in love with the idea, that she was in love with someone like him. She had heard rumors that she wasn't the only woman in his life but she was so blinded by his smile and believed every word that left his lips that she just ignored them. She thought she had found love until she came home from a conference early to discover her husband in bed with two of her friends. She stormed out of the room heartbroken and in tears. He ran out behind her and said "Don't be mad baby, there is plenty of room if you want to join us." That's the moment when she realized that she can't turn a hoe into a husband.

As far as one night stands go this was one for the RECORD books. They had both had numerous sexual sessions with other persons but they had never been with someone like they were tonight. Under the haze of lust they were on each other at full throttle. It was so memorable and intense that the next morning they stared at each with surprise and in awe. They exchanged information and decided to keep in contact. So began the process of their courtship and rise to becoming a couple. After a few months they decided to act further on their brash impulse to become a couple and they eloped. Their marriage was cool for a time and to their credit they both managed to stay exclusive to each other but their uncontrollable desires to be with different people eventually got the best of them. Because they had never been in a monogamous relationship before they didn't know how to cope with the restraints of being committed. They thought they had found love but they were still young. They both felt they had yet to really experience life so they decided that it was better to end their relationship instead of cheating on each other behind closed doors. It was in that moment that they realized that they can't turn a hoe into a housewife or a husband.

Be GREAT TODAY, because you may not be given the time to be tomorrow.
TWIL

MARRIED AND CELIBATE

   When we first met there was an instant sexual attraction. It was so strong that we ended up having what I thought would only be one of those legendary one-night stands I would tell my boys about later. But thankfully we found something greater than the sex appeal we shared and the love we developed strengthened our physical chemistry. I always looked forward to our sessions because they were so intense and filled with passion. Our compatibility in the bedroom allowed us to enjoy a level of openness and comfort that few other couples ever experience. We dated for years until we decided that the time was right for us to get married. Our wedding ceremony was magical, the scenes that dreams are made of. Our wedding night was more explosive than anything I had ever felt. It just reaffirmed to me that I had finally found the woman that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and share my bed with forever. The love we made was nothing short of mind blowing and to a man as sexual as I am there was nothing more satisfying than loving a woman that gave him the greatest sexual experiences he had known.

   I was beyond happy and fulfilled by every aspect of our relationship but the sex we shared made me feel special. I was floating on cloud nine all the time! Then after a couple of years of marriage things started to take a turn for the worst. I began to feel neglected because she was logging more hours at work trying to make partner and the talks we use to have all the time about us becoming parents began to not happen at all. Every time I would take the initiative to make a move to arouse her or ask for sex she would have an excuse to counter. At first I would just be patient and accept her reasons but then it eventually got to the point that she would start sleeping in the other room to avoid the pressures she said I was putting on her. We use to have sex sometimes three times a day now we don't have sex for three or more weeks at a time. One time during one of our now common dry spells I absolutely spazed and accused her of cheating on me because she refused to touch me. But as she normally did when I got upset she would assure me that she wasn't cheating, give me great sex and then I would leave it alone again until the next dry season.

   In my heart I know she is faithful but I just can't understand how we progressively went from not being able to keep our clothes on in each other's presence to not even sleeping together. It just hurts that I have to practically beg her, MY WIFE for the affection and pleasure of being with her that I had become so accustomed to receiving back when we were only dating. And then when we do make love it feels forced like she is just doing it to quiet me down which makes me feel guilty as if I am forcing her. My heart is breaking because I don't want to be without her but I don't know how else to proceed. I have talked to her. I have pleaded with her. I have even threatened to divorce her. Truth is I don't know how long I can live without her touch anymore and the lack of attention is causing me to think about getting it from another woman. I don't want to give in to that temptation because I do love her and I still greatly desire her. I am at a crossroads because I have needs that she used to meet without question but now she refuses to even acknowledge them. I constantly ask myself, how do you make someone want you as much as you want them?! I never imagined that after all we had been through in our relationship and all the great love we made that the one thing that could threaten to break us down and break us apart is being married and celibate.

Be GREAT TODAY, because you may not be given the time to be tomorrow.
TWIL

LOVE Will Always Be COLOR BLIND

    I will admit I never grew up having to deal with racial issues because mostly everyone in my life was beige. From home to school to church everyone I encountered shared the same skin tone as me. It wasn't until I left my little town to attend college that I was exposed to the different shades of the human rainbow. I will admit it was a huge adjustment and a bit of a reality shock but I was able to adapt. I met some really cool and accepting people during my freshman year, people of all hues and backgrounds. The experiences I shared with them exposed me to various cultures, beliefs and allowed me to realize that some the stereotypes that I had about other races and my own proved to be more often false than true. During my junior year while attending a party with some of my dorm-mates I met the most intriguing man I had ever encountered. He was easy to talk to, extremely funny and was very attractive. But I had initial reservations about letting him know I was interested in him because he was brown and I had never dated a brown man before but my girl-friends urged me to share my feelings. 

   So a couple of months later when I ran into him in the library I took the opportunity to approach him. As we talked we both confessed our mutual attractions for each other. From that day forward we became almost inseparable. I would almost say it was love at first sight. We spent most of our free time being together. Doing homework, watching movies, sharing meals and just enjoying each other's company. After about nine months I decided I wanted him to meet my family. So during Thanksgiving break we visited my parent's home. My father and mother welcomed him with open arms with only my dad grilling him as he had done all my former boyfriends. Everything seemed to be going great until my grandparents arrived. My grandmother would not acknowledge him and my grandfather openly shared his disapproval of me being involved with a black man, saying to him "I'm sure you're a nice guy but you should stick with your own kind and leave my grand-daughter alone." I had never felt ashamed until that moment. I was hurt and disappointed in them. I was embarrassed but more so because the man I had fallen in love with had to be subjected to such nonsense at the hands of those I called my family. But to his credit he handled them and the tension filled situation with class and grace never once showing that he was grossly offended by their views.

   It was in that moment that I realized that I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. I actually fell deeper in love with him that day because of the way he chose to respond. On the ride home he made me laugh about the encounter and assured me that he wouldn't bend to outside influences when it came to our relationship. We continued our courtship and it grew grandly. It culminated in him proposing in front of his parents and mine moments after we both graduated from college. After we were married we began to really experience how much race mattered to other people. And even though sometimes it is just rude and hard to ignore we have adapted to the stares and odd questions about how two people like us ended up together and in love. We aren't dumb to the fact that there are many people that still believe as my grand-parents do that people of the same race should only be with their own but love doesn't care if your skin tones match. It just cares if your hearts and desires are on the same page. Years later I can honestly say we are happy together and that is what being in love is all about. I was blessed to find him and him to find me. So as we prepare to bring our twin daughters into this world we are thankful that we learned that even if people are not...love will always be color blind.

Be GREAT TODAY, because you may not be given the time to be tomorrow
TWIL

ACCEPTING That My DAUGHTER Is GAY

  

    I remember holding her the day she was born and making a silent promise to her and to God that I would do everything in my power to protect and prepare her. Even though that day was over twenty years ago I still try to honor that promise. I will admit after her mother died I felt that I no longer had the support I needed to protect or prepare her but with the Lord's grace we were able to endure. As a parent you try to give your child everything you had growing up and everything you didn't. So I spoiled her with everything I could afford and I raised her according to the values and beliefs that helped mold my own childhood and guide me as an adult. I encouraged her to learn on her own so that she could apply her own wisdom to situations and not simply take my advice or others without question. She grew up to be a fiercely independent, bold, intelligent and beautiful young lady a mirror image of the woman her mother was. As she entered high school I made peace that she would start to get more attention from boys and probably give some to them herself. Because I didn't want to sugarcoat any situation we openly talked about love and sex so that she would be prepared. I was proud that she never succumbed to the pressures and consequences some of her friends had suffered like pregnancy or contracting a sexually transmitted disease. 
  
   Then one day as I was preparing to get into bed she knocked at my door and asked could she talk to me. Our one-on-ones were very common but from her tone I suddenly became uncomfortably about what she wanted to discuss with me. I got up and followed her to the dinning room where we sat down to talk. The first thing she said was "I prayed about this and I feel comfortable enough to share this with you. BUT please listen to everything I say BEFORE you respond." I assured her she had my attention and silence as she prepared to talk. I listened to her sometimes teary revelation for about thirty minutes as she told me that she was attracted to women and how she felt that I might shun and disown her because of it. As promised I waited until she was finished before I spoke. I sat staring at her for a couple of minutes gathering my thoughts. I began by telling her my feelings about homosexuality and her being gay. I explained to her why I didn't understand or believe in same sex attractions and that only men and woman can create and birth children. She explained to me her feelings about being gay and how she planned to deal with the drama that came with the lifestyle. We ended up talking for hours sharing our views, understandings and more importantly our expectations.

   Afterwards even though we were standing on opposite sides of the fence we accepted that were still standing on the same lawn. I told her that it would take time for me to accept her lifestyle and she told me she would continue to try to respect my positions about it. It took a couple of months for us to fully vibe again but we eventually humbled ourselves enough not to judge or be angry with each other. Because in the end I accepted that they were her decisions to make and her life to live. And she accepted that she would have to live her life with the consequences and benefits of her decisions. I learned a lot about our daughter and myself that day. I became even more confident that I had kept my promise to protect and prepare her and she found a source of support in her father. With her revelation and my response we realized that we could truly talk about anything and even if we didn't agree we would still respect each other. Regardless of her sexual orientations I am very proud of the young woman that I call my daughter and I pray she is proud of her father. She has done what her mother and I had always raised her to do, make the best decisions possible given the information she had available. She is living her life happily according to her own rules. I will admit that yes it sounds crazy but the hardest and easiest thing to do...was accepting that my daughter is gay.

Be GREAT TODAY, because you may not be given the time to be tomorrow.
TWIL

$#&! VALENTINE'S DAY!!!

    He finally thought she was the one. He was confident that he found the woman that he would spend the rest of his life with. She was intelligent, funny, beautiful, elegant and had a body models would kill for. But what he didn't know was that she also had a dark secret that would eventually be revealed on the worst of all days imaginable...their wedding day, Valentine's Day. When the preacher asked if any person has good reason why they shouldn't be married, his best man stepped forward. He sadly confessed to sleeping with his best friend's soon to be future wife. And like a dagger to his heart in front of all their family and friends she tearfully confirmed the confession. His wedding day was supposed to begin a lifetime of happiness on the day created to celebrate love. But at the end of that day he would only remember the misery and pain. So that's why every year on the 14th of February while everyone is being all extra lovey dovey...he sits back shaking his head with his arms crossed thinking maaan...$#&! VALENTINE'S DAY!!!

   She was happy. Something she hadn't experienced in what seemed like decades. She had met the most amazing man. He treated her like royalty from the first day they met in the coffee shop. He was considerate and caring. He made her feel like no other woman in the world was more important than she was when they were together. She was so excited to be spending Valentine's Day with him that she bought a new dress and sexy underwear because she knew tonight she would give him her greatest gift. The date was magical and as they were leaving the restaurant she knew in him she had found something special. Until his wife confronted them. She attacked her husband as he was opening the car door for her. Then turned her rage on her as she tried to explain that she didn't know he was married. The cab ride back to her home was sickening. She could only think about the embarrassment and disappointment. So that's why every year on the 14th of February while everyone is being all extra lovey dovey...she sits back shaking her head with her arms crossed thinking girrrl...$#&! VALENTINE'S DAY!!!

They knew they had married for the wrong reasons but they still tried to make it work for the kid's sake. After over a decade of faking and pretending to be happy they both admitted their relationship was over. The love was there but it wasn't enough to resolve the numerous issues that plagued their union. It seemed like fate that their divorce would be finalized on the anniversary of their first date, Valentine's Day. It was awkward to be sitting at a lawyer's office table instead of at a candle lit dinner table. But they knew what needed to be done. They had to save face now so that they both could continue on with their lives and so that the kids wouldn't have to suffer the effects of a broken and divided home any longer. They signed the papers, shook hands and went their separate ways. There is something painful about divorce it is like a reaffirmation of a failure you acknowledged too late. So that's why every year on the 14th of February while everyone is being all extra lovey dovey...they sit back shaking their heads with their arms crossed thinking...$#&! VALENTINE'S DAY!!!

Be GREAT TODAY, because you may not given the time to be tomorrow.
TWIL

What if HE was YOUR SON?!

   "I want to tell you a story. I'm going to ask you to close your eyes while I tell you the story. I want you to listen to me. I want you to listen to yourselves. Go ahead. Close your eyes, please. This is a story about a young man walking home from the grocery store one rainy afternoon. I want you to picture this young man. Can you see him? Bundled up, with a hoodie pulled over his head to keep the rain off his face as he carries a small bag of Skittles and Iced Tea home for his younger brother. Suddenly a man appears in the complex of his father's home and confronts him. The man is a stranger to the young man yet he is questioning him why he is here. The young man tells the stranger he doesn't know him and that he doesn't have to answer him. The stranger demands that he responds to him and becomes agitated at the young man's perceived defiance.
 
   The young man again confirms that he is a stranger and he owes him no such explanation. Words are exchanged and a fist fight ensues as the rain falls during the dark night. A gun is pulled and shots are fired. The young boy's body goes limp and cold. The stranger stands up and paces nervously around the body waiting for the police who told him not to confront the young man to appear. The young man is pronounced dead on the scene. The stranger is allowed to return to his home with his weapon, the same gun that was used in the altercation that resulted in the boy's death.  The boy's body is taken to the morgue. Can you see him? His body is tested for drugs. And even though a mobile phone is on his person no attempt to go through it and contact family was made so he is toe tagged and listed as a John Doe.

   Can you see him? Laying there on the metal slab with a sheet draped over him. His father concerned that his son didn't return home nor was he reachable on his phone files a missing person's report only to have the local police come to his home bearing photo's of his son's corpse. Can you see him? I want you to picture that young man in the police photos. His life taken away from him at 17 during an avoidable dispute with an armed self appointed neighborhood watch man. What lengths would you go to get justice for him?! Can you see him?!" What if he was your son?!*


*Premise Based on Jake Brigance's closing in "A Time To Kill"

Dedicated to all persons that have lost their lives to violence and to their families that are still seeking Justice to honor them.

Be GREAT TODAY, because you may not be given the time to be tomorrow
TWIL

IN OUR DAUGHTER'S EYES

 When it really hit me that I was going to become a father I cried. I sat up one night and just balled. I didn't know if I was ready to accept the responsibility of caring for a life outside of his own. Sure I had a wife but she was independent in the sense that she didn't need me to provide and care for her, she just let me do it. A child would be different. In order to survive they would need my complete and total attention. A child would depend on me for everything ranging from food to protection during their first years of life. After many prayers had been said and many tears had fallen I made peace with what was to come. I accepted the task that had been appointed to me by the good Lord. I was ready to help my wife welcome our child into the world. So I went full throttle. I attended every class and doctor's appointment I could. I read numerous parenting books, browsed Internet sites and I soaked up all the tips and advice I could from my own family and friends that had raised up their own children. I was ready! But then as with most situations in my life, I experienced that moment when I believed that I was prepared to handle one thing but then had to readjust my whole game plan because the situation had dramatically changed. Everything that I thought I was prepared for was turned upside down. My moment occurred when the ultrasound tech looked at my wife and I then while pointing to an image on a screen smiled and said "Congratulations! You're having a little girl!"

   Since we had experienced tragedies with previous pregnancies we didn't care about the baby's sex we were just concerned with the baby's overall health. But when I heard I would be a father to a daughter I immediately felt unprepared and began to unravel all over again. A daughter meant that I would bear the momentous burden of a blessing of becoming the sole model by which all the men in her life would be measured against. Not only would I be tasked with protecting and providing for her but I would have to properly prepare her how to deal with men, more specifically men like me! Then that's when my heart sank into the darkest pits of my stomach. I would have to face my greatest fears which meant taking responsibility for all the dirt I had done to the women in my life and most shamefully to her own mother. I just keep thinking how would I react when I was faced with that great confrontation when our daughter was of age to date. What I would do when she brought home a boy/man that is the exact replica of what I used to be. What if she falls in love with the same type of unworthy man that her mother fell in love with...me! I was calmly loosing my mind in the exam room. Our daughter wasn't even out of the womb yet and I was flipping out. Then as quickly as my panic began it stopped. I was calmed by the sound of a pounding pulse being amplified over the monitor speakers.

   It was the beautiful sound of our unborn daughter's strong heart beat. As it echoed through my ears for the first time in my young life I believe I had felt the presence of God. It was at that moment that I finally understand my purpose. I knew then that our daughter would benefit from the guidance of her mother and the experience of her father. She would have a formidable team supporting her throughout her life. So regardless if she was to experience what her mother did she would be able to survive and prosper through it because she had us to learn from and lean on if needed. I was finally viewing the entire picture. I had been told all my life that the good Lord has a plan for us all and I was fully prepared to play my part. Even though my ears were listening to her heart beat it was my eyes that were benefiting. Because at that moment I saw that after all the wrong I had ever committed, after all the tears I had ever caused to fall, after all the pain I had ever inflicted...I saw an opportunity to redeem myself. I saw a reason to become a better man. That vision changed me. Months later I was holding in my arms the product of the great testament of love my wife and I shared. I looked onto my daughters face and officially welcomed her into the world. When her little eyes met with mine for the first, of what would be many times, I saw the true definition of unconditional love...in our daughter's eyes.

I would like to wish our baby girl a BLESSED 4th BIRTHDAY!!!
May the Lord bless you to celebrate many more.
LOVE YOU DEARLY ANGEL FACE

Be GREAT TODAY, because you may not be given the time to be tomorrow.
TWIL

When Saying I'M SORRY Isn't ENOUGH?!

   I always knew that every choice I ever made carried with it a price that had to be paid. And up until that moment I had always trusted the decisions I made and I learned to move on regardless if the outcome was good or bad. But recently I find myself rethinking some of my choices. One choice in particular has taught me one of the harshest lessons in life and I am now being forced to live with regrets. Truth is I would have never given him the ultimatum if I knew what the penalty would be. But it's like the old folks say hindsight is 20/20. It was only after the damage had been done that I realized that I broke his heart. I betrayed his trust. I destroyed ever ounce of faith he had in me and possibly in our relationship. It all began our freshman year in college when his best friend and I had a misunderstanding over the roles in his life. The situation quickly escalated to the point that we couldn't be in the same room without arguing or cursing each other out. Eventually our mutual disdain for each other erupted into a full blown fist fight at a fraternity party senior year. It was in that moment of an alcohol and frustration fueled rage that I screamed at him "YOU CHOOSE NOW! EITHER SHE GOES OR I GO!" I had let my anger get the best of me. I let emotions cloud my judgements that night and I forced him into a corner. I was making him choose between his love for his best friend and his love for me.

   He had known her since they were in grade school. They grew up together and become close like a brother and sister over the years and ending up at the same college just strengthened their bond. But I didn't care about any of that. When he first introduced me to her I immediately saw her as competition instead of embracing her as an important part of his life. He always confirmed her status as a "little sister" and even made it a point to stress his love for me whenever she was around because he could feel my insecurities. I knew it was childish to force him to choose but he did. And when he choose me I felt like I had won the lottery. I admit I knew it hurt her to her heart to lose her childhood friend. She even pleaded to me a couple of months later begging me to reconsider because she knew how much we both meant to him. But I gave into my selfish demands without even thinking how they would affect him. I had complete control now and I would not give up my victory. It wasn't until years later when we were planning our wedding that I realized how much she truly had meant to him. They had keep in contact indirectly through their parents so he wouldn't break his vow to me. So he asked me could he at least after all these years call her and personally invite her. It was at that moment I was given a chance to right my wrongs and show my future husband that I had grown but I was adamant about keeping them apart so I forbid him to invite her. So with a heavy heart he didn't and we married without his best friend there to congratulate him.

   When we returned from our honeymoon we were greeted with the voicemail that I still cannot erase from my mind's memory. Lisa had been killed in a head-on collision and her funeral was taking place in a couple of days. It was then that I realized my greatest mistake. I had never witnessed him cry but he did in an uncontrollable fit of pain. It wasn't just his tears that were hard to see fall it was the look on his face when he looked at me. I had kept him away from his childhood friend for over ten years because I thought she was going to prevent my happily ever after. Because of my foolishness not only did he not get to have his best friend celebrate his wedding but he also missed the chance to pay his last respects to her. I see now that he carries the guilt ridden burden of his best friend dying without being in her life when it mattered. It hurts when you realize that there are some things in life that are never worth having if you knew what you would lose in order to get it. Now my nights are spent in a sleepless nightmare filled haze. Because I have no answers. I have no plan of action to bring him back. The only thing I had to offer him was an "I'm Sorry". Even though he has never spoke about it since I made him choose between us I know he must hate me. And I have no one to blame but myself because if I were in his shoes I would feel the same way. I am torn because what do you say when saying I'm sorry isn't enough?!

Be GREAT TODAY, because you may not be given the time to be tomorrow.
TWIL