I always knew that every choice I ever made carried with it a price that had to be paid. And up until that moment I had always trusted the decisions I made and I learned to move on regardless if the outcome was good or bad. But recently I find myself rethinking some of my choices. One choice in particular has taught me one of the harshest lessons in life and I am now being forced to live with regrets. Truth is I would have never given him the ultimatum if I knew what the penalty would be. But it's like the old folks say hindsight is 20/20. It was only after the damage had been done that I realized that I broke his heart. I betrayed his trust. I destroyed ever ounce of faith he had in me and possibly in our relationship. It all began our freshman year in college when his best friend and I had a misunderstanding over the roles in his life. The situation quickly escalated to the point that we couldn't be in the same room without arguing or cursing each other out. Eventually our mutual disdain for each other erupted into a full blown fist fight at a fraternity party senior year. It was in that moment of an alcohol and frustration fueled rage that I screamed at him "YOU CHOOSE NOW! EITHER SHE GOES OR I GO!" I had let my anger get the best of me. I let emotions cloud my judgements that night and I forced him into a corner. I was making him choose between his love for his best friend and his love for me.
He had known her since they were in grade school. They grew up together and become close like a brother and sister over the years and ending up at the same college just strengthened their bond. But I didn't care about any of that. When he first introduced me to her I immediately saw her as competition instead of embracing her as an important part of his life. He always confirmed her status as a "little sister" and even made it a point to stress his love for me whenever she was around because he could feel my insecurities. I knew it was childish to force him to choose but he did. And when he choose me I felt like I had won the lottery. I admit I knew it hurt her to her heart to lose her childhood friend. She even pleaded to me a couple of months later begging me to reconsider because she knew how much we both meant to him. But I gave into my selfish demands without even thinking how they would affect him. I had complete control now and I would not give up my victory. It wasn't until years later when we were planning our wedding that I realized how much she truly had meant to him. They had keep in contact indirectly through their parents so he wouldn't break his vow to me. So he asked me could he at least after all these years call her and personally invite her. It was at that moment I was given a chance to right my wrongs and show my future husband that I had grown but I was adamant about keeping them apart so I forbid him to invite her. So with a heavy heart he didn't and we married without his best friend there to congratulate him.
When we returned from our honeymoon we were greeted with the voicemail that I still cannot erase from my mind's memory. Lisa had been killed in a head-on collision and her funeral was taking place in a couple of days. It was then that I realized my greatest mistake. I had never witnessed him cry but he did in an uncontrollable fit of pain. It wasn't just his tears that were hard to see fall it was the look on his face when he looked at me. I had kept him away from his childhood friend for over ten years because I thought she was going to prevent my happily ever after. Because of my foolishness not only did he not get to have his best friend celebrate his wedding but he also missed the chance to pay his last respects to her. I see now that he carries the guilt ridden burden of his best friend dying without being in her life when it mattered. It hurts when you realize that there are some things in life that are never worth having if you knew what you would lose in order to get it. Now my nights are spent in a sleepless nightmare filled haze. Because I have no answers. I have no plan of action to bring him back. The only thing I had to offer him was an "I'm Sorry". Even though he has never spoke about it since I made him choose between us I know he must hate me. And I have no one to blame but myself because if I were in his shoes I would feel the same way. I am torn because what do you say when saying I'm sorry isn't enough?!
Be GREAT TODAY, because you may not be given the time to be tomorrow.
TWIL
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