IN OUR DAUGHTER'S EYES

 When it really hit me that I was going to become a father I cried. I sat up one night and just balled. I didn't know if I was ready to accept the responsibility of caring for a life outside of his own. Sure I had a wife but she was independent in the sense that she didn't need me to provide and care for her, she just let me do it. A child would be different. In order to survive they would need my complete and total attention. A child would depend on me for everything ranging from food to protection during their first years of life. After many prayers had been said and many tears had fallen I made peace with what was to come. I accepted the task that had been appointed to me by the good Lord. I was ready to help my wife welcome our child into the world. So I went full throttle. I attended every class and doctor's appointment I could. I read numerous parenting books, browsed Internet sites and I soaked up all the tips and advice I could from my own family and friends that had raised up their own children. I was ready! But then as with most situations in my life, I experienced that moment when I believed that I was prepared to handle one thing but then had to readjust my whole game plan because the situation had dramatically changed. Everything that I thought I was prepared for was turned upside down. My moment occurred when the ultrasound tech looked at my wife and I then while pointing to an image on a screen smiled and said "Congratulations! You're having a little girl!"

   Since we had experienced tragedies with previous pregnancies we didn't care about the baby's sex we were just concerned with the baby's overall health. But when I heard I would be a father to a daughter I immediately felt unprepared and began to unravel all over again. A daughter meant that I would bear the momentous burden of a blessing of becoming the sole model by which all the men in her life would be measured against. Not only would I be tasked with protecting and providing for her but I would have to properly prepare her how to deal with men, more specifically men like me! Then that's when my heart sank into the darkest pits of my stomach. I would have to face my greatest fears which meant taking responsibility for all the dirt I had done to the women in my life and most shamefully to her own mother. I just keep thinking how would I react when I was faced with that great confrontation when our daughter was of age to date. What I would do when she brought home a boy/man that is the exact replica of what I used to be. What if she falls in love with the same type of unworthy man that her mother fell in love with...me! I was calmly loosing my mind in the exam room. Our daughter wasn't even out of the womb yet and I was flipping out. Then as quickly as my panic began it stopped. I was calmed by the sound of a pounding pulse being amplified over the monitor speakers.

   It was the beautiful sound of our unborn daughter's strong heart beat. As it echoed through my ears for the first time in my young life I believe I had felt the presence of God. It was at that moment that I finally understand my purpose. I knew then that our daughter would benefit from the guidance of her mother and the experience of her father. She would have a formidable team supporting her throughout her life. So regardless if she was to experience what her mother did she would be able to survive and prosper through it because she had us to learn from and lean on if needed. I was finally viewing the entire picture. I had been told all my life that the good Lord has a plan for us all and I was fully prepared to play my part. Even though my ears were listening to her heart beat it was my eyes that were benefiting. Because at that moment I saw that after all the wrong I had ever committed, after all the tears I had ever caused to fall, after all the pain I had ever inflicted...I saw an opportunity to redeem myself. I saw a reason to become a better man. That vision changed me. Months later I was holding in my arms the product of the great testament of love my wife and I shared. I looked onto my daughters face and officially welcomed her into the world. When her little eyes met with mine for the first, of what would be many times, I saw the true definition of unconditional love...in our daughter's eyes.

I would like to wish our baby girl a BLESSED 4th BIRTHDAY!!!
May the Lord bless you to celebrate many more.
LOVE YOU DEARLY ANGEL FACE

Be GREAT TODAY, because you may not be given the time to be tomorrow.
TWIL

When Saying I'M SORRY Isn't ENOUGH?!

   I always knew that every choice I ever made carried with it a price that had to be paid. And up until that moment I had always trusted the decisions I made and I learned to move on regardless if the outcome was good or bad. But recently I find myself rethinking some of my choices. One choice in particular has taught me one of the harshest lessons in life and I am now being forced to live with regrets. Truth is I would have never given him the ultimatum if I knew what the penalty would be. But it's like the old folks say hindsight is 20/20. It was only after the damage had been done that I realized that I broke his heart. I betrayed his trust. I destroyed ever ounce of faith he had in me and possibly in our relationship. It all began our freshman year in college when his best friend and I had a misunderstanding over the roles in his life. The situation quickly escalated to the point that we couldn't be in the same room without arguing or cursing each other out. Eventually our mutual disdain for each other erupted into a full blown fist fight at a fraternity party senior year. It was in that moment of an alcohol and frustration fueled rage that I screamed at him "YOU CHOOSE NOW! EITHER SHE GOES OR I GO!" I had let my anger get the best of me. I let emotions cloud my judgements that night and I forced him into a corner. I was making him choose between his love for his best friend and his love for me.

   He had known her since they were in grade school. They grew up together and become close like a brother and sister over the years and ending up at the same college just strengthened their bond. But I didn't care about any of that. When he first introduced me to her I immediately saw her as competition instead of embracing her as an important part of his life. He always confirmed her status as a "little sister" and even made it a point to stress his love for me whenever she was around because he could feel my insecurities. I knew it was childish to force him to choose but he did. And when he choose me I felt like I had won the lottery. I admit I knew it hurt her to her heart to lose her childhood friend. She even pleaded to me a couple of months later begging me to reconsider because she knew how much we both meant to him. But I gave into my selfish demands without even thinking how they would affect him. I had complete control now and I would not give up my victory. It wasn't until years later when we were planning our wedding that I realized how much she truly had meant to him. They had keep in contact indirectly through their parents so he wouldn't break his vow to me. So he asked me could he at least after all these years call her and personally invite her. It was at that moment I was given a chance to right my wrongs and show my future husband that I had grown but I was adamant about keeping them apart so I forbid him to invite her. So with a heavy heart he didn't and we married without his best friend there to congratulate him.

   When we returned from our honeymoon we were greeted with the voicemail that I still cannot erase from my mind's memory. Lisa had been killed in a head-on collision and her funeral was taking place in a couple of days. It was then that I realized my greatest mistake. I had never witnessed him cry but he did in an uncontrollable fit of pain. It wasn't just his tears that were hard to see fall it was the look on his face when he looked at me. I had kept him away from his childhood friend for over ten years because I thought she was going to prevent my happily ever after. Because of my foolishness not only did he not get to have his best friend celebrate his wedding but he also missed the chance to pay his last respects to her. I see now that he carries the guilt ridden burden of his best friend dying without being in her life when it mattered. It hurts when you realize that there are some things in life that are never worth having if you knew what you would lose in order to get it. Now my nights are spent in a sleepless nightmare filled haze. Because I have no answers. I have no plan of action to bring him back. The only thing I had to offer him was an "I'm Sorry". Even though he has never spoke about it since I made him choose between us I know he must hate me. And I have no one to blame but myself because if I were in his shoes I would feel the same way. I am torn because what do you say when saying I'm sorry isn't enough?!

Be GREAT TODAY, because you may not be given the time to be tomorrow.
TWIL

I Am HER HUSBAND'S MISTRESS

   No one ever believes you when you tell them "it just happened" or "it wasn't my fault" when you are referring to something as negative as engaging in an affair. People tend to think that any form of cheating is intentional and premeditated. Well until I became caught up in a torrid affair I thought the same way. But in all honesty it did just happen and it wasn't my fault. Now before you judge, allow me to give you the history and facts behind this drama. My girl and I have been friends since we were freshman in high school. Since the day we met we have been almost inseparable. As the years past we became closer than twin sisters. But it seems that fate has a sense of humor because it would be a set of twins that would ultimately play the role of potential spoiler to our relationship. During our junior year in college we went on a double date with twins, two young men that were very attractive and mentally stimulating. Tiffany would eventually fall in love with Michael while Marcus and I would have an off-on relationship over the next couple of years. Michael and Tiffany would eventually marry five years later and end up living three states away.

   Even though she married and moved away we still spoke daily and scheduled at least one weekend a month so that we get together and catch up. During one of our off periods which had lasted about six months I unexpectedly bumped into Marcus while on a business trip in New York City. After a couple of drinks we ended up in his hotel room. Because of our history it felt familiar and safe so I had no remorse about this particular one night stand. We exchanged emails and parted ways keeping in constant contact for a couple of weeks after our encounter. The result of our chance meeting seemed to re-light our old fires. But it wasn't until I spoke to Tiffany during one of our weekend get togethers that I realized something awful had happened that night. She told me that Michael had cheated on her and she had found the evidence. She described the night her husband returned from New York after a week long business trip. She cried as she explained to me that she found a folded piece of perfume scented paper containing an email address in his coat. She told me she listened to her female intuition and got his account password. Upon checking his email she had found numerous conversations that explicitly detailed the night he shared with another women.

   As I tried to console her while she told me her heartbreaking story I realized that I had unwittingly participated in her husband's infidelity. The night I had spent with Marcus in New York was actual a well executed lie because it was not Marcus but Michael that I had shared the bed with. He recognized me and pretended to be Marcus that night and as we consumed drinks he took me to his bed under false pretences. My mind started to race and panic because even though the email exchanges never mentioned my name it wouldn't be long before she connected the dots or worse Michael confessed. Now my heart breaks because I realize the position I am in. If I confess to her that the affair wasn't intentional on my part I risk breaking her heart even more AND losing a dear friend. But if I say nothing I run the risk of Michael lying and saying I seduced him after she confronts him about the affair which would undoubtedly make her hate me. I cried with her as she tried to figure why and how she would continue with her life. I asked myself the question of how as well. How? How do I tell her that I am directly responsible for the pain and anguish she is feeling? How do I tell her that I am the reason her marriage may be over? How do I tell my best friend, my sister, my heart that I am her husband's mistress.

Be BETTER TODAY, than you were yesterday
TWIL

HE LIES To ME Because I Allow Him To...

   Lauryn Hill once said "Some dumb woman was I. And every time he'd lie, he would cry and inside I'd die. My heart must have died a thousand deaths. Compared myself to Toni Braxton, thought I'd never catch my breath." I guess that's why music and lyrics are so easy to relate to. Because she was absolutely right. EVERY time he lies I do feel dumb. Dumb because I KNOW he is lying. But yet I accept his words. Hell I even forgive him when I get tired of pretending I don't know the truth and confront him. I often ask myself why do I put up with his lies? Am I not deserving of a man that will be truthful with me? In all honesty I know he constantly lies because he knows I will forgive him. But why? Why do I forgive him? I love him that's why. Well that's what I say to convince myself being lied to is acceptable.

   I think I forgive him because I don't want to lose him. I'm comfortable with our situation and I am just unwilling to learn someone new at this point of my life. Every time we get into an argument that stems from me catching him in a lie it always starts and ends the same way. Me cussing and fussing his ass out then him apologizing profusely begging me not to go. Then later we are making up. It seems like an endless cycle. One that I think I am finally tired of. But that's the problem I think I am...I am a grown woman. I should know for sure. If I was as sick of his bullshit as I proclaim to be I would do something about it.

   It's obvious he isn't going to all of a sudden change so I have to push the issue. I hate giving ultimatums but this is my life and if he wants to be apart of it he needs to respect me and my requirements. It's like my momma always told me "Girl a man will only treat you the way YOU allow him to!" That's it! I finally understand what she meant. I have more control over what happens in my life AND who is worthy enough to be in it. I make my stand today. NO MORE LIES. I refuse to be that "Say one thing-do another thing" type of woman. He either respects me or he doesn't and I will not tolerate a man who says he loves me but shows me complete disrespect! I understand now that my problem has a very simple resolution. I either allow him to continue to deceive me or force him to be honest. I know now he lies to me because I allow him to...

Be BETTER TODAY, than you were yesterday.
TWIL

BROWN Prejudices AND BEIGE Privileges.

  Our parents were once told that they would never be able to produce children together. They went to numerous clinics and saw many more doctors in efforts to become parents. And it was to their surprise and joy that after attempting one more time to have kids before adopting that they learned that our mom was pregnant with twins...pregnant with us! We would be named Faith and Grace because our parents said that's what it took for their journey to parenthood to begin. The bigger and unseen surprise would come shortly after our birth. See our parents were an interracial couple. That had shattered the perceived stigma that surrounded their union. They had fallen in love and no one would convince them it was wrong simply because their skin tones were different. It was that love and dedication to each other that would set the stage of our lives. When we were presented to our parents our similarities were undeniable. But it was our differences that would attract the most attention later from the world. After about three months the texture of our hair would undergo a radical transformation. Our matching eye and skin color would also change. We would essentially become identical brown and beige versions of each other.

   By the time of our first birthday I, Grace would have a brown skin hue with dark brown eyes with black hair and I, Faith would have a beige skin tone with green eyes and sandy-brown hair. As we further grew we began to question why we shared the same face but with different accents. Our father told us that as much as we looked different we were both equally beautiful and smart girls. He told us that he and our mother would never love us differently. As we entered school it was the other children and adults that would treat us differently. They would constantly discuss the features that they felt separated us. For example I, Grace would always be told I was pretty to be dark and was thought to be more outspoken and board line aggressive. And I, Faith would always be told I was gorgeous but would be treated as if I less intelligent and stuck-up. The more we experienced in life together we realized that folks would always try to put us into perceived stereotype boxes based on our skin colors. They would actual try to play us against each other. Make us believe that one sister was better or worse than the other simply because of her complexion. But thankful we heeded the words of our mother who always told us that we are sisters and sisters protect and support each other regardless of what the world subjects us too.

   Now as older young women it's a teaching moment when we see how people treat us differently as individuals then how it changes when they are told of our relation. We understand that some people have ignorant mindsets that are only based on the skin colors of those around them. We used to cry when teased and harassed by people with them. But know we pity them and carry on with our lives. We deeply love each other dearly. It has and will always break our hearts that even though we are born from the same great parents and raised in the same house we are not treated the same. Even though we share the same personality traits and quirks we are not offered the same compliments or opportunities. Sadly despite the fact that we share the same face we have had to endure vastly different experiences in life. We are labeled the black and white twins. The world sees us as racial miracles but we see each other as sisters. We will always be here to support and celebrate each other regardless of how the people of the world treat us, regardless of our stereotypical brown prejudices and beige privileges.

Be BETTER TODAY, than you were yesterday.
TWIL