HAPPILY EVER AFTER Is For Losers

   Growing up I was always taught that riding off into a "happily ever after" can be achieved by settling down with a good woman, getting married and then raising kids. I have since grown up from a naive little boy into an experienced young man and I realize that yes having a loving wife and kids I adore running around the house would be awesome but I no longer believe a happily ever after can only be attained through marriage and kids. I have dated plenty of women with wife potential. I have even loved a couple enough that I thought I could spend the rest of my life with them. But sooner or later we grow apart and realize the things we desire in life aren't the same. So we move on, no love lost. As it stands right now, I am currently in a relationship with a young lady that I have been in love with for the best three years. We seem to be headed toward the altar but if we don't make it there I can't say that I would be disappointed. I know that sounds cold but it's as honest as I can be. I appreciate and respect her for the the good she has brought into my life. I am truly happiest when she is near me...BUT...I can't say that my complete happiness depends on her presence. Confusing?! Yeah, I know. I guess what I mean to say is that if she decides that I am not what she wants or needs anymore and she ends our relationship I will still be willing and able to find happiness without her.

   I look at my family and friends that are married and they all have different views of the picture that is marriage. Some swear by it and will defend the principal of marriage tooth and nail. Others find themselves after many years, questioning if the choice they made to marry was the best one for them. I get marriage is hard. I have watched my parents struggle and succeed in theirs for years. I have also seen marriages implode from the expectations and sacrifices. To tell you the truth it wasn't until I was babysitting my nephew and nieces that I realized the whole marriage thing doesn't have to be my defining goal. I was reading my youngest niece one of her princess books and in the end after the prince hooks up with the princess their lives were suddenly made better, you know the whole "And they lived happily ever after." scenario. My nephew who is the oldest at twelve said to his baby sister with the wisdom of a man that has lived for decades "happily ever after doesn't exist!". Of course being the adult I had to reassure my niece that he was just playing because she cried like she had been punched in the face with a brick after he said it. That night as I sat up thinking about my own relationship I started to ponder what my nephew said. As I re-played the words of his young wisdom I realized even though he was only a kid he was absolutely right...happily ever after DOESN'T EXIST. I started to think back on the serious relationships that I have been in and I remembered they were not cookie-cutter sweet. They were actually really hard to maintain. We were required to constantly work at keeping it fresh and healthy and even when we worked the hardest sometimes it still wasn't enough. I understood what he was trying to say. The notion of happily ever after makes folks believe that once they marry in a beautiful ceremony in front of their family and friends it's a cake walk from there and they can just ride off into their imaginary sunset without a care in the world.

Believing in happily ever after as an adult is a setup for failure. It was then that I realized that I despise the implied meaning of happily ever after. Marriage is probably the single most hardest endeavor a person can take on probably second only to raising kids. It should never be accepted lightly. One can't expect to meet a person, fall head over heels in love, then elevate them to the imaginary platform of a Prince Charming or a Cinderella and then think if I marry them everything in life from that point will be wonderfully perfect. Sure, I would like to get married and have kids but I know that when I finally do, happily ever after will not be a goal of mine. My grandfather always told me that "in order to make someone else happy, you have to first be happy yourself." I have always held onto his wisdom because it not only served him well in his near 60 year marriage but it was been the foundation that I have built my adult life on. If you are a six year old little girl then yes please believe in the power that a happily ever after awaits you. BUT if you are an adult, life should have taught you by now that happily ever after is a cruel joke played on naive dreamers and fools. For me, I will be prepared to work and sacrifice in my marriage because I know that is what it takes for it to be successful. I will choose to take a realistic approach when it comes to my happiness. Since I plan to keep winning in my life and eventually in my marriage I refuse to accept this falsely painted picture. Adults that have loved and tried to maintain real world relationships know that...happily ever after is for losers.


"Be BETTER TODAY, than you were yesterday."
TWIL

I Was RAPED...By MY WIFE

   Even before we were married my wife was always the aggressor in our relationship. She had that "I get what I want no matter what" mentality and in all honesty that is what attracted me to her. She pursued and wooed me when we were in college. When she was ready to get married she proposed to me. When she was ready to move into a house she found a home and was the first to sign the deed. I always respected my wife's approach in life. She would never let any one deter her from her goals so I never had a reason to question her tactics until the day she told me she was ready to be a mother. We had been married for three years, living in our new house for two years and we were both in the middle of busy yet fulling careers. She expressed to me that she was ready for us to be parents. Only problem was that I was not. I wasn't ready to be a father. I explained to her that we still had time for parenthood and that we should enjoy the freedoms we had as a young married couple. She became agitated almost angry that I didn't share her desire to have young kids running around our home. I reassured her that my decision wasn't based on some scheme to derail her plans. I simply wasn't ready to handle the responsibilities of becoming a father. She backed off the topic for the night but over the next few weeks would always find a way to incorporate having kids into our conversations. It got to the point that I was actually feeling pressured. So I told her directly that I didn't want to have kids in the next year and that she would have to accept my decision. I was expecting her to go off but she took it well. She even apologized for making me feel pressured. She stopped bringing up having kids and we went back to enjoying our carefree lifestyle.

   For the next few months I felt a relief that I wasn't being questioned every other day about having kids. I thought she had made peace with my decision. I thought she respected me enough as her husband and friend. Turns out she was quietly making plans to achieve her goals of being a mother. I found out that she was going days without taking her birth control. Then I realized that she was constantly try to have intercourse with me without a condom. I told her of my notices but she dismissed them as coincidence. The day quickly came when she eventually lost her composure and accused me of not loving her because I wouldn't make her a mother. I reassured her that it had nothing to do with a lack of love for her and that she had to trust me and my decision. She relaxed and seemed comforted by my truths. But appearances are most deceiving when looking at someone you love. Our anniversary came and the day was magical. She seemed genuinely happy which made me happy, little did I know that night would set in motion a series of events that would ultimately change the way I saw my wife. After dinner, dancing and experiencing the city we came home. My wife told me to get comfortable as the night now belonged to her. I eagerly prepared to engage in a night full of passionate love making as I waited in the bed my wife put her plan into action. She came out in a stunning sheer gown. She lit candles and poured two glasses of  our favorite red wine. After we drank a couple of glasses we began to kiss and arouse each other. Then for me everything became blurry and next think I remember is that I have a terrible hang-over the morning afterwards. I awake to find my wife in a greater than usual mood, cooking a phenomenal breakfast. I ask her what happened last night and she proceeds to tell me that the wine must've been too strong because I eventually passed out. I apologized hoping it didn't spoil our night, she said it didn't and accepted my apology with a warm smile. So I went about the day without ever questioning that night again...until later that week when I was looking for some documents in our bedroom. While searching I discovered some samples of Viagra and Cialis in one of her drawers. I thought it was odd for her to have them but figured they may have come in the mail and she just stashed them away. I didn't make the final connection until I found a small bottle of Ketamine a couple of months later.

   As I sat in my truck reading about the drug and it's purpose I learned that it can be used as a date rape drug. I was crushed. I couldn't remember our anniversary night because my own wife had slipped me a concoction to manipulate me into playing a vital role in her plans for the future. She had raped me. Why would my wife rape me?! Then the answer hit me like a brick to the face...she wants to be a mother. I tried to find another explanation. I tried to convince myself that she wouldn't do that to me...not to her husband. Eventually I couldn't contain my knowledge. I tried to be calm when I presented my evidence to her. Expecting her to deny me I was even more hurt when she confirmed my suspicions. She coldly told me that she wasn't going to wait another year for me to be ready to be a father. She wanted to be a mother now and that is what mattered most. She told me that she put the Ketamine into my drink that night and had unprotected sex with me in hopes that she would get pregnant. She wanted a baby and I would give her one whether I wanted to or not. I angrily left our home. I drove around the city for hours trying to calm my mind and suppress my anger. The woman had taken my choice away from me. She betrayed me. And what made the whole situation worst is that she intentionally disregarded my concerns as if they were not valid. I drove home with the intention to tell her that I would divorce her if she ever did that to me again. As I walked into our bedroom to deliver my ultimatum I see her sitting in a chair holding a white stick with a yellowish colored tip. She looks up at me and says "Congratulations, you are gonna be a daddy." Years later I still recall that night with such clarity. The chill of her cold malice still hurts my heart but I have learned to accept what is done cannot be undone. I choose to focus on the positives of that night. Months later I saw my boys come into this world, healthy and strong. I love my sons and am grateful the lord blessed me to be their father. The twins have brought a joy to my life that I never knew existed. I love them with all my heart but I secretly harbor a feeling of resentment towards them that is not their fault. I will never tell them that their conception was created with deceit. I will never tell them that a critical choice was taken away from me concerning their birth. I will never tell them what their mother did to me. I will never tell them I was raped...by my wife.



"Be BETTER TODAY, than you were yesterday."
TWIL

DIVORCE Your Spouse...NOT Your CHILDREN

   As the oldest child I remember the good times my parents shared during their marriage. I remember how they use to be. How they used to laugh and smile. Sneak off to the other room when they thought we wouldn't notice. I remember when they were happy. Around the time my younger sister started school my parents relationship changed right before my eyes. Their laughter and smiles turned to yelling and tears. They would leave the house in separate cars instead of sneaking off together. The joy of enjoying each others company had faded. The love wasn't there anymore. As a young child I believed that my parents were perfect and they had no ill issues between them. As I aged into my teenage years I began to see their imperfections and take notice of their struggles. I watched their marriage slowly deteriorate over the years. I watched them pretend that everything between them was good and repairable. But eventually they could no longer hide what was clearly becoming more visible...that my parents had grown distantly apart. Eventually my parents accepted that they would be better apart and made the decision to divorce after twenty years of marriage. I remember receiving my dad's phone call in my dorm room right before winter break. My father was never the emotional one of my parents so when he I heard the quivering in his voice that night, I knew something terrible had happened. For the first time in my life I heard my father cry. He chocked on his words sobbing as he told me that my mother had moved out, months before the divorce was to be finalized denying them the chance to try to fix what was broken. I asked him why hadn't he told me that mom had moved out, his response was that he wanted me to focus on my school work. I felt helpless. There were no words I could think of to comfort my father when he needed it most. There is something emotionally damaging for a son hearing his father cry, especially over his mother. Even though it was in the middle of the night I immediately called my mother. I didn't know what I would say to her but I knew I had to say something. Then as the operator told me "the number you are trying to reach is no longer in service" I realized why my father was crying. Why the desperation and fear in his voice was so strong. It wasn't the fact that the woman he had loved for most of his adult life no longer was in his life or the fact that the mother of his children would no longer be there to help him raise their kids it was the fact that my mother had severed all ties to her former life. She had made the decision to not only divorce her husband but the life they had made together. My father learned that when she left their home she did so with the mindset that she would never return. She cut off everyone and anything that my father could use to try to communicate with her. He cried to me that night because he realized that for the first time in over twenty years he would have to live and survive without the greatest love he had ever experienced. That was the only the beginning of what he would have to endure.

   He would have to witness the effects of their failed marriage on their children. My mother had not only divorced my father but she decided to divorce her children as well. I was in my junior year in college when my father confirmed to me what I had already suspected was going to occur. So I had been somewhat prepared for what would likely transpire. But to my younger sister it was a bomb that would confuse and disrupt her life forever. She was in her freshman year of high school. The adjustment to high school and puberty had already made things tough on her. So once she learned that her parents were divorcing and that her mother had basically abandoned her, when in her eyes she needed her guidance the most almost, it was a heavy weight for her to bear. With me being away in college and my father struggling to keep his emotions in check and still be a dual-full time working parent my sister lacked the motherly support that she desperately needed in such a pivotal point in her young life. To her credit, she did handle my mother's absence reasonably well up until her senior year. She had become a star student athlete and was fielding scholarships from top colleges across the nation. My sister had learned to bury the pain of our mom leaving under the weight of her academics and sports career. My father had struck a great balance of being her guiding rock and also being her sole provider and protector. I came home as often as I could between classes and work to give my father assistance and give my sister support but the painful impact of losing our mother had created a hidden void that didn't become noticeable until it was almost too late. My father and sister had adapted so well to my mother's absence and in such a quick time that they never took the time to grieve. But time always has a way of making things relevant and current. Everything came crashing down around senior prom time. The emotions that my father had cast away in order to be available and strong for us suddenly bubbled to the forefront. He had been so busy watching out for his children that he failed to make time to recognize that his baby girl had grown up. Suddenly he was faced with the fact that his precious daughter had became an intelligent and beautiful young woman right before his eyes. It didn't help that she was an almost exact physical clone of his estranged wife but he would also be forced to accept that very soon she would be leaving home starting her own adult life and that he would left alone...again. My sister had survived puberty, dating and even the bad girls in her high school all without our mother to provide her with vital advice and direction. But prom time reminded her of what she had truly lost when our parents split up. What she wouldn't have when our mother walked out on us without even leaving a letter or making a goodbye call. Her friends had their mothers to go dress and shoe shopping with them, she did not. Her friends had their mothers to do their hair and make-up, she did not. Her friends had their mothers to share stories and show them pictures of their own prom experiences, she did not. My sister had for the first time since my mother's untimely but voluntary departure from our lives, missed having a mother.

   I sadly watched from afar the near destruction of my father's life and my sister's future happening right in front of me. And just like that night I listened to my father cry telling me my mother had left I felt absolutely helpless. I wanted to comfort my family because I remembered the times when we were whole not fractured and somewhat divided. I remember my father being happy and my sister not having a care in the world. I longed for that feeling again but I knew things would never return to the way they were. Thankfully due to the intervention of my grandmother and aunts my sister was able to experience her senior prom with the kind of support that only a woman could provide for a young girl. My father eventually was able to cope with not having a wife or kids at home after my sister graduated from high school and left for college. My sister capped off her senior year graduating with high honors that also accompanied a full academic and athletic scholarship to the college of her first choice. I am proud to witness the happiness return to my family. Even though all the members are not present, those that remained have done well. When situations spiral beyond your control that is when a person learns the most about themselves. My father learned that he could live and be happy without the love of his life. My sister learned that she could still grow up to become a great young woman without a mother figure and I learned to accept that the people you love most will not always reciprocate that love. I won't lie those lessons we survived were very harsh on our lives but we successfully navigated through our stormy seas. As a son and sibling that has experienced the pain of his parent's separation I offer this one piece of advice to all couples with children that are considering divorce as the final solution to their issues...divorce your spouse, not your children.


Be Safe. Be Blessed.
TWIL