As the oldest child I remember the good times my parents shared during their marriage. I remember how they use to be. How they used to laugh and smile. Sneak off to the other room when they thought we wouldn't notice. I remember when they were happy. Around the time my younger sister started school my parents relationship changed right before my eyes. Their laughter and smiles turned to yelling and tears. They would leave the house in separate cars instead of sneaking off together. The joy of enjoying each others company had faded. The love wasn't there anymore. As a young child I believed that my parents were perfect and they had no ill issues between them. As I aged into my teenage years I began to see their imperfections and take notice of their struggles. I watched their marriage slowly deteriorate over the years. I watched them pretend that everything between them was good and repairable. But eventually they could no longer hide what was clearly becoming more visible...that my parents had grown distantly apart. Eventually my parents accepted that they would be better apart and made the decision to divorce after twenty years of marriage. I remember receiving my dad's phone call in my dorm room right before winter break. My father was never the emotional one of my parents so when he I heard the quivering in his voice that night, I knew something terrible had happened. For the first time in my life I heard my father cry. He chocked on his words sobbing as he told me that my mother had moved out, months before the divorce was to be finalized denying them the chance to try to fix what was broken. I asked him why hadn't he told me that mom had moved out, his response was that he wanted me to focus on my school work. I felt helpless. There were no words I could think of to comfort my father when he needed it most. There is something emotionally damaging for a son hearing his father cry, especially over his mother. Even though it was in the middle of the night I immediately called my mother. I didn't know what I would say to her but I knew I had to say something. Then as the operator told me "the number you are trying to reach is no longer in service" I realized why my father was crying. Why the desperation and fear in his voice was so strong. It wasn't the fact that the woman he had loved for most of his adult life no longer was in his life or the fact that the mother of his children would no longer be there to help him raise their kids it was the fact that my mother had severed all ties to her former life. She had made the decision to not only divorce her husband but the life they had made together. My father learned that when she left their home she did so with the mindset that she would never return. She cut off everyone and anything that my father could use to try to communicate with her. He cried to me that night because he realized that for the first time in over twenty years he would have to live and survive without the greatest love he had ever experienced. That was the only the beginning of what he would have to endure.
He would have to witness the effects of their failed marriage on their children. My mother had not only divorced my father but she decided to divorce her children as well. I was in my junior year in college when my father confirmed to me what I had already suspected was going to occur. So I had been somewhat prepared for what would likely transpire. But to my younger sister it was a bomb that would confuse and disrupt her life forever. She was in her freshman year of high school. The adjustment to high school and puberty had already made things tough on her. So once she learned that her parents were divorcing and that her mother had basically abandoned her, when in her eyes she needed her guidance the most almost, it was a heavy weight for her to bear. With me being away in college and my father struggling to keep his emotions in check and still be a dual-full time working parent my sister lacked the motherly support that she desperately needed in such a pivotal point in her young life. To her credit, she did handle my mother's absence reasonably well up until her senior year. She had become a star student athlete and was fielding scholarships from top colleges across the nation. My sister had learned to bury the pain of our mom leaving under the weight of her academics and sports career. My father had struck a great balance of being her guiding rock and also being her sole provider and protector. I came home as often as I could between classes and work to give my father assistance and give my sister support but the painful impact of losing our mother had created a hidden void that didn't become noticeable until it was almost too late. My father and sister had adapted so well to my mother's absence and in such a quick time that they never took the time to grieve. But time always has a way of making things relevant and current. Everything came crashing down around senior prom time. The emotions that my father had cast away in order to be available and strong for us suddenly bubbled to the forefront. He had been so busy watching out for his children that he failed to make time to recognize that his baby girl had grown up. Suddenly he was faced with the fact that his precious daughter had became an intelligent and beautiful young woman right before his eyes. It didn't help that she was an almost exact physical clone of his estranged wife but he would also be forced to accept that very soon she would be leaving home starting her own adult life and that he would left alone...again. My sister had survived puberty, dating and even the bad girls in her high school all without our mother to provide her with vital advice and direction. But prom time reminded her of what she had truly lost when our parents split up. What she wouldn't have when our mother walked out on us without even leaving a letter or making a goodbye call. Her friends had their mothers to go dress and shoe shopping with them, she did not. Her friends had their mothers to do their hair and make-up, she did not. Her friends had their mothers to share stories and show them pictures of their own prom experiences, she did not. My sister had for the first time since my mother's untimely but voluntary departure from our lives, missed having a mother.
I sadly watched from afar the near destruction of my father's life and my sister's future happening right in front of me. And just like that night I listened to my father cry telling me my mother had left I felt absolutely helpless. I wanted to comfort my family because I remembered the times when we were whole not fractured and somewhat divided. I remember my father being happy and my sister not having a care in the world. I longed for that feeling again but I knew things would never return to the way they were. Thankfully due to the intervention of my grandmother and aunts my sister was able to experience her senior prom with the kind of support that only a woman could provide for a young girl. My father eventually was able to cope with not having a wife or kids at home after my sister graduated from high school and left for college. My sister capped off her senior year graduating with high honors that also accompanied a full academic and athletic scholarship to the college of her first choice. I am proud to witness the happiness return to my family. Even though all the members are not present, those that remained have done well. When situations spiral beyond your control that is when a person learns the most about themselves. My father learned that he could live and be happy without the love of his life. My sister learned that she could still grow up to become a great young woman without a mother figure and I learned to accept that the people you love most will not always reciprocate that love. I won't lie those lessons we survived were very harsh on our lives but we successfully navigated through our stormy seas. As a son and sibling that has experienced the pain of his parent's separation I offer this one piece of advice to all couples with children that are considering divorce as the final solution to their issues...divorce your spouse, not your children.
Be Safe. Be Blessed.
TWIL
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