ANGRY. DISAPPOINTED. BETRAYED. That is how I felt the day my daughter came to me in tears informing me that she was pregnant. My first reaction was to grab and shake her while screaming "HOW COULD YOU BE SO CARELESS?! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!! But it was the pain in her eyes and the guilt in her voice that persuaded me to take a different avenue. I knew how she felt. I knew all to well the rollercoaster she was about to get on without a refundable ticket. I could relate to her situation because 16 years ago her mother and I were sitting in the same circle. And it was that memory that forced me to employ a different method of approaching the situation. I remember how our own parents flipped the fuck out when we told them we were pregnant. Both 17. Both in our senior years of high school. Both with bright futures. Both scared to death about what was too come. Our parents scolded us with the same questions that I immediately thought to scream at her. I remember sitting in that room being on trial by fire. I remember feeling like we should have never told them because of what we were dealing with. I know they had every right to be upset but I remember them making me feel alone, that we would not have the support system we needed. I remember feeling so ashamed due to the way they voiced their displeasure about our actions. I didn't want our daughter, my baby girl to feel ashamed. I didn't want her to feel alone. I didn't want her to think coming to me was a mistake. I wanted her to feel accountable but also still feel empowered that she could do this.
So I just sat her down and asked her to tell me what she wanted to do next. She cried and talked for almost an hour. Telling me about the decisions she would have to make. How scared she was for her and the baby's future. Just crying in my arms because she really didn't know what this meant for her life. I comforted her as best as I could but told her I would not share my thoughts until after she told her mother, that way there would be no sides to take or no secrets to keep. That evening she told her mother who cried as well. That night was probably the hardest one we had endured since the creation of our family. We shared our own fears from our own experiences. We explained what she would have to do and what she may lose. We stressed to her in a non-sugar coated way that... HER FUTURE WOULD NOW BE HER BABY'S PRESENT!!! We shared our angry, our disappointments, and our feelings of betrayal. But we also gave her our encouragement and support. We let her know it would be an up-hill battle. We let it be know that she would now have to deal with the consequences of her choices. After she went to bed my wife and I stayed up and talked. We took that forced walk down memory lane. We judged ourselves asking what could we have done differently to prevent her from making the SAME poor decisions we had made. But as we had our discussion we realized that we were in the same positions that our parents were in years earlier.
The difference was that this time our daughter would not walk away with the same emotions we had. She would not be shunned and treated as a cast away. She would not feel abandoned. We would help her learn from her mistakes. We would teach her that she still could have a prosperous future but to attain it she would have to work harder and dedicate herself more to have a good life. The next morning we told her our expectations and desires as she began her journey into parenthood. We explained we would support her, the baby and the father but NOT in a primary role, we would only be there to provide secondary care when needed. Her eyes were still puffy from crying all night but she managed to tell us that she didn't expect us to be so straight forward and comforting. She was actually glad she came to us instead of hiding it. Her telling us that made me feel like the World's Greatest Father. Even though we failed to prevent her from walking in our footsteps, we had encouraged her that the path, even though it would be difficult and long and filled with obstacles that she could still navigate it successfully. Months have passed from that morning and we all watch her belly grow and prepare for the arrival of her baby and our first grandchild. I am proud of the preparations she has made and the better decisions she has made going forward. And even though I am comforted that she will have better days than we had as teenage parents I have to admit that it is still difficult for me sometimes to accept that my baby is having a baby.
"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring greatness out of those around them." - TWIL
