She GAVE Me LOVE...And She Gave Me AIDS

   Milestone celebrations are supposed to be joyous and our 25th wedding anniversary was to be the most joyous celebration of our time spent together. We had scratched and clawed our way to twenty five years. Suffered through heartbreaks and stumbled through to victories. We had done well for ourselves and were more than financially stable. We had successfully gotten our two children into college. We both had our dream jobs and had built our dream home. We were happy. We were in love. Because we had managed to overcome so many of our struggles together over such a long period we decided that we would celebrate our 25th in a unique way. So we went all out. In the weeks leading up to our wedding anniversary we criss-crossed the globe. Went on safari in Kruger. Toured the sites in Paris. Ate fine cuisines in Madrid. We even snorkeled the coral reefs in Queensland. Then finally we embarked on a cruise around the Hawaiian Islands. We went everywhere and did all the things that we had always wanted to do. And we did them TOGETHER. Because after twenty-eight years of being together we had experienced the highest highs and the lowest lows one could imagine. The day of our 25th anniversary my marriage and my life would never be the same. Folks always say it's not how one starts but how one finishes that determines the outcome. We did start out grand, however our finish would change our lives forever. That morning we decided to wake up early to watch the sunrise over the ocean. We ate breakfast on the beach then went on a stroll. Walking hand-in-hand down the shop side-walks on our way to a popular boutique to find my wife an evening gown for our dinner date later that night. My phone rang and because I didn't want to interrupt the mood or my wife's conversation I sent the call to voice mail. As I waited while my wife tried on various dress and shoe combinations I checked the message that had been left for me. It was my doctor. I was expecting the message to report the now routine results of my semi-annual physical. However his voice was shaky telling me that he needed to speak with me urgently. Because of the alarm in his message I decided it would be best to contact him immediately. I told my wife I was stepping out to return an important phone call I had missed. She quietly nods me away as the shop attendant brings her more dresses and shoes to try on. My mind goes mad trying to figure out why my doctor for the first time in over ten years had so much nervousness in his voice. As a forty-three year old man he had always told me I was in great shape. I didn't smoke. I didn't drink. My diet was moderate and I exercised regularly. I didn't have issues with blood pressure or cholesterol. But for some reason something had spooked him. I patiently waited on hold for the nurse to locate him. When he comes on the line we exchange pleasantries but oddly he asks me am I near my wife. I anxiously reply no dreading his reason for asking. His next words will burn their way into the deepest regions of my mind "The test results have revealed that you have HIV..." My first reaction is sheer rage. My doctor has just indirectly accused me of cheating on my wife and told me I was going to die because of it. I mash the end button on the phone keypad, staring at as if it had just punched me in the face while calling my mother horrible names. It instantly rings again and I angrily answer. It takes a couple of minutes before I calm down enough to listen and my doctor gets through to me. He attempts to explain the only possible ways that I could have contracted the virus. He questions me about any recent blood transfusions and of course my sexual activities. Then the bomb shell, he asks me if my wife has had any other sexual partners. At this point the conversation is too heavy on me to continue. Before he allows me to end it, he tells me that I need to come in soon as possible to start treatment. I grudgingly agree to do so.

   I have felt many pains during my life ranging from physical to spiritual. But the pain felt in my chest after our conversation ends is the single most devastating feeling I have experienced. I sit down on one of the many benches lining the shop store walkways. My thoughts are rapid and I am trying to calm down long enough to process the monumental information I had just been given. I haven't had sexual relations with another person outside of my wife in over twenty five years. HOW COULD I get a sexual transmitted disease?! Then my denial kicks in. Those results had to have a major error I said to myself. Then a thought that I hadn't had in years slams into my mind like a sack of bricks. No sir! Don't do that! It was just a suspicion. A suspicion you laid to rest over seven years ago. I  try to ignore it but now unfortunately things that should not be adding up, suddenly are. I resist the thought long enough to force a smile as my wife steps out the boutique looking for me, asking me to re-enter. I bury the voice mail and the conversation deep down into the pit of my stomach. I say to myself I am celebrating my 25th wedding anniversary with the woman I have loved for more than half my life. Besides the test results could be wrong anyway. Why let a mistake some poor kid in a lab made ruin this day for us. Hell, mistakes are made all the time right?! It was one of those horrible mistakes that I prayed, I PRAYED! I had just become a victim of. As the night comes to an end I have done an excellent job focusing on enjoying the moments with my wife. I have almost successfully closed out another day of celebrations with her. As I lay in bed attempting to put the shocking news out of my mind, I look over at the clock it reads 11:03pm. I feel my wife's side of the bed is vacant so I sit up searching for her until my eyes spot her silhouette standing across the room in the dim light. My gorgeous bride of now 25 years opens the drapes spilling moonlight across the bed. She opens the private beach patio doors which engulf the room with a warm night breeze. She turns to me, smiling, confirming that she has woken me up and that she has my direct attention. I see that she is dressed in our favorite outfit. Her stunning sheer silk see-through nightgown. Her hair is up exposing her neck and shoulders. The gown snugs her curves as the moonlight casts an inviting shadow onto her. She motions for me to join her at the door. And for the first time in over twenty five years my first thought when I see her like this is DAMN! WHY TONIGHT?! I stare at her and after all these years I realize that she still excites me like no woman ever has. But I stay in the bed instead of going to her side. She takes my reluctance to join her as a game and eagerly moves to participate. She walks slowly and sensuously toward me. She stands in front of me close enough for me to see her naked body under the gown but far enough that I can't reach out and touch her. She slowly leans to kiss my lips but I regrettably turn my head. Continuing the game she pushes me down onto the bed and mounts me slowly rubbing her warm body against mine. She attempts twice more to kiss me but I avoid her twice more. DAMN! WHY TONIGHT?! I say to myself as I try to control my now visible erection. Determined to win she goes all out, reaching into my shorts. Enough is enough I can't resist her advances but I love her to much to keep the information in my mind away from her. I slip from underneath her and position myself away from her. The game is over. The moment has passed. She huffs and cuts her eyes at me as she moves to the other side of the bed. I brace myself for the questions I know are coming, the ones that I inevitably have to answer..."What the hell is the matter with you?! Don't you want me?!" YES! YES I DO! I scream in my mind. I desperately want you! I want to experience all that your body and spirit have for me on this perfect night as we celebrate our 25th anniversary. But it's her first question that prevents me from answering her second. The words are painful as they flow from my mind to my mouth. But I know she deserves to hear the truth from me first. After being together for over a quarter of a century I say to my wife "I don't know how got it. I have never cheated on you but the doctor told me that I have HIV..." Her response is not what I expect. She doesn't yell. She doesn't hit me. She doesn't even laugh. She just goes quiet. Turning away from, she pulls a pillow up to her face. I turn to face her. I reach to hold her. She quietly says "I'm so sorry...you were right."

   No. Correction. THIS is the single most devastating feeling I have experienced. I try not to ask her what I was right about because even though I know, in my soul I desperately want to be wrong. It is said that at your lowest moment, you try to find something anything to hold on to, to remain standing. Something to keep you steady and prevent you from falling farther down. It is true. I am trying to find something to hold onto, but on this night I continue to fall and it seems I will never recover to stand. Secrets have a way of destroying everything they are hidden from. I try to look into her eyes but she cannot make eye contact but I can see the pain in her face is genuine. I ask her what was I right about. And with that she gives me her long delayed confession. I think back to that thought. The thought, that just hours ago I convinced myself was a long forgotten fiction. We have suspicions for a reason, some call it that "feeling in your gut". Now everything that was questionable back then, is now made clear with a truth that is finally told. I allow my mind to travel back in time trying to make sense of what is happening presently before me. I recall the time about fifteen years ago when our marriage was on the verge of ending...very badly. It was my fault for how things had progressed. I knew I was a workaholic but I didn't change my habits until it was too late. I spent more time with my co-workers than with my family. But I justified my absence by convincing myself I was working so hard to provide for them. I didn't realize then that it was my hard work that was causing me to lose them. I came home late from the office one night and my wife and I engaged in one of our routine arguments about me working so much. Since I was to leave for business the next day as a token of appreciation and understanding I told her I had arranged for the kids to go away for the weekend. I thought my wife could benefit from the time alone, she had earned it being a full time mom AND having a full time career. She agreed and thanked me. It was one of the few times during this rocky period that I felt I had done something right by her. My trip was supposed to last from Thursday to Sunday, however the event was cut short due to threat of severe weather. So even though the site was about 13 hours from where we lived I was allowed to leave early Friday evening instead of staying. As I pull up in the driveway of our home I noticed a car parked a couple of doors down. Sitting in it was the same young man that I frequently seen driving around the neighborhood. I thought nothing of it and entered our house. I head upstairs to find my wife in the shower. Our bed is a mess and her clothes were tossed all over the floor. I naively assumed she was just enjoying her time to herself and wasn't in a rush to clean up like usual. I undress and quietly sneak into the bathroom to join her in the shower. I make enough noise so I didn't startle her. As I slide open the glass door to the shower, I expected her to be shocked to see me and she is. But not happy to see me but shocked as if she was expecting me to be someone else. I explain why I'm home early and try to enter the shower but she asks to continue showering alone which I find odd but I agree because I don't want to argue the matter. As I leave the bathroom to re-dress I look outside and the young man in the car is gone. That was the last time I saw him or the car in the neighborhood. I found it odd because I had seen him constantly in passing over the last eight months but then after that day he disappeared.

   It was on that day that I suspected my wife was having an affair and that I had just narrowly avoided walking in on one of their secret love sessions. I let the suspicions build up until it was consuming my thoughts. The night we picked up the kids after they had gone to bed I asked her directly was she having an affair. She laughed at my question. Saying it was such a ridiculous thing for her to even entertain giving me an answer. Even though I thought my suspicions were valid I laughed it off too. I convinced myself that I was being paranoid. We had been through worse times in our relationship and we had a family, so yeah WHY WOULD SHE CHEAT NOW?! I disregarded my instincts and let my unconditional love for her override my common sense thinking. Now it seems I am guaranteed to pay the ultimate price for my lack of fore-sight. As she sits softly crying into her pillow I feel the overwhelming need to comfort her, but I resist. The betrayal I feel doesn't allow me to be compassionate at this moment. Our marriage will ironically end on the same day it began. We never did make love that night. We would never smile and laugh in each other's company like we did before that night. We were torn, forever broken. Once we returned home we decided to keep up appearances and that worked until we learned that the results were not an error. My wife had contracted the disease from her secret lover and passed it to me. Now we would both have no choice but to deal with the ripple affects of her infidelities. We eventually told our children that we had HIV but kept the affair between us. We tried to manage but living a lie became to much for either of us to bear. We divorced within a year never making it to another anniversary. Even though we had separated we would still remain social friends. We frequently spoke and supported each other in our battles against the virus. We were wealthy enough to afford the latest medicines to keep the virus in check and hidden from the people in our lives but it wasn't enough. It's true money can't by you everything. It didn't buy us health or happiness. The virus progressed much rapidly in my wife's body than it did in mine. She was given three years to live after her HIV developed into AIDS. She eventually lost her fight seven years after being diagnosed. When she died I mourned her greatly. Despite how much I hated her at times I loved her many more. She was in a twisted way responsible for giving me life and causing my death. The doctors tell me that it is a miracle I have lived so long without experiencing the major complications caused by contracting HIV. Yes, I am grateful for my life. Yes I am grateful that my AIDS has been held in check. But I don't feel like I was the recipient of a miracle. I sometimes feel the exact opposite that I was cursed to endure alone and be forced to play back the tragedy that befell my life and our marriage. We were never wife and husband again but she was still the love of my love. I guess that is why I never asked her why she cheated. I felt that her reasons would drive the wedge already between us farther apart. The truths that were revealed that night proved that even though she still loved me and I loved her, we could never get back what we once had. It has been a number of years and I have tried to move on but I have learned that time always has a way of reminding you, of what you wish you could forget the most. Today would have been our 50th wedding anniversary. Even though we were divorced and my wife has passed on I can't even celebrate what could have been. I try but I am not even comforted by the happiest moments we shared because I always remember that after twenty-five years of marriage she gave me love...and she gave me AIDS.



Be Safe. Be Blessed.
TWIL