I MADE YOU Stop LOVING Me

   They say hindsight is 20/20 and now I understand why because even though my eyes are wide open it doesn't matter because my soul is torn. We are now so far past apologies that pleading for forgiveness or for another chance would further damage us. I remember hearing someone say that "time heals all wounds" unfortunately for some time just reminds them how deep the cut was and how much it hurt them. I am living proof of that right now. I let my pride speak before I listened to the desires of my heart. If I had just taken the time to quiet my mouth perhaps I would not be standing outside the comfort of your embrace. Standing without you by my side with all my belongings in a box staring at a door that may  remain forever closed to me. I am angry that I allowed it to spiral this far out of control. And the more I think about it the more upset I become. But why am I angry? I should have expected this outcome. It was I who ignored the signs that things were not as good as they once were. I was the one that failed to notice the wedge growing wider to divide us.

   I don't want to believe the truth but truth is something that will never change no matter how much you want it to. I have realized that fact far too late. After I have lost everything that I valued I know that the greatest threat to our relationship came from a source that I never thought would be capable of sabotaging it...me. I think I got comfortable. I think I felt safe as if our union was unbreakable. I believed that because of all we had managed to survive through the course of our relationship that we could recover from anything.  And it was that false sense of security that lured me away into the land of contentment. I stopped putting in the willpower to work. I stopped telling you I appreciated you. I stopped telling you how important you are, how much better you made my life. I stopped treasuring you.

Yes I accept responsibility now. I want to beat on your door and scream out "I WILL DO BETTER! I NEED YOU! I WANT TO BE WITH YOU!" But it's too late. You have had enough. You will listen to my apologies no more. My separation papers have been served. So I leave quietly mulling over all my what-ifs. I didn't try hard enough when it would have made the difference. As I look back for the last time I understand that a relationship will never work with one person trying...it takes two. I relied on you to carry the both of us. I didn't do my part. I didn't share in the labor of love and so in the end I have to accept the role I played in the demise of our relationship. You believed that we would endure. But what you believed wasn't enough. It wasn't enough to make me believe in us. So here I am, alone and tortured by regrets as we go our separate ways. I hate to admit it but I destroyed what could have been a beautiful life together. Now there is no us. The things that I did, the things I was unwilling to do ultimately doomed us. I see that now. I made you not want to be with me anymore...I made you stop loving me.

Be GREAT TODAY, because you may not be given the time to be tomorrow.
TWIL

Two LIVES Were Lost...HIS And MINE.

   I have always been a fighter that's how my father raised us. And being the youngest of five and the only girl I soon acquired the necessary skills to defend myself. I was never the starter but I was always the finisher when a physical confrontation ensued. I only fought when talking just seemed to escalate the situation. To be honest even though I was great at it I didn't like to argue or fight. But because of the thrill I got from fighting I also developed a temper that few could stand to weather. So when we got serious and started spending more time together I will admit I was impressed with his patience. No matter how far off the handle I flew he stayed composed until I calmed down. We eventually became best friends and lovers then after about eight years of dating we were joined as husband and wife. He was the voice of understanding whenever something or someone upset me. He did his best to tolerate my outburst of rage. For reasons I still don't know to this day I began to hit him when we got into heated debates. It first started out as light punches on his chest and pushes on his back when he was trying to walk away from me. Then as my temper became harder to manage so did my physical attacks on him.

   To his credit he never struck back at me even though I gave him every reason to do so because if he had he would have just been defending himself. I did love him but I could not explain why I became so angry that I would result to assaulting him when we were at odds. Maybe it was my desire to fight and win that was created during my childhood that escalated into real violence as an adult in a relationship. Maybe it was his  non-confrontational response that riled me up even more. To this day I still do not know what caused me to treat him the way I did. It wasn't fair to ask him to accept me as I was but he did without question. Then one night it all changed. I was mad at him for spending so many hours at the office even though I knew he was working harder to get in line for a promotion but I went off anyway. I accused him of cheating and at the height of my intensity and anger I slapped him.

   Something changed in him at that moment as if he had finally had enough. I saw it in his face. He had taken a lot of my abuse but the slap must have triggered what he was restraining after all those years because he raised his hand and slapped me back. That should have been the moment when I realized the consequences of my acts but instead I took it as a challenge. It was the catalyst the boiled me up into attack mode. We then engaged in a full blown fist fight. By the time the cops had kicked in the door my husband, the love of my life was hunched against the fridge bleeding badly from the knife I had just driven into his chest. I remember the look of pain in his eyes. Not so much the pain from the wound but the pain that the woman he had loved and tolerated for so long had literally cut him so deep. Upon witnessing the aftermath of our brawl the officers immediately placed me into hand-cuffs and he was rushed to the emergency room. I was allowed to see him because he requested my presence. But it would be the last moment we would share together. He died that night of the injuries I had inflicted upon him with my own hands. Before his last breath he told me he forgave me and that he never stopped loving me despite the abuse. My heart broke into a thousand pieces that night as I watched his heart stop beating and flat line. And every night since I sit in this cell thinking about that fateful day. It was that day that I should've had the wisdom to lose that fight but because I didn't that day we lost two lives...his and mine.

Be GREAT TODAY, because you may not get the time to be tomorrow.
TWIL

Can't Turn A HOE Into A HOUSEWIFE or A HUSBAND

   She was FINE, perhaps too fine. Every man she met become instantly attracted to her. She had a captivating smile and a body that was seemingly flawless. She loved the attention she received and used it to basically get anything from a man that she wanted. So when she told him that she couldn't resist him or his charm he felt special. She made him feel so special in fact that he pursued and wooed her until she accepted his marriage proposal. He was proud to call her his wife because he had done what numerous men before him had attempted and failed to do. She was more than a trophy wife she became his visible symbol of his now elite status. He thought he had found love until his best friend told him that his wife was still entertaining other men. He confronted her and to his surprise she didn't deny it. She told him, "you knew how I was when you first met me...did you really think I would change for you?!" That was the moment he realized that he can't turn a hoe into a housewife.

   He was GORGEOUS, perhaps too gorgeous. He was almost irresistible to women but he also had a well known reputation when it came to loving the ladies and the ladies loving him. So when he showed interest in her, she felt like she was the luckiest woman alive. She tried to play coy as if his attentions meant nothing to her but in fact they were everything to her. So she gave him everything she could to keep his attention on her. She gave him complete access to her life, to her money and to her bed. She had become so smitten by him that he became her sole focus, her only source of happiness. She thought she loved him but she realized that she was in love with the idea, that she was in love with someone like him. She had heard rumors that she wasn't the only woman in his life but she was so blinded by his smile and believed every word that left his lips that she just ignored them. She thought she had found love until she came home from a conference early to discover her husband in bed with two of her friends. She stormed out of the room heartbroken and in tears. He ran out behind her and said "Don't be mad baby, there is plenty of room if you want to join us." That's the moment when she realized that she can't turn a hoe into a husband.

As far as one night stands go this was one for the RECORD books. They had both had numerous sexual sessions with other persons but they had never been with someone like they were tonight. Under the haze of lust they were on each other at full throttle. It was so memorable and intense that the next morning they stared at each with surprise and in awe. They exchanged information and decided to keep in contact. So began the process of their courtship and rise to becoming a couple. After a few months they decided to act further on their brash impulse to become a couple and they eloped. Their marriage was cool for a time and to their credit they both managed to stay exclusive to each other but their uncontrollable desires to be with different people eventually got the best of them. Because they had never been in a monogamous relationship before they didn't know how to cope with the restraints of being committed. They thought they had found love but they were still young. They both felt they had yet to really experience life so they decided that it was better to end their relationship instead of cheating on each other behind closed doors. It was in that moment that they realized that they can't turn a hoe into a housewife or a husband.

Be GREAT TODAY, because you may not be given the time to be tomorrow.
TWIL

MARRIED AND CELIBATE

   When we first met there was an instant sexual attraction. It was so strong that we ended up having what I thought would only be one of those legendary one-night stands I would tell my boys about later. But thankfully we found something greater than the sex appeal we shared and the love we developed strengthened our physical chemistry. I always looked forward to our sessions because they were so intense and filled with passion. Our compatibility in the bedroom allowed us to enjoy a level of openness and comfort that few other couples ever experience. We dated for years until we decided that the time was right for us to get married. Our wedding ceremony was magical, the scenes that dreams are made of. Our wedding night was more explosive than anything I had ever felt. It just reaffirmed to me that I had finally found the woman that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and share my bed with forever. The love we made was nothing short of mind blowing and to a man as sexual as I am there was nothing more satisfying than loving a woman that gave him the greatest sexual experiences he had known.

   I was beyond happy and fulfilled by every aspect of our relationship but the sex we shared made me feel special. I was floating on cloud nine all the time! Then after a couple of years of marriage things started to take a turn for the worst. I began to feel neglected because she was logging more hours at work trying to make partner and the talks we use to have all the time about us becoming parents began to not happen at all. Every time I would take the initiative to make a move to arouse her or ask for sex she would have an excuse to counter. At first I would just be patient and accept her reasons but then it eventually got to the point that she would start sleeping in the other room to avoid the pressures she said I was putting on her. We use to have sex sometimes three times a day now we don't have sex for three or more weeks at a time. One time during one of our now common dry spells I absolutely spazed and accused her of cheating on me because she refused to touch me. But as she normally did when I got upset she would assure me that she wasn't cheating, give me great sex and then I would leave it alone again until the next dry season.

   In my heart I know she is faithful but I just can't understand how we progressively went from not being able to keep our clothes on in each other's presence to not even sleeping together. It just hurts that I have to practically beg her, MY WIFE for the affection and pleasure of being with her that I had become so accustomed to receiving back when we were only dating. And then when we do make love it feels forced like she is just doing it to quiet me down which makes me feel guilty as if I am forcing her. My heart is breaking because I don't want to be without her but I don't know how else to proceed. I have talked to her. I have pleaded with her. I have even threatened to divorce her. Truth is I don't know how long I can live without her touch anymore and the lack of attention is causing me to think about getting it from another woman. I don't want to give in to that temptation because I do love her and I still greatly desire her. I am at a crossroads because I have needs that she used to meet without question but now she refuses to even acknowledge them. I constantly ask myself, how do you make someone want you as much as you want them?! I never imagined that after all we had been through in our relationship and all the great love we made that the one thing that could threaten to break us down and break us apart is being married and celibate.

Be GREAT TODAY, because you may not be given the time to be tomorrow.
TWIL