WHY Didn't He MARRY ME?!

   He told me he loved me. He promised he would never leave me. He guaranteed he would never ever break my heart. Well I guess it's pretty obvious as I sit at the altar on what was meant to be one of the most magical days of my life...dabbing my eyes with tissue surrounded by friends and family that HE WAS A FUCKING LIAR. But what really angers me is that, as hurt as I am, I can't say that I am  completely surprised he stood me up on our wedding day. I saw the signs, I noticed the trends yet I blissfully ignored the warnings. Honestly I thought that if I gave him enough attention he would never look for it from another woman. I believed if I met his needs he would never have a reason to not come home. I was wrong. I tried to change the zebra's stripes to spots. I realize that now. I failed and now I am a victim of my own poor decisions. My father is furious beyond description for the pain his baby girl is in. My mother and girlfriends keep trying to assure me that I am not the reason he didn't show up. But I know the truth.

   Everyone is placing the blame on him but the fact is I am MORE GUILTY than he is. I knew. I KNEW he wasn't husband material. I knew that his attitude toward marriage and commitment were less than favorable. Hell his numerous past deeds of unfaithfulness alone should have been enough evidence to convict him of being unworthy of being married to me. But pride is a bitch! Pride gave me false security. I felt that I was the woman that could mold him into a better man. I knew I could make him a good husband if I only loved him enough. I was arrogant enough to believe that I could force him to change. It's crazy because through the haze of my sobbing I realize why you don't care for a sick snake, because in the end it is still a snake. Now I am suffering from the bite I thought would never come but should have prepared for. I actually remembered him telling me bluntly after we had been dating for about three years that he could NEVER see himself being with only one woman for the rest of his life. He thought marriage was a legal way to hinder him financially and restrict him sexually. I laughed him off thinking he was just being an ass. Now how ironic is it that I'm the ass sitting in a big ass wedding dress crying like a baby with colic. I'm the one being laughed at.

   I can't lie and pretend that I didn't play a hand in this train wreak of a relationship. I let him do whatever he wanted. I made it acceptable for him to disrespect me and step out of our relationship without penalty. Yes he isn't shit for putting me through this but I have to be honest and take responsibility. I had and should have taken those opportunities to exit the relationship. My only consolation is that I never conceived a child with him...now that would have fucked this moment up even more. So in the end I guess I should feel somewhat fortunate. All I have really wasted was seven years of my time, money and invested emotions. Perhaps him abandoning me at the altar is the best thing for me. Perhaps this teachable moment will make me value myself as a woman and future wife and mother. I am in pain but I will recover. I will shed many more tears but they will dry. I know the role I played in this show so I have to learn to live with what has happened. Days will pass and I will get angry with what happened on this day. But I will grow from it. Even though I know the answer I will still ask myself for years to come the question that only he can answer...why didn't he marry me?!


"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring greatness out of those around them." - TWIL