So after being together for almost eight years we finally got married when she was six months pregnant. It was a trip because it wasn't until I said "I Do" that I realized I did. I did love her. I did want to spend my life with her. I had made the right decision. I was still a little ashamed that it took for us to get pregnant for me to accept those facts but we were married now and preparing for a new baby so happiness erased my shame. We happily awaited the debut of our child with youthful and nervous excitement. But deep into her third trimester complications started to arise and eventually forced our hand making an emergency c-section necessary to save both my wife and child. Have you ever heard someone say "I knew the moment I saw them I was in love."?! Well I have never been the one to believe in love at first sight and for good reason. But as it frequently does life found a way to humble me. Her effect on me was immediate and long lasting. It started from the first time I cradled her in my arms, held her little hand and gazed into her beautiful little face I knew that I was in love. She altered my whole life and forced a change upon me that I didn't believe was possible. My daughter's arrival into my world changed every plan I thought I had set in concrete and made me excited about becoming something I never desired or thought I would be fit to be...a father. However the birth of our daughter also brought the end of another life that I loved. The complications that plagued her mother's pregnancy didn't subside after the delivery.
My wife would pass away in her sleep the morning of our discharge four days later. Unknown to the doctors a clot had moved from her leg into her brain. Because I was now going to have to raise our daughter alone I did my best to always be there for her. Even though she would never have the opportunity to grow up with her mother I promised her she would still have the love of two parents. So she grew and I was there for every moment. I held her hands as she took her first steps. Wiped her tears when she had her first fall. Helped her read her first book and ride her first 2 wheel bike. I made sure that whenever she needed me I was there and even when she didn't I was close by. My daughter gave me a new purpose and healthy zest for life so I did my best to make sure she lived a life that was as close to perfect as I could provide. So for the better part of 21 years I was fortunate to witness her grow from a precious tiny baby into an intelligent, beautiful young woman. And it was on the day of her college graduation ceremony that I remembered why I was more proud of her accomplishments than I was of my own. She had consistently worked so hard from such a young age that it seemed destined that she would complete the rare achievement of earning the title of Valedictorian for both her high school and college senior classes.
So as I sat in the crowd surrounded by other parents and family members awaiting their own child's name to be called I was taken back to one of my favorite memories. It was of her preschool graduation and I remembered cheering so loudly when she walked the stage then. Even though she was just beginning her academic career she had flashed moments of brilliance so it made me hopeful for what was to come. I was witnessing full circle what I had already seen years before. I was proud beyond expression and the only pain that I felt was that her mother was not here to cheer her was well. On the way to her favorite restaurant to celebrate the end of one journey and the beginning of another tragedy struck our family again. An SUV driver not paying attention ran a stop sign and crashed head-on into the drivers side of my truck. The last memory I had was that of my baby cradling me in her arms, hold my hands, telling me to hold on. I awoke out of my coma six weeks later to find myself hooked up to machines and my daughter sleeping in a chair. I try to move and speak which sets off a series of alarms which draw enough attention that three or four people come running into the room. After being calmed down by my daughter and the nurses, the doctors were brought in to speak with me. I took the worst of the accident resulting in damaged internal organs and blood loss. After being told of what I survived and how long my complete recovery would take I also learned why the rumors and gossip among family and friends was always hushed and spoken in quiet corners. In an effort to save my life my daughter tried to donate blood and a kidney to me but was turned away at first because it was discovered that she wasn't biologically compatible because she was not my biological daughter.
There are many times that we allow our emotions to override and erase our logic. And even though I never acted like the hushed discussions bothered me nor inquired with my wife if I was truly the father of her child, in the back of my mind I also wondered. But that curiosity was killed the day my daughter was born. It was clear now why the night before she died while holding our daughter she said to me..."no matter what happens between us promise me you will be a good father to her, because no matter what you ARE her father." I always thought it was her way of indirectly telling me the gossip was false and a way to get me to verbally commit to being there for the both of them. Weeks after I left the hospital I remember taking my daughter out to dinner on her 21st birthday day. While talking about my recover and her new promotion she just exploded into tears saying, "I still don't believe what they told me. You are the only father I have ever known!". Battling back my own tears I held her hands in my hands the same way I had done when she was an infant in my arms for the first time. I looked her in her mother's eyes and tell her without reservation..."YOU ARE MY DAUGHTER! And I am the only father that you will EVER need to know!" It was in that moment that we both found peace. It was a topic that we would never address again. I remember getting home that night and going through old pictures as a way to relive happy memories. It was one in particular that caused me to shed tears. It was a photo of my baby girl in her Pre-K graduation cap and gown. I was still proud of that little lady even though the truth of my paternity had been revealed. But at that moment then and in this moment now, it didn't matter because I wouldn't change or erase the beautiful memories and priceless time I had invested in her growth. I was proud of the young woman that I had raised, biological daughter or not, I didn't spend the last 21 years not a father. I spent the last two decades plus enjoying life as HER FATHER and I wouldn't trade that experience for all the gold and silver in the world.
"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring the greatness out of those around them." - TWIL
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