Now before you read this please take heed to this disclaimer...I AM NOT A LOVE EXPERT NOR AM I A THERAPIST, I've just been through some real shit and learned some great lessons because of them! I do not claim that this chapter will offer you great advice or guide you in the right directions when it comes to working out the issues between you and your significant other. It is simply a collection of my own thoughts and opinions. So now that you have been warned it is your choice to accept my randomness at your own risk or reward! Cool?! Good, let's proceed then. There is an old saying that speaks to the balance of courtship called the 80/20 rule. And it states..."in a relationship, you will only receive 80% of what you want/need from your partner and the other 20% that you desire can only be found in someone outside your relationship." Now let's look at the numbers of this equation 80 and 20. Simple math tells us that 80% is greater than 20% but also that 80% requires the missing 20% in order to become 100% or whole. So when we really break it down the 80/20 rule is basically telling us that while engaged in a relationship we will never be able to find happiness or have 100% of what we want in ONE partner. And that my friends is 100% true AND also 100% false. Wait, WHAT?! That's a double negative! How the hell can that be true and false?! Well keep reading and I will share my reasons why!
The 80/20 logic is 100% TRUE in the sense that we will never receive 100% from our partner because as we age the things we realize we need to live a healthy and balanced life change. The people in our circles change. The activities that bring us joy change. Our desires, wants EVERYTHING CHANGES with time. So even though we spend majority of our days with someone else while in a relationship we are still growing individually. We either get old and mature or age and become immature either way WE CHANGE. And because we are constantly in these states of transformation it can be very difficult to establish exactly what we need from our partners to make us completely happy or 100%. The result of these changes gradually cause shifts in our behaviors. We begin to acquire a sense of entitlement, which leads us to feel that we should be free to make choices but not deal with the consequences that accompany them. We look at the 80% (sometimes more) that our partner is giving us and we get greedy. We start to ask ourselves, "Why can't I have more?! Why can't I have 100% of my needs met?" And it's this mind-set that allows our inner thoughts to manifest into real world situations that must now be addressed outside of our minds. We begin to find reasons to negate the value of our partners. We start to accuse them of not giving enough because we want more. We then forget how much 80% is of 100 and we allow the absence of the 20% (sometimes less) to consume us and drive us stupid. We take time away from appreciating what we already have and begin investing it into something we THINK we want but ultimately do not need. The sad reality is that many of us learn this only after we have sacrificed the 80 in order to have the 20. We failed to understand and appreciate how complete or close to being 100% happy that we already were.
Now the other side of the scale and why the 80/20 principal is also 100% FALSE is because we DO NOT need to receive 80% from our partner to be satisfied and in a healthy fulfilling relationship. Have you ever been staring at your significant other and caught yourself saying in your head, "how the hell did I end up with this muthafucker?!" You start picking them apart in your head attempting to validate every single flaw they possess then right before you say something mean out loud they look up at you and smile. And their small gesture warms your heart so much it makes you want to jump on them and smother their face in your kisses. Or they make a face at you that makes you laugh so hard that it echoes deep down in your soul because after all these years you still can't understand why something so simple as one of their silly faces makes you feel so special. And it's moments like this and others that we experience everyday that make us remember why we love their ass so much despite having every flaw that seconds ago we were bitching about. That is why the 80/20 rule can be utter bullshit. Because when you have invested time, money, pain, joy, tears, laughter, good times and bad times into someone you love you do so because they have shown you that they have committed to investing the same into you. We accept that our partners are lacking in one form or another because we understand that NO ONE IS PERFECT. And that's not foolishness to love someone who isn't perfect. Who wants the stress of trying to keep a perfect person happy?! SHIIIT I know I don't HAHAHAHAHA. The truth is we accept their 20% (sometimes less) because in our hearts we know that the 80% (sometimes more) that we're bringing to the table is enough to balance everything out.
The connections we have created and the deep love that we share is worth the sacrifice of petty percentages. So we stick with them because we would rather deal with their bullshit and know we are deeply loved than deal with someone elses and have to question their emotions and intentions! Time has shown us (and every other fucked up relationship we've survived) that if we have to give 80% and they can only muster 20% we cherish them anyway. We don't belittle them because they aren't matching our effort, we salute them because they are busting their ass to give all they have to keep us happy. We know that their 20% is genuine and we have experienced enough to know that their real 20% is more valuable than the faked 80% someone else may be offering. I guess I don't believe in the 80/20 rule because it is a setup. It is basically convincing us that in order for us to be happy and find happiness we need to look for it in others. I have always believed and do to this day that if a person is not happy in themselves they will never find joy in another person or in a relationship. So regardless if you are the 80 or the 20 you need to value yourself. Once you make it a priority to treasure yourself you will attract someone that sees your worth and then you will both create a relationship that isn't built on percentages but on devotion. So there are my random thoughts folks...my take on the 80/20 relationship trap...what's yours?
"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring the greatness out of those around them." - TWIL
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