As I begin to write this a little girl who looks like a miniature version of me runs full speed into the den screaming at the top of her lungs, "DADDY!!! DADDY!!! COME LOOK AT WHAT I DID!!! COME HERE!!! COME HERE!!!" I push back from the desk and follow her into the living room where she presents the source of her excitement...a five course play doh picnic. She had carefully crafted numerous lumps of the colorful substance into shapes that resemble real food. I sit down next to her on the blankets, say grace and we begin to "eat". And as she passes me food to try, I think to myself...just how much of a GIGANTIC WASTE OF MY FREAKING TIME it would have been had I stayed sitting in my chair instead of joining her. And as it has been for much of the last 5 years, I routinely find myself doing the things that MATTER MOST TO HER than doing the things that I think are important to me. So instead of writing I took a break and shared a meal with my baby girl. We ate the play doh sandwiches, fries, strawberries and pizza and drunk the imaginary tea and juice. We laughed when we faked burped and even had a food fight (by the way play doh IS NOT as soft as it looks either)!
Another good memory for both her and I to cherish. As we cleaned up (and we as in I did while she watched TV) I realized how much I thoroughly enjoy her company and cool she can be most days. Because there are moments when she can be a consistent pain ESPECIALLY when she gives me attitude! But we have more good than bad days together as daughter and father and as with any relationship, that's the goal...to have more good than bad. So after she is in bed I come back to writing and as I focus on how to start this chapter I think about our picnic and other fun times we share. I reflected on how much her existence has transformed my life. I remembered how my life was before her and how it has been since she arrived. And it was the realization of that comparison that shocked me because I wasn't ready for the hard core truth. It made me recall years ago someone telling me before I was even close to becoming a father, "that when you have kids they change who you are and who you would have become without them."
But what they neglected to tell me, probably on purpose, was that not only will having kids change you personally THEY WILL FUCKING DESTROY YOUR ENTIRE LIFE HAHAHAHAHA. Everything that you thought was important or wanted in life will not only take a back seat to their needs and wants but they will be thrown out the window and dragged until your dreams become unrecognizable. You will spend the next 17-23 years busting your ass trying to give them everything you had and or didn't have because you love them more than your own life and want them to be happy. They will force you to exhibit patience you never knew you had when they constantly and intentionally push buttons you never existed. They are loud, hungry, dirty, rude, smelly, aggravating, embarrassing yet entertaining mini versions of yourself and sometimes you will despise them for it. But after all the tantrums and tears you still love the little monsters because they are YOUR little monsters!
Now before she was born I played Madden for hours on hours before and after work until my wife made me come to bed. I could go where ever I wanted and could hang with my boys for as late as I wanted. My time was MY TIME, I WAS FREE!!! Yes I was married but my lady was grown. She made her own money, drove her own car and had keys to our home so essentially even though I cared for her she didn't NEED ME to CARE FOR her...ya dig?! So in theory I was a man with no strings attached and no major obligations. That all changed the day our daughter left Heaven and came into this world. From her first breath to her last, it was now my duty as her father, my God given responsibility, to provide for her the best possible life I could. And in order to do that I had to grow, adapt and change into someone that I was not. It was a struggle at first but providing her with a quality of life became more important than fulfilling my own wants. So I traded Madden and my PlayStation for a diaper bag and a rocking chair. My happy hours for late night bottle feedings. Sportscenter for Disney Junior. Hanging out all night with my boys to sleeping on her bedroom floor until the early morning just to make sure monsters didn't get her while she slept.
My life was forced into a COMPLETE 360 all without my consent. At times I felt I had been hoodwinked and bamboozled because I had no manual, no instructions and no right or wrong way to help raise this child. I had no idea how to be a father let alone become the most important male figure that my baby girl would have in her life. But I focused myself and made the choices that would remold me into what I prayed would be a better man. All because a warm hearted, hilarious, intelligent and beautiful little girl choose us to be her parents. Fatherhood is one of those things in life that can get harder to handle with time BUT I swear it is WORTH. EVERY. SINGLE. MOMENT. I am eternally honored and privileged to be a daddy. So, YES!!! FATHERHOOD DID DESTROY MY LIFE!!! But when it did, my life was rebuilt and I was given a new purpose. I even earned an awesome new title...HAVEN'S DAD! And in my mind that is something to be quite proud of.
"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring greatness out of those around them." - TWIL
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