ME CHEATING DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T LOVE YOU

"You cannot say I don't love you, just because I cheat on you. Because you don't see all I do to keep you from knowing the things I do." - John Legend, Number One

   In some circles I could be considered a bit promiscuous some jealous folks sometimes have even been bold enough to refer to me as a hoe, but trust me, I am far from either label. I am just a woman that knows what she wants and when she wants it. And the thing that I happen to want a lot of is sex. Pure, unattached, and unemotional sex. I have always been very selective in the men that I had interactions with. And I was always attracted to and desired a very specific type of man. And that allure caused me to get into some dare I say questionable positions. For as long as I care to remember I have craved the attention and feel of older men. It had been that way since my early 20's and then it just exploded as I got older. My desires of the flesh eventually lead me to being involved with married men who were tired of the wives they were going home to every night. It was wrong I know but again the pull was too great to resist. One man in particular was my favorite. So when the affair began to spiral into a relationship that I was not willing to partake in I had to check him before it got beyond my control. So as I do when I tire of a man and his issues I find another toy to play with to show them how replaceable they are. I swear the look on his face was priceless when he showed up at my place and my new flavor of the month opened the door. There he stood with a look of shock on his face damn near about to cry. He mumbles to me "I thought what we had was special. I thought you loved me." And since he gave me too many lavish gifts and the sex was great I didn't want him to leave the team just yet, so I calmed him down and reassured him with a simple phrase that has worked well for me during my adventures...I told him "me cheating doesn't mean I don't love you."


   I love being a man! Especially when it comes to being sexual. I can bang as many women as I want with little to no drama. Because unlike the lames that cause problems for themselves I am always up front and honest about my moves and motives. I tell every woman I am about to bed that I am and will always be addicted to the thrill of being with more than one woman. Now some of the chicks I get involved with at first can handle it but then catch feelings and get all crazy possessive and violent and when that happens I drop them broads like heavy bricks. But the true gems are the ladies that accept and respect my lifestyle. They are the epitome of a loyal side piece. When I text or call at 3am cause I want some action their door is always open and their bed is always warm. I have had chicks drive hours to see me just because they needed some of my earth shaking loving! I have even told some of them I love them and it's not a lie I do love them...I LOVE HAVING SEX WITH THEM HAHAHAHAHAHA! Sometimes it's sad to see how addicted these women can get. They will scramble to get babysitters, call out sick from work, spend the money their boyfriends, husbands and kid's fathers have given them. It's crazy man but hey that's what they want so I give them my best. One of my favorite girls is totally gone. She wants to be my only one so bad but hates so much that I hump other chicks. The other night she came to my house in tears shaking and acting like her heart was breaking in her hands. She tells me she couldn't take sharing me anymore knowing I was hitting the sheets with other females. She actually told me she wanted me to stop seeing other women. But because she had the bomb bomb I had to hit her with my pot of gold saying. And when I did she killed that crazy talk and her panties dropped at the same time...I  told her "me cheating doesn't mean that I doesn't love you."

  We have been married for about 7 years and I haven't been faithful for 1 day. I have tried to be a one partner person but I just can't. I can't change what I am. Call me addicted to sex or addicted to variety but whatever the reason I just can't settle and be chained to one partner for the rest of my life. So why get married you ask?! Well the truth is rather simple if you think about it. It was due to the pressures of expectations. Everyone expects you to get married and have kids and live the happily ever after. But what they don't expect is for you to have multiple partners. Society frowns on you when you enjoy sex with different people. They will call you a whore, a pimp and so many other insulting names it's not even funny. My partner knew before the "I Do's" how I was and they accepted that if they wanted me they would have to accept me and all that I was. So the vows were spoken and the understanding was had. So as the years passed and I had my affairs, discreetly of course because we both had images to maintain with no issue. And everything was sweet as sugar and our agreement wasn't a problem until having children came up. WTF to that right?! Apparently having kids required more devotion and a cleaner facade but I wasn't ready to give up my other partners just to follow and conform to what is expected instead of what I wanted. So one late night as I was returning home from one of my meetings I was told that I had to choose. Decide who was more important them or the others. And because I did have an image to maintain with my family, friends, coworkers and such I couldn't risk a separation or divorce so I spoke the words that have always worked for me when my paradise was in jeopardy, I said..."me cheating doesn't mean that I doesn't love you."


"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring the greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

@$%+ MARRIAGE!!!

Mar·riage
noun: marriage; plural noun: marriages
1. the formal union of a man and a woman, typically recognized by law, by which they become husband and wife; a relationship between a man and woman or between two persons of the same sex.
2.  a combination or mixture of two or more compatible elements.

   I would always ask myself growing up, if this is what marriage is all about then...WHY THE HELL would ever I want to get married?! Because through my eyes getting married had to be probably the WORST DECISION a person could ever make in their entire life! So as I grew into manhood my thoughts on marriage were simple...FUCK MARRIAGE. Kind of harsh right?! Yeah maybe...but let me share my story with you before you judge my views on the subject. As a young boy I witnessed up close and personal exactly how fucked up the institution of marriage was. My sister and I watched daily how our mother would relentlessly beat the shit out of my dad both verbally and physically. In short she was a HORRIBLE wife and a mediocre mother at best. Now it wasn't that she was completely evil because she did have her moments of good but she had many demons that she couldn't outrun or live down and she took that out on my father. My dad was a quiet peace keeper that some might have confused as being a coward but he wasn't a punk because he never hesitated to display his immense courage and strength when it mattered. But his problem was that he was too soft of a man when it came to my mother.

   He rarely checked my mother when she would go ape shit. I believe that was because he was so blinded by his love and attraction to her that he constantly accepted her treatment of him believing that was just how she expressed her love for him...fucked up right?! I know but allow me to continue! He absorbed every insult, every cuss word, every push and every punch. ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING she threw at him he took it with his chest out and his face twisted into a smile. To his credit the only time he would stand up to my mother was when she tried to fuck with us the way she fucked with him. It was always in those moments that he never hesitated to defend my sister and I. If she started to berate us he would become the barrier to shield and separate us from her, whether we were right or wrong he defended us against her type of "love" and discipline. And in hindsight it was his unwavering protection of us that made him the target and the sole recipient of her aggressive tendencies. Growing up as children you seem to accept everything without question until you learn better. So it would be that way until I learned much later in my young adulthood that my parent's marriage wasn't "normal".

   When I left home to for college I ended up attending a school a couple of states away in the same general location where my grandparents lived so I would often visit them since they were so close. At first it was funny to hear my grandma call my grandpops an "old piece of worthless shit" or see her strike him across his legs with her cane. But then as I witnessed it happen more frequently I became ashamed to see my grandmother treating my grandfather that way and I would find myself intervening to protect him from her abuse. I soon realized that the reason the behavior bothered me and seemed so familiar was that I had seen it growing up. It was the same way my mother treated my father! WHAT. THE. FUCK!!! It all made sense! Things were now clear as Crystal. My dad was the by product of this horrible environment, collateral damage caught up in this ridiculous example of a marriage. He grew up having to watch his own mother verbally and physically abuse his father and he witnessed first hand the toxic union that my grandparents had.So when he married he allowed the relationship he shared with my mother to mirror the one he grew up with watching his parents.

   Truth is it was some really sad heart wrenching shit to accept because it was like finding out your black great-great-grandparents who worked on the Underground Railroad also owned black slaves. The revelation wasn't all bad though because I was glad to learn that my dad's acceptance of my mom's behavior wasn't random. He didn't stay with her for all this time just because he was fucked up from being stupid in love. He had learned to see that type of "love" as normal because it was damn near programmed into his head since he was a young boy himself so that love was all he knew. It's a trip because when we were little kids my pops would always say it wasn't mommy but the "drinks" that made her so tempermental. He always excused her behaviors and made it seem that she couldn't control her actions. When in essence it was he that couldn't control his actions. He couldn't control being attracted to and falling in love with a mean ass woman like my mom. He had never learned that love didn't hurt, never been taught that a marriage wasn't supposed to be miserable. He put himself in harm's way so that his kids could have a safe Haven growing up and I appreciate that but his actions always made me question how much of your own happiness should you have to sacrifice, because you love someone?!

   And even though we made it into adulthood virtually unaffected by their issues I was still scared by what I witnessed coming up. Paranoid that I would become my father or worse that my sister would become my mother. There is a quote I read in a book once that said, "the sins of the father falls on the son." So for a while I believed that I was destined and doomed to follow in my grandfather's and father's footsteps. Which would see me meet, marry and have kids with a dreadful woman who would treat me like shit. But you know what I said to myself...FUCK THAT!!! Because I also read a quote that says "talent tends to skip a generation." So in order to prevent my own kids from reliving my childhood or myself endure my father's and grandpops' marriage woes I vowed to NEVER get married. Because I figured out the key to a happy marriage is two fold...either you avoid marrying an asshole (which isn't guaranteed one way or the other) or you don't marry at all. I know it sounds extreme but fuck, what else am I gonna do?! I would rather raise my kids alone or have a lifetime live in girlfriend than find myself condemned by law after I say "I do". I refuse to be bound to a crazy bitch that will make me less of a man for the reminder of my life. Say what you want, judge all you can but I found a way to break the cycle, I know what must be done! No golden diamond encrusted mini ring cuffs for me EVER. I saw what getting married did to my grandpops and father so I have chosen not to go out that way...that's why I will always be like FUCK MARRIAGE!!!

 "Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring the greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

CONFESSIONS OF A BAD FATHER

 

   If I can be honest for a moment I want to share something that I have only said to myself and to the Lord if he was listening...I NEVER wanted children. I never wanted to have any little person of any gender calling me daddy. It just wasn't in my plans. In fact it wasn't even in my genes. My dad and mom were both rolling stones. My pops split before I was born and my mom gave me up for adoption soon after dropping me. So the concept of being a family man was a foreign thing to me and since I never experienced what being a part of a family meant I had no desire to have one. Growing up in the foster care system because I moved from group home to group home made me hard. And as I got older I became colder until eventually I was emotionally closed off from people. My only concern in life was my own self-preservation and the only person I cared about was me. End of story. Fast forward a couple of decades and I find myself at a crossroads and it all began with a passing glance. I was standing at the counter paying for my items when I saw the most beautiful example of a woman that my eyes had ever focused on. Now I can't say it was love at first sight but it damn sure was lust at the earliest notice. She was the definition of perfection and I don't know if it was the curve of her hips or the bust of her breasts or the focused look on her face as she settled down at the back of the coffee shop to read her book but whatever she had that commanded my attention...made me desperately want more of it and her!

   So our courtship began with an introduction and a simple hello. The mental and physical attraction was intense and immediate for the both of us and that magnetic pull resulted in a GLORIOUS one night stand. Truth is I had never been in love or felt the immense longing to be with a woman or any other person for that matter like I felt with her but after spending the first of what would be many nights in her presence that was all it took for me to know that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. So five and a half years later we were married. For the first time in my life I had someone that loved me. For the first time in my life I had someone that I loved. And for the first in my life I was happy. Then one night about seven months into our marriage it all seemed to come crashing down. My lady walks up behind me while I was washing dishes, hugs my back while caressing my chest and kisses my neck which was the unspoken signal that it was time to play! As I turn to face her she looks me deep in the eyes and she kisses my face. She leans up to my ear and gently whispers the words that I knew might one day come but desperately dreaded..."I want to have your baby." To any other man that would have possibly been the greatest thing he could hear from the woman he loved and cherished. But to me it was the equivalent to being betrayed by the closest friend, like finding out that Jesus was partners with Satan. Time passed and I did all I could to sabotage my wife's desire to be a mother and to prevent my entry into fatherhood. I did everything short of getting a vasectomy but as life always does it found a way.

   That day eventually came two years later in the form of a positive pregnancy test. My wife was beyond elated while I was severely deflated. But because I deeply loved her I put on my best face when I accompanied her to her ultrasounds. I smiled my best smile when she asked me to feel the babies' kick. I kept my voice filled with joy when we discussed the future arrival of our kids. Even with all the disappointment in my heart about having a family I actually held out hope that watching my twin girls come into this world would be the catalyst that would change my feelings about being a father. But their arrival did little to sway me. It actually made me despise the idea of being a father even more. I resented them the moment they were in my arms as I watched them open their eyes and listened to them breathe their first breathes. I hated them for what they had done to my perfect little life. I hated how much my wife and everyone else always talked about them. I hated rocking them to sleep and wiping shit off their butts ever fucking hour. I hated EVERY moment of every single day of being a father. I tried my best to be excited when they smiled the first smiles, when they spoke their first words and took their first steps but I just couldn't. Because their existence reminded me every day of what could have been and what I was missing out on. It got to be so much that one night I stood in the middle of their room and contemplated doing what my mom and dad did to me...just leave the house and never come back. But I didn't because my loyalty was to my wife so instead I sulked in silence and drowned my time and thoughts into my work, sports and anything else that I could find to distract me.

   I accepted my fate. I believed I was sentenced to suffer in the worst possible way I could imagine...living my life as someone I desperately didn't want to be and that made me hate our children even more for forcing me to accept that reality. It wasn't until after the twins 3rd birthday party that I realized that I had finally endured enough. I convinced myself that I would not waste another day in this place of mental torture. I would become the rolling stone that I long desired to be. So I waited until the house was quite and everyone was sleeping. I gave my wife a good bye kiss and slowly crept out of our bed. I took the packed bag out of the closet and made my way to the back door. I told myself I was doing the right thing by leaving because the veil of my unhappiness would eventually be lifted and that I would cause more suffering if I stayed growing more bitter. And even though I would miss my wife I knew she would be OK because she was strong and she would be a much better parent to the twins then I could ever be. So I turned to leave. As I opened the back door I experienced a divine intervention that ultimately changed my life. I was half through the door with my bag slung over my shoulder when I felt the slightest tug on my shirt which made me immediately freeze. In the faint light of the moon being cast through the door frame I made out the silhouette of two small girls. Our oldest daughter pulls on my shirt again and asks "daddy where are you going?!", followed closely by another question from her baby sister "daddy can we go with you?!" Perhaps it was the innocence of my offspring inquiring about where I was headed that forced me into a moment of clarity or just the shame of being caught trying to run away but whatever it was it caused me to step back into the house. I closed the door and placed my bag on the counter. I turned on the light so they could see my face. Their questions deserved answers, I owed them that much. But as I searched for a response I realized that I didn't have an answer to give them.

   The few seconds that they were standing there looking at me felt like days so I sat down because my confusion about how to answer them was causing me to feel lightheaded. And as I pondered how to tell them that I was leaving they climbed into my lap and just laid their little heads against my chest. They put their tiny hands into mine and for the first time in my life I was really seeing them. I held them closer and rocked them gently in my lap. It wasn't until that very moment that I accepted that I was not my father nor my mother. I was not a rolling stone. I was a family man. For the first time since their mother told me she was carrying them I knew that I wanted to be their father. It was in that moment of pure revelation that I did something that I had never remembered doing before, I cried. I cried so hard that it hurt my throat and chest. I cried so deep that it made my baby girls cry too. I cried so strongly that it woke my wife who saw us, said nothing, sat down beside us and cried too. That night I realized that my children were what I always wanted and needed but never knew. My wife and daughters, MY FAMILY made my life worth living. I had wasted almost four years hating our children and not appreciating all their milestones and wasting the precious memories that make the struggle of parenthood worth it. It is damn near tragic how I almost intentionally abandoned the best experience my life had every known. But as life would have it, I stopped short of destroying my own peace. I have made amends with myself which allowed  me to rededicate myself to being a father. Now I spend every moment with my girls who are growing up grand as if it is our last days together. I appreciate my wife more every day for bringing them into this world. Yes I never wanted to have kids and I never desired to be a parent but I am grateful that I am. I learned I have a greater purpose because I am a father. Now I know the true meaning of happiness because I have a family. These are my thoughts, the confessions of a bad father...who actually transformed into a pretty good one.

"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring the greatness out of those around them." - TWIL