If I can be honest for a moment I want to share something that I have only said to myself and to the Lord if he was listening...I NEVER wanted children. I never wanted to have any little person of any gender calling me daddy. It just wasn't in my plans. In fact it wasn't even in my genes. My dad and mom were both rolling stones. My pops split before I was born and my mom gave me up for adoption soon after dropping me. So the concept of being a family man was a foreign thing to me and since I never experienced what being a part of a family meant I had no desire to have one. Growing up in the foster care system because I moved from group home to group home made me hard. And as I got older I became colder until eventually I was emotionally closed off from people. My only concern in life was my own self-preservation and the only person I cared about was me. End of story. Fast forward a couple of decades and I find myself at a crossroads and it all began with a passing glance. I was standing at the counter paying for my items when I saw the most beautiful example of a woman that my eyes had ever focused on. Now I can't say it was love at first sight but it damn sure was lust at the earliest notice. She was the definition of perfection and I don't know if it was the curve of her hips or the bust of her breasts or the focused look on her face as she settled down at the back of the coffee shop to read her book but whatever she had that commanded my attention...made me desperately want more of it and her!
So our courtship began with an introduction and a simple hello. The mental and physical attraction was intense and immediate for the both of us and that magnetic pull resulted in a GLORIOUS one night stand. Truth is I had never been in love or felt the immense longing to be with a woman or any other person for that matter like I felt with her but after spending the first of what would be many nights in her presence that was all it took for me to know that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. So five and a half years later we were married. For the first time in my life I had someone that loved me. For the first time in my life I had someone that I loved. And for the first in my life I was happy. Then one night about seven months into our marriage it all seemed to come crashing down. My lady walks up behind me while I was washing dishes, hugs my back while caressing my chest and kisses my neck which was the unspoken signal that it was time to play! As I turn to face her she looks me deep in the eyes and she kisses my face. She leans up to my ear and gently whispers the words that I knew might one day come but desperately dreaded..."I want to have your baby." To any other man that would have possibly been the greatest thing he could hear from the woman he loved and cherished. But to me it was the equivalent to being betrayed by the closest friend, like finding out that Jesus was partners with Satan. Time passed and I did all I could to sabotage my wife's desire to be a mother and to prevent my entry into fatherhood. I did everything short of getting a vasectomy but as life always does it found a way.
That day eventually came two years later in the form of a positive pregnancy test. My wife was beyond elated while I was severely deflated. But because I deeply loved her I put on my best face when I accompanied her to her ultrasounds. I smiled my best smile when she asked me to feel the babies' kick. I kept my voice filled with joy when we discussed the future arrival of our kids. Even with all the disappointment in my heart about having a family I actually held out hope that watching my twin girls come into this world would be the catalyst that would change my feelings about being a father. But their arrival did little to sway me. It actually made me despise the idea of being a father even more. I resented them the moment they were in my arms as I watched them open their eyes and listened to them breathe their first breathes. I hated them for what they had done to my perfect little life. I hated how much my wife and everyone else always talked about them. I hated rocking them to sleep and wiping shit off their butts ever fucking hour. I hated EVERY moment of every single day of being a father. I tried my best to be excited when they smiled the first smiles, when they spoke their first words and took their first steps but I just couldn't. Because their existence reminded me every day of what could have been and what I was missing out on. It got to be so much that one night I stood in the middle of their room and contemplated doing what my mom and dad did to me...just leave the house and never come back. But I didn't because my loyalty was to my wife so instead I sulked in silence and drowned my time and thoughts into my work, sports and anything else that I could find to distract me.
I accepted my fate. I believed I was sentenced to suffer in the worst possible way I could imagine...living my life as someone I desperately didn't want to be and that made me hate our children even more for forcing me to accept that reality. It wasn't until after the twins 3rd birthday party that I realized that I had finally endured enough. I convinced myself that I would not waste another day in this place of mental torture. I would become the rolling stone that I long desired to be. So I waited until the house was quite and everyone was sleeping. I gave my wife a good bye kiss and slowly crept out of our bed. I took the packed bag out of the closet and made my way to the back door. I told myself I was doing the right thing by leaving because the veil of my unhappiness would eventually be lifted and that I would cause more suffering if I stayed growing more bitter. And even though I would miss my wife I knew she would be OK because she was strong and she would be a much better parent to the twins then I could ever be. So I turned to leave. As I opened the back door I experienced a divine intervention that ultimately changed my life. I was half through the door with my bag slung over my shoulder when I felt the slightest tug on my shirt which made me immediately freeze. In the faint light of the moon being cast through the door frame I made out the silhouette of two small girls. Our oldest daughter pulls on my shirt again and asks "daddy where are you going?!", followed closely by another question from her baby sister "daddy can we go with you?!" Perhaps it was the innocence of my offspring inquiring about where I was headed that forced me into a moment of clarity or just the shame of being caught trying to run away but whatever it was it caused me to step back into the house. I closed the door and placed my bag on the counter. I turned on the light so they could see my face. Their questions deserved answers, I owed them that much. But as I searched for a response I realized that I didn't have an answer to give them.
The few seconds that they were standing there looking at me felt like days so I sat down because my confusion about how to answer them was causing me to feel lightheaded. And as I pondered how to tell them that I was leaving they climbed into my lap and just laid their little heads against my chest. They put their tiny hands into mine and for the first time in my life I was really seeing them. I held them closer and rocked them gently in my lap. It wasn't until that very moment that I accepted that I was not my father nor my mother. I was not a rolling stone. I was a family man. For the first time since their mother told me she was carrying them I knew that I wanted to be their father. It was in that moment of pure revelation that I did something that I had never remembered doing before, I cried. I cried so hard that it hurt my throat and chest. I cried so deep that it made my baby girls cry too. I cried so strongly that it woke my wife who saw us, said nothing, sat down beside us and cried too. That night I realized that my children were what I always wanted and needed but never knew. My wife and daughters, MY FAMILY made my life worth living. I had wasted almost four years hating our children and not appreciating all their milestones and wasting the precious memories that make the struggle of parenthood worth it. It is damn near tragic how I almost intentionally abandoned the best experience my life had every known. But as life would have it, I stopped short of destroying my own peace. I have made amends with myself which allowed me to rededicate myself to being a father. Now I spend every moment with my girls who are growing up grand as if it is our last days together. I appreciate my wife more every day for bringing them into this world. Yes I never wanted to have kids and I never desired to be a parent but I am grateful that I am. I learned I have a greater purpose because I am a father. Now I know the true meaning of happiness because I have a family. These are my thoughts, the confessions of a bad father...who actually transformed into a pretty good one.
"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring the greatness out of those around them." - TWIL
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