Wednesday, December 23, 2015

LOVE LETTER TO MY EX-WIFE


Dear ... 

   I know receiving this letter after so many years may seem like I am deliberately going out of my way to reopen healed wounds and throw around accusations but hear me out because it is far from that. This letter is more of an acknowledgement statement. The way things ended between us and how they are now needs to be addressed so please allow me just a couple of paragraphs to do that. When we started out we were both young and headstrong so we were blessed to be able to grow together in the same direction. For much of our relationship we both reaped the benefits of supporting each other's dreams and catering to our desires. When our kids entered the picture things went from good to great, so it's safe to say that was a true bright spot of our union. So let me say this before I get lost in my thoughts. I will ALWAYS be in your debt from bringing our children into this world and helping to raise and guide them into the strong successful persons that they are now. But for us, I think somewhere along the progression of life we forgot WHY we were together, failed to remember WHY we fell in love with each other. Even though I have never felt that the lost of love was why we slowly began to deteriorate I do believe complacency and false expectations helped to destroy us.

  I also want to apologize for initiating this. The look in your eyes and the tears on your cheeks almost killed me but I believed we owed it to each to try to be happy apart since we could no longer be happy together. Maybe if we both fought just a little harder for each other, our combined determination would have been enough. But as we learned the hard way, in a marriage, time always makes sure that the "maybes" are never enough. It's a trip because as I prepare to add my own initials to the papers that I gave you I can't help but reflect on HOW we got to this point. Now looking back over all the great times we shared I can see now that it was those moments that overshadowed the growing issues that would later divide us. I believe now not addressing those situations then caused us to miss the vital opportunities we needed to strengthen our marriage. I can't speak for you but I truly believe I took you for granted. I tried to carry the load alone instead of trusting you to do your part. In doing so I felt like many times you didn't appreciate me. I focused so much time and effort into making you happy that I failed to see that other things were making you miserable. I made the mistake of believing that as long as I supplied your needs it would lessen the impact of the pains I caused. I didn't listen to the cries of your heart.

   I see the error of my logic now, it's cliche I know, too little far too late. I want you to know that I came by the house the other day with the intention of saying these thoughts to you but I froze on the porch. I stood in front of the door we had picked out together all those years ago trying to will myself to knock. I wanted to hug you tightly, kiss your face, tell you I missed you and I loved you. I went there foolishly thinking that maybe if we shared one last embrace it would wipe away all the strife and pettiness we subjected each other to over the course of this process. But instead I decided against it because I didn't want to make this any more stressful or seem confrontational so I left solemnly. I came back to my house and began to pen this letter. It wasn't until I took time to put my thoughts on paper instead of speaking off the cuff in anger and in hurt that I gained a better understanding and acceptance of the why. Even though I do regret that we never made it to forever as we often said we would I am thankful that I got to experience, for more better than worse, thirty two wonderful years with you. Because despite that we will no longer be husband and wife I will always love you. I will forever cherish the memories we created and I am proud of the family and life we built together. 

With love,
...


"You are either the greatest contributor...or the greatest threat to your own happiness." - TWIL

Friday, November 27, 2015

Keep America..."AMERICAN"


*disclaimer* - this chapter contains provocative speech and views many SHOULD find offensive. It is just a fabricated story that does not reflect my thoughts, in fact they are intentionally opposite of my own personal beliefs. They are used in this medium only with the intent to force you to THINK.
 

Dear America,  

   I've been wanting to do this for some time and I figured with America the way it is now, it was as a good time as any to share my thoughts. Maybe they will reach other like minded folks and we can start a revolution together to take our country back before it's too late. But before I do I would first like to say that I am in no way form or fashion a racist, or generally a hateful person. In fact I actually have a sister-in-law who has a cousin who is friends with a man that is married to a black woman. And also I work in a factory with all different sorts of people who aren't white or true Americans. So before you label me as a bigot for what you are about to read remember that. I was born, raised and still live in what many folks consider the deep south so a lot of my experiences stem from my southern roots so when I wear my confederate gear it is a celebration of my heritage and I will never apologize for being proud of it. Let me first start off by saying I think it's alright for Blacks and Latinos to eat in the same restaurants with us. Shoot I like fried chicken and tacos too! I don't mind them gays integrating our schools and hell if those towel heads wanted to become real Christians I would welcome them inside our churches as well. But I draw the line when it comes to the mingling of the races. I tell ya I saw something the other day at Bubba's quick mart that almost made me swallow my tobacco chew! A white woman, AND a black man TOGETHER with their MIXED kids. I couldn't believe my eyes, one of their Mulatto abominations almost touched me when I was standing at the checkout counter! Talk about having a panic attack! But anyway back to my point.

   Now-a-days people think it's socially correct to accept other races as equal, hell the media even tells tries to tell us that homosexuals and even Muslims aren't a threat to our way of life. They call it being tolerant I just call it being stupid but that's them. I wasn't raised to be so naive. My biggest gripe is why on God's green earth would someone want to date, marry or even worse have children with someone of a different race from their own?! People should stick to their own kind! Looking at that woman I just couldn't understand why she would want to pollute her pure blood with his and create mixed babies. There is already enough wrong in this world, why would she intentional add to it! I mean take it from me, it's hard enough just being white in this country why make things harder on us by becoming a race traitor? America used to be perfect! But ever since Abraham Lincoln and that Martin Luther King fella started with all that "equal rights for all" nonsense America has been going down the toilet fast. Those boys and others lowered their guards due to public opinion. Years ago those clowns relaxed and opened up our borders so it could be invaded. I mean we took this country from the Natives we made it better but now we have all the Latinos, Arabs, Blacks and Homosexuals here and they are taking over OUR country! Those people are just poisoning America with their kinds of "cultures" Can't they see how everything would be better if they just went back to their own countries! Go on back to Mexico, Africa, Iraq and Queerville (LOL queerville Jasper would love that one). Hell I'll pay to ship you back myself! Anyway I was so shocked by what I had seen that I just sat there in my pickup in pure disgust. I watched her fawn over him and him over her. She acted like she was so happy when he opened the door for her and he acted so proud as he hugged and kissed their kids. I mean how could they be so giddy about race mixing?! Didn't their parents teach them any better?! Guess not!

  They seemed almost excited that they were contributing to the destruction of the country my ancestors fought so hard to take I mean make! And those people as well as many others are the main reason why America is no longer a place for real Americans! As they drove away I felt my stomach turn because it was hard to watch the demise of one of our women who had clearly been brainwashed and was confused but hey if she wants to be with a colored AND have his kids obviously she doesn't deserve to be one of us anymore, so I say, good riddance! Now I know that sounds harsh but hey God didn't give us all different skin colors, various sexual orientations or separate religions so we could all just get alone and be happy! You know walking around singing "kumbaya" like those Nigger I mean Afro-American spirituals. It's tragic but hey that's their decision I guess. See I try not to judge people based on their choices or preferences but it just makes me so mad when those queers have their gay rallies and ask for marriage rights. I get furious when them Arabs are allowed to walk around freely with their terrorists bomb-hiding head covers. Makes me want to grab my rifles when I hear all these foreigners speaking their languages that ain't American on AMERICAN soil! Times have sure changed for the WORST. Now everyone else acts like these people are American but they ain't real Americans like I am. I remember my grand pappy telling me about the good ole days when our people lived in this country without having to deal the mixing of races, gayness, or terrorists that today's generations have to suffer with. I would love listening to him talk about how he was a proud American and every where he went he was respected. Now he would roll over twice in his grave if he say how this land of the free has fallen. Hell a black man was elected president of the United States Of America, not once but TWICE! He lives in the white house with his black wife AND their black daughters...LIVES IN THE WHITE HOUSE! Think about that for a minute. The leader of the free world, of my America is a black Muslim! When the true American can to this land all those years ago it was truly beautiful. But know she has been descrated. America was supposed to be a country where people like me had the right to live a good life, have equal liberties and enjoy the pursuit of happiness! But dammit it's not anymore! We need to take America back we need to keep America...AMERICAN!

Sincerely,
A Proud Red Blooded American Citizen


"You are either the greatest contributor...or the greatest threat to your own happiness." - TWIL

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

THANKFUL OUR First Child Was A GIRL Instead of A BOY



   My wife said something to me the other day as we were talking about the possibility of going half on another heir and it put me in a weird place. It wasn't so much what she said but the absolute truth of the words she spoke with. She said she hopes we have another girl because she believed that I would treat our son very different from the way I would his sister(s). I got pissed at first because I took her comments to mean that she thought I would be a bad father to our son. But after I thought about what she said I realized I was mad because she was 100% correct and I wasn't ready to hear it. I would hold my son to a much more difficult standard and in a different regard than I would his female siblings. Was the change in my parenting so obvious that my lady was actually hoping for another baby girl instead of a boy to protect him from me?! As most men do when they are confronted by truths they don't want to accept, I responded with denial and then I threw a tantrum. She continued, telling me to think about how different I treated my nephews from my nieces. And as my wife LOVES to do (and what most wives enjoy doing) when she knows she has the upper hand she began hammering me with her supporting evidence until I had no choice but to surrender and sing her praises. I had to backtrack and tell her how exceptionally beautiful and intelligent she was in order for her to just leave me be hahahahaha.

   Now as much as I prided myself on being the super-cool uncle I realized there was a major flaw in my mindset. I was always more strict on my nephews and their consequences were always more severe than those faced by their sisters. Even when they would complain about the unfairness I would tell them to suck it up and stop whining. If they got hurt I would tell them to stop crying like a baby and "man-up". If they didn't want to play sports outside I would make them play and run the score up until they ran in the house crying. I always put my nephews in charge and made them the ones responsible when a mess or accident occurred. Even now as my oldest nephew is in the Marines and an 18 year old young man I still randomly text or call him just to remind him that I can still take him just in case he ever thinks I can't. I realized that this tough guy complex was only applied to him and my other nephews and younger male cousins. And as my wife gave other examples I understood what she was saying. Our son would have to try so much harder to earn my trust and gain my approval than our daughter(s) would. I was upset because my wife had exposed me for the parental hypocrite that I would undoubtedly become if we were to welcome a baby boy into our lives.

   So in hindsight I believe it was the good Lord's design that our first born was a girl. Folks say you learn so much from your first child and that knowledge allows you to become better prepared for the siblings that may follow. I agree with that to a certain degree because I do believe parenting becomes more familiar but being better prepared I don't know because every child is different. So similar tactics and methods that worked with the first child may not yield the same expected results with the second, third and so on. We have a good number of friends that have multiple children both mixed and all one gender and the one thing that I do notice is that the oldest child regardless of sex is always treated differently (not badly just different) from the younger siblings. But again I think that is all dictated by the parenting style and the child(ren's) demeanor. For me though, from the first time I saw her face and heard her heartbeat I have never regretted nor did I long for a son. Because in all truth everything that I would do with my baby boy I happily do now with our little girl and I actually prefer it that way. The stress of teaching a boy how to be a good man is much more difficult when compared to raising a girl to recognize the qualities that a good man should have and how a good man should treat her.

   Haven and I watch and play sports together. We wrestle and fart out loud and laugh at the same silly things. We tag-team her momma just to annoy her for laughs. We have crazy  fun and it's not based on doing gender specific things. I have taught her how to use a hammer and what a screwdriver is. I am her best customer when she opens her beauty shop. We have tea parties and watch superhero movies. We play in her Tinkerbell tent and have wicked light-saber battles. There aren't certain things we do just because she is a girl and there is nothing we can't do because she is not a boy. When she falls down and scraps her knee I don't baby her because she is a little girl. I wipe her tears and tell her to pick herself up because that's how I would treat my son too because I want her to be strong and learn how to deal with pain and disappointment. Now sometimes I do let her get away with stuff that I probably wouldn't let my son slide on (per Crystal more so than I think). I will at times take the heat for her with her mother so she won't get in trouble but I think that is more because she is the only child and I like to think I would do the same for my son but I would definitely give him a little more grief about it.  

   The reality of co-raising a young child has by all means NOT been a cake walk but I do think it has been easier because she is a girl. Our daughter can be exceptionally worrisome and severely aggravating at times but for the majority she is a well mannered and respectful child. Sure we deal with the smart mouth and the attitudes but it all boils down rather quickly. When she gets out of line with either my wife or myself I will not hesitate to check her and punish her behavior if it warrants discipline. Now because I am a man many people might find all this rather odd. Why would a father prefer to co-raise a girl verses a boy? Well...its rather simple if you think about. Girls are less trouble than boys, of course that is an opinion based entirely on my own experiences. But I have a far more personal answer to that question and it revolves around leaving a legacy. Women possess the cradle of life and our grandchildren will enter into this world because of the shared love that their grandma and grandpa had that culminated in their mother's creation. Of course I will have to deal with situations that our daughter will encounter, ones that I am not looking forward to at all (growing boobs, periods, heartbreaks and girl drama) but I would rather deal with those than have another male in my house competing for my wife's time and affection...F THAT! I am not worried about having a son that will carry on my name. Hell, I didn't carry my father's I created my own! So I am more than OK passing the torch to our daughter. But make no mistake though, I am eternally grateful that my wife and our baby both survived the birthing process many years ago and remain healthy to this day. BUT if I can be honest I'm happy and so very thankful that our first born child was a baby girl instead of a baby boy! Besides I don't think the world needs another mini Tim Wilson running around, one is enough! And if you really know me you KNOW how true that previous statement really is HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.


"You are either the greatest threat...or the greatest contributor to your own happiness." - TWIL



Thursday, September 3, 2015

Do BLACK LIVES MATTER?!


   It was just the other day during a chance conversation with a friend at work about movies and music that made me want to listen to some classic Hip Hop. So on my ride home I popped in Nas' It Was Written and zoned out. It was a surreal moment because even though I have listened to that album many times over the past couple of years I never paid much attention to the opening lines of that album where Nas boldly declares, "There ain't no place for black folks here no more." That line never registered with me until I connected it to the early conversation about the Straight Out of Compton film. During a scene where the group is being questioned about their album content Ice Cube's responds to a reporter's attempt to negatively portray the music of N.W.A. with the remark that "Our art is a reflection of our reality!"

   His words were true because music has always been a way for folks of all cultures and backgrounds to express their feelings and beliefs. It is a timeless and true platform because it has the power to speak on topics and situations that might otherwise be ignored or minimized in other forms of media. As N.W.A., Nas, and many other artists did years ago and many continue to do today, they used the music to share the realities of their surroundings and conditions. Through the music they became the voices of those that had been characterized as unimportant and unworthy. Now you may ask how does Hip Hop and Rap music that is often criticized for perpetuating violence, drug use and the sexual objectification of women relate to what is seemingly a growing epidemic of deadly occurrences between police officers and citizens...its rather simple really, the music then as it is doing now is still reflecting reality. Especially in recent times it seems Tupac Shakur was right when he said back in 1998, "Cops don't give a damn about a Negro, pull a trigger kill a nigger he's a hero."

   Even though these not-so-random events are receiving more attention due to the immediate access that social media provides they are not considered to represent the normal interaction. But for many it has become a grim reality but for many others these events are just news broadcast and social site topics that can be turned off and scrolled past. So depending on your point of reference the seemingly lack of respect for black lives may not matter much to you and then on the other hand respecting black lives may mean everything to you! For those that are not familiar, the "Black Lives Matter" Movement is a civil campaign that has been gaining steady publicity across the globe due to the many instances of black and brown citizens dying at the hands of beige police officers and those persons claiming to stand their ground in the mist of perceived threats. It is a dire social issue that is deserving of attention and positive actions not a cool hash tag or a hot trending topic. The relationships between brown and beige persons are again in the public eye much like they were during the civil rights movements of the 1960's but with a year 2000 generational twist.

   Again I want you to be mindful that is our experiences in life that play a substantial role in how we view ourselves, others and situations so don't fret if you know nothing about the Black Lives Matter movement, I will do my best to educate you. For example if you live in a neighborhood where the police are seen as civil servants that you call on for help you might be lead to believe that the Black Lives Matter "situation" is creating hostile racial tension where there is none. Yet on the other hand if you reside in a neighborhood where the only visual you see of police is when they are employing "random" stop-in-frisk searches or standing over bodies of slain citizens that reportedly had their hands up moments prior to receiving eight warning shots then you too may be lead to believe that the Black Lives Matter groups are bringing much needed attention to situations that have been long ignored by the mass media.

   Many times when issues that involve race are discussed unfortunately the labels and accusations of racism and being a racist can quickly follow. But again depending on the experiences one has had in their lives their views may be different and different does not always equate to racial bigotry but sometimes unfortunately it does. But can we all be honest with each other for a moment. The movement of Black Lives Matter was born out of the same reactions and necessities that jump-started the Civil Rights movement. In the United States of America race relations have never been all roses and smiles due to the founding of this "great" nation. A nation that was built on the rapes, thefts, enslavement and deaths of 100's of millions Native Indians and Africans by European colonists. So to act as if Racism isn't so deeply interwoven into American culture is irresponsible and dangerous. The history and current state of race relations in the US can be summed perfectly in a single yet powerful quote..."Racism is not a stain on the American fabric...IT IS the American fabric."

   In a country where generations of citizens are still referred to as minorities and the racial divide is so clear and promoted that on every major form you are forced to classify yourself as either being a American aka "white" majority or a hyphenated part of the minority (Asian-American, African-American, Hispanic-American etc.) Even in the year 2015 folks are fighting to keep the Confederacy flag (a symbol of the destructive and divisive American Civil War) flying high at State Capitol buildings in the name of recognizing a heritage, a heritage that celebrates a time when the nation was divided along racial ideologies. Just imagine how quickly that flag would have came down or not been raised at all if it was a banner honoring the devastation and loss of life during the World Trade attacks of 1993 and 2011 or a flag paying tribute to the Nazis during the time of the holocaust was displayed at a federal building!

   The fact is especially in the United States of America, the value of black and brown lives for the past 500+ years has been considered exceptionally low so much that for centuries black and brown citizens were treated as insignificant property. Even the suggestion that when unarmed brown citizens are beaten and or killed by a cop or armed wanna be, they some how deserved it and its not a big deal since blacks kill blacks (as if to imply that whites don't kill whites) is disturbing. That line of thinking insinuates that black and brown lives are somehow less valuable than their beige counterparts and their mistreatment and deaths are acceptable which is in itself completely unacceptable. But again everything is relative to our perceived realities. Now I am not calling for aggression or mistrust against police officers because there are more GREAT officers that sacrifice everyday to protect and serve (TO THE COURAGEOUS AND NON-CORRUPTED MEN AND WOMEN OF THE BADGE THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!) than those that abuse their sworn duties. I am just asking those with experiences or views that have led them to believe that racism doesn't exist, there is no issue and black and brown people should just get over it, I implore you to look at these situations from a different perspective.

   As a young brown man who was been told all his life to stay out of trouble because I wouldn't be afforded the same luxuries or benefits that persons with a lighter hue would be given, I have lived as a "model" citizen out of fear. Because even living right comes with inherited risks because every day I leave my home I can still be a justified victim of racial profiling. Viewed as a menacing threat which could lead to me possibly being laid out in the street in handcuffs or covered with a sheet surrounded by the screams and cries of my wife and daughter just because I was born and live daily in a beautiful brown skin tone. I remember years back crafting a paper in college on which I wrote on the topic of Race in America. My point of topic was to answer the question..."How can I have faith in a justice system and country that barely 50 years ago viewed me only as property that wasn't worth having basic human rights?".  It's sad that today I still have to ask that question. Now I don't know what is like to live as a woman or a beige person so I cannot give testimony to either but I do know what it's like to live labeled as a black man. I am made aware of the color of my skin every day by the media, by coworkers snide race jokes or remarks, on the streets and in the history books. In all honesty I'm tired of the daily constant reminders of what color my skin is.

   During the height of the protests in Ferguson and New York, I remember reading the following in an article. I remember thinking that it was very accurate and profound. "As a white person, until your skin turns black or brown, you will always have guaranteed privileges and freedoms, which in your case includes the privilege of ignoring the fact that you have them. If you deny this fact, it's only because you don't want to acknowledge the advantages you have as a white person over someone whose pigment is darker. Ask the police who they're going to harass more - poor blacks or poor whites. Ask bank lenders who they deem as more trust worthy black or white consumers. Ask employers who they are more likely to hire black felons or white felons looking to be given a second chance. That is your privilege. The privilege of being born with the complexion of protection and promise." That may seem harsh to some but there is so much truth in the statement that it cannot be denied or ignored.

   Now I want to stress again, that the point of this chapter is not to bash beige and peachy (my daughter's word) folks OR excuse black and brown folks, the purpose is to help you open your eyes to the inherited benefits and difference of consequences that are afforded or withheld from you all because of the beautiful brown or beige hue you're in. So the question still remains...do black lives matter? The answer is a thundering YES! Absolutely they do! Just like ALL THE LIVES OF ALL PERSONS OF VARIOUS HUES MATTER! But the reality of the truth is that black lives only matter to a certain few of the "majority" vs the mass of the "minority". But we can change that and in time racial harmony can be a reality. But until our experiences in life unite us instead of dividing us, there will continue to be movements such as the Black Lives Matter campaign. Movements that push for equality of living regardless of race, religion, gender or sexual preference will continue to occur because as Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. once spoke, "A riot...is the language of the unheard."


"You are either the greatest contributor...or the greatest threat to your own happiness." - TWIL