When a WOMAN ABUSES a MAN

I was out and about the other day and decided to enjoy some free time in one of the parks in my neighborhood. It was one of those nice days when the sun was shinning brightly not too hot with a cool breeze blowing. I found a good spot on a shaded bench and just relaxed soaking up the atmosphere. I could hear the kids playing on the swings and slides and watched owners playing fetch with their dogs. It was a beautiful day to be outside and I was doing my best to enjoy it. As I allowed myself a moment to be immersed in the good feelings I was experiencing, loud voices suddenly boomed out from across the relatively peaceful scene. I let my ears guide me until my eyes spotted the source of the chaotic disruption. In the not-too-far distance I see a couple engaged in an obviously heated and tense exchange. I tried to go back to minding my own business because I know how things can get between folks involved together in a relationship. I did my best but I could not ignore what my ears were being bombarded with nor deny what my eyes were witnessing. It was clear from the body language of both participants that their conversation was increasingly growing out of control. I began to fear what their disagreement could quickly escalate into. So I got out my phone, ready to call the police in case their personal issue became a public display of uncontrolled anger. As the man's voice continued to rise I could feel the unbridled fury in his words. The woman started to back away from him because it is clear that she knew what was about to follow. As she tried to turn and walk away he grabbed her by her hair then violently hurled her against a nearby tree.

   At this point I have seen far too much to continue just observing. I start running towards him yelling "WHAT THE FUCK BRUH?! LEAVE HER ALONE!!!" My reaction causes the other witnesses to go from being whispering and pointing bystanders to immediate interveners. Before I got close enough to prevent it he was launching multiple rounds of vicious punches into the lady's much smaller body. I watch helplessly from the decreasing distance as she crumbles into the grass in a heap. As he readies to kick her in the face and inflict maximum damage he is dragged away from over top of her, still yelling curse words and spewing threats, by the other male members of the growing crowd of witnesses. I finally reach the young woman's side and with the help of another female witness help her to her feet. To my shock she isn't crying or even wincing from the pain of the brutal beating she just suffered. The woman next to me immediately begins dialing 9-1-1 but she is stopped when the young lady puts her hand over the phone keypad. She looks up at us and as her face and neck begin to swell and bruise showing the signs of the assault she softly says, "Please...please don't call the police. I shouldn't have made him mad. Thank you for help...but please don't call them, I'm fine." I stand there staring at her, incredulous to what I just heard her say.

   Instinctively I try to reason with her, thinking the trauma is overriding her common sense, I stress that she needs medical attention and that his punk ass needs to be arrested. As we both plead to her to allow us to help her, two small children come running up to her side. The older of the two school age children, a girl asks, "Mommy are you OK?! Did daddy hurt you again?!". I freeze, paralized with the confirmed fear that children had witnessed the brutal scene. And not only random kids but the children of the victim. Thinking to myself how in the hell is this situation not enough of a motivator for her to get help?! I continue trying to persuade her to change her mind about alerting the police using the most obvious of logic. I want to say to her not only were you just beat up, in public, by your children's father but he beat you in front of your babies! I stand there dumb founded as she and the kids ignore us and walk over to where the father is still being restrained but relatively calmer than what he was moments ago. The crowd stands among hushed whispering in a dazed confusion as police cars finally come onto the scene. We all stand there not dispersing just watching. Individually and collectively trying to make sense of how a potentially deadly scene has morphed into this now seemingly picture perfect view of a loving couple with their kids. The sad thing is that we all are thinking the exact same thing. She won't press charges. She won't remove herself and her children from this living nightmare. She won't accept that the danger they are all currently living in is REAL.

   That's some heartbreaking shit right there huh?! Well thankfully this is merely a fictional account however it is also a very real representation of a very real issue that is privately and publicly destroying numerous families and lives EVERY DAY. Many times the participants and their family and friends are powerless to help change the matter. And more times than not it is the male who is the instigator and aggressor in these situations. When a woman is being abused verbally and especially physically she is most likely to be offered assistance and a way out if she has the courage and the means to do so. But rarely if ever do we openly and seriously discuss options and ways to help MEN who are victims of domestic verbal and physical abuse. Take the above story for example. Honestly how many of you would have found the exchange humorous if the woman was the agitator? How many times have you been out in public alone or with others and watched a woman berate a man even slap him upside the head or punch him in the back? Did you laugh to yourself or out loud?! Did you think, "man he is a punk" or worse "damn, what did he do to pissed her off like that!". If you were to see a woman beating on her man, witness him cowering away from her showing signs of genuine fear how many of you would speak up and step in?! How many of US would stop a woman from going off and assaulting a man?

   Well if we are to be truthfully with ourselves and each other, many of us would write off the incidence as random entertainment or just a case of a man simply "getting what he deserves." Not pointing fingers or trying to redirect attention from the terrible trend of male on female abuse BUT I'm trying to get you to acknowledge and help address the other side of that coin. I too at a time didn't not believe or rather take seriously that males could be victims. Years ago I ignored the violent tendencies that a good friend of mine described that his girlfriend was exhibiting and subjecting him too. Every time he would tell me about her slashing his tires, throwing full glasses at his head or coming to his job and cussing him out I would just laugh at his misery. I would constantly dismiss him, telling him that's what he gets for being a dumb-ass who chooses to keep dealing with "crazy bitches". Neither me nor our circle of friends and family realized the true danger he was living with. We stood by and teased him instead of advising him to exit the relationship he was in. We didn't have the foresight to empathize with his reality of being with someone who was both verbally and physically abusive. Both he and the rest of us found the situations to be pure comedy...until the night he ended up in the Emergency Room.

   They had gotten into another argument and she went off as usual. However this "fight" ended with her inflicting multiple deep cuts on his hands, arms and face and eventually leaving him slumped against the fridge bloodied and alone with a knife jammed into his shoulder! Thankfully he survived without permanent physical damage but to say she left an ever lasting impression on him is a gross understatement. His dance with danger changed how we all dealt with our significant others and how it altered our view of what abuse really was. There is a quote by Ms. Maya Angelou that says, "when people show you who they are are believe them the first time!" So know when we met women or men that are overly clingy, aggressive or shows clear signs of them being "crazy and deranged" we know what it can lead to and we make the move to stop it before it starts. Many times because of the roles society has bestowed on men, we feel obligated to tolerate and endure abuse from our mothers, girlfriends, wives and or children's mother because we are supposedly mentally and physically stronger and "can take it". But just as we (both women and men) would be quick even adamant about our sister, mother, best friend or even co-worker who was a woman to "get the hell out" we should be as encouraging, supportive and believing of our brothers, fathers and male friends who are being subjected to violence and degradation. When a man hits a woman society deems that there is no excuse valid enough to defend the reason...the same standard should apply when a WOMAN ABUSES a MAN!

"You are either the greatest contributor...or the greatest threat to your own happiness." - TWIL

LOVE LETTER TO MY EX-WIFE

Dear ... 

   I know receiving this letter after so many years may seem like I am deliberately going out of my way to reopen healed wounds and throw around accusations but hear me out because it is far from that. This letter is more of an acknowledgement statement. The way things ended between us and how they are now needs to be addressed so please allow me just a couple of paragraphs to do that. When we started out we were both young and headstrong so we were blessed to be able to grow together in the same direction. For much of our relationship we both reaped the benefits of supporting each other's dreams and catering to our desires. When our kids entered the picture things went from good to great, so it's safe to say that was a true bright spot of our union. So let me say this before I get lost in my thoughts. I will ALWAYS be in your debt from bringing our children into this world and helping to raise and guide them into the strong successful persons that they are now. But for us, I think somewhere along the progression of life we forgot WHY we were together, failed to remember WHY we fell in love with each other. Even though I have never felt that the lost of love was why we slowly began to deteriorate I do believe complacency and false expectations helped to destroy us.

  I also want to apologize for initiating this. The look in your eyes and the tears on your cheeks almost killed me but I believed we owed it to each to try to be happy apart since we could no longer be happy together. Maybe if we both fought just a little harder for each other, our combined determination would have been enough. But as we learned the hard way, in a marriage, time always makes sure that the "maybes" are never enough. It's a trip because as I prepare to add my own initials to the papers that I gave you I can't help but reflect on HOW we got to this point. Now looking back over all the great times we shared I can see now that it was those moments that overshadowed the growing issues that would later divide us. I believe now not addressing those situations then caused us to miss the vital opportunities we needed to strengthen our marriage. I can't speak for you but I truly believe I took you for granted. I tried to carry the load alone instead of trusting you to do your part. In doing so I felt like many times you didn't appreciate me. I focused so much time and effort into making you happy that I failed to see that other things were making you miserable. I made the mistake of believing that as long as I supplied your needs it would lessen the impact of the pains I caused. I didn't listen to the cries of your heart.

   I see the error of my logic now, it's cliche I know, too little far too late. I want you to know that I came by the house the other day with the intention of saying these thoughts to you but I froze on the porch. I stood in front of the door we had picked out together all those years ago trying to will myself to knock. I wanted to hug you tightly, kiss your face, tell you I missed you and I loved you. I went there foolishly thinking that maybe if we shared one last embrace it would wipe away all the strife and pettiness we subjected each other to over the course of this process. But instead I decided against it because I didn't want to make this any more stressful or seem confrontational so I left solemnly. I came back to my house and began to pen this letter. It wasn't until I took time to put my thoughts on paper instead of speaking off the cuff in anger and in hurt that I gained a better understanding and acceptance of the why. Even though I do regret that we never made it to forever as we often said we would I am thankful that I got to experience, for more better than worse, thirty two wonderful years with you. Because despite that we will no longer be husband and wife I will always love you. I will forever cherish the memories we created and I am proud of the family and life we built together. 

With love,
...


"You are either the greatest contributor...or the greatest threat to your own happiness." - TWIL

Keep America..."AMERICAN"

*disclaimer* - this chapter contains provocative speech and views many SHOULD find offensive. It is just a fabricated story that does not reflect my thoughts, in fact they are intentionally opposite of my own personal beliefs. They are used in this medium only with the intent to force you to THINK.
 

Dear America,  

   I've been wanting to do this for some time and I figured with America the way it is now, it was as a good time as any to share my thoughts. Maybe they will reach other like minded folks and we can start a revolution together to take our country back before it's too late. But before I do I would first like to say that I am in no way form or fashion a racist, or generally a hateful person. In fact I actually have a sister-in-law who has a cousin who is friends with a man that is married to a black woman. And also I work in a factory with all different sorts of people who aren't white or true Americans. So before you label me as a bigot for what you are about to read remember that. I was born, raised and still live in what many folks consider the deep south so a lot of my experiences stem from my southern roots so when I wear my confederate gear it is a celebration of my heritage and I will never apologize for being proud of it. Let me first start off by saying I think it's alright for Blacks and Latinos to eat in the same restaurants with us. Shoot I like fried chicken and tacos too! I don't mind them gays integrating our schools and hell if those towel heads wanted to become real Christians I would welcome them inside our churches as well. But I draw the line when it comes to the mingling of the races. I tell ya I saw something the other day at Bubba's quick mart that almost made me swallow my tobacco chew! A white woman, AND a black man TOGETHER with their MIXED kids. I couldn't believe my eyes, one of their Mulatto abominations almost touched me when I was standing at the checkout counter! Talk about having a panic attack! But anyway back to my point.

   Now-a-days people think it's socially correct to accept other races as equal, hell the media even tells tries to tell us that homosexuals and even Muslims aren't a threat to our way of life. They call it being tolerant I just call it being stupid but that's them. I wasn't raised to be so naive. My biggest gripe is why on God's green earth would someone want to date, marry or even worse have children with someone of a different race from their own?! People should stick to their own kind! Looking at that woman I just couldn't understand why she would want to pollute her pure blood with his and create mixed babies. There is already enough wrong in this world, why would she intentional add to it! I mean take it from me, it's hard enough just being white in this country why make things harder on us by becoming a race traitor? America used to be perfect! But ever since Abraham Lincoln and that Martin Luther King fella started with all that "equal rights for all" nonsense America has been going down the toilet fast. Those boys and others lowered their guards due to public opinion. Years ago those clowns relaxed and opened up our borders so it could be invaded. I mean we took this country from the Natives we made it better but now we have all the Latinos, Arabs, Blacks and Homosexuals here and they are taking over OUR country! Those people are just poisoning America with their kinds of "cultures" Can't they see how everything would be better if they just went back to their own countries! Go on back to Mexico, Africa, Iraq and Queerville (LOL queerville Jasper would love that one). Hell I'll pay to ship you back myself! Anyway I was so shocked by what I had seen that I just sat there in my pickup in pure disgust. I watched her fawn over him and him over her. She acted like she was so happy when he opened the door for her and he acted so proud as he hugged and kissed their kids. I mean how could they be so giddy about race mixing?! Didn't their parents teach them any better?! Guess not!

  They seemed almost excited that they were contributing to the destruction of the country my ancestors fought so hard to take I mean make! And those people as well as many others are the main reason why America is no longer a place for real Americans! As they drove away I felt my stomach turn because it was hard to watch the demise of one of our women who had clearly been brainwashed and was confused but hey if she wants to be with a colored AND have his kids obviously she doesn't deserve to be one of us anymore, so I say, good riddance! Now I know that sounds harsh but hey God didn't give us all different skin colors, various sexual orientations or separate religions so we could all just get alone and be happy! You know walking around singing "kumbaya" like those Nigger I mean Afro-American spirituals. It's tragic but hey that's their decision I guess. See I try not to judge people based on their choices or preferences but it just makes me so mad when those queers have their gay rallies and ask for marriage rights. I get furious when them Arabs are allowed to walk around freely with their terrorists bomb-hiding head covers. Makes me want to grab my rifles when I hear all these foreigners speaking their languages that ain't American on AMERICAN soil! Times have sure changed for the WORST. Now everyone else acts like these people are American but they ain't real Americans like I am. I remember my grand pappy telling me about the good ole days when our people lived in this country without having to deal the mixing of races, gayness, or terrorists that today's generations have to suffer with. I would love listening to him talk about how he was a proud American and every where he went he was respected. Now he would roll over twice in his grave if he say how this land of the free has fallen. Hell a black man was elected president of the United States Of America, not once but TWICE! He lives in the white house with his black wife AND their black daughters...LIVES IN THE WHITE HOUSE! Think about that for a minute. The leader of the free world, of my America is a black Muslim! When the true American can to this land all those years ago it was truly beautiful. But know she has been descrated. America was supposed to be a country where people like me had the right to live a good life, have equal liberties and enjoy the pursuit of happiness! But dammit it's not anymore! We need to take America back we need to keep America...AMERICAN!

Sincerely,
A Proud Red Blooded American Citizen


"You are either the greatest contributor...or the greatest threat to your own happiness." - TWIL

THANKFUL OUR First Child Was A GIRL Instead of A BOY

   My wife said something to me the other day as we were talking about the possibility of going half on another heir and it put me in a weird place. It wasn't so much what she said but the absolute truth of the words she spoke with. She said she hopes we have another girl because she believed that I would treat our son very different from the way I would his sister(s). I got pissed at first because I took her comments to mean that she thought I would be a bad father to our son. But after I thought about what she said I realized I was mad because she was 100% correct and I wasn't ready to hear it. I would hold my son to a much more difficult standard and in a different regard than I would his female siblings. Was the change in my parenting so obvious that my lady was actually hoping for another baby girl instead of a boy to protect him from me?! As most men do when they are confronted by truths they don't want to accept, I responded with denial and then I threw a tantrum. She continued, telling me to think about how different I treated my nephews from my nieces. And as my wife LOVES to do (and what most wives enjoy doing) when she knows she has the upper hand she began hammering me with her supporting evidence until I had no choice but to surrender and sing her praises. I had to backtrack and tell her how exceptionally beautiful and intelligent she was in order for her to just leave me be hahahahaha.

   Now as much as I prided myself on being the super-cool uncle I realized there was a major flaw in my mindset. I was always more strict on my nephews and their consequences were always more severe than those faced by their sisters. Even when they would complain about the unfairness I would tell them to suck it up and stop whining. If they got hurt I would tell them to stop crying like a baby and "man-up". If they didn't want to play sports outside I would make them play and run the score up until they ran in the house crying. I always put my nephews in charge and made them the ones responsible when a mess or accident occurred. Even now as my oldest nephew is in the Marines and an 18 year old young man I still randomly text or call him just to remind him that I can still take him just in case he ever thinks I can't. I realized that this tough guy complex was only applied to him and my other nephews and younger male cousins. And as my wife gave other examples I understood what she was saying. Our son would have to try so much harder to earn my trust and gain my approval than our daughter(s) would. I was upset because my wife had exposed me for the parental hypocrite that I would undoubtedly become if we were to welcome a baby boy into our lives.

   So in hindsight I believe it was the good Lord's design that our first born was a girl. Folks say you learn so much from your first child and that knowledge allows you to become better prepared for the siblings that may follow. I agree with that to a certain degree because I do believe parenting becomes more familiar but being better prepared I don't know because every child is different. So similar tactics and methods that worked with the first child may not yield the same expected results with the second, third and so on. We have a good number of friends that have multiple children both mixed and all one gender and the one thing that I do notice is that the oldest child regardless of sex is always treated differently (not badly just different) from the younger siblings. But again I think that is all dictated by the parenting style and the child(ren's) demeanor. For me though, from the first time I saw her face and heard her heartbeat I have never regretted nor did I long for a son. Because in all truth everything that I would do with my baby boy I happily do now with our little girl and I actually prefer it that way. The stress of teaching a boy how to be a good man is much more difficult when compared to raising a girl to recognize the qualities that a good man should have and how a good man should treat her.

   Haven and I watch and play sports together. We wrestle and fart out loud and laugh at the same silly things. We tag-team her momma just to annoy her for laughs. We have crazy  fun and it's not based on doing gender specific things. I have taught her how to use a hammer and what a screwdriver is. I am her best customer when she opens her beauty shop. We have tea parties and watch superhero movies. We play in her Tinkerbell tent and have wicked light-saber battles. There aren't certain things we do just because she is a girl and there is nothing we can't do because she is not a boy. When she falls down and scraps her knee I don't baby her because she is a little girl. I wipe her tears and tell her to pick herself up because that's how I would treat my son too because I want her to be strong and learn how to deal with pain and disappointment. Now sometimes I do let her get away with stuff that I probably wouldn't let my son slide on (per Crystal more so than I think). I will at times take the heat for her with her mother so she won't get in trouble but I think that is more because she is the only child and I like to think I would do the same for my son but I would definitely give him a little more grief about it.  

   The reality of co-raising a young child has by all means NOT been a cake walk but I do think it has been easier because she is a girl. Our daughter can be exceptionally worrisome and severely aggravating at times but for the majority she is a well mannered and respectful child. Sure we deal with the smart mouth and the attitudes but it all boils down rather quickly. When she gets out of line with either my wife or myself I will not hesitate to check her and punish her behavior if it warrants discipline. Now because I am a man many people might find all this rather odd. Why would a father prefer to co-raise a girl verses a boy? Well...its rather simple if you think about. Girls are less trouble than boys, of course that is an opinion based entirely on my own experiences. But I have a far more personal answer to that question and it revolves around leaving a legacy. Women possess the cradle of life and our grandchildren will enter into this world because of the shared love that their grandma and grandpa had that culminated in their mother's creation. Of course I will have to deal with situations that our daughter will encounter, ones that I am not looking forward to at all (growing boobs, periods, heartbreaks and girl drama) but I would rather deal with those than have another male in my house competing for my wife's time and affection...F THAT! I am not worried about having a son that will carry on my name. Hell, I didn't carry my father's I created my own! So I am more than OK passing the torch to our daughter. But make no mistake though, I am eternally grateful that my wife and our baby both survived the birthing process many years ago and remain healthy to this day. BUT if I can be honest I'm happy and so very thankful that our first born child was a baby girl instead of a baby boy! Besides I don't think the world needs another mini Tim Wilson running around, one is enough! And if you really know me you KNOW how true that previous statement really is HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.


"You are either the greatest threat...or the greatest contributor to your own happiness." - TWIL

Do BLACK LIVES MATTER?!

   It was just the other day during a chance conversation with a friend at work about movies and music that made me want to listen to some classic Hip Hop. So on my ride home I popped in Nas' It Was Written and zoned out. It was a surreal moment because even though I have listened to that album many times over the past couple of years I never paid much attention to the opening lines of that album where Nas boldly declares, "There ain't no place for black folks here no more." That line never registered with me until I connected it to the early conversation about the Straight Out of Compton film. During a scene where the group is being questioned about their album content Ice Cube's responds to a reporter's attempt to negatively portray the music of N.W.A. with the remark that "Our art is a reflection of our reality!"

   His words were true because music has always been a way for folks of all cultures and backgrounds to express their feelings and beliefs. It is a timeless and true platform because it has the power to speak on topics and situations that might otherwise be ignored or minimized in other forms of media. As N.W.A., Nas, and many other artists did years ago and many continue to do today, they used the music to share the realities of their surroundings and conditions. Through the music they became the voices of those that had been characterized as unimportant and unworthy. Now you may ask how does Hip Hop and Rap music that is often criticized for perpetuating violence, drug use and the sexual objectification of women relate to what is seemingly a growing epidemic of deadly occurrences between police officers and citizens...its rather simple really, the music then as it is doing now is still reflecting reality. Especially in recent times it seems Tupac Shakur was right when he said back in 1998, "Cops don't give a damn about a Negro, pull a trigger kill a nigger he's a hero."

   Even though these not-so-random events are receiving more attention due to the immediate access that social media provides they are not considered to represent the normal interaction. But for many it has become a grim reality but for many others these events are just news broadcast and social site topics that can be turned off and scrolled past. So depending on your point of reference the seemingly lack of respect for black lives may not matter much to you and then on the other hand respecting black lives may mean everything to you! For those that are not familiar, the "Black Lives Matter" Movement is a civil campaign that has been gaining steady publicity across the globe due to the many instances of black and brown citizens dying at the hands of beige police officers and those persons claiming to stand their ground in the mist of perceived threats. It is a dire social issue that is deserving of attention and positive actions not a cool hash tag or a hot trending topic. The relationships between brown and beige persons are again in the public eye much like they were during the civil rights movements of the 1960's but with a year 2000 generational twist.

   Again I want you to be mindful that is our experiences in life that play a substantial role in how we view ourselves, others and situations so don't fret if you know nothing about the Black Lives Matter movement, I will do my best to educate you. For example if you live in a neighborhood where the police are seen as civil servants that you call on for help you might be lead to believe that the Black Lives Matter "situation" is creating hostile racial tension where there is none. Yet on the other hand if you reside in a neighborhood where the only visual you see of police is when they are employing "random" stop-in-frisk searches or standing over bodies of slain citizens that reportedly had their hands up moments prior to receiving eight warning shots then you too may be lead to believe that the Black Lives Matter groups are bringing much needed attention to situations that have been long ignored by the mass media.

   Many times when issues that involve race are discussed unfortunately the labels and accusations of racism and being a racist can quickly follow. But again depending on the experiences one has had in their lives their views may be different and different does not always equate to racial bigotry but sometimes unfortunately it does. But can we all be honest with each other for a moment. The movement of Black Lives Matter was born out of the same reactions and necessities that jump-started the Civil Rights movement. In the United States of America race relations have never been all roses and smiles due to the founding of this "great" nation. A nation that was built on the rapes, thefts, enslavement and deaths of 100's of millions Native Indians and Africans by European colonists. So to act as if Racism isn't so deeply interwoven into American culture is irresponsible and dangerous. The history and current state of race relations in the US can be summed perfectly in a single yet powerful quote..."Racism is not a stain on the American fabric...IT IS the American fabric."

   In a country where generations of citizens are still referred to as minorities and the racial divide is so clear and promoted that on every major form you are forced to classify yourself as either being a American aka "white" majority or a hyphenated part of the minority (Asian-American, African-American, Hispanic-American etc.) Even in the year 2015 folks are fighting to keep the Confederacy flag (a symbol of the destructive and divisive American Civil War) flying high at State Capitol buildings in the name of recognizing a heritage, a heritage that celebrates a time when the nation was divided along racial ideologies. Just imagine how quickly that flag would have came down or not been raised at all if it was a banner honoring the devastation and loss of life during the World Trade attacks of 1993 and 2011 or a flag paying tribute to the Nazis during the time of the holocaust was displayed at a federal building!

   The fact is especially in the United States of America, the value of black and brown lives for the past 500+ years has been considered exceptionally low so much that for centuries black and brown citizens were treated as insignificant property. Even the suggestion that when unarmed brown citizens are beaten and or killed by a cop or armed wanna be, they some how deserved it and its not a big deal since blacks kill blacks (as if to imply that whites don't kill whites) is disturbing. That line of thinking insinuates that black and brown lives are somehow less valuable than their beige counterparts and their mistreatment and deaths are acceptable which is in itself completely unacceptable. But again everything is relative to our perceived realities. Now I am not calling for aggression or mistrust against police officers because there are more GREAT officers that sacrifice everyday to protect and serve (TO THE COURAGEOUS AND NON-CORRUPTED MEN AND WOMEN OF THE BADGE THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!) than those that abuse their sworn duties. I am just asking those with experiences or views that have led them to believe that racism doesn't exist, there is no issue and black and brown people should just get over it, I implore you to look at these situations from a different perspective.

   As a young brown man who was been told all his life to stay out of trouble because I wouldn't be afforded the same luxuries or benefits that persons with a lighter hue would be given, I have lived as a "model" citizen out of fear. Because even living right comes with inherited risks because every day I leave my home I can still be a justified victim of racial profiling. Viewed as a menacing threat which could lead to me possibly being laid out in the street in handcuffs or covered with a sheet surrounded by the screams and cries of my wife and daughter just because I was born and live daily in a beautiful brown skin tone. I remember years back crafting a paper in college on which I wrote on the topic of Race in America. My point of topic was to answer the question..."How can I have faith in a justice system and country that barely 50 years ago viewed me only as property that wasn't worth having basic human rights?".  It's sad that today I still have to ask that question. Now I don't know what is like to live as a woman or a beige person so I cannot give testimony to either but I do know what it's like to live labeled as a black man. I am made aware of the color of my skin every day by the media, by coworkers snide race jokes or remarks, on the streets and in the history books. In all honesty I'm tired of the daily constant reminders of what color my skin is.

   During the height of the protests in Ferguson and New York, I remember reading the following in an article. I remember thinking that it was very accurate and profound. "As a white person, until your skin turns black or brown, you will always have guaranteed privileges and freedoms, which in your case includes the privilege of ignoring the fact that you have them. If you deny this fact, it's only because you don't want to acknowledge the advantages you have as a white person over someone whose pigment is darker. Ask the police who they're going to harass more - poor blacks or poor whites. Ask bank lenders who they deem as more trust worthy black or white consumers. Ask employers who they are more likely to hire black felons or white felons looking to be given a second chance. That is your privilege. The privilege of being born with the complexion of protection and promise." That may seem harsh to some but there is so much truth in the statement that it cannot be denied or ignored.

   Now I want to stress again, that the point of this chapter is not to bash beige and peachy (my daughter's word) folks OR excuse black and brown folks, the purpose is to help you open your eyes to the inherited benefits and difference of consequences that are afforded or withheld from you all because of the beautiful brown or beige hue you're in. So the question still remains...do black lives matter? The answer is a thundering YES! Absolutely they do! Just like ALL THE LIVES OF ALL PERSONS OF VARIOUS HUES MATTER! But the reality of the truth is that black lives only matter to a certain few of the "majority" vs the mass of the "minority". But we can change that and in time racial harmony can be a reality. But until our experiences in life unite us instead of dividing us, there will continue to be movements such as the Black Lives Matter campaign. Movements that push for equality of living regardless of race, religion, gender or sexual preference will continue to occur because as Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. once spoke, "A riot...is the language of the unheard."


"You are either the greatest contributor...or the greatest threat to your own happiness." - TWIL

MY UGLY BEAUTY Of MARRIAGE & KIDS

   It's the morning after my wife and I have had a VERY intense exchange of words and feelings and I'm drained, I don't want to fight anymore. I would just like an opportunity to make today a better day than yesterday. Even though I know it would almost certainly help to de-escalate the previous night's melee, I don't want to be the one that apologizes first for their words and actions last night! Petty I know, don't judge. Laying in our bed alone thinking about the apology that I will undoubtedly be forced to make much sooner than later I remember I need to make peace with her so she will give me a piece of that sweet sweet pie baby, again don't judge me hahahahaha. As I turn over, my sleepy eyes connect with a pair of pretty eyes that are not my wife's. Staring back at me through those eyes is the young lady that owns the other half of my heart...our five year old daughter. She smiles at me and quietly says, "good morning daddy!" I sit up and smile back at her while pulling her up into the bed to sit beside me. I tell her "good morning baby" and ask her how she slept. She replies, "I slept OK, but you and momma woke me up. Why were you arguing last night?!" For a moment, I want to tell her we were just having a loud talk. But our baby girl is more like her mother than she knows. Already as perceptive as she is intelligent I know sugar-coating half truths or telling her outright lies would not benefit either of us so I decide against it.  But the reason for open honesty is I feel as our child she deserves to know the truth about what happens between her parents...both the bad and good.

The other fact is that I already have one woman in my home that I love pissed at me this morning so I why risk upsetting another. So as if I am revealing my private thoughts to my psychiatrist I tell her what we were arguing about the night before. As I speak she listens attentively as if she is making mental notes. When I finish speaking she stares at me for a moment to make sure I am finished talking. Then as if she is giving me the most obvious of answers to questions I never asked her, she says, "well daddy you know if you made mommy sad, you should say sorry to her. And if mommy made you sad she should say sorry to you!' She pauses and peers at me to make sure I am listening  then continues, "Daddy, you need to be nice to each other, because I don't like it when you and mommy argue." And just like that, I am the beneficiary of very wise words from the unlikeliest of sources. I smile and thank her for her advice and reward her youthful wisdom by unleashing the full power of the tickle monster. Her screams of laughter are so loud it gets the immediate attention of her protective older sister who comes running and barking into the room to verify her little human's cries are of fun and not pain. The tickle monster does its job which is to entertain us both but more importantly it takes her mind off the fight she overheard her parents having the night prior.

   Across the house, I hear her mother getting up in the room she slept in thanks to our spat. I quickly jump off the bed to cross her path before she can exit into the bathroom. I catch her right as she gets to the doorway and I "accidentally-on-purpose" bump into her. I use this intentionally random moment to gauge her attitude, a blatantly obvious move to see if she is still pissed with me about the night before. And like a good student before she can speak or respond to my blocking her way I repeat the advice my teacher, our daughter had given me minutes earlier. "We need to be nice to each other, because I don't like it when we argue.". I see the words slightly soften her hardened face and her defensive stance of her arms folded tight across her breasts loosen. Not wanting to waste the brief dropping of her guard I bear hug her tight, kiss her face and whisper into her ear, "You know how much I love you right?!". She turns her head, trying unsuccessfully to hide her smile while lightly pushing me away. I choose not to resist and instead release her. As she side steps me I see her wall has been breached, the frustration and anger she was feeling towards me seems to have dissipated. She tells me, "MOVE BOY!" as she slips past me. And then the magic happens. She sneakily turns around to see if I am watching her walk away and when she confirms that I am she rolls her eyes at me with the faintest of smiles on her beautiful face. The eye roll isn't one of disgust. It is her way of letting me know she has accepted my "apology". She knows, that I know, how much she hates when I make her smile when she wants to stay mad at me after we fight. But sometimes that's the best outcome of our conflicts, to recognize that despite how furious we get, we still love each other. Mission SUCCESS! Yes sir this morning will be much better than the night that preceded it.

   Ask any man that has been in a relationship with a woman for a number of years or a father of daughters and they will tell you many times they feel under-appreciated and disadvantaged when it comes to dealing with the females in their world. I am no different. I have had numerous moments where I feel my life would be better if I could just be a bachelor with no babies. How free could I be if I wasn't bearing the responsibility of the titles I earned. When my wife and daughter and dog for that matter have collectively managed to push every button I have, I react defensively sometimes harshly and unfairly. Not to make excuses but I do so because I am not very good at expressing my emotions immediately. Too many times I allow things to build up instead of addressing them in the moment. So when situations boil over it causes me to erupt! I immediately feel fed up from being bombarded by their natural yet to me irrational emotions, and confusing mood swings. In my head as their main protector, provider and THE MAIN MAN in their lives I shouldn't have to deal with THEIR daily bullshit even though I expect them to deal with MY OWN, ass backwards right? Yeah I know but it's complicated being a man hahahaha. One thing that I have learned from marriage and parenthood is to embrace the bad times. The challenging days will come and tough times will linger but the best response from me is to accept that sometimes I can change them and other times I have to deal with them in the best possible way.

   It has been in these moments when I fight with my lady or argue with my baby girl that have allowed me to fully experience the low lows and the high highs of being married and raising children. There is no manual or rule book for a man to follow when it comes to being a good husband, a good father or even a good man. So the best a man CAN do, is simply the best a man he can be. I had to realize that every moment with my ladies won't be picture perfect but it is time worth spending. More times than I care to recall I've cursed myself wondering why the hell I even decided to marry and have kids. Truth be told there are few jobs in a man's life that are as demanding, frustrating, stressful or as REWARDING as providing for and protecting his mate and offspring. But that is why as the man I make the choice to persevere! They are the "why" I always strive to be great! I am learning that it isn't a sign of weakness apologizing to my wife for hurting her feelings even when I don't believe I did something wrong. Or allowing our daughter to question me (respectfully of course) when I ask her to do something without hitting her with the "because I said so!" response all the time. I believe it is a mark of strength to recognize when to put my foot down but also when NOT TO FIGHT the battle and when to be a little softer and understanding. For those that know me well they can testify that I talk A LOT of shit about my perceived hardships of being a husband and father. But they can also witness to how exceptionally thankful I am for every day I get to spend with my family. Lord knows, they are not always easy to deal with (and on very rare days they may feel the same about me hahahaha) but my wife and daughter bring a measure of happiness into my life that is truly irreplaceable and I am grateful to them for that. And that folks is my version of the gospel truth...my ugly beauty of marriage and kids...and I regret nothing.


"You are either the greatest contributor...or the greatest threat to your own happiness." - TWIL

THE 80/20 RELATIONSHIP TRAP

   Now before you read this please take heed to this disclaimer...I AM NOT A LOVE EXPERT NOR AM I A THERAPIST, I've just been through some real shit and learned some great lessons because of them! I do not claim that this chapter will offer you great advice or guide you in the right directions when it comes to working out the issues between you and your significant other. It is simply a collection of my own thoughts and opinions. So now that you have been warned it is your choice to accept my randomness at your own risk or reward! Cool?! Good, let's proceed then. There is an old saying that speaks to the balance of courtship called the 80/20 rule. And it states..."in a relationship, you will only receive 80% of what you want/need from your partner and the other 20% that you desire can only be found in someone outside your relationship." Now let's look at the numbers of this equation 80 and 20. Simple math tells us that 80% is greater than 20% but also that 80% requires the missing 20% in order to become 100% or whole. So when we really break it down the 80/20 rule is basically telling us that while engaged in a relationship we will never be able to find happiness or have 100% of what we want in ONE partner. And that my friends is 100% true AND also 100% false. Wait, WHAT?! That's a double negative! How the hell can that be true and false?! Well keep reading and I will share my reasons why!

   The 80/20 logic is 100% TRUE in the sense that we will never receive 100% from our partner because as we age the things we realize we need to live a healthy and balanced life change. The people in our circles change. The activities that bring us joy change. Our desires, wants EVERYTHING CHANGES with time. So even though we spend majority of our days with someone else while in a relationship we are still growing individually. We either get old and mature or age and become immature either way WE CHANGE. And because we are constantly in these states of transformation it can be very difficult to establish exactly what we need from our partners to make us completely happy or 100%. The result of these changes gradually cause shifts in our behaviors. We begin to acquire a sense of entitlement, which leads us to feel that we should be free to make choices but not deal with the consequences that accompany them. We look at the 80% (sometimes more) that our partner is giving us and we get greedy. We start to ask ourselves, "Why can't I have more?! Why can't I have 100% of my needs met?" And it's this mind-set that allows our inner thoughts to manifest into real world situations that must now be addressed outside of our minds. We begin to find reasons to negate the value of our partners. We start to accuse them of not giving enough because we want more. We then forget how much 80% is of 100 and we allow the absence of the 20% (sometimes less) to consume us and drive us stupid. We take time away from appreciating what we already have and begin investing it into something we THINK we want but ultimately do not need. The sad reality is that many of us learn this only after we have sacrificed the 80 in order to have the 20. We failed to understand and appreciate how complete or close to being 100% happy that we already were.

   Now the other side of the scale and why the 80/20 principal is also 100% FALSE is because we DO NOT need to receive 80% from our partner to be satisfied and in a healthy fulfilling relationship. Have you ever been staring at your significant other and caught yourself saying in your head, "how the hell did I end up with this muthafucker?!" You start picking them apart in your head attempting to validate every single flaw they possess then right before you say something mean out loud they look up at you and smile. And their small gesture warms your heart so much it makes you want to jump on them and smother their face in your kisses. Or they make a face at you that makes you laugh so hard that it echoes deep down in your soul because after all these years you still can't understand why something so simple as one of their silly faces makes you feel so special. And it's moments like this and others that we experience everyday that make us remember why we love their ass so much despite having every flaw that seconds ago we were bitching about. That is why the 80/20 rule can be utter bullshit. Because when you have invested time, money, pain, joy, tears, laughter, good times and bad times into someone you love you do so because they have shown you that they have committed to investing the same into you. We accept that our partners are lacking in one form or another because we understand that NO ONE IS PERFECT. And that's not foolishness to love someone who isn't perfect. Who wants the stress of trying to keep a perfect person happy?! SHIIIT I know I don't HAHAHAHAHA. The truth is we accept their 20% (sometimes less) because in our hearts we know that the 80% (sometimes more) that we're bringing to the table is enough to balance everything out.

    The connections we have created and the deep love that we share is worth the sacrifice of petty percentages. So we stick with them because we would rather deal with their bullshit and know we are deeply loved than deal with someone elses and have to question their emotions and intentions! Time has shown us (and every other fucked up relationship we've survived) that if we have to give 80% and they can only muster 20% we cherish them anyway. We don't belittle them because they aren't matching our effort, we salute them because they are busting their ass to give all they have to keep us happy. We know that their 20% is genuine and we have experienced enough to know that their real 20% is more valuable than the faked 80% someone else may be offering. I guess I don't believe in the 80/20 rule because it is a setup. It is basically convincing us that in order for us to be happy and find happiness we need to look for it in others. I have always believed and do to this day that if a person is not happy in themselves they will never find joy in another person or in a relationship. So regardless if you are the 80 or the 20 you need to value yourself. Once you make it a priority to treasure yourself you will attract someone that sees your worth and then you will both create a relationship that isn't built on percentages but on devotion. So there are my random thoughts folks...my take on the 80/20 relationship trap...what's yours?
 
"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring the greatness out of those around them." - TWIL