CONFESSIONS OF A BAD FATHER

 

   If I can be honest for a moment I want to share something that I have only said to myself and to the Lord if he was listening...I NEVER wanted children. I never wanted to have any little person of any gender calling me daddy. It just wasn't in my plans. In fact it wasn't even in my genes. My dad and mom were both rolling stones. My pops split before I was born and my mom gave me up for adoption soon after dropping me. So the concept of being a family man was a foreign thing to me and since I never experienced what being a part of a family meant I had no desire to have one. Growing up in the foster care system because I moved from group home to group home made me hard. And as I got older I became colder until eventually I was emotionally closed off from people. My only concern in life was my own self-preservation and the only person I cared about was me. End of story. Fast forward a couple of decades and I find myself at a crossroads and it all began with a passing glance. I was standing at the counter paying for my items when I saw the most beautiful example of a woman that my eyes had ever focused on. Now I can't say it was love at first sight but it damn sure was lust at the earliest notice. She was the definition of perfection and I don't know if it was the curve of her hips or the bust of her breasts or the focused look on her face as she settled down at the back of the coffee shop to read her book but whatever she had that commanded my attention...made me desperately want more of it and her!

   So our courtship began with an introduction and a simple hello. The mental and physical attraction was intense and immediate for the both of us and that magnetic pull resulted in a GLORIOUS one night stand. Truth is I had never been in love or felt the immense longing to be with a woman or any other person for that matter like I felt with her but after spending the first of what would be many nights in her presence that was all it took for me to know that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. So five and a half years later we were married. For the first time in my life I had someone that loved me. For the first time in my life I had someone that I loved. And for the first in my life I was happy. Then one night about seven months into our marriage it all seemed to come crashing down. My lady walks up behind me while I was washing dishes, hugs my back while caressing my chest and kisses my neck which was the unspoken signal that it was time to play! As I turn to face her she looks me deep in the eyes and she kisses my face. She leans up to my ear and gently whispers the words that I knew might one day come but desperately dreaded..."I want to have your baby." To any other man that would have possibly been the greatest thing he could hear from the woman he loved and cherished. But to me it was the equivalent to being betrayed by the closest friend, like finding out that Jesus was partners with Satan. Time passed and I did all I could to sabotage my wife's desire to be a mother and to prevent my entry into fatherhood. I did everything short of getting a vasectomy but as life always does it found a way.

   That day eventually came two years later in the form of a positive pregnancy test. My wife was beyond elated while I was severely deflated. But because I deeply loved her I put on my best face when I accompanied her to her ultrasounds. I smiled my best smile when she asked me to feel the babies' kick. I kept my voice filled with joy when we discussed the future arrival of our kids. Even with all the disappointment in my heart about having a family I actually held out hope that watching my twin girls come into this world would be the catalyst that would change my feelings about being a father. But their arrival did little to sway me. It actually made me despise the idea of being a father even more. I resented them the moment they were in my arms as I watched them open their eyes and listened to them breathe their first breathes. I hated them for what they had done to my perfect little life. I hated how much my wife and everyone else always talked about them. I hated rocking them to sleep and wiping shit off their butts ever fucking hour. I hated EVERY moment of every single day of being a father. I tried my best to be excited when they smiled the first smiles, when they spoke their first words and took their first steps but I just couldn't. Because their existence reminded me every day of what could have been and what I was missing out on. It got to be so much that one night I stood in the middle of their room and contemplated doing what my mom and dad did to me...just leave the house and never come back. But I didn't because my loyalty was to my wife so instead I sulked in silence and drowned my time and thoughts into my work, sports and anything else that I could find to distract me.

   I accepted my fate. I believed I was sentenced to suffer in the worst possible way I could imagine...living my life as someone I desperately didn't want to be and that made me hate our children even more for forcing me to accept that reality. It wasn't until after the twins 3rd birthday party that I realized that I had finally endured enough. I convinced myself that I would not waste another day in this place of mental torture. I would become the rolling stone that I long desired to be. So I waited until the house was quite and everyone was sleeping. I gave my wife a good bye kiss and slowly crept out of our bed. I took the packed bag out of the closet and made my way to the back door. I told myself I was doing the right thing by leaving because the veil of my unhappiness would eventually be lifted and that I would cause more suffering if I stayed growing more bitter. And even though I would miss my wife I knew she would be OK because she was strong and she would be a much better parent to the twins then I could ever be. So I turned to leave. As I opened the back door I experienced a divine intervention that ultimately changed my life. I was half through the door with my bag slung over my shoulder when I felt the slightest tug on my shirt which made me immediately freeze. In the faint light of the moon being cast through the door frame I made out the silhouette of two small girls. Our oldest daughter pulls on my shirt again and asks "daddy where are you going?!", followed closely by another question from her baby sister "daddy can we go with you?!" Perhaps it was the innocence of my offspring inquiring about where I was headed that forced me into a moment of clarity or just the shame of being caught trying to run away but whatever it was it caused me to step back into the house. I closed the door and placed my bag on the counter. I turned on the light so they could see my face. Their questions deserved answers, I owed them that much. But as I searched for a response I realized that I didn't have an answer to give them.

   The few seconds that they were standing there looking at me felt like days so I sat down because my confusion about how to answer them was causing me to feel lightheaded. And as I pondered how to tell them that I was leaving they climbed into my lap and just laid their little heads against my chest. They put their tiny hands into mine and for the first time in my life I was really seeing them. I held them closer and rocked them gently in my lap. It wasn't until that very moment that I accepted that I was not my father nor my mother. I was not a rolling stone. I was a family man. For the first time since their mother told me she was carrying them I knew that I wanted to be their father. It was in that moment of pure revelation that I did something that I had never remembered doing before, I cried. I cried so hard that it hurt my throat and chest. I cried so deep that it made my baby girls cry too. I cried so strongly that it woke my wife who saw us, said nothing, sat down beside us and cried too. That night I realized that my children were what I always wanted and needed but never knew. My wife and daughters, MY FAMILY made my life worth living. I had wasted almost four years hating our children and not appreciating all their milestones and wasting the precious memories that make the struggle of parenthood worth it. It is damn near tragic how I almost intentionally abandoned the best experience my life had every known. But as life would have it, I stopped short of destroying my own peace. I have made amends with myself which allowed  me to rededicate myself to being a father. Now I spend every moment with my girls who are growing up grand as if it is our last days together. I appreciate my wife more every day for bringing them into this world. Yes I never wanted to have kids and I never desired to be a parent but I am grateful that I am. I learned I have a greater purpose because I am a father. Now I know the true meaning of happiness because I have a family. These are my thoughts, the confessions of a bad father...who actually transformed into a pretty good one.

"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring the greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

I HATE My FATHER For BETRAYING My MOTHER

   If there was one person in the world that I respected more than anybody it was my father. To me he was the DEFINITION of a man. He worked hard, provided for and spent time with his kids and he treated my mother as if she was the only woman in the world. It was this devotion to her that made me respect him above everything else. So when I got married and had kids of my own I patterned myself after him. I applied the lessons he had taught me over the years to my own life. It was to him, that I owed my success as a husband and father to. So when it was revealed that he wasn't who I believed him to be, to say I was hurt does not do my feelings justice. There's a reason why you don't place people in your life on pedestals, it's because when they fall off of them...they fall down HARD on top of you! Crushing every word of high praise you ever spoke and smothering the life out of every single bit of respect you carried in your heart for them.

   My moment of clarity came in the form of a passing glance. I was out of town for a conference one weekend and decided I would go for a late night run to shake the stress of the earlier meetings off. While running on the cities' downtown streets I caught a glimpse of a couple locked in a lover's embrace sharing more than a couple of passionate kisses. It made me think of my wife and reminded me to call her once I got back to the hotel. By the time I had got closer to them they had already began walking again, strolling hand in hand quietly whispering and laughing to each other. As I passed them from behind I politely said "thank you" as they made space for me on the sidewalk to squeeze by. The man spoke to me, saying "No problem young blood." The spoken phrase as well as the voice was so familiar that it stopped me cold in my tracks so suddenly that I nearly tripped over my feet. As if in complete disbelief of what I had just heard I turned to face the couple to confirm with my eyes what my ears and heart had already knew to be true. Even in the moonlight bathed night sky I could clearly recognize the man's face. It was a face that I seen so many times in my life that I could have drawn it from memory.

   And it was seeing the man's face that my heart was immediately broken. Two states away on a street I had never been on I was standing in front of someone one so familiar it hurt. The face belonged to my father. And as our eyes made contact I knew without a doubt that my life would never be the same. In life we learn that sometimes the burden of knowing costs more than the bliss of ignorance. And it was one of those moments that I wished I had not experienced. I had just witnessed the man that I loved and revered above all become the man that I always despised and prayed I would never become...an unfaithful husband. After damn near 40 years of marriage this bastard had the balls to creep around on his wife, MY MOTHER. As I stood there facing him and his mistress I felt a pain swell in my chest that was equaled only by my rising anger. For the first time ever...I felt hate. A seething and painful hatred toward someone that I had loved so much. The words that finally escaped my mouth will probably be forever lost in the deepest parts of my memory because all I will recall is the rage that only comes with the feelings of pure betrayal.

   The greatest hero in my world had just revealed himself to be in fact the most sinister of villains. And it was on the way back to the hotel that I was forced to face how in the hell I was going to handle the information that I had just received. How would I tell my wife, my siblings and my mother what I had saw with my own two eyes. My idol. My example. My father had just committed the most unthinkable...unimaginable act of violation in my book. And now he had forced me into becoming a bigger villain than he was. Because it would be me who would sooner or later have to reveal his affair. I would be the one that would crush every one's image of the great man we all loved and respected. Nothing from that moment on would be simply black or white. Because what do you say when you know telling the truth will cause nothing but pain. I accepted the harsh but true fact...that everyone is flawed especially your heroes I also accepted another truth...that I hate my father for what I accidentally witnessed. I hate him for living a lie. I hate him for abandoning his vows and his marriage. I hate my father for betraying my mother...but most of all I hate my father for betraying me.

"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring the greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

I AM NOT A BABY'S DADDY!!!

 
   The other day, I was on the phone with my wife trying to follow her instructions to prepare dinner and as we were talking my attention is taken away from her by hearing my oldest son yelling for me to come to him. I immediately dropped the phone and ran upstairs to his room. As I skip the steps three at a time my heart is pounding like a drum. When I get there I see my oldest son and his two younger brothers standing over their baby sister who is motionless and lying face down on the floor. I rush to her side and as I turn her over I can hear myself screaming at them "Call 911!!! WHAT HAPPENED TO HER?! WHAT HAPPENED TO HER?!! As I check to see if she is breathing she opens her eyes and says to me in her sweet and innocent voice, "I'm OK daddy! We just wanted to play a trick on you! I'm OK really I am!" I hold her in my arms and just begin to rock her.
 
   My boys come closer to me and I bear hug them all. My youngest boy wipes the tears from my cheeks that I didn't even know were there and says, "Sorry daddy we didn't mean to scare you." I look at him and say, "I know it's alright." I look at his older brother, their gang leader and say to him "Well played young sir! Ya'll got me good this time huh?!" He smiles and before he can run, because he knows what's coming next, I grab him and turn him upside and shake him while he and his siblings laugh and try to help him get out of my grasp. We all laugh as I chase them around the house for a minute before I leave them to play amongst themselves so that I can call their mother back so she doesn't suffer the same heart attack that I almost did.

   It is moments like these spent with my kids that make me realize how important they are to my life. I do everything possible to give my wife and our children a good life. So I take it really personal when men especially brown men are labeled as being "absentee", "bad" and my least favorite "dead-beat" dads. I am not the exception because I along with millions of other men are EXCELLENT FATHERS. We are the example of what devoted fathers look like. Now granted there are numerous men that abandon their children and their responsibilities when it comes to caring for their kids and THEY. AREN'T. SHIT!!! But for every one man that does neglect his seeds there are 1000's more men that are a constant presence in the lives of their offspring. We are brown and beige. We are single and married. We are gay and straight. We are poor and rich. We are old and young. We are first timers and we are seasoned veterans. We are coaches on the sidelines and princess tea party VIP's. We are a force that doesn't get the positive attention but it's time we are awarded the recognition that we deserve.

  As with many things in this world it is the negative that draws the headlines but we are not focusing on the negative we are highlighting the positive work that men across the globe and across the stretches of time have been doing since our creation. Fathers will never be held in the same regard as mothers and that is how it is supposed to be because mothers are truly special. But the fact that seems to always be overshadowed is what the father means to the family dynamic. We are the providers and protectors regardless if we are company presidents or stay at home dads. As fathers we are important and we are needed. So whenever I hear the term "baby daddy" I instantly get offended and sick because a man who fulfills his God given duty to raise his family should not be reduced to a horrible slang term. That is why I loudly and proudly proclaim for myself and for all the other millions of men to whom it applies to that...

"I AM NOT A BABY'S DADDY...I AM FATHER!!!"

"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

To My DAUGHTER'S FUTURE HUSBAND

 

  Let me start this off with a bit of harsh truth. I don't have to like you. You don't have to like me either. But because my daughter has chosen you to become her husband...WE WILL HAVE TO RESPECT EACH OTHER. Now that doesn't mean that I neither like or respect you now because I do...a very little bit HAHAHAHA but I do. But it's just that this moment in my daughter's life is signaling a beginning to an end...in short SHIT JUST GOT REAL. This marriage is the proverbial nail in my coffin and I am just not ready to accept it yet. To your credit, you have had two things that have worked in your favor over the last couple of years...my daughter has really grown to love you and my wife her mother actually finds you pleasant but that wasn't enough for me to fawn over you and damn sure not enough for me to accept you as my "son". You have to understand that I have spent her entire life dreading this very moment, so forgive me if I do not share in your joint enthusiasm. You are now becoming much more than that polite and well groomed young man that our daughter continued to bring over to the house for dinner. You will no longer be just her boyfriend or her fiance. You are about to become so much more to her and to this family. You are about to walk down the aisle and literally take my baby girl out of my hands and away from me. You are about to change my daughter's last name from the one I gave her the day her mother brought her into this world to a hyphenated version that includes yours...so yeah I'm still a little sour about this whole marriage thing.

   For the last couple of decades I have been the most constant man in her life a staple of sorts. I have been the shoulder she cried on when assholes made tears fall from her eyes. I was in her corner encouraging her to punch back when the world had her up against the ropes. I has holding her when she smiled her first beautiful smile. I was standing behind her when she took her first steps. Talking to her when she spoke her first words. Sitting next to her in the passenger seat as she first learned how to drive. The loudest one clapping in the audience when she earned her first degree. I have been there for every important first in her life since she became the most important first in my life so you are accepting a monumental responsibility. You are about to take all that away from me and create a whole new world of firsts with her which I am both sad and happy about. But to be honest what bothers me most is that she will now be looking to you to help provide for her, protect her and keep her happy. You are taking away every job I had as her father and making them your own as her husband. Know that I wasn't perfect in that role but I did my best not to fuck up and you damn sure better do the same! You have never given me a bad gut feeling about your character or your intentions toward my baby (and fair warning I do know that ya'll have had sex but that is another issue I will address at a later time!) but that doesn't makes this pill any easier to swallow.

  You know by now how special she is to her mother and I. We have did our best to prepare her to stand on her own or by the side of a mate, so I can tell you that you are going into this thing with the best possible partner. But also remember that in that preparation we also taught her not to accept anything less than the best. Her mother taught her not to take any shit from any person let alone a man and I trained her what to do if anyone attempted to do give her any. So when you have your issues just remember she is my daughter and if you do ANYTHING that causes her to come home bruised, broken or in pain due to your anger whether provoked or not YOUR ASS belongs to me and her Uncle Speaker and her 12 little cousins will be coming to visit you. But the promises of retribution aside...I believe you to be a good dude if I didn't this wedding would not be happening with my blessing or our money. Our daughter is my legacy. She is my greatest achievement, one of the two halves of my heart and soul. So please understand that I will do everything in my power to see her happy in life which means I will protect and defend her with my last breath even if that means going against you. As the future "CO-NUMBER ONE MAN" in her life you will have to accept sooner or later that she will always be more than just your future wife and or mother of your children...she is the product of a great love and will be treated as such. A love that I am grateful to have experienced as you should be if you already are not. And until you have learned to appreciate and respect that fact you will ALWAYS be seen and treated by me as my daughter's husband instead of the son-in-law I would welcome with open arms. I am giving you the greatest gift that was ever given to me, so I beg you please...don't make me regret it.

Respectfully Still Number One
Your future wife's father

"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

YES!!! FATHERHOOD DID DESTROY MY LIFE!!!

   As I begin to write this a little girl who looks like a miniature version of me runs full speed into the den screaming at the top of her lungs, "DADDY!!! DADDY!!! COME LOOK AT WHAT I DID!!! COME HERE!!! COME HERE!!!" I push back from the desk and follow her into the living room where she presents the source of her excitement...a five course play doh picnic. She had carefully crafted numerous lumps of the colorful substance into shapes that resemble real food. I sit down next to her on the blankets, say grace and we begin to "eat". And as she passes me food to try, I think to myself...just how much of a GIGANTIC WASTE OF MY FREAKING TIME it would have been had I stayed sitting in my chair instead of joining her. And as it has been for much of the last 5 years, I routinely find myself doing the things that MATTER MOST TO HER than doing the things that I think are important to me. So instead of writing I took a break and shared a meal with my baby girl. We ate the play doh sandwiches, fries, strawberries and pizza and drunk the imaginary tea and juice. We laughed when we faked burped and even had a food fight (by the way play doh IS NOT as soft as it looks either)!

   Another good memory for both her and I to cherish. As we cleaned up (and we as in I did while she watched TV)  I realized how much I thoroughly enjoy her company and cool she can be most days. Because there are moments when she can be a consistent pain ESPECIALLY when she gives me attitude! But we have more good than bad days together as daughter and father and as with any relationship, that's the goal...to have more good than bad. So after she is in bed I come back to writing and as I focus on how to start this chapter I think about our picnic and other fun times we share. I reflected on how much her existence has transformed my life. I remembered how my life was before her and how it has been since she arrived. And it was the realization of that comparison that shocked me because I wasn't ready for the hard core truth. It made me recall years ago someone telling me before I was even close to becoming a father, "that when you have kids they change who you are and who you would have become without them."

   But what they neglected to tell me, probably on purpose, was that not only will having kids change you personally THEY WILL FUCKING DESTROY YOUR ENTIRE LIFE HAHAHAHAHA. Everything that you thought was important or wanted in life will not only take a back seat to their needs and wants but they will be thrown out the window and dragged until your dreams become unrecognizable. You will spend the next 17-23 years busting your ass trying to give them everything you had and or didn't have because you love them more than your own life and want them to be happy. They will force you to exhibit patience you never knew you had when they constantly and intentionally push buttons you never existed. They are loud, hungry, dirty, rude, smelly, aggravating, embarrassing yet entertaining mini versions of yourself and sometimes you will despise them for it. But after all the tantrums and tears you still love the little monsters because they are YOUR little monsters!

   Now before she was born I played Madden for hours on hours before and after work until my wife made me come to bed. I could go where ever I wanted and could hang with my boys for as late as I wanted. My time was MY TIME, I WAS FREE!!! Yes I was married but my lady was grown. She made her own money, drove her own car and had keys to our home so essentially even though I cared for her she didn't NEED ME to CARE FOR her...ya dig?! So in theory I was a man with no strings attached and no major obligations. That all changed the day our daughter left Heaven and came into this world. From her first breath to her last, it was now my duty as her father, my God given responsibility, to provide for her the best possible life I could. And in order to do that I had to grow, adapt and change into someone that I was not. It was a struggle at first but providing her with a quality of life became more important than fulfilling my own wants. So I traded Madden and my PlayStation for a diaper bag and a rocking chair. My happy hours for late night bottle feedings. Sportscenter for Disney Junior. Hanging out all night with my boys to sleeping on her bedroom floor until the early morning just to make sure monsters didn't get her while she slept.

   My life was forced into a COMPLETE 360 all without my consent. At times I felt I had been hoodwinked and bamboozled because I had no manual, no instructions and no right or wrong way to help raise this child. I had no idea how to be a father let alone become the most important male figure that my baby girl would have in her life. But I focused myself and made the choices that would remold me into what I prayed would be a better man. All because a warm hearted, hilarious, intelligent and beautiful little girl choose us to be her parents. Fatherhood is one of those things in life that can get harder to handle with time BUT I swear it is WORTH. EVERY. SINGLE. MOMENT. I am eternally honored and privileged to be a daddy. So, YES!!! FATHERHOOD DID DESTROY MY LIFE!!! But when it did, my life was rebuilt and I was given a new purpose. I even earned an awesome new title...HAVEN'S DAD! And in my mind that is something to be quite proud of.

"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

Almost, BUT NOT Quite MARRIAGE MATERIAL

    I guess my infatuation with marrying the perfect man began when I was a little girl. I would hang on every word in every book that my parents read to me about the princess who finds her prince. I would scream with delight at the end when they married and rode off into the sunset together to live their happily ever after. And because I thought that is what every little girl was meant to have I created in my mind the perfect image of what my future husband would have to be. Naively I held onto that image well into my young adult years. I never kept a boyfriend more than a couple of months because sooner or later they would eventually do something or I would find anything that would disqualify them as being marriage material in my eyes. It was always music to my father's ears when I would inform him that another boyfriend failed to make the cut. He would just respond, "Awww baby he wasn't good enough for you anyway." He didn't know it then but all the spoiling he did and the confirmations that no man was good enough for me made me believe that I would never have to change my expectations in my quest for a happily ever after. But after years of dating I hadn't found a man that I believed was marriage material, not one that was worthy of being my prince charming. The expectations that I was determined not to compromise on kept me single more often than I would've liked but I was happy with how my life had turned out so far...or so I thought I was.

   It wasn't until the day my three childhood friends (all married to great guys with beautiful kids...I hate those bitches HAHAHAHAHA) called and asked me what we were going to do for my 30th birthday. As I sat alone at home after the conversation it hit me. I began thinking about how successful I was and all that I had accomplished and then I realized that there was something still missing in my life. And I almost cried when I finally acknowledged what it was...it was someone special to share it all with. I blamed myself for living in such a fantasy world for all those years. I had forced so many decent men out of my life because they could not meet my expectations. They always failed to uphold the image of what my perfect prince and future husband was supposed to be like. In the end all of them were ALMOST, but not quite marriage material. So as I often did when I was faced with girl problems that I can't talk to my girls about  I called up my only true male friend, my big brother. He had always given me sound counsel over the years. Sometimes he was harsh but he was always truthful. He gave me great advice from a male's perspective but delivered it with the bluntness that none of my other friends would be bold enough to give me. So I waited patiently for him to pick up the line while listening to my niece run around with the phone screaming "Daddy!!! Auntie B is on the phone!!!" I hear his normally calm voice boom into the receiver "GIRL WHAT DO YOU WANT?! Do you know it's BED TIME?! We trying to get these kids to sleep and THEY RUNNING WILD! This BETTER be IMPORTANT!" As I quietly apologized for my call's disruption he sensed the seriousness of my tone and tells me to hold on. I can hear the muffled voices as he covered the phone obviously telling my sister-in-law something is wrong with me and he needed her to handle the kids alone tonight so he could talk with me.

   The sounds of my nieces and nephews rampaging throughout the house go quiet as he heads downstairs and closes a door. He comes back on the line with his big brother concerned voice..."Hey, sorry about that. What happened? Are you alright?!" And it was at hearing his questions that I lost it. I began sobbing uncontrollably. I confess how my outlook on my love life had drastically and painfully changed. I explain to him how I wanted to be that confident young woman who refused to settle just to have a man. But then I tearfully remarked how I desperately wanted a good man, how I wanted that good man to love me. I told him how I was so tired of watching everyone around me live happily in love. Tired of listening to the questions of when I was going to marry and have a family. I wanted my happily ever after with my handsome prince. I wanted the man that was the perfect example of marriage material. After about 20 minutes of listening to me cry and reveal all the emotions that I thought were nonexistent spill out like a flood he went quiet for a couple of moments then softly spoke. "B, can I tell you what the problem is and has always been?!" You've spent your entire life searching for a prince like the ones in your story books from when we were small. That's why they were called fairy tales...they are not REALITY. In the real world there are NO PERFECT princes! Just men that will love you and do their best to be perfect for you. I mean look at me I am the POSTER BOY of a non perfect man, husband and father but I try and that is what any woman or man wants from their partner. You have to give someone the chance to do that." As he continues to speak I listen intently instead of interrupting him with my normal sassy responses and rebuttals. He then said something that made me immediately stop crying and laugh out loud.

  He said, "I've been telling you since high school B that the bar you are setting for the men you date is so high that Jesus himself couldn't reach it. Based on your expectations even God isn't perfect enough to be your prince!" He laughed in response to my laughter and then the conversation turned from me sobbing away about my love disasters into a very productive and well need address of what I was doing and what I needed to stop doing. He told me something wise that he said Daddy told him hours before he himself was married. "Have requirements instead of expectations." I understood exactly what those words meant. I needed to have things that I would never break on but still be flexible enough  bend and accept other things. He went on to explain to me that men need to know that a woman is worth chasing. He pointed out that because of some of my ridiculous expectations most guys were either were cut too soon or they themselves chose not to pursue anything more with me. It was after our conversation that I did some reevaluating. I was finally in a place where I could accept that the problem wasn't always the suitors I was rejecting sometimes it WAS ME. I was causing my own "bad luck" with achieving happily ever after. I was the one limiting the opportunities that I had to met a good guy that would work hard and love me enough to strive to become my "perfect" prince. By dismissing every man that showed interest in me because he didn't meet my every detailed expectation, I was not giving them the time to show me that they were willing to fulfill my requirements. So after talking with my big brother and hearing the shared wisdom of our Father I realized that the men weren't the only ones that were not perfect, I had my flaws too. I was also the one who was almost, but not quite marriage material.

"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring the greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

WE'RE NOT BORN To Be RACIST...We Are Taught

    I would like to introduce you to Haven and Kendal, two intelligent and warm hearted little souls. They have known each other since they both learned to talk and walk. The great thing about these two is that they are extremely close friends. Now I know looking at them the two most obvious things that you notice is 1. they are beautiful little girls and 2. they know how to look GLAMOROUS in gowns. But there are two more things about them that may not be so obvious 1. that they are loved deeply and 2. they are SISTERS. Now even though they were born about five months apart to two different sets of mothers and fathers and they are raised in different households believe me when I tell you THEY ARE SISTERS. Both are daddy's little girls and momma's precious babies. They have big girl parties after hours (sleepovers). They will talk and giggle to each other on the phone forever if their parents let them. And yes they argue and fuss with each other too! Over toys, which movies to watch and other things but they will CRY THEIR EYES out when they have to leave each other. And it is that bond that makes hearing them laugh and seeing them play together an experience that will warm the coldest of hearts.

   Hav and K have created and share a bond that in the few years they have spent together has become a love that most people never experience in their entire lifetimes. As they have grown up together they have become more aware of the many differences they share and have on numerous occasions comically voiced their observations. They recognize that Haven has short brown hair but Kendal has long blond hair. They see that Kendal has green eyes but Haven has dark brown eyes. They are also aware that "Haven is chocolate and Kendal is vanilla!" So even though they are sisters it is clearly noticeable even to themselves that these two angels share a contrast of skin tones and physical features. And it is these characteristics that so many "grown ups" still seem to have an issue with...even in 2014!!! Now to some folks, it may seem odd that sisters can have so many differences but still be so close. But it is the beauty of their diversities that has allowed their youthful friendship to grow into a bond of sisterhood. Their relationship isn't special because of their natural variations IT IS SPECIAL BECAUSE IT IS NOT DEFINED by those variations. Even when they are fighting over space on the couch or over whose turn it is on the computer they never lash out at each other with hurtful insults spawned of a hateful contempt based on the differences of their individual skin tones.

 
   As parents we often are forced to view the world through our children's eyes. Forced to go against what society tells us that we should accept as normal for our kids. Forced to change the way we think about life and the people in it. It has been a very humbling experience watching them grow up and I thank the Lord that they have each other. I wish I could share the lessons I have learned from Haven and Kendal with the world because they have taught me that Friendship and Love is truly colorblind. These two little ladies have taught me that, if we as adults, have the courage to see through the eyes of our future caretakers and look past the colors of our own skin hues and others, we would be able to understand that no matter the differences that our beautiful shades have...we're not born to be racist...we are taught.*

*Special Thanks to my wife and Haven's mother Crystal and to Tyler and Claudia, Kendal's parents for allow me to us our children pictures and bond to make the world a little better. SALUTE*

"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring greatness out of those around them." - TWIL