My BABY Is HAVING A BABY

   ANGRY. DISAPPOINTED. BETRAYED. That is how I felt the day my daughter came to me in tears informing me that she was pregnant. My first reaction was to grab and shake her while screaming "HOW COULD YOU BE SO CARELESS?! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!! But it was the pain in her eyes and the guilt in her voice that persuaded me to take a different avenue. I knew how she felt. I knew all to well the rollercoaster she was about to get on without a refundable ticket. I could relate to her situation because 16 years ago her mother and I were sitting in the same circle. And it was that memory that forced me to employ a different method of approaching the situation. I remember how our own parents flipped the fuck out when we told them we were pregnant. Both 17. Both in our senior years of high school. Both with bright futures. Both scared to death about what was too come. Our parents scolded us with the same questions that I immediately thought to scream at her. I remember sitting in that room being on trial by fire. I remember feeling like we should have never told them because of what we were dealing with. I know they had every right to be upset but I remember them making me feel alone, that we would not have the support system we needed. I remember feeling so ashamed due to the way they voiced their displeasure about our actions. I didn't want our daughter, my baby girl to feel ashamed. I didn't want her to feel alone. I didn't want her to think coming to me was a mistake. I wanted her to feel accountable but also still feel empowered that she could do this.

    So I just sat her down and asked her to tell me what she wanted to do next. She cried and talked for almost an hour. Telling me about the decisions she would have to make. How scared she was for her and the baby's future. Just crying in my arms because she really didn't know what this meant for her life. I comforted her as best as I could but told her I would not share my thoughts until after she told her mother, that way there would be no sides to take or no secrets to keep. That evening she told her mother who cried as well. That night was probably the hardest one we had endured since the creation of our family. We shared our own fears from our own experiences. We explained what she would have to do and what she may lose. We stressed to her in a non-sugar coated way that... HER FUTURE WOULD NOW BE HER BABY'S PRESENT!!! We shared our angry, our disappointments, and our feelings of betrayal. But we also gave her our encouragement and support. We let her know it would be an up-hill battle. We let it be know that she would now have to deal with the consequences of her choices. After she went to bed my wife and I stayed up and talked. We took that forced walk down memory lane. We judged ourselves asking what could we have done differently to prevent her from making the SAME poor decisions we had made. But as we had our discussion we realized that we were in the same positions that our parents were in years earlier.

   The difference was that this time our daughter would not walk away with the same emotions we had. She would not be shunned and treated as a cast away. She would not feel abandoned. We would help her learn from her mistakes. We would teach her that she still could have a prosperous future but to attain it she would have to work harder and dedicate herself more to have a good life. The next morning we told her our expectations and desires as she began her journey into parenthood. We explained we would support her, the baby and the father but NOT in a primary role, we would only be there to provide secondary care when needed. Her eyes were still puffy from crying all night but she managed to tell us that she didn't expect us to be so straight forward and comforting. She was actually glad she came to us instead of hiding it. Her telling us that made me feel like the World's Greatest Father. Even though we failed to prevent her from walking in our footsteps, we had encouraged her that the path, even though it would be difficult and long and filled with obstacles that she could still navigate it successfully. Months have passed from that morning and we all watch her belly grow and prepare for the arrival of her baby and our first grandchild. I am proud of the preparations she has made and the better decisions she has made going forward. And even though I am comforted that she will have better days than we had as teenage parents I have to admit that it is still difficult for me sometimes to accept that my baby is having a baby.

"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

HIS LAST AFFAIR

   I never thought I would be here. We all know that the choices we make can create our own personal Heaven or own personal version of Hell. Sad thing is we don't realize how much we contribute to our own misery until we are knee deep in it. I lay here trying to calm my thoughts and filter out the sounds of lock down in the place I am now forced to call home. A cold, unforgiving and wretched place where 204 other men spend their days either shackled or caged this is where I reflect on my choices. I could have chosen another approach but I guess that's why they are called crimes of passion. I murdered my best friend and wife in a jealous rage. I executed both of them right there in the room where I caught them having sex. In the room mere steps away from where my kids were sleeping. The room where my wife and I had shared so many memories. In that room I took the lives of the two people who I had grown to love over the last 25 years.

   I snapped there is no denying that. I guess suspecting something then having it confirmed in such a vivid way will do that. I knew my boy was a flirt. I knew he had no limits to the crazy shit he would do, hell I was his partner in crime for most of it. I listened to the stories of him humping other dudes wives and girlfriends but I never thought he would betray me. I should have told him that intentionally going after another man's woman was off limits instead of encouraging him. That was my mistake. A mistake that would come back to bite me. Truth is I knew how he was but I never imagined he would pursue MY WIFE. I mean we were damn near brothers. This was the rule that I should have never needed to tell him because he should know NOT TO TOUCH MINE?! I noticed the subtle glances they would share when they thought I wasn't looking. The extended hugs, the quiet smirks. I saw all that shit but I disregarded all the signs because I was CONVINCED that neither of them would do what I felt was me just being paranoid. I should have made the choice then to confront one or both of them just to let them know what I was thinking. But I didn't. I thought if I accused them of having an affair and was wrong I would lose them both. So I just pretended I was being the victim of my own paranoia. So as it turns out I should have given my suspicions more credibility. I wasn't supposed to be back in town for another three days but the conference was shut down earlier due to the contract talks falling apart. So I came home expecting to surprise my wife and kids. But I was the one that was in for the shock of my life.

    I entered my bedroom to witness my wife and my best friend fucking like teenage rabbits. It was like I was watching the scene unfold in slow motion. I grabbed her first by her hair throwing her into dresser. He tried to position himself to protect himself from my unexpected appearance and subsequent rage but couldn't. I grabbed the lamp off the nightstand and just keep swinging. The screams woke my kids who instinctively ran into our room. What happened next is why I am residing here. My daughter screams at me in tears, "DADDY STOP! STOP HURTING MY MOMMY AND DADDY!" It wasn't bad enough that they were screwing behind my back, in my home but had MY BABY calling him daddy!!! I didn't even feel my hand grasp the handle of the pistol I kept in the safe in the closet. I didn't hear the sounds the slugs emptying from the clip. I never saw the splatter of blood as the bullets took their lives. I just saw the living embodiment of betrayal and revenge. I reacted in a emotional charged rage. I made the choice to succumb to my anger. I had just murdered my wife and best friend in front of my three kids. In a way I know I deserve to be here but I cannot shake the thought that they deserve what they got as well. I know it's not right but I am comforted some nights that my wife won't ever deceive me again and that my best friend had his last affair.


"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

WHY Didn't He MARRY ME?!

   He told me he loved me. He promised he would never leave me. He guaranteed he would never ever break my heart. Well I guess it's pretty obvious as I sit at the altar on what was meant to be one of the most magical days of my life...dabbing my eyes with tissue surrounded by friends and family that HE WAS A FUCKING LIAR. But what really angers me is that, as hurt as I am, I can't say that I am  completely surprised he stood me up on our wedding day. I saw the signs, I noticed the trends yet I blissfully ignored the warnings. Honestly I thought that if I gave him enough attention he would never look for it from another woman. I believed if I met his needs he would never have a reason to not come home. I was wrong. I tried to change the zebra's stripes to spots. I realize that now. I failed and now I am a victim of my own poor decisions. My father is furious beyond description for the pain his baby girl is in. My mother and girlfriends keep trying to assure me that I am not the reason he didn't show up. But I know the truth.

   Everyone is placing the blame on him but the fact is I am MORE GUILTY than he is. I knew. I KNEW he wasn't husband material. I knew that his attitude toward marriage and commitment were less than favorable. Hell his numerous past deeds of unfaithfulness alone should have been enough evidence to convict him of being unworthy of being married to me. But pride is a bitch! Pride gave me false security. I felt that I was the woman that could mold him into a better man. I knew I could make him a good husband if I only loved him enough. I was arrogant enough to believe that I could force him to change. It's crazy because through the haze of my sobbing I realize why you don't care for a sick snake, because in the end it is still a snake. Now I am suffering from the bite I thought would never come but should have prepared for. I actually remembered him telling me bluntly after we had been dating for about three years that he could NEVER see himself being with only one woman for the rest of his life. He thought marriage was a legal way to hinder him financially and restrict him sexually. I laughed him off thinking he was just being an ass. Now how ironic is it that I'm the ass sitting in a big ass wedding dress crying like a baby with colic. I'm the one being laughed at.

   I can't lie and pretend that I didn't play a hand in this train wreak of a relationship. I let him do whatever he wanted. I made it acceptable for him to disrespect me and step out of our relationship without penalty. Yes he isn't shit for putting me through this but I have to be honest and take responsibility. I had and should have taken those opportunities to exit the relationship. My only consolation is that I never conceived a child with him...now that would have fucked this moment up even more. So in the end I guess I should feel somewhat fortunate. All I have really wasted was seven years of my time, money and invested emotions. Perhaps him abandoning me at the altar is the best thing for me. Perhaps this teachable moment will make me value myself as a woman and future wife and mother. I am in pain but I will recover. I will shed many more tears but they will dry. I know the role I played in this show so I have to learn to live with what has happened. Days will pass and I will get angry with what happened on this day. But I will grow from it. Even though I know the answer I will still ask myself for years to come the question that only he can answer...why didn't he marry me?!


"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

She HURT ME Because I Caused Her PAIN

  
   Clean. Slate. That is what we agreed to the night of our wedding. Anything that occurred before we said our "I do's" would be forgiven or given the chance to at least resolve. We decided on a clean slate approach because we had both did things to each other that we felt allowed us to grow because we learned from our mistakes but they could also damage our marriage if we didn't leave them in our pasts. We were building a future together and we wanted our foundation to be free of previous construction so with that mantra we matured and grew together. After celebrating our third year of marriage we learned we were pregnant and that we would soon become parents of a young king...the heir to our throne. Years past and we were still falling in love. We had a beautiful home, promising careers and a child we adored. Then the night that would alter our lives forever happened. I was checking some work documents before our date night began and noticed my wife had left her Facebook account open. As I went to close it an instant message popped up. As much as I preached privacy I was still nosy as most people are so instead of ignoring the message and continuing to do my work I read it. I instantly regretted my choice. The message was from an old acquaintance. She was telling my wife thank you for spending the last weekend with her and how much she looked forward to their next meeting and how she had really enjoyed that they were re-kindling their old relationship. I re-read it a couple of times to make sure what I was reading was legit. 

   Afterwards I just sat attempting to analyze what my mind was desperately trying to process. When my wife walked into the den to ask me about her outfit I snapped. I cussed her out calling her every name I could pronounce and immediately told her our marriage was over. She was caught of guard as to what caused my suddenly erratic behavior until I directed her to the computer screen. As she sat down she started to convulse, shaking as hard and fast as the tears that streamed down her cheeks. She pleaded with me to give her a chance to explain but my rage was in full effect. I stormed to our bedroom and began emptying the drawers of her clothes. Then to the closet tossing shoes, dresses any and everything that was hers into the floor and told her this house was no longer her home. She fell to the floor atop her clothes grasping at my legs, wrapping her arms around my waist begging for my forgiveness. She would find none. I told her she could come back tomorrow with the police to retrieve her items because she would not stay in this house tonight. I threw some cash at her, told her to find a hotel to sleep at maybe meet up with the bitch she had threw away our marriage away for because she would not spend another night with me in what was formally the house we had made our home. She told me I was making a mistake not letting her explain and that she deserved better than this. I angrily replied that the mistake I made was making her my wife and that our family deserved better than this. Her tears then turned into angry yells. She stormed out cursing me telling me she would make me pay for what I had just done and that it would not end like this. I slammed the door shut and watched her speed up the street in the darkness.

   I spent the night crying and sobbing. I was confused and hurt. I kept repeating the words clean slate over and over until I passed out from the emotional drain and pain. That morning I called my mother-in-law and asked her if I could pick up Junior later than we agreed. She could sense something was wrong but I didn't give her enough time to investigate. I needed to clear my head so I showered and drove around trying to make sense of how my life would now proceed after being betrayed by the woman I thought I would spend the last years of my life happily with. I ended up at my in-laws who by that time had spoken with their daughter. They begged me to stay because she was on her way there to see our son but I stubbornly refused. I rushed our son into his car seat and sped out of their driveway. Distracted I never noticed my wife's car. Then as quickly as the flash of lighting there was the sound of metal bending and fragments of glass shattering all around me cutting my skin. The last thing I remembered was reaching for my son after hearing his cries and the sirens of the ambulances. Turns out my wife was as distraught as I was and seeing me again in her emotionally unstable haze she decided the only way to get me to listen to her would be to smash her car into mine and force me to stop and finally hear her explanation. At that moment it seemed like a good idea but it caused all three of us to end up in the hospital that day.

   I thought I had never experienced pain like I did as I forced myself up from my hospital bed into the wheel chair. I never knew the body could experience that much trauma but it wasn't until I saw my boy hooked up to numerous machines fighting for his life that I understood the true definition of pain. My wife meant to get my attention and in her own pain and fear she wanted me to hurt too but it was our son that would bear the brunt of the suffering. She told me that night I put her out of our home that she would hurt me just like I had hurt her. She was true to her word because she did hurt me. And even though I know I'm not directly responsible for what she had done I do feel that my actions contributed to her reactions. It's always hard to make wise decisions when your emotions are going full throttle. Instead of forcing her out perhaps I should have given her a chance to explain why? Hindsight is that you never know how far you can push someone until they push back, you don't realize the amount of pain you can inflict on others until you begin to experience it yourself. I have to accept that she hurt me because I caused her pain.

"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

Your WOMAN Is ALWAYS RIGHT!!!

  Trust me bruh, I can relate. You're sitting on the couch watching the game, not bothering nobody...just relaxing and you hear your lovely lady speak those dreaded words..."baby, we need to talk". In your head you are screaming "What. The. FUCK?! Not this again!" Because you know just like Dave Chappelle said "that every time she says we need to talk that means ya'll need to talk about some shit that YOU gotta do...ya'll aint never gotta talk about shit SHE needs to do." So your chill mood has been instantly ruined because you know how bad these "talks" can get. You become defensive in every answer you give and your body language reflects how much you absolutely DO NOT want to engage in this discussion with her. She sees this and immediately begins to think 1.) you don't want to make time for her. 2.) you have something to hide and 3.) you don't care about her feelings and concerns. And she is right, she is always right even when she is dead wrong. Why? I'll tell you why?! Because even though none of the above is true her emotions and feelings make it real and when it's real IN HER MIND, it makes it true to her! And in the end that's all that matters. So now ya'll are both in a pissy mode because the communication has not been made clear and now the topics that need to be discussed and addressed are not and the both of you are now frustrated and mad as hell.

   So who wins in that situation?! Well truthfully you both lose big but it is YOU the man that will have to pay the biggest penalties. And do you know what that those penalties are...yes you guessed it AGGRAVATION, DISTANCE and the ABSENCE OF SEX. She will reward your aggravation with distance and for what she has perceived as a diss she will cut your water off aka no action, no hot buns, no freaky sneaky, no horizontal hokey pokey...NO SEX! Now she won't consciously withdrawal sex but it will happen. Why because men are physical and women are emotional. She will not be able to forget her emotions long enough to allow you, the one she is upset with, to get her sexually aroused long enough to engage in some good love making. So what do you do as a man, you don't want your lady pissed off all the time because you do love her and want her to feel appreciated and you damn sure don't want blue balls or an ignored erection...so what do you do?! Listening?! YOU TALK WITH HER! Do what?! Yes you gotta stop what you're doing and talk with her when she asks you to do so. Granted I know it goes against every fiber of your manhood to openly speak about your feelings and share your emotions but listening to her is EXACTLY what you have to do. Notice I said talk WITH, not at or to her. You have to communicate with her in a fashion that makes her feel important. In a way that lets her know you are attentively listening to her concerns. She has to feel important in the sense that she is worthy of your direct attention and time. If you take the time to share what is in your head, listen to what is on her mind and freely discuss what you both expect and want to happen it will make the time spent together less hectic and more enjoyable for you both.

   Arguments will not occur as much. Misunderstandings will not be a common thing and most importantly she isn't angry all the time or feeling neglected. You are contributing to her emotional roller coaster going up more often than it goes down and in the end, all that translates to a happy woman at home. Which means you my man, get to enjoy the game undisturbed hell she might even lay quietly in your lap while you do. You won't have to regret cussing her out in your head or out loud and not to be overlooked the added bonus of more happy sexy time! Trust me I know it's gets hard especially when it seems like she is always in your face. But remember if she didn't love you she wouldn't give a fuck what you did. She fusses and sweats you because she does care and she wants to be sure you care about her in return. Now I'm not saying let her walk over you and constantly disrespect you but pick your battles. Like my grandfather told before I got married, if you want to live happily with your woman you HAVE TO LEARN that if you want a piece you better keep the peace. Wise words from a decent man and very true indeed. Learn to communicate and do it often cause if you don't you will never find peace with her and she will never give you a piece either. Don't fight against it...your woman is always right and that's not a bad thing.

"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

One GOOD GIRL Is WORTH A Million Other Chicks

   I never believed in "love at first sight" cause that shit is for love sick idiots. I did however believe in smashing on the first night. So when I first saw her I know I had to have her in my bed. She was gorgeous! Talked with class, had some sexy eyes with an incredible smile and most importantly she had a bad ass body! I mean one like you wouldn't believe! I'm talking curves so crazy that they would make a Nascar driver envious. But it's a trip because I was so caught up in her physical beauty that I never thought that it would be her personality and presence that I would ultimately come to desire. The numerous internal treasures that I couldn't see would be the reasons that I would fall so deep into her pool of love that I would never return to the surface. Now before I bore you with the mushy details of how love came to be I must first explain what I was at the time of our introduction. In the interest of time and honesty...I was exceptionally promiscuous or if you wanna be a jerk about it, I was a Super-Hoe. I loved being with different women and since my "almost a daddy" experience in high school, I had made it my mission to have so many chicks under my sheets that I would be mentioned in the same class as Mr. Chamberlain. Great ambitions huh?!

   But things rarely go as we foresee them going. So there she was in the Virginia Union University campus bookstore looking right! So I approached her and we talked exchanging dorm telephone numbers. One thing eventually blossomed into several and before either of us knew it we had become a couple. Storybook right? Not exactly. We dated for a couple of years then got engaged even moving into together to share a townhouse. But there was a major issue that threatened the potential of what could be. I WAS A WHORE! I lied. I deceived. I disrespected. I was everything that she didn't need in a man, in her life at that time. And it eventually wore her down. One night as I was about to go creep with one of my numerous side chicks she stopped me. She calmly told me if I left that night that she would not be at home once I returned. She proceeded to reveal to me that as clever as I thought I had been, protecting her feelings by concealing my cheating, that I in fact had not been clever at all. She began naming names, revealing places I had been, referencing past voice mails and text messages. She confirmed that she knew I was unfaithful and that she had finally had enough. I would have to choose. Was being with all those other females worth losing her?

   For the first time in a long time I had to acknowledge that my actions had consequences that could affect me for the rest of my life. Now the truth was that I did love her I really did but the problem was that I was also still much in love with the thrill of getting pussy. But now I would have to decide between those two loves. I would have to be honest with myself and recognize which one brought me true joy and peace. I remembered what I knew all those years ago when we first met that this girl was different, special in a way that I had never experienced. It was in that moment that my heart broke. It broke not because my secrets had been revealed or that my pride had been exposed but because I had deeply wounded someone that really loved me and perhaps more someone that I really loved. So to make a good story even greater. I stopped humping around immediately. I went into a voluntarily enforced rehab (cause pussy was my drug), I cut off the other chicks cold. I re-committed myself to her that night. I promised her that since she had put up with my betrayals and bullshit for so long I would spend the rest of the time we would spend together making her happy. I dedicated myself to giving her the relationship she deserved and should have had from the start. It's amazing that the addiction of being with other woman brought her to my attention but the kicking of that habit would keep her with me.

   So now I am very proud to say that eight out of the last eleven years that we have been together I have been 100% sober. We will be celebrating our seventh wedding anniversary in October of 2013. We are the parents of a beautifully intelligent four year old little woman. We have built a life together that gives us tremendously more good days than bad. She has brought so much to my life that I could never repay her gamble for trusting that I would change. I found a rare Crystal in a sea of common stones and I thank the Lord everyday that he gave me the wisdom to fully appreciate her before another man did. I stare at her in amazement most times not just to check out her body (which is still banging after all these years) but to quietly say thank you. She gave me a life that I would never have know was meant for me if I had stayed out in the streets. And when our eyes meet it is in her captivating glance framed perfectly on her lovely face radiating out from her one of a kind smile that I am constantly reminded that I had finally learned that...one good girl is worth a million other chicks.

"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

REGRETS Of A FAITHFUL CHEATER

   My father, who was quite the ladies man himself in his day, told me when I turned fourteen during our sex talk "the wiser your mind gets, the better decisions your dick will make." As a young boy I couldn't understand what the fuck he was talking about but now as I sit on this bed taking what may be my last breaths I understand. It seems my ignorance has finally evolved into wisdom. A little too late I admit to save me...but perhaps not too late to spare another young man a similar fate. I let my penis constantly make horrible decisions that might ultimately cost me my life and I have to accept the consequences of those choices. But sometimes the knowledge we attain isn't meant to save ourselves but to save those that come after us. So I offer my knowledge to every man out there plugging his baby maker into every available outlet with utter disregard for his safety or the potential consequences...pay attention as I share my confessional. Since I became sexual active at the age of twelve (I know I was a fast ass) I have treated females as toys. They were played with for as long as they held my attention then discarded as soon as something nicer came along. I did this shit for years with reckless abandonment.

   So fast forward nine years and I haven't changed. Now in college with so much more experience I have grown into a full fledged man-hoe. It was something that I was weirdly proud of. All the dudes knew I was a pussy magnet and all the women couldn't resist my pull. I was good at whoring because I made my "victims" feel loved. I never disclosed what happened under the sheets so the accusations and rumors could never be validated completely. I made my women feel special, never disrespected or neglected. I gave them more than an excellent dose of penis. I gave them dedicated attention. I provided a shoulder to cry on, arms to comfort them as well as a warm bed to hump in. I was, in my mind at the height of my game with no plans to retire. I was sexing at one time in my career nine women at the same time. Some knew of the others but didn't care because when I was with her I made her feel like there was no other woman more important than she. My championship reign ended the night of my 21st birthday. I met Nicole when I was out having celebratory drinks with my frat brothers. She approached me with a confidence that I was immediately attracted to. So we exchanged numbers. The mutual attraction was so strong that we ended up texting each other mere hours after we met. So as the texts went out my game was turned on.

   I invited her over to my apartment that night and when she arrived I was overwhelmed yet pleasantly pleased because she initiated what was to be the start of many glorious one night stands.  She gave me the best night of my life and for the first time I thought I had fallen in love because her sex game was the greatest I had ever experienced! Over the next couple of months we hooked up on an almost daily basis. Since she never questioned me about having other women I never had a thought to inquire about her life outside of my sheets. All I cared about was that she was giving me all that I ever wanted sexually and that was enough to keep me happy. But as they say "you cannot build your happiness on the misery of others". Now for as reckless as I was I wasn't dumb. I knew after years of being with all those different women that I had never been faithful to any of them and I never cared if I was the person a girl was cheating on her man or woman with. But you know hindsight is 20/20 and Karma is a bitch that doesn't forget a thing.

   So as I was gearing up for my entry into the real world I felt fucking great. I was going to be graduating with honors next month with a guaranteed career position at a prestigious company. I had access to gorgeous women hand over fist. I was living the high life...Mr. Untouchable or so I thought. It all shattered in my face when I answered that knock at my door. Since I wasn't expecting company I peer out the window and I see Nicole's car. I ignored the fact that it was odd for her just to pop up unannounced but because I was always willing to indulge in her loving I opened the door anyway. Standing before me was not Nicole but some big ass dude with a very calm yet threatening expression on his face. He says "I'm Nicole's boyfriend can I come in?!" And with that I am immediately put on guard. So I naturally respond with "Naw man...I don't know you or a Nicole so  you can't come in". Before I could slam the door in his face he steps towards me displaying the pistol that was at his side. I give up my space and gesture for him to enter. He coolly walks past me inspecting my place. I say "look man, I don't want this to get out of hand so how about you sit down and we can talk about whatever you came here to discuss." I gesture him toward the couch and I walk into the kitchen offering him a bottled water.

   He stands in front of the couch with his back to me looking down at it while still clutching the pistol in his hand. I take the opportunity to retrieve the hand gun hidden in the cabinets behind the bar, one of three pieces that I keep scattered around the house just in case some chick got crazy or for the rare moment a jealous boyfriend/girlfriend comes to my pad starting some shit. He turns around and without saying a word raises the gun at me. I try to appeal to him with words but I can see he is past reasoning with. So I move myself into a better position to shoot him if my pleading doesn't persuade him to put his gun down. It doesn't and he pulls the trigger. The first shot hits me directly in the shoulder slamming me into the nearby wall. I immediately raise my pistol and empty the clip. Despite the deafening sound of gunfire I only hear my heartbeat. I swear it seemed like days had past as I was slumped against the stove before police and paramedics finally made it to my place. The resulting memories were a jumbled mess of images...ranging from the EMT's strapping me to a stretcher, to the police trying to get a statement to the bright ceiling lights of the ER.

   The clarity of what transpired in my place after the first shot was fired is made available by my father as he and my mother stand at my bedside crying and talking with the hospital staff. It seems I only remembered and felt the shoulder shot but didn't feel the other three that hit my stomach and chest causing massive damage to my inner organs. I am connected to a machine that is helping me breath now so I cannot talk, forced only to listen to what the nurses and doctors are telling my parents. Apparently I shot her nutty ass EX-boyfriend to death that day in my apartment hitting him in the chest, neck and face. Turns out the crazy bastard had been stalking her for months and finally went into a jealous rage which ended with him executing her and her roommates minutes before he drove to my house in an attempt to murder me as well.

   As I try to accept the consequences of my acts I hear my pop's words in my head..."the wiser your mind gets, the better decisions your dick will make." It seems my mind got older but not wiser. I failed to make the change from a boy to a real man. A change that could have prevented what I am now suffering through. You know every choice a man makes can either better his life or ruin it. So hopefully this is a lesson in life that if you heed, will save you from learning the hard way. This is my gift to you so that you when you meet the right woman you won't treat her as simply an object of sexual attraction. But take the time to treasure her for all her gifts not just the one she sits on. Being a player or pimp is not what men are intended to become. Men are destined to be Kings...Kings that live happily with his one Queen surrounded by their heirs to the throne that she has blessed him with. A woman is meant to bring more than sexual pleasure into a man's life. And until a man sees a woman for more than just her vagina he will sooner or later endure the pain caused by the poor choices his dick makes instead of receiving the blessings by following the wisdom of his mind and heart which will lead him to a good woman. So this is my confessional...these are the regrets of a faithful cheater.

"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring greatness out of those around them." - TWIL