21 YEARS NOT A FATHER

  The rumors among family and friends were always spoke with hushed voices, so I did my best to ignore them because in the end only one person truly knew the truth. And in all honesty she had never given me reason to believe the quiet gossiping so I never had a reason to question my paternity. Being raised by a single father I was taught to do what I believed was the right thing in any given situation. So with that teaching being instilled in me after being told that my on and off again girlfriend for the last seven years was pregnant with my seed the choice to commit myself to her was easy. Even though the truth was that neither of us was ready to become parents we shared the belief that our child would have a greater success rate in life if raised by two parents instead of one. So we refocused our attentions and basically grew up together in the sonogram room as we watched the tech move the wand over my lady's belly revealing the smallest person I had ever seen in my life. Listening to the baby's heartbeat caused a rare moment that saw two relatively immature people come together and instantly mature because they understood they needed to work together to handle the  circumstances staring them in the face. We both accepted that since we were bringing a baby into the world we would have to put aside our selfish desires and willingly support the child and each other...so it was then that we decided we would be a family...by any means necessary.

   So after being together for almost eight years we finally got married when she was six months pregnant. It was a trip because it wasn't until I said "I Do" that I realized I did. I did love her. I did want to spend my life with her. I had made the right decision. I was still a little ashamed that it took for us to get pregnant for me to accept those facts but we were married now and preparing for a new baby so happiness erased my shame. We happily awaited the debut of our child with youthful and nervous excitement. But deep into her third trimester complications started to arise and eventually forced our hand making an emergency c-section necessary to save both my wife and child. Have you ever heard someone say "I knew the moment I saw them I was in love."?! Well I have never been the one to believe in love at first sight and for good reason. But as it frequently does life found a way to humble me. Her effect on me was immediate and long lasting. It started from the first time I cradled her in my arms, held her little hand and gazed into her beautiful little face I knew that I was in love. She altered my whole life and forced a change upon me that I didn't believe was possible. My daughter's arrival into my world changed every plan I thought I had set in concrete and made me excited about becoming something I never desired or thought I would be fit to be...a father. However the birth of our daughter also brought the end of another life that I loved. The complications that plagued her mother's pregnancy didn't subside after the delivery.

   My wife would pass away in her sleep the morning of our discharge four days later. Unknown to the doctors a clot had moved from her leg into her brain. Because I was now going to have to raise our daughter alone I did my best to always be there for her. Even though she would never have the opportunity to grow up with her mother I promised her she would still have the love of two parents. So she grew and I was there for every moment. I held her hands as she took her first steps. Wiped her tears when she had her first fall. Helped her read her first book and ride her first 2 wheel bike. I made sure that whenever she needed me I was there and even when she didn't I was close by. My daughter gave me a new purpose and healthy zest for life so I did my best to make sure she lived a life that was as close to perfect as I could provide. So for the better part of 21 years I was fortunate to witness her grow from a precious tiny baby into an intelligent, beautiful young woman. And it was on the day of her college graduation ceremony that I remembered why I was more proud of her accomplishments than I was of my own. She had consistently worked so hard from such a young age that it seemed destined that she would complete the rare achievement of earning the title of Valedictorian for both her high school and college senior classes.

   So as I sat in the crowd surrounded by other parents and family members awaiting their own child's name to be called I was taken back to one of my favorite memories. It was of her preschool graduation and I remembered cheering so loudly when she walked the stage then. Even though she was just beginning her academic career she had flashed moments of brilliance so it made me hopeful for what was to come. I was witnessing full circle what I had already seen years before. I was proud beyond expression and the only pain that I felt was that her mother was not here to cheer her was well. On the way to her favorite restaurant to celebrate the end of one journey and the beginning of another tragedy struck our family again. An SUV driver not paying attention ran a stop sign and crashed head-on into the drivers side of my truck. The last memory I had was that of my baby cradling me in her arms, hold my hands, telling me to hold on. I awoke out of my coma six weeks later to find myself hooked up to machines and my daughter sleeping in a chair. I try to move and speak which sets off a series of alarms which draw enough attention that three or four people come running into the room. After being calmed down by my daughter and the nurses, the doctors were brought in to speak with me. I took the worst of the accident resulting in damaged internal organs and blood loss. After being told of what I survived and how long my complete recovery would take I also learned why the rumors and gossip among family and friends was always hushed and spoken in quiet corners. In an effort to save my life my daughter tried to donate blood and a kidney to me but was turned away at first because it was discovered that she wasn't biologically compatible because she was not my biological daughter.

   There are many times that we allow our emotions to override and erase our logic. And even though I never acted like the hushed discussions bothered me nor inquired with my wife if I was truly the father of her child, in the back of my mind I also wondered. But that curiosity was killed the day my daughter was born. It was clear now why the night before she died while holding our daughter she said to me..."no matter what happens between us promise me you will be a good father to her, because no matter what you ARE her father." I always thought it was her way of indirectly telling me the gossip was false and a way to get me to verbally commit to being there for the both of them. Weeks after I left the hospital I remember taking my daughter out to dinner on her 21st birthday day. While talking about my recover and her new promotion she just exploded into tears saying, "I still don't believe what they told me. You are the only father I have ever known!". Battling back my own tears I held her hands in my hands the same way I had done when she was an infant in my arms for the first time. I looked her in her mother's eyes and tell her without reservation..."YOU ARE MY DAUGHTER! And I am the only father that you will EVER need to know!" It was in that moment that we both found peace. It was a topic that we would never address again. I remember getting home that night and going through old pictures as a way to relive happy memories. It was one in particular that caused me to shed tears. It was a photo of my baby girl in her Pre-K graduation cap and gown. I was still proud of that little lady even though the truth of my paternity had been revealed. But at that moment then and in this moment now, it didn't matter because I wouldn't change or erase the beautiful memories and priceless time I had invested in her growth. I was proud of the young woman that I had raised, biological daughter or not, I didn't spend the last 21 years not a father. I spent the last two decades plus enjoying life as HER FATHER and I wouldn't trade that experience for all the gold and silver in the world.

"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring the greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

GOD DOES NOT EXIST

   It was the disruptive sound of activity that jarred me out of my sleep. So lazily I got up and went downstairs to check the source of the noise. As I walked through the living room I noticed the front door was slightly open and as I got close enough to investigate I heard a chilling voice say, "On your knees!" In a startled panic I immediately swung my fists toward the sound of the voice. Thinking I may have been in a dream haze of some sort I felt the cold chill of reality as my hands connected with a face. I had struck someone that was in my home, someone that was not supposed to be there. Going into full offensive mode I began pounding away on the intruder. I was still running on pure adrenaline and fear when I felt another body slam into me. In the dark of the room I struggled to see and comprehend what was happening. Then as I tried to rise to my feet I felt an excruciating kick to my face followed quickly by three more vicious kicks to my midsection. As the pain surged through my body I felt numerous pairs of hands pulling me up to my knees. I hear another voice say "everybody wants to be a hero." Then I heard a round being chambered and then I felt the cold steel of a barrel being pressed against my forehead. After all that had occurred in a brief span of no more than a couple of minutes I finally grasped what has happening. I had woken up in the middle of my home being robbed and was now about to pay the final price for trying to protect it and myself. I instinctively did what I had always done in my moments of trial and tribulations I prayed, but instead of guidance I prayed for God to save me. But it was in that moment that I finally realized a harsh truth...that every prayer including this one was falling and had always fell on the deaf ears of a spiritual being that wasn't the all knowing, all powerful, fate controlling being I had been taught to place my faith and trust into. It was almost comically tragic that the only visible item in the dark room I could make out was the picture of Jesus on the cross. But even in that despair of knowing I was alone, I still stubbornly waited for a divine intervention because habits are hard to break. So I made peace with myself because I knew God was not going to send one because he couldn't. I knew I was going to die and no amount of heart-felt prayers was going to change that and with that confirmation I accepted the fact that...God does not exist.

   Even though I had known her since elementary school she didn't cross my mind until much later in life. And I, never being one for cliches, never thought any more of her than the girl who lived two houses down, the one that would always come over to our house to play with my twin sister.  And perhaps it was because of this that I grew up seeing her as a little sister as well. But as it always does time has a way of changing things and things certainly did change for the both of us. So attribute it to puberty or God's plan but around the 9th grade I started to notice her more as a young woman than that clingy neighborhood girl that was always pestering me. Then the day happened when everything would change, our parents thought it would be cute if I was the one to escort her to the spring dance. It was that day that the spark between us would ignite a fire that would burn for a lifetime. As we progressed through high school I gathered the courage to ask her to be my date for our junior prom. She accepted and it was during our first dance that I fell in love with her and she in love with me. We would go on to date throughout the rest of high school and into college. It seemed Fate made us neighbors and friends but I also believed it was God's purpose to make us husband and wife. And on my 23rd birthday we would speak our vows of dedication in front of God, our family and friends. We would go on to spend 49 wonderful years together in marital bliss. It was on the eve of our 50th anniversary that everything we had built together would be torn apart. My beautiful partner at the young age of 72 would be diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer.  Her life was ripped apart and her declining health tore her away from my world in a matter of weeks, She became a shell of the woman that I had spent more than half of my life with and it broke my heart to watch her fade away. During the last days of her life I took her out of the hospital so that she could live out her life as comfortable as possible at home. It broke my spirit knowing that she would never experience another healthy day. It crushed my soul trying to accept that I would have to continue living without her and that realization hurt more than the greatest pain imaginable. So it was in the end as I held my wife's hand whispering I loved her into her ear that I said one last prayer asking God to save her but I knew he wouldn't because he hadn't answered a single prayer from my our kids, family, friends nor myself since she had been given her death sentence to make her better. So as the life faded from of her beautiful face so did my faith in God because I knew that it was a waste to pray and believe because I was seeing living proof that...God does not exist.

   My wife and I are what many of our family and friends called late bloomers, as we didn't have children until we were well into our 40's. We had tried everything from ovulation schedules to invitro. But we could not bear children. So that made us pray even harder, we prayed so much our knees were scarred. It seemed that our prayers went unanswered until that eventful day when my wife called me screaming and crying at work. She had took a test because her period was late and the test results said she was pregnant. We immediately scheduled an appointment with the doctor and she confirmed the greatest desires of our hearts. I thanked God because it seemed our faithfulness was finally being rewarded. As the weeks turned to months we learned we were going to be the parents of not one baby, not even two babies but to three babies! Talk about an abundance of blessings! Our first time as parents and we would be parents of naturally conceived triplets. We welcomed our babies, two boys and a baby girl into the world with arms wide open. We recorded every moment we could. Snapped pictures of every memory we wanted to treasure. We were as happy as we had ever been. But like the saying goes all good things must come to an end and it seemed like that after all we had endured our happiness wasn't destined to last. We were great parents and did everything in our power to provide the best for our kids but there are somethings in life that you will never be able to prevent or protect against. It was the last day of school and my wife and I went to pick the kids up from school so we could begin our much anticipated and deserved family vacation. The truck was packed and the luggage was loaded. So that night we all slept so we would be well rested for the six hour road trip. The next morning we all ate and talked about how much fun the road trip would be. About 2 hours into the trip our lives would forever be damaged. A drunk driver driving the wrong way on the interstate collided with another vehicle causing a chain reaction that claimed the lives of other motorists including our children who were immediately killed when a car slammed into the side of our truck causing it to flip and roll down an embankment. Years of great memories that I had were suddenly replaced with the image of three little caskets and my wife sobbing uncontrollably as our children were carried out of the church and placed into hearses. As we watched our babies lowered into the dirt I found myself thinking how impossible it was to accept that this was part of God's divine plan. I just couldn't understand why this HAD to happen and what was the reason for it. Why after so many years of struggling to have children, would he seemingly bless us with children then allow us to experience the joy they brought into our lives, then after less than 6 years why, WHY would God cruelly take them away from us?! And as if my wife was thinking the same thoughts she spoke the words that were heavy on my heart. And in all truth I couldn't find any reason to dispute her statement because I knew in my soul she was correct when she said through her tears, "This isn't right. They didn't deserve this...God does not exist."

"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring the greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

ME CHEATING DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T LOVE YOU

"You cannot say I don't love you, just because I cheat on you. Because you don't see all I do to keep you from knowing the things I do." - John Legend, Number One

   In some circles I could be considered a bit promiscuous some jealous folks sometimes have even been bold enough to refer to me as a hoe, but trust me, I am far from either label. I am just a woman that knows what she wants and when she wants it. And the thing that I happen to want a lot of is sex. Pure, unattached, and unemotional sex. I have always been very selective in the men that I had interactions with. And I was always attracted to and desired a very specific type of man. And that allure caused me to get into some dare I say questionable positions. For as long as I care to remember I have craved the attention and feel of older men. It had been that way since my early 20's and then it just exploded as I got older. My desires of the flesh eventually lead me to being involved with married men who were tired of the wives they were going home to every night. It was wrong I know but again the pull was too great to resist. One man in particular was my favorite. So when the affair began to spiral into a relationship that I was not willing to partake in I had to check him before it got beyond my control. So as I do when I tire of a man and his issues I find another toy to play with to show them how replaceable they are. I swear the look on his face was priceless when he showed up at my place and my new flavor of the month opened the door. There he stood with a look of shock on his face damn near about to cry. He mumbles to me "I thought what we had was special. I thought you loved me." And since he gave me too many lavish gifts and the sex was great I didn't want him to leave the team just yet, so I calmed him down and reassured him with a simple phrase that has worked well for me during my adventures...I told him "me cheating doesn't mean I don't love you."


   I love being a man! Especially when it comes to being sexual. I can bang as many women as I want with little to no drama. Because unlike the lames that cause problems for themselves I am always up front and honest about my moves and motives. I tell every woman I am about to bed that I am and will always be addicted to the thrill of being with more than one woman. Now some of the chicks I get involved with at first can handle it but then catch feelings and get all crazy possessive and violent and when that happens I drop them broads like heavy bricks. But the true gems are the ladies that accept and respect my lifestyle. They are the epitome of a loyal side piece. When I text or call at 3am cause I want some action their door is always open and their bed is always warm. I have had chicks drive hours to see me just because they needed some of my earth shaking loving! I have even told some of them I love them and it's not a lie I do love them...I LOVE HAVING SEX WITH THEM HAHAHAHAHAHA! Sometimes it's sad to see how addicted these women can get. They will scramble to get babysitters, call out sick from work, spend the money their boyfriends, husbands and kid's fathers have given them. It's crazy man but hey that's what they want so I give them my best. One of my favorite girls is totally gone. She wants to be my only one so bad but hates so much that I hump other chicks. The other night she came to my house in tears shaking and acting like her heart was breaking in her hands. She tells me she couldn't take sharing me anymore knowing I was hitting the sheets with other females. She actually told me she wanted me to stop seeing other women. But because she had the bomb bomb I had to hit her with my pot of gold saying. And when I did she killed that crazy talk and her panties dropped at the same time...I  told her "me cheating doesn't mean that I doesn't love you."

  We have been married for about 7 years and I haven't been faithful for 1 day. I have tried to be a one partner person but I just can't. I can't change what I am. Call me addicted to sex or addicted to variety but whatever the reason I just can't settle and be chained to one partner for the rest of my life. So why get married you ask?! Well the truth is rather simple if you think about it. It was due to the pressures of expectations. Everyone expects you to get married and have kids and live the happily ever after. But what they don't expect is for you to have multiple partners. Society frowns on you when you enjoy sex with different people. They will call you a whore, a pimp and so many other insulting names it's not even funny. My partner knew before the "I Do's" how I was and they accepted that if they wanted me they would have to accept me and all that I was. So the vows were spoken and the understanding was had. So as the years passed and I had my affairs, discreetly of course because we both had images to maintain with no issue. And everything was sweet as sugar and our agreement wasn't a problem until having children came up. WTF to that right?! Apparently having kids required more devotion and a cleaner facade but I wasn't ready to give up my other partners just to follow and conform to what is expected instead of what I wanted. So one late night as I was returning home from one of my meetings I was told that I had to choose. Decide who was more important them or the others. And because I did have an image to maintain with my family, friends, coworkers and such I couldn't risk a separation or divorce so I spoke the words that have always worked for me when my paradise was in jeopardy, I said..."me cheating doesn't mean that I doesn't love you."


"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring the greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

@$%+ MARRIAGE!!!

Mar·riage
noun: marriage; plural noun: marriages
1. the formal union of a man and a woman, typically recognized by law, by which they become husband and wife; a relationship between a man and woman or between two persons of the same sex.
2.  a combination or mixture of two or more compatible elements.

   I would always ask myself growing up, if this is what marriage is all about then...WHY THE HELL would ever I want to get married?! Because through my eyes getting married had to be probably the WORST DECISION a person could ever make in their entire life! So as I grew into manhood my thoughts on marriage were simple...FUCK MARRIAGE. Kind of harsh right?! Yeah maybe...but let me share my story with you before you judge my views on the subject. As a young boy I witnessed up close and personal exactly how fucked up the institution of marriage was. My sister and I watched daily how our mother would relentlessly beat the shit out of my dad both verbally and physically. In short she was a HORRIBLE wife and a mediocre mother at best. Now it wasn't that she was completely evil because she did have her moments of good but she had many demons that she couldn't outrun or live down and she took that out on my father. My dad was a quiet peace keeper that some might have confused as being a coward but he wasn't a punk because he never hesitated to display his immense courage and strength when it mattered. But his problem was that he was too soft of a man when it came to my mother.

   He rarely checked my mother when she would go ape shit. I believe that was because he was so blinded by his love and attraction to her that he constantly accepted her treatment of him believing that was just how she expressed her love for him...fucked up right?! I know but allow me to continue! He absorbed every insult, every cuss word, every push and every punch. ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING she threw at him he took it with his chest out and his face twisted into a smile. To his credit the only time he would stand up to my mother was when she tried to fuck with us the way she fucked with him. It was always in those moments that he never hesitated to defend my sister and I. If she started to berate us he would become the barrier to shield and separate us from her, whether we were right or wrong he defended us against her type of "love" and discipline. And in hindsight it was his unwavering protection of us that made him the target and the sole recipient of her aggressive tendencies. Growing up as children you seem to accept everything without question until you learn better. So it would be that way until I learned much later in my young adulthood that my parent's marriage wasn't "normal".

   When I left home to for college I ended up attending a school a couple of states away in the same general location where my grandparents lived so I would often visit them since they were so close. At first it was funny to hear my grandma call my grandpops an "old piece of worthless shit" or see her strike him across his legs with her cane. But then as I witnessed it happen more frequently I became ashamed to see my grandmother treating my grandfather that way and I would find myself intervening to protect him from her abuse. I soon realized that the reason the behavior bothered me and seemed so familiar was that I had seen it growing up. It was the same way my mother treated my father! WHAT. THE. FUCK!!! It all made sense! Things were now clear as Crystal. My dad was the by product of this horrible environment, collateral damage caught up in this ridiculous example of a marriage. He grew up having to watch his own mother verbally and physically abuse his father and he witnessed first hand the toxic union that my grandparents had.So when he married he allowed the relationship he shared with my mother to mirror the one he grew up with watching his parents.

   Truth is it was some really sad heart wrenching shit to accept because it was like finding out your black great-great-grandparents who worked on the Underground Railroad also owned black slaves. The revelation wasn't all bad though because I was glad to learn that my dad's acceptance of my mom's behavior wasn't random. He didn't stay with her for all this time just because he was fucked up from being stupid in love. He had learned to see that type of "love" as normal because it was damn near programmed into his head since he was a young boy himself so that love was all he knew. It's a trip because when we were little kids my pops would always say it wasn't mommy but the "drinks" that made her so tempermental. He always excused her behaviors and made it seem that she couldn't control her actions. When in essence it was he that couldn't control his actions. He couldn't control being attracted to and falling in love with a mean ass woman like my mom. He had never learned that love didn't hurt, never been taught that a marriage wasn't supposed to be miserable. He put himself in harm's way so that his kids could have a safe Haven growing up and I appreciate that but his actions always made me question how much of your own happiness should you have to sacrifice, because you love someone?!

   And even though we made it into adulthood virtually unaffected by their issues I was still scared by what I witnessed coming up. Paranoid that I would become my father or worse that my sister would become my mother. There is a quote I read in a book once that said, "the sins of the father falls on the son." So for a while I believed that I was destined and doomed to follow in my grandfather's and father's footsteps. Which would see me meet, marry and have kids with a dreadful woman who would treat me like shit. But you know what I said to myself...FUCK THAT!!! Because I also read a quote that says "talent tends to skip a generation." So in order to prevent my own kids from reliving my childhood or myself endure my father's and grandpops' marriage woes I vowed to NEVER get married. Because I figured out the key to a happy marriage is two fold...either you avoid marrying an asshole (which isn't guaranteed one way or the other) or you don't marry at all. I know it sounds extreme but fuck, what else am I gonna do?! I would rather raise my kids alone or have a lifetime live in girlfriend than find myself condemned by law after I say "I do". I refuse to be bound to a crazy bitch that will make me less of a man for the reminder of my life. Say what you want, judge all you can but I found a way to break the cycle, I know what must be done! No golden diamond encrusted mini ring cuffs for me EVER. I saw what getting married did to my grandpops and father so I have chosen not to go out that way...that's why I will always be like FUCK MARRIAGE!!!

 "Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring the greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

CONFESSIONS OF A BAD FATHER

 

   If I can be honest for a moment I want to share something that I have only said to myself and to the Lord if he was listening...I NEVER wanted children. I never wanted to have any little person of any gender calling me daddy. It just wasn't in my plans. In fact it wasn't even in my genes. My dad and mom were both rolling stones. My pops split before I was born and my mom gave me up for adoption soon after dropping me. So the concept of being a family man was a foreign thing to me and since I never experienced what being a part of a family meant I had no desire to have one. Growing up in the foster care system because I moved from group home to group home made me hard. And as I got older I became colder until eventually I was emotionally closed off from people. My only concern in life was my own self-preservation and the only person I cared about was me. End of story. Fast forward a couple of decades and I find myself at a crossroads and it all began with a passing glance. I was standing at the counter paying for my items when I saw the most beautiful example of a woman that my eyes had ever focused on. Now I can't say it was love at first sight but it damn sure was lust at the earliest notice. She was the definition of perfection and I don't know if it was the curve of her hips or the bust of her breasts or the focused look on her face as she settled down at the back of the coffee shop to read her book but whatever she had that commanded my attention...made me desperately want more of it and her!

   So our courtship began with an introduction and a simple hello. The mental and physical attraction was intense and immediate for the both of us and that magnetic pull resulted in a GLORIOUS one night stand. Truth is I had never been in love or felt the immense longing to be with a woman or any other person for that matter like I felt with her but after spending the first of what would be many nights in her presence that was all it took for me to know that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. So five and a half years later we were married. For the first time in my life I had someone that loved me. For the first time in my life I had someone that I loved. And for the first in my life I was happy. Then one night about seven months into our marriage it all seemed to come crashing down. My lady walks up behind me while I was washing dishes, hugs my back while caressing my chest and kisses my neck which was the unspoken signal that it was time to play! As I turn to face her she looks me deep in the eyes and she kisses my face. She leans up to my ear and gently whispers the words that I knew might one day come but desperately dreaded..."I want to have your baby." To any other man that would have possibly been the greatest thing he could hear from the woman he loved and cherished. But to me it was the equivalent to being betrayed by the closest friend, like finding out that Jesus was partners with Satan. Time passed and I did all I could to sabotage my wife's desire to be a mother and to prevent my entry into fatherhood. I did everything short of getting a vasectomy but as life always does it found a way.

   That day eventually came two years later in the form of a positive pregnancy test. My wife was beyond elated while I was severely deflated. But because I deeply loved her I put on my best face when I accompanied her to her ultrasounds. I smiled my best smile when she asked me to feel the babies' kick. I kept my voice filled with joy when we discussed the future arrival of our kids. Even with all the disappointment in my heart about having a family I actually held out hope that watching my twin girls come into this world would be the catalyst that would change my feelings about being a father. But their arrival did little to sway me. It actually made me despise the idea of being a father even more. I resented them the moment they were in my arms as I watched them open their eyes and listened to them breathe their first breathes. I hated them for what they had done to my perfect little life. I hated how much my wife and everyone else always talked about them. I hated rocking them to sleep and wiping shit off their butts ever fucking hour. I hated EVERY moment of every single day of being a father. I tried my best to be excited when they smiled the first smiles, when they spoke their first words and took their first steps but I just couldn't. Because their existence reminded me every day of what could have been and what I was missing out on. It got to be so much that one night I stood in the middle of their room and contemplated doing what my mom and dad did to me...just leave the house and never come back. But I didn't because my loyalty was to my wife so instead I sulked in silence and drowned my time and thoughts into my work, sports and anything else that I could find to distract me.

   I accepted my fate. I believed I was sentenced to suffer in the worst possible way I could imagine...living my life as someone I desperately didn't want to be and that made me hate our children even more for forcing me to accept that reality. It wasn't until after the twins 3rd birthday party that I realized that I had finally endured enough. I convinced myself that I would not waste another day in this place of mental torture. I would become the rolling stone that I long desired to be. So I waited until the house was quite and everyone was sleeping. I gave my wife a good bye kiss and slowly crept out of our bed. I took the packed bag out of the closet and made my way to the back door. I told myself I was doing the right thing by leaving because the veil of my unhappiness would eventually be lifted and that I would cause more suffering if I stayed growing more bitter. And even though I would miss my wife I knew she would be OK because she was strong and she would be a much better parent to the twins then I could ever be. So I turned to leave. As I opened the back door I experienced a divine intervention that ultimately changed my life. I was half through the door with my bag slung over my shoulder when I felt the slightest tug on my shirt which made me immediately freeze. In the faint light of the moon being cast through the door frame I made out the silhouette of two small girls. Our oldest daughter pulls on my shirt again and asks "daddy where are you going?!", followed closely by another question from her baby sister "daddy can we go with you?!" Perhaps it was the innocence of my offspring inquiring about where I was headed that forced me into a moment of clarity or just the shame of being caught trying to run away but whatever it was it caused me to step back into the house. I closed the door and placed my bag on the counter. I turned on the light so they could see my face. Their questions deserved answers, I owed them that much. But as I searched for a response I realized that I didn't have an answer to give them.

   The few seconds that they were standing there looking at me felt like days so I sat down because my confusion about how to answer them was causing me to feel lightheaded. And as I pondered how to tell them that I was leaving they climbed into my lap and just laid their little heads against my chest. They put their tiny hands into mine and for the first time in my life I was really seeing them. I held them closer and rocked them gently in my lap. It wasn't until that very moment that I accepted that I was not my father nor my mother. I was not a rolling stone. I was a family man. For the first time since their mother told me she was carrying them I knew that I wanted to be their father. It was in that moment of pure revelation that I did something that I had never remembered doing before, I cried. I cried so hard that it hurt my throat and chest. I cried so deep that it made my baby girls cry too. I cried so strongly that it woke my wife who saw us, said nothing, sat down beside us and cried too. That night I realized that my children were what I always wanted and needed but never knew. My wife and daughters, MY FAMILY made my life worth living. I had wasted almost four years hating our children and not appreciating all their milestones and wasting the precious memories that make the struggle of parenthood worth it. It is damn near tragic how I almost intentionally abandoned the best experience my life had every known. But as life would have it, I stopped short of destroying my own peace. I have made amends with myself which allowed  me to rededicate myself to being a father. Now I spend every moment with my girls who are growing up grand as if it is our last days together. I appreciate my wife more every day for bringing them into this world. Yes I never wanted to have kids and I never desired to be a parent but I am grateful that I am. I learned I have a greater purpose because I am a father. Now I know the true meaning of happiness because I have a family. These are my thoughts, the confessions of a bad father...who actually transformed into a pretty good one.

"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring the greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

I HATE My FATHER For BETRAYING My MOTHER

   If there was one person in the world that I respected more than anybody it was my father. To me he was the DEFINITION of a man. He worked hard, provided for and spent time with his kids and he treated my mother as if she was the only woman in the world. It was this devotion to her that made me respect him above everything else. So when I got married and had kids of my own I patterned myself after him. I applied the lessons he had taught me over the years to my own life. It was to him, that I owed my success as a husband and father to. So when it was revealed that he wasn't who I believed him to be, to say I was hurt does not do my feelings justice. There's a reason why you don't place people in your life on pedestals, it's because when they fall off of them...they fall down HARD on top of you! Crushing every word of high praise you ever spoke and smothering the life out of every single bit of respect you carried in your heart for them.

   My moment of clarity came in the form of a passing glance. I was out of town for a conference one weekend and decided I would go for a late night run to shake the stress of the earlier meetings off. While running on the cities' downtown streets I caught a glimpse of a couple locked in a lover's embrace sharing more than a couple of passionate kisses. It made me think of my wife and reminded me to call her once I got back to the hotel. By the time I had got closer to them they had already began walking again, strolling hand in hand quietly whispering and laughing to each other. As I passed them from behind I politely said "thank you" as they made space for me on the sidewalk to squeeze by. The man spoke to me, saying "No problem young blood." The spoken phrase as well as the voice was so familiar that it stopped me cold in my tracks so suddenly that I nearly tripped over my feet. As if in complete disbelief of what I had just heard I turned to face the couple to confirm with my eyes what my ears and heart had already knew to be true. Even in the moonlight bathed night sky I could clearly recognize the man's face. It was a face that I seen so many times in my life that I could have drawn it from memory.

   And it was seeing the man's face that my heart was immediately broken. Two states away on a street I had never been on I was standing in front of someone one so familiar it hurt. The face belonged to my father. And as our eyes made contact I knew without a doubt that my life would never be the same. In life we learn that sometimes the burden of knowing costs more than the bliss of ignorance. And it was one of those moments that I wished I had not experienced. I had just witnessed the man that I loved and revered above all become the man that I always despised and prayed I would never become...an unfaithful husband. After damn near 40 years of marriage this bastard had the balls to creep around on his wife, MY MOTHER. As I stood there facing him and his mistress I felt a pain swell in my chest that was equaled only by my rising anger. For the first time ever...I felt hate. A seething and painful hatred toward someone that I had loved so much. The words that finally escaped my mouth will probably be forever lost in the deepest parts of my memory because all I will recall is the rage that only comes with the feelings of pure betrayal.

   The greatest hero in my world had just revealed himself to be in fact the most sinister of villains. And it was on the way back to the hotel that I was forced to face how in the hell I was going to handle the information that I had just received. How would I tell my wife, my siblings and my mother what I had saw with my own two eyes. My idol. My example. My father had just committed the most unthinkable...unimaginable act of violation in my book. And now he had forced me into becoming a bigger villain than he was. Because it would be me who would sooner or later have to reveal his affair. I would be the one that would crush every one's image of the great man we all loved and respected. Nothing from that moment on would be simply black or white. Because what do you say when you know telling the truth will cause nothing but pain. I accepted the harsh but true fact...that everyone is flawed especially your heroes I also accepted another truth...that I hate my father for what I accidentally witnessed. I hate him for living a lie. I hate him for abandoning his vows and his marriage. I hate my father for betraying my mother...but most of all I hate my father for betraying me.

"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring the greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

I AM NOT A BABY'S DADDY!!!

 
   The other day, I was on the phone with my wife trying to follow her instructions to prepare dinner and as we were talking my attention is taken away from her by hearing my oldest son yelling for me to come to him. I immediately dropped the phone and ran upstairs to his room. As I skip the steps three at a time my heart is pounding like a drum. When I get there I see my oldest son and his two younger brothers standing over their baby sister who is motionless and lying face down on the floor. I rush to her side and as I turn her over I can hear myself screaming at them "Call 911!!! WHAT HAPPENED TO HER?! WHAT HAPPENED TO HER?!! As I check to see if she is breathing she opens her eyes and says to me in her sweet and innocent voice, "I'm OK daddy! We just wanted to play a trick on you! I'm OK really I am!" I hold her in my arms and just begin to rock her.
 
   My boys come closer to me and I bear hug them all. My youngest boy wipes the tears from my cheeks that I didn't even know were there and says, "Sorry daddy we didn't mean to scare you." I look at him and say, "I know it's alright." I look at his older brother, their gang leader and say to him "Well played young sir! Ya'll got me good this time huh?!" He smiles and before he can run, because he knows what's coming next, I grab him and turn him upside and shake him while he and his siblings laugh and try to help him get out of my grasp. We all laugh as I chase them around the house for a minute before I leave them to play amongst themselves so that I can call their mother back so she doesn't suffer the same heart attack that I almost did.

   It is moments like these spent with my kids that make me realize how important they are to my life. I do everything possible to give my wife and our children a good life. So I take it really personal when men especially brown men are labeled as being "absentee", "bad" and my least favorite "dead-beat" dads. I am not the exception because I along with millions of other men are EXCELLENT FATHERS. We are the example of what devoted fathers look like. Now granted there are numerous men that abandon their children and their responsibilities when it comes to caring for their kids and THEY. AREN'T. SHIT!!! But for every one man that does neglect his seeds there are 1000's more men that are a constant presence in the lives of their offspring. We are brown and beige. We are single and married. We are gay and straight. We are poor and rich. We are old and young. We are first timers and we are seasoned veterans. We are coaches on the sidelines and princess tea party VIP's. We are a force that doesn't get the positive attention but it's time we are awarded the recognition that we deserve.

  As with many things in this world it is the negative that draws the headlines but we are not focusing on the negative we are highlighting the positive work that men across the globe and across the stretches of time have been doing since our creation. Fathers will never be held in the same regard as mothers and that is how it is supposed to be because mothers are truly special. But the fact that seems to always be overshadowed is what the father means to the family dynamic. We are the providers and protectors regardless if we are company presidents or stay at home dads. As fathers we are important and we are needed. So whenever I hear the term "baby daddy" I instantly get offended and sick because a man who fulfills his God given duty to raise his family should not be reduced to a horrible slang term. That is why I loudly and proudly proclaim for myself and for all the other millions of men to whom it applies to that...

"I AM NOT A BABY'S DADDY...I AM FATHER!!!"

"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring greatness out of those around them." - TWIL