I started to create another chapter using fictional characters to deliver a message, but as our young daughter sits in my lap mashing keys and telling me it's time to go play I had to stop and come back after she was asleep. And as I often do why she sleeps I admire her and thank God for trusting us to care for her. So I decided that this chapter should be a little more personal than my normal entries. So open your hearts and minds as I share my story with you. Current days are called the present because they bring gifts. On May 25th, 2008 a gift like no other was given to my wife and I. We learned that we would become parents. As you can imagine there was much to celebrate. We had been together for about seven years and had been married for almost two. We had spoken just days before about planning for parenthood. Our decided plan was that we would not be the couple that scheduled prime conception times or took fertility drugs we would leave it in God's hands. We would be a mother and father when he said so. Amazing thing about the way the good Lord works because I swear he must have standing by our bedside that day and said "Whelp now seems like a good time...POPULATE!" HAHAHAHAHA or something to that degree. Days later we were patiently waiting for lines to appear and the sheer joy of that confirmation of life was overwhelming. My wife suddenly became more attractive, brilliant, sexy and desirable to me. She was going to deliver our child into the world. She was going to birth my baby...yes MY BABY. More first reaction was youthful excitement. A feeling of happiness that I had never experienced before. But as I watched my beautiful wife sleep that night I felt fear creep into my mind, a fear of failure. For the first time in my young life I would be responsible for providing total care to another person. Even though I was married and committed to providing for my wife, she never depended on me for her total care. But in less than a year a little version of myself would be completely reliant on me to survive life. As those thoughts of doubts began to flood my mind I panicked. I began thinking that I didn't want the responsibility. I didn't want the burden. I didn't want to know that fear of failing. I began to think of all the ways I could destroy the baby's life. What would happen if I wasn't able to give the child the attention and love that they required. What happened if the stress of being a father become to much and I abandoned my child the same way my biological father did me. I was flipping out...playing out every bad scenario my worried mind could conceive.
Then something marvelous occurred. I had a moment of clarity, a vision. A small preview of a future that had not yet occurred. I was looking down upon a small child wrapped in a blanket. I was cradling in my arms a tiny baby that shared my face. It was that vision that made me realize that even though I may not have been ready to accept the task of being a father I was already equipped to be one. I had trained for this position with every time I baby-sat my nieces, nephews and cousins. I had already attained the knowledge first hand to protect and provide. I may not have been ready to go to work but the tools I needed to complete the job were already in my grasp. Now the time had come for me to apply that knowledge and experience to raise up my own child. And just as quickly as I had been pulled down into despair I was raised up with encouragement. My worries rapidly faded. I no longer feared failing, I welcomed the responsibility. I took it as a challenge to be better than my father was to me. I made up my mind that despite the obstacles of parenthood that I would be a great father, because our child deserved nothing less. So with that mindset I began grooming myself to excel at the most important job I would ever have in my life...being a father. With God's grace we welcomed and celebrated our daughter's arrival into the world that following January. This time my vision of a future that had yet to come was a present moment captured forever in my heart and spirit. I held her as she slept in my arms. I looked down upon my face without looking into a mirror. Thankfully our daughter made it easy for us to adapt as parents. As an infant she wasn't a needy baby she only cried when she wanted food, needed a change or wanted to be held. We excitedly witnessed her development and were astonished early on by how intelligent she was. As she grew into a toddler, she exhibited great problem solving skills and a strong sense of stubbornness. Stubbornness in the manner that she would not be denied what she wanted. She knew how to positively manipulate us and others. She also had a fearless spirit. Even when she hurt herself trying something new, she would cry but minutes later actively find another way to do it again this time minus the pain. She conquered every obstacle and surpassed every goal from walking to talking.
We graciously applaud her accomplishments and encourage her to apply her skills to make the world around her more suitable to her comforts. I will be honest because I am not ashamed to admit that I have learned more as person and as man being her father than I learned through many years of higher education and professional training. Our baby girl taught me the intangibles of living. She taught me how to truly enjoy every moment of life. She makes me want to better myself, because with every victory SHE has it focuses ME to achieve more personally. Even now as a bright three-year-old, she is so adamant about doing things for herself without us assisting her. She refuses to be helped because she wants to prove to us and herself that she can do anything she focuses on. That lesson among many others is why I enjoy her company and ultimately believe that she was chosen and custom created to be born through us. Her greatness continues to grow and it inspires us to be great too. She is very proud to be our "strong smart pretty princess" and we are proud to be her parents. I guess it probably will always be this way because that's the Circle Of Life, the child surpassing the parent. But even though I am decades her senior she still takes me to school daily. It's crazy because when she was born I thought she would always need me to do things and be there for her. But as it turns out, I had incorrectly assigned our roles. It is actually me that will always need her. I needed her then to focus my talents and restore my faith in my abilities. I needed her to re-teach me how to take advantage of the time I have to enjoy randomly moments by laughing and dancing. I needed her to have someone to watch over and be proud of. I needed someone to help me in my development as a man. She met all my needs in a way I never imagined was possible. Truth is, I need our daughter more than she needs me...and I'm alright with that.
Be Safe. Be Blessed.
TWIL
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