DADDY'S SMART STRONG PRETTY GIRL

 

   10:56 AM. Saturday morning. January 31, 2009. I witnessed you fight for your place in this world. The doctors and nurses were in a professional panic trying to free the umbilical cord from around your neck so that you could breathe your first breathes. I watched as a doctor pulled you out of your mother's womb, severing the cord that for 9 months was giving you life but as you attempted to exit through the birth canal was attempting to rob you of it. I saw a nurse rush you over to a nearby table and then suddenly you were surrounded. My heart dropped a little because there was only the deafening audio of quiet whispers as they attended to you. Then that's when I heard the sound of a miracle. I listened attentively as your voice filled the delivery room with cries of life, the cries of a victorious fighter. I breathed a thank you prayer to the Lord. I thanked him for bringing you to us while simultaneously keeping your mother safe through the process.

    I huddled behind the nurses as they cleaned your tiny wriggly body. I witnessed them gently wrap you in blankets and cover your head with a white and pink hat. I took so many pictures and videos of you during the first 10 minutes of your life one would have thought I was the paparazzi and you were a world wide celebrity. But to those that didn't know this was the moment I had dreamed of for years. So yes I did feel like that fan who had finally had been awarded the opportunity to meet his favorite star. I was basking in the light of your glory. Since May of 2008 I had felt your kicks. I had seen your sonograms. I had heard your heart beats. But nothing compared to the moment when I first held you in my arms and cradled you against my chest. I walked you over to your mother who was out of it (thanks to the medications administered for your emergency surgery) yet even in a haze she smiled, kissed you softly and held you because she too was living out a dream. Our baby girl was finally here! It has been 5 years since that day and your celebrity status to us has never been higher. We are amazed and entertained daily by the charisma you have and share with us.

   It is as if the good Lord took everything, the good and bad that we both have, and all of the traits that your siblings who came before would have possessed and combined them to create you, a super version of an awesome child, a child that we are privileged to call our daughter. Your increasing intelligence and beauty is remarkable and it is only out shined by the pure goodness of your heart. Your life journey is exciting to witness because of all you have already accomplished in the short time that you have been with us.  To watch you growing up so grandly is such a blessing that we do not any moment we spend with you for granted. We are encouraged by your daily progress and we patiently wait to see what other marvels you will share with us in time. I just ask Haven that as you continue to grow up that you remain humble and good spirited. Don't let the world hide or take away that divine spark you wear on your face every day...your smile. Please know that no matter how far you go or how old you get, it does not matter what happens in your life...we will always be here for you. And even if you marry or have kids of your own you will always be able to count on another fact....YOU WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR DADDY'S SMART STRONG PRETTY GIRL. So today I am screaming loudly to anyone that dares to listen...

BLESSED 5TH BIRTHDAY HAVEN NICOLE!!!
 

                        
MOMMY AND DADDY LOVE YOU DEARLY!!!


"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring out the greatness...in those around them." - TWIL

YOU GAVE YOUR LOVE...SO I GAVE MY HEART

   I don't like to use the words HATE and BITCH...but maaan after 15 years of being with her I can honestly say with all my heart...I HATE THAT BITCH!!! Now I know you're saying geez that's a little harsh aint it?! And to those that don't know the story and back history yes it may seem harsh but it is true. I hate that bitch and that bitch hate me, probably more that I hate her. But it wasn't always like this. Actually there was a time when both of us were so deep in love with each other that I never imagined we would ever be able to surface. But time has an uncanny way of revealing the true nature of people and the feelings you have about them. I think it first began with the birth of our son. I started to notice how she treated me more as a personal object to control instead of her partner in marriage and parenthood. By the time our fourth child was born she had mutated into a jealousy filled raging monster the likes of which I had never seen. So eventually her temper and paranoid delusions became so great that I had to devise an escape. So the process of gaining my freedom from her rage began. We fought in and out of the courts for two and a half years. We fought over EVERYTHING from the silverware to the lawn furniture. It was an ugly affair but after the bombs had finished falling and the love we had shared was decimated our marriage was divorced and we were finally separated. I think her anger turned to hate the day the judge asked us about what we planned to do about the custody of our children. See even though she would flip the fuck out on me she was so sweet and gentle to our kids. I never doubted the care they received in her presence.  But during a divorce, shit gets real and you are forced to play hard ball.

  You see because she was such a phenomenal mother they only card I had to play was our career paths. I had so much flexibility when it came to my job. I could leave my office if someone needed to pick the kids up from school or work from home if they were sick and couldn't go. My wife worked in a fast paced environment so taking any time off from her career required planning months in advance. But we lived together so it all worked out but now we were splitting up and what was once a compromise became an advantage. So I told the judge "she is crazy as hell your honor but only towards me. She has always been an excellent mother but because of her job I believe I would be able to maintain the home life the children have grown up with and become accustomed to." He agreed with me and granted us joint custody with the exception that the kids would live with me during the school year. And because I had the kids I was also awarded spousal support. Case closed! Battle won! But unfortunately the war was just beginning and so was the hate that I would eventually harbor for the woman I once loved. So she moved out of our house but leaving the kids was too much for her and she spazed. She attacked me in a rage the night she came to get the last of her belongings. She ended up stabbing me in the arm with a letter opener. I thought I finally had the proof that this chick was bananas. Because every other time she showed her ass she never did it around the kids or other people so when I would complain to folks that she was a classic psycho they never believed me. She was a master at preplanned crazy, a classic manipulator. She knew the kids were at my mother's house that night so she could go full crazy on me without traumatizing the babies or blowing the facade she kept up as a normal person. She told the judge it was just "temporary insanity" because of all that had transpired with the divorce and moving out. Of course her lawyer played the heart broken mother card and the judge bought it. I knew it was bullshit but had to take the L.

   Fast-forward five years into the divorce and our mutual hate has become a beautiful thing but as always we hid it well from the kids. I think that was the best thing about the love we had it carried over so that we were ALWAYS civil for their sake. We never cussed, fought or bad mouthed each other in their presence but maaan hahahahahaha if you could've read our text messages or heard our late night conversations it was like night and day. It was clear and evident that I HATED THAT BITCH and that BITCH HATED ME!!! But it is true that LOVE is more powerful than any emotion including hate. One day my ex-wife asked to come over. As much as I despised her presence I always felt compelled to gave her an audience. Hell she brought our kids into this world and was a great mother so for those two reasons alone I would always be indebted to her. So I welcomed her and gave her my undivided attention. She told me that night she had learned that her heart was giving out on her. She was becoming weaker every day and the doctors told her that she would die within the year if she didn't get a heart transplant. She wanted me to know that she never meant for our life together to end the opposite way it had began. She was basically telling me she was dying and was asking me to forgive her. She wanted to be a complete family again before death took her away. My first thought was BULLSHIT!!! Because she was so talented at playing me I just figured it was another plan to fuck with me. I gave her the textbook "we will see" speech and sent her crying ass on her way. Because this was a new tactic I decided to do my own investigations instead of accepting or dismissing the information she had just presented to me. So I confirmed with her father that what she had told me was the gospel truth. As crazy as it sounds and as much as I couldn't stand her, it broke my heart to know that my ex-wife, the greatest mother my kids will ever know had only months left to live. And after much deep thought and against every fiber in my mind I allowed her to come back home. We were going to be a family again.

   Weeks past without incident and I admit it was an awesome feeling having her back home. One night I came home from work to find the kids had all piled in our bed like they use to do and were watching a movie. My ex-wife was in the center and for the first time in many years I didn't see the vindictive woman that had made a living making my life hell but I saw the woman that I fell in love with. And it was that vision that proved that LOVE can conquer all. The next morning I consulted with my good friend who was a Cardio-surgeon. I asked him to pull some strings to see if he could bump my ex-wife up the list for a transplant. After much work he informed me that there was nothing he could do because hearts were so rare to acquire for transplants. Needless to say I was devastated. I kept thinking about our babies especially our three girls growing up without their mother. I sat and sobbed in his office and in my despair I told him that I wish I could give her my heart. The spoken words rattled deep into my brain. I COULD GIVE HER MY HEART. Love had provided a solution to an unsolvable problem. It was with that declaration that I made the decision to do something that I thought I would never do for someone who I believed I had come to hate. I feverishly made calls and setup secret appointments and felt a joy in my spirit when I was finally told that the surgery could happen. Our children would have their mother and a father would make the greatest sacrifice for the ones he LOVED. In the weeks leading up to the surgery I got all my affairs in order. I updated my will to make sure our kids would be taken care of. I told my close family and friends my plans and said my goodbyes. I spent my last days with the kids having the best and last times together with them. All those that needed to know were informed of my choice except my ex-wife because I felt she would try to talk me out of it. So the morning of the surgery I just hugged her tight told her that despite our problems I have and will always love her. We shared a moment that only lovers could and then I said my goodbyes as if I was leaving for work. I asked my father-in-law to bear the monumental responsibility of informing his daughter that when he took her into the hospital later that day for her heart check-up she would also be the recipient of a healthy heart and that her death would be delayed. My final request was that after she woke up from the surgery to have our kids and family there to surround her bed and to have our baby girl present her a small gift box. A box which contained a gold heart pendant and a note folded inside only for her eyes to read. I made the note simple but with as much truth as I could, it read..."if you ever wonder why I...it is because YOU GAVE YOUR LOVE...SO I GAVE MY HEART."

"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring out the greatness...in those around them." - TWIL

My DAUGHTER'S RAPE..Was Her FATHER'S FALIURE

   I will admit raising four daughters has always been challenging. We endured through some rough times before their mother lost her battle to breast cancer but after she passed away from us a difficult job seemed to evolve into an impossible task. So as a man, trying to guide four young girls on their life journeys as they grew up into women, I struggled mightily but we all persevered. All four of my baby girls made it to young adult hood without major incident. But the irony of life is that when things finally seem to be going right something unplanned disrupts it making you feel everything has gone wrong. The youngest of our girls was 6 when my wife died so naturally her mother's death affected her more than her older sisters. Seeing this I did my best to give them what they all needed and rightfully deserved, my undivided time and attention. But I admit I failed to provide it constantly. I was either to busy working or just plain too tired from running all four of them here and there to their individual activities. I look back now and realize that was a piss-poor excuse. And now I think maybe if I would have spent a fraction more of my time with them perhaps this tragedy could have been avoided. But as life teaches us some of the worst things we experience reveal themselves to be our greatest lessons. One weekend when I was out of town on a business trip I gave my oldest daughter, who at the time was 22 and had recently completed her college career, and her sisters permission to use our timeshare because it was summer and all the girls were out of school. Now over the years my oldest had proven herself to be quite trustworthy. She had become my savior in a sense because she had willingly and proudly taken on the roll of a second parent. But in many ways she was still a child, and it was this fact that I chose to disregard because I trusted her to care for her sisters.

   It would be that decision that I would later come to question. My oldest daughter at the suggestion of her friends decided a party needed to be had to celebrate their mutual graduation and impeding entry into the real world and used the aptly timed available timeshare as the location to hold the festivities. As one could imagine her younger sisters who were 19, 17 and 15 respectively had no where to go and were thrilled that they could attend an older crowd party without having to sneak in. My oldest, as we all have done at various times, choose this night to use her poorest of judgements decided that being her sister's cooler older sibling was much more important than being their responsible guardian and father's stand-in. Along with the growing number of visitors and loud music, alcohol and weed smoke flowed freely and my underage daughters were allowed to participate in the celebrations. As the story was revealed later to me my 17 year old had gotten so pissy drunk that she was stumbling and falling about and was taken upstairs by my 22 and 19 year-old to sleep it off. But instead of one of them staying with her, locking the bedroom or better yet not allowing her to drink they left her alone, unprotected and unattended and went back to continue the party. Then that's when my 15 year old heard her sister's screams. Two young adults one male one female found my daughter half-passed out and decided it would be "fun" to make a sex tape staring my intoxicated daughter. Thankful my other daughters and guests heard the fight that erupted when my 17 year old became conscience enough to scream during her attempts to fight off her rapists. The whole incident was both fortunately and unfortunately filmed so the culprits were caught and punished but the damage had already been inflicted and my daughter was now a victim. She had experienced something that no person especially a young girl should have to experience in their lifetime...she had been the victim of a rape.

   My oldest daughter was also traumatized because the person's involved were people she called friends. My other two daughters also carried the burden of knowing their poor decisions contributed to their sister's pain. It was a night, that like my daughters, I cannot forget. It changed all of us forever. We all went to counseling because this was a family issue that needed to be addressed, confronted and resolved by the family. In all honesty I was furious with all four of my girls because they all could and should have made better decisions that night. My oldest should have never put her sisters' well being before the desires of her and her friends. And the other three should NEVER had been drinking regardless of what was happening around them. I have had to walk a fine line with all four of them in a way that I don't blame them outright for what happened but also in the same breath try to express to them that their choices that night were a domino cause and effect that resulted in the irreversible moments and memories that we all carry. My wife always stressed to me that every decision that I would make as a father and husband would not only affect me but our family as well. So it seems without a cruel sense of irony she was right. It was my decision to choose other things to give my time to that cost me precious teachable moments with my girls. The guilt I carry is heavy. I often have to remind myself that in time the burden will get lighter but with every year that passes the load doesn't seem to lighten, I guess that's the price I am destined to carry as their father. It has been about eight years since that night and the time has helped heal the hearts and strengthen the minds of all my girls. Their bonds of sisterhood have strengthened beyond anything their mother or I could have ever wished for them. They have all grown up into intelligent beautiful young women and their decisions have put them all in positions to become successful in their own right. But many times late at night when I am home alone looking at family pictures I think about how I wasn't there for them when it would have mattered the most. I shed tears because in my mind...I believe that my daughter's rape...was her father's failure.

"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

My BABY Is HAVING A BABY

   ANGRY. DISAPPOINTED. BETRAYED. That is how I felt the day my daughter came to me in tears informing me that she was pregnant. My first reaction was to grab and shake her while screaming "HOW COULD YOU BE SO CARELESS?! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!! But it was the pain in her eyes and the guilt in her voice that persuaded me to take a different avenue. I knew how she felt. I knew all to well the rollercoaster she was about to get on without a refundable ticket. I could relate to her situation because 16 years ago her mother and I were sitting in the same circle. And it was that memory that forced me to employ a different method of approaching the situation. I remember how our own parents flipped the fuck out when we told them we were pregnant. Both 17. Both in our senior years of high school. Both with bright futures. Both scared to death about what was too come. Our parents scolded us with the same questions that I immediately thought to scream at her. I remember sitting in that room being on trial by fire. I remember feeling like we should have never told them because of what we were dealing with. I know they had every right to be upset but I remember them making me feel alone, that we would not have the support system we needed. I remember feeling so ashamed due to the way they voiced their displeasure about our actions. I didn't want our daughter, my baby girl to feel ashamed. I didn't want her to feel alone. I didn't want her to think coming to me was a mistake. I wanted her to feel accountable but also still feel empowered that she could do this.

    So I just sat her down and asked her to tell me what she wanted to do next. She cried and talked for almost an hour. Telling me about the decisions she would have to make. How scared she was for her and the baby's future. Just crying in my arms because she really didn't know what this meant for her life. I comforted her as best as I could but told her I would not share my thoughts until after she told her mother, that way there would be no sides to take or no secrets to keep. That evening she told her mother who cried as well. That night was probably the hardest one we had endured since the creation of our family. We shared our own fears from our own experiences. We explained what she would have to do and what she may lose. We stressed to her in a non-sugar coated way that... HER FUTURE WOULD NOW BE HER BABY'S PRESENT!!! We shared our angry, our disappointments, and our feelings of betrayal. But we also gave her our encouragement and support. We let her know it would be an up-hill battle. We let it be know that she would now have to deal with the consequences of her choices. After she went to bed my wife and I stayed up and talked. We took that forced walk down memory lane. We judged ourselves asking what could we have done differently to prevent her from making the SAME poor decisions we had made. But as we had our discussion we realized that we were in the same positions that our parents were in years earlier.

   The difference was that this time our daughter would not walk away with the same emotions we had. She would not be shunned and treated as a cast away. She would not feel abandoned. We would help her learn from her mistakes. We would teach her that she still could have a prosperous future but to attain it she would have to work harder and dedicate herself more to have a good life. The next morning we told her our expectations and desires as she began her journey into parenthood. We explained we would support her, the baby and the father but NOT in a primary role, we would only be there to provide secondary care when needed. Her eyes were still puffy from crying all night but she managed to tell us that she didn't expect us to be so straight forward and comforting. She was actually glad she came to us instead of hiding it. Her telling us that made me feel like the World's Greatest Father. Even though we failed to prevent her from walking in our footsteps, we had encouraged her that the path, even though it would be difficult and long and filled with obstacles that she could still navigate it successfully. Months have passed from that morning and we all watch her belly grow and prepare for the arrival of her baby and our first grandchild. I am proud of the preparations she has made and the better decisions she has made going forward. And even though I am comforted that she will have better days than we had as teenage parents I have to admit that it is still difficult for me sometimes to accept that my baby is having a baby.

"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

HIS LAST AFFAIR

   I never thought I would be here. We all know that the choices we make can create our own personal Heaven or own personal version of Hell. Sad thing is we don't realize how much we contribute to our own misery until we are knee deep in it. I lay here trying to calm my thoughts and filter out the sounds of lock down in the place I am now forced to call home. A cold, unforgiving and wretched place where 204 other men spend their days either shackled or caged this is where I reflect on my choices. I could have chosen another approach but I guess that's why they are called crimes of passion. I murdered my best friend and wife in a jealous rage. I executed both of them right there in the room where I caught them having sex. In the room mere steps away from where my kids were sleeping. The room where my wife and I had shared so many memories. In that room I took the lives of the two people who I had grown to love over the last 25 years.

   I snapped there is no denying that. I guess suspecting something then having it confirmed in such a vivid way will do that. I knew my boy was a flirt. I knew he had no limits to the crazy shit he would do, hell I was his partner in crime for most of it. I listened to the stories of him humping other dudes wives and girlfriends but I never thought he would betray me. I should have told him that intentionally going after another man's woman was off limits instead of encouraging him. That was my mistake. A mistake that would come back to bite me. Truth is I knew how he was but I never imagined he would pursue MY WIFE. I mean we were damn near brothers. This was the rule that I should have never needed to tell him because he should know NOT TO TOUCH MINE?! I noticed the subtle glances they would share when they thought I wasn't looking. The extended hugs, the quiet smirks. I saw all that shit but I disregarded all the signs because I was CONVINCED that neither of them would do what I felt was me just being paranoid. I should have made the choice then to confront one or both of them just to let them know what I was thinking. But I didn't. I thought if I accused them of having an affair and was wrong I would lose them both. So I just pretended I was being the victim of my own paranoia. So as it turns out I should have given my suspicions more credibility. I wasn't supposed to be back in town for another three days but the conference was shut down earlier due to the contract talks falling apart. So I came home expecting to surprise my wife and kids. But I was the one that was in for the shock of my life.

    I entered my bedroom to witness my wife and my best friend fucking like teenage rabbits. It was like I was watching the scene unfold in slow motion. I grabbed her first by her hair throwing her into dresser. He tried to position himself to protect himself from my unexpected appearance and subsequent rage but couldn't. I grabbed the lamp off the nightstand and just keep swinging. The screams woke my kids who instinctively ran into our room. What happened next is why I am residing here. My daughter screams at me in tears, "DADDY STOP! STOP HURTING MY MOMMY AND DADDY!" It wasn't bad enough that they were screwing behind my back, in my home but had MY BABY calling him daddy!!! I didn't even feel my hand grasp the handle of the pistol I kept in the safe in the closet. I didn't hear the sounds the slugs emptying from the clip. I never saw the splatter of blood as the bullets took their lives. I just saw the living embodiment of betrayal and revenge. I reacted in a emotional charged rage. I made the choice to succumb to my anger. I had just murdered my wife and best friend in front of my three kids. In a way I know I deserve to be here but I cannot shake the thought that they deserve what they got as well. I know it's not right but I am comforted some nights that my wife won't ever deceive me again and that my best friend had his last affair.


"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

WHY Didn't He MARRY ME?!

   He told me he loved me. He promised he would never leave me. He guaranteed he would never ever break my heart. Well I guess it's pretty obvious as I sit at the altar on what was meant to be one of the most magical days of my life...dabbing my eyes with tissue surrounded by friends and family that HE WAS A FUCKING LIAR. But what really angers me is that, as hurt as I am, I can't say that I am  completely surprised he stood me up on our wedding day. I saw the signs, I noticed the trends yet I blissfully ignored the warnings. Honestly I thought that if I gave him enough attention he would never look for it from another woman. I believed if I met his needs he would never have a reason to not come home. I was wrong. I tried to change the zebra's stripes to spots. I realize that now. I failed and now I am a victim of my own poor decisions. My father is furious beyond description for the pain his baby girl is in. My mother and girlfriends keep trying to assure me that I am not the reason he didn't show up. But I know the truth.

   Everyone is placing the blame on him but the fact is I am MORE GUILTY than he is. I knew. I KNEW he wasn't husband material. I knew that his attitude toward marriage and commitment were less than favorable. Hell his numerous past deeds of unfaithfulness alone should have been enough evidence to convict him of being unworthy of being married to me. But pride is a bitch! Pride gave me false security. I felt that I was the woman that could mold him into a better man. I knew I could make him a good husband if I only loved him enough. I was arrogant enough to believe that I could force him to change. It's crazy because through the haze of my sobbing I realize why you don't care for a sick snake, because in the end it is still a snake. Now I am suffering from the bite I thought would never come but should have prepared for. I actually remembered him telling me bluntly after we had been dating for about three years that he could NEVER see himself being with only one woman for the rest of his life. He thought marriage was a legal way to hinder him financially and restrict him sexually. I laughed him off thinking he was just being an ass. Now how ironic is it that I'm the ass sitting in a big ass wedding dress crying like a baby with colic. I'm the one being laughed at.

   I can't lie and pretend that I didn't play a hand in this train wreak of a relationship. I let him do whatever he wanted. I made it acceptable for him to disrespect me and step out of our relationship without penalty. Yes he isn't shit for putting me through this but I have to be honest and take responsibility. I had and should have taken those opportunities to exit the relationship. My only consolation is that I never conceived a child with him...now that would have fucked this moment up even more. So in the end I guess I should feel somewhat fortunate. All I have really wasted was seven years of my time, money and invested emotions. Perhaps him abandoning me at the altar is the best thing for me. Perhaps this teachable moment will make me value myself as a woman and future wife and mother. I am in pain but I will recover. I will shed many more tears but they will dry. I know the role I played in this show so I have to learn to live with what has happened. Days will pass and I will get angry with what happened on this day. But I will grow from it. Even though I know the answer I will still ask myself for years to come the question that only he can answer...why didn't he marry me?!


"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

She HURT ME Because I Caused Her PAIN

  
   Clean. Slate. That is what we agreed to the night of our wedding. Anything that occurred before we said our "I do's" would be forgiven or given the chance to at least resolve. We decided on a clean slate approach because we had both did things to each other that we felt allowed us to grow because we learned from our mistakes but they could also damage our marriage if we didn't leave them in our pasts. We were building a future together and we wanted our foundation to be free of previous construction so with that mantra we matured and grew together. After celebrating our third year of marriage we learned we were pregnant and that we would soon become parents of a young king...the heir to our throne. Years past and we were still falling in love. We had a beautiful home, promising careers and a child we adored. Then the night that would alter our lives forever happened. I was checking some work documents before our date night began and noticed my wife had left her Facebook account open. As I went to close it an instant message popped up. As much as I preached privacy I was still nosy as most people are so instead of ignoring the message and continuing to do my work I read it. I instantly regretted my choice. The message was from an old acquaintance. She was telling my wife thank you for spending the last weekend with her and how much she looked forward to their next meeting and how she had really enjoyed that they were re-kindling their old relationship. I re-read it a couple of times to make sure what I was reading was legit. 

   Afterwards I just sat attempting to analyze what my mind was desperately trying to process. When my wife walked into the den to ask me about her outfit I snapped. I cussed her out calling her every name I could pronounce and immediately told her our marriage was over. She was caught of guard as to what caused my suddenly erratic behavior until I directed her to the computer screen. As she sat down she started to convulse, shaking as hard and fast as the tears that streamed down her cheeks. She pleaded with me to give her a chance to explain but my rage was in full effect. I stormed to our bedroom and began emptying the drawers of her clothes. Then to the closet tossing shoes, dresses any and everything that was hers into the floor and told her this house was no longer her home. She fell to the floor atop her clothes grasping at my legs, wrapping her arms around my waist begging for my forgiveness. She would find none. I told her she could come back tomorrow with the police to retrieve her items because she would not stay in this house tonight. I threw some cash at her, told her to find a hotel to sleep at maybe meet up with the bitch she had threw away our marriage away for because she would not spend another night with me in what was formally the house we had made our home. She told me I was making a mistake not letting her explain and that she deserved better than this. I angrily replied that the mistake I made was making her my wife and that our family deserved better than this. Her tears then turned into angry yells. She stormed out cursing me telling me she would make me pay for what I had just done and that it would not end like this. I slammed the door shut and watched her speed up the street in the darkness.

   I spent the night crying and sobbing. I was confused and hurt. I kept repeating the words clean slate over and over until I passed out from the emotional drain and pain. That morning I called my mother-in-law and asked her if I could pick up Junior later than we agreed. She could sense something was wrong but I didn't give her enough time to investigate. I needed to clear my head so I showered and drove around trying to make sense of how my life would now proceed after being betrayed by the woman I thought I would spend the last years of my life happily with. I ended up at my in-laws who by that time had spoken with their daughter. They begged me to stay because she was on her way there to see our son but I stubbornly refused. I rushed our son into his car seat and sped out of their driveway. Distracted I never noticed my wife's car. Then as quickly as the flash of lighting there was the sound of metal bending and fragments of glass shattering all around me cutting my skin. The last thing I remembered was reaching for my son after hearing his cries and the sirens of the ambulances. Turns out my wife was as distraught as I was and seeing me again in her emotionally unstable haze she decided the only way to get me to listen to her would be to smash her car into mine and force me to stop and finally hear her explanation. At that moment it seemed like a good idea but it caused all three of us to end up in the hospital that day.

   I thought I had never experienced pain like I did as I forced myself up from my hospital bed into the wheel chair. I never knew the body could experience that much trauma but it wasn't until I saw my boy hooked up to numerous machines fighting for his life that I understood the true definition of pain. My wife meant to get my attention and in her own pain and fear she wanted me to hurt too but it was our son that would bear the brunt of the suffering. She told me that night I put her out of our home that she would hurt me just like I had hurt her. She was true to her word because she did hurt me. And even though I know I'm not directly responsible for what she had done I do feel that my actions contributed to her reactions. It's always hard to make wise decisions when your emotions are going full throttle. Instead of forcing her out perhaps I should have given her a chance to explain why? Hindsight is that you never know how far you can push someone until they push back, you don't realize the amount of pain you can inflict on others until you begin to experience it yourself. I have to accept that she hurt me because I caused her pain.

"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring greatness out of those around them." - TWIL