I always dreamed of becoming a father, but as cruel as it seems God had other plans for both of our lives. I have known and loved her since middle school. So when she told me she was pregnant the day after our prom I was so excited. Then in the same breath she told me she wasn't ready to be a mother and my heart dropped. She expressed to me that she had plans for her life and right now a baby was not part of them. She said we were both too young and immature to bring a baby into this world. She told me how disappointed our parents would be. How drastically our lives would change. She explained every fear she had about becoming a parent. But in my mind I actually thought we could be good parents. But instead of voicing my views about parenthood, I just held her hands as she cried. With tears streaming down her face she told me she wanted to get an abortion. As she cried in my arms instead of trying to comfort her, I could only question why she even thought about getting one. I felt maybe she didn't think I was good enough to father her child. Maybe she believed I wouldn't stick around to raise our son. Maybe she knew I wasn't ready to be a father. Maybe she was right. So in the end, I agreed. The procedure was done and we never spoke about it again. I thought I hated her because she robbed me of becoming a father but the truth is I hated myself for not standing up for you. We eventually parted ways and I never saw her again. Sad thing is I will never teach you how to ride a bike or throw a football. I never got the chance to tell you how much I would have loved you. I ask God to forgive me for preventing your entrance into this world. I dream about meeting you in heaven, hoping you will recognize me and embrace me as your father.
I always dreamed of becoming a father, but as cruel as it seems God had other plans for both of our lives. Our relationship had grown from a drunken one-night stand after a college party, to casual dating, to a solid friendship. We never claimed each other as boy-friend girl-friend but we were always together. We shared our dreams of life after college and vowed to always keep in touch after graduation. Then that night everything changed. We left campus in the middle of the night rushing to the hospital because the cramps were unbearable. They took blood and did an ultrasound. Hours later we learned the cause of the cramps was the miscarriage of the baby we created but never knew was growing in her womb. We never used condoms because we trusted each other and her birth control hadn't failed in over 3 years. But here we are sitting in a cold exam room being told our baby is gone. The ultrasound showed she was 7 weeks into the pregnancy. I watch her slowly rub your picture crying silent tears. I see the hurt in her face. Life is gone from her womb. She never blamed me but somehow I felt responsible. Maybe if I had taken our relationship more serious, made it more than just casual sex we could have started a family. She told me maybe it was God's way of telling us to value our lives and stop being so reckless with them. Maybe she was right. We both changed that night and eventually grew apart. The time we shared together slowly dwindled until we only saw each other in passing on the yard. I broke our vow cause we haven't spoke since graduation. I dream of you playing with your older brother on a slide in heaven, laughing cheerfully. I recognize how happy you both are in heaven, but I would rather have ya'll here on earth with me.
I always dreamed of becoming a father, but as cruel as it seems God had other plans for both of our lives. On the night of our three year marriage anniversary your mother bursts into our bedroom happily waving two sticks that have small plus signs on them. She jumps onto the bed and into my arms kissing me telling me that I am gonna be a daddy. We are both so excited we call our parents in the middle of the night to share our news. Months pass and we begin the adjustment to our roles of parents. We have finished decorating your bedroom stocking it with clothes and toys. Baby showers and random visits from family and friends keep the excitement of your arrival at an all time high. We have a name picked out but haven't told anyone because that is our gift to share with you. Three days before your mother's due date I ask her to meet me at her favorite restaurant to have a lunch date, the last one before we are eating out with you. Waiting with a basket of roses and your mom's favorite candy I check the clock because our scheduled time has passed. I figure she is just running late and call the cell. A stranger answers sadly telling me that there has been an accident and I need to get to the hospital. I get to the hospital room just in time to hear your mother crying hysterically. The doctor tells me that the impact was too great and the trauma caused you to enter the world as a stillborn. Your mother was strong but your death weakened her tremendously. She cries almost every night mourning you. I am powerless to comfort her it seems. I blame myself because I should have picked her up and drove. I always promised your mother that I would always be there to protect you both. I remember your mom would always say "we will be fine besides you can't always be there you know." Turns out she was right...I failed to protect you when ya'll needed it the most. Now I sleep on the floor in your room most nights, dreaming you are in your crib peacefully sleeping. I wake up to find the bed still neatly made...no indication that you every slept there. I reflect alot on the memories of my children that should be here. But those memories have been replaced with the visions of my children that are not. I have the dreams of a father that has no children.
Be Safe. Be Blessed
TWIL
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