MY UGLY BEAUTY Of MARRIAGE & KIDS

   It's the morning after my wife and I have had a VERY intense exchange of words and feelings and I'm drained, I don't want to fight anymore. I would just like an opportunity to make today a better day than yesterday. Even though I know it would almost certainly help to de-escalate the previous night's melee, I don't want to be the one that apologizes first for their words and actions last night! Petty I know, don't judge. Laying in our bed alone thinking about the apology that I will undoubtedly be forced to make much sooner than later I remember I need to make peace with her so she will give me a piece of that sweet sweet pie baby, again don't judge me hahahahaha. As I turn over, my sleepy eyes connect with a pair of pretty eyes that are not my wife's. Staring back at me through those eyes is the young lady that owns the other half of my heart...our five year old daughter. She smiles at me and quietly says, "good morning daddy!" I sit up and smile back at her while pulling her up into the bed to sit beside me. I tell her "good morning baby" and ask her how she slept. She replies, "I slept OK, but you and momma woke me up. Why were you arguing last night?!" For a moment, I want to tell her we were just having a loud talk. But our baby girl is more like her mother than she knows. Already as perceptive as she is intelligent I know sugar-coating half truths or telling her outright lies would not benefit either of us so I decide against it.  But the reason for open honesty is I feel as our child she deserves to know the truth about what happens between her parents...both the bad and good.

The other fact is that I already have one woman in my home that I love pissed at me this morning so I why risk upsetting another. So as if I am revealing my private thoughts to my psychiatrist I tell her what we were arguing about the night before. As I speak she listens attentively as if she is making mental notes. When I finish speaking she stares at me for a moment to make sure I am finished talking. Then as if she is giving me the most obvious of answers to questions I never asked her, she says, "well daddy you know if you made mommy sad, you should say sorry to her. And if mommy made you sad she should say sorry to you!' She pauses and peers at me to make sure I am listening  then continues, "Daddy, you need to be nice to each other, because I don't like it when you and mommy argue." And just like that, I am the beneficiary of very wise words from the unlikeliest of sources. I smile and thank her for her advice and reward her youthful wisdom by unleashing the full power of the tickle monster. Her screams of laughter are so loud it gets the immediate attention of her protective older sister who comes running and barking into the room to verify her little human's cries are of fun and not pain. The tickle monster does its job which is to entertain us both but more importantly it takes her mind off the fight she overheard her parents having the night prior.

   Across the house, I hear her mother getting up in the room she slept in thanks to our spat. I quickly jump off the bed to cross her path before she can exit into the bathroom. I catch her right as she gets to the doorway and I "accidentally-on-purpose" bump into her. I use this intentionally random moment to gauge her attitude, a blatantly obvious move to see if she is still pissed with me about the night before. And like a good student before she can speak or respond to my blocking her way I repeat the advice my teacher, our daughter had given me minutes earlier. "We need to be nice to each other, because I don't like it when we argue.". I see the words slightly soften her hardened face and her defensive stance of her arms folded tight across her breasts loosen. Not wanting to waste the brief dropping of her guard I bear hug her tight, kiss her face and whisper into her ear, "You know how much I love you right?!". She turns her head, trying unsuccessfully to hide her smile while lightly pushing me away. I choose not to resist and instead release her. As she side steps me I see her wall has been breached, the frustration and anger she was feeling towards me seems to have dissipated. She tells me, "MOVE BOY!" as she slips past me. And then the magic happens. She sneakily turns around to see if I am watching her walk away and when she confirms that I am she rolls her eyes at me with the faintest of smiles on her beautiful face. The eye roll isn't one of disgust. It is her way of letting me know she has accepted my "apology". She knows, that I know, how much she hates when I make her smile when she wants to stay mad at me after we fight. But sometimes that's the best outcome of our conflicts, to recognize that despite how furious we get, we still love each other. Mission SUCCESS! Yes sir this morning will be much better than the night that preceded it.

   Ask any man that has been in a relationship with a woman for a number of years or a father of daughters and they will tell you many times they feel under-appreciated and disadvantaged when it comes to dealing with the females in their world. I am no different. I have had numerous moments where I feel my life would be better if I could just be a bachelor with no babies. How free could I be if I wasn't bearing the responsibility of the titles I earned. When my wife and daughter and dog for that matter have collectively managed to push every button I have, I react defensively sometimes harshly and unfairly. Not to make excuses but I do so because I am not very good at expressing my emotions immediately. Too many times I allow things to build up instead of addressing them in the moment. So when situations boil over it causes me to erupt! I immediately feel fed up from being bombarded by their natural yet to me irrational emotions, and confusing mood swings. In my head as their main protector, provider and THE MAIN MAN in their lives I shouldn't have to deal with THEIR daily bullshit even though I expect them to deal with MY OWN, ass backwards right? Yeah I know but it's complicated being a man hahahaha. One thing that I have learned from marriage and parenthood is to embrace the bad times. The challenging days will come and tough times will linger but the best response from me is to accept that sometimes I can change them and other times I have to deal with them in the best possible way.

   It has been in these moments when I fight with my lady or argue with my baby girl that have allowed me to fully experience the low lows and the high highs of being married and raising children. There is no manual or rule book for a man to follow when it comes to being a good husband, a good father or even a good man. So the best a man CAN do, is simply the best a man he can be. I had to realize that every moment with my ladies won't be picture perfect but it is time worth spending. More times than I care to recall I've cursed myself wondering why the hell I even decided to marry and have kids. Truth be told there are few jobs in a man's life that are as demanding, frustrating, stressful or as REWARDING as providing for and protecting his mate and offspring. But that is why as the man I make the choice to persevere! They are the "why" I always strive to be great! I am learning that it isn't a sign of weakness apologizing to my wife for hurting her feelings even when I don't believe I did something wrong. Or allowing our daughter to question me (respectfully of course) when I ask her to do something without hitting her with the "because I said so!" response all the time. I believe it is a mark of strength to recognize when to put my foot down but also when NOT TO FIGHT the battle and when to be a little softer and understanding. For those that know me well they can testify that I talk A LOT of shit about my perceived hardships of being a husband and father. But they can also witness to how exceptionally thankful I am for every day I get to spend with my family. Lord knows, they are not always easy to deal with (and on very rare days they may feel the same about me hahahaha) but my wife and daughter bring a measure of happiness into my life that is truly irreplaceable and I am grateful to them for that. And that folks is my version of the gospel truth...my ugly beauty of marriage and kids...and I regret nothing.


"You are either the greatest contributor...or the greatest threat to your own happiness." - TWIL

THE 80/20 RELATIONSHIP TRAP

   Now before you read this please take heed to this disclaimer...I AM NOT A LOVE EXPERT NOR AM I A THERAPIST, I've just been through some real shit and learned some great lessons because of them! I do not claim that this chapter will offer you great advice or guide you in the right directions when it comes to working out the issues between you and your significant other. It is simply a collection of my own thoughts and opinions. So now that you have been warned it is your choice to accept my randomness at your own risk or reward! Cool?! Good, let's proceed then. There is an old saying that speaks to the balance of courtship called the 80/20 rule. And it states..."in a relationship, you will only receive 80% of what you want/need from your partner and the other 20% that you desire can only be found in someone outside your relationship." Now let's look at the numbers of this equation 80 and 20. Simple math tells us that 80% is greater than 20% but also that 80% requires the missing 20% in order to become 100% or whole. So when we really break it down the 80/20 rule is basically telling us that while engaged in a relationship we will never be able to find happiness or have 100% of what we want in ONE partner. And that my friends is 100% true AND also 100% false. Wait, WHAT?! That's a double negative! How the hell can that be true and false?! Well keep reading and I will share my reasons why!

   The 80/20 logic is 100% TRUE in the sense that we will never receive 100% from our partner because as we age the things we realize we need to live a healthy and balanced life change. The people in our circles change. The activities that bring us joy change. Our desires, wants EVERYTHING CHANGES with time. So even though we spend majority of our days with someone else while in a relationship we are still growing individually. We either get old and mature or age and become immature either way WE CHANGE. And because we are constantly in these states of transformation it can be very difficult to establish exactly what we need from our partners to make us completely happy or 100%. The result of these changes gradually cause shifts in our behaviors. We begin to acquire a sense of entitlement, which leads us to feel that we should be free to make choices but not deal with the consequences that accompany them. We look at the 80% (sometimes more) that our partner is giving us and we get greedy. We start to ask ourselves, "Why can't I have more?! Why can't I have 100% of my needs met?" And it's this mind-set that allows our inner thoughts to manifest into real world situations that must now be addressed outside of our minds. We begin to find reasons to negate the value of our partners. We start to accuse them of not giving enough because we want more. We then forget how much 80% is of 100 and we allow the absence of the 20% (sometimes less) to consume us and drive us stupid. We take time away from appreciating what we already have and begin investing it into something we THINK we want but ultimately do not need. The sad reality is that many of us learn this only after we have sacrificed the 80 in order to have the 20. We failed to understand and appreciate how complete or close to being 100% happy that we already were.

   Now the other side of the scale and why the 80/20 principal is also 100% FALSE is because we DO NOT need to receive 80% from our partner to be satisfied and in a healthy fulfilling relationship. Have you ever been staring at your significant other and caught yourself saying in your head, "how the hell did I end up with this muthafucker?!" You start picking them apart in your head attempting to validate every single flaw they possess then right before you say something mean out loud they look up at you and smile. And their small gesture warms your heart so much it makes you want to jump on them and smother their face in your kisses. Or they make a face at you that makes you laugh so hard that it echoes deep down in your soul because after all these years you still can't understand why something so simple as one of their silly faces makes you feel so special. And it's moments like this and others that we experience everyday that make us remember why we love their ass so much despite having every flaw that seconds ago we were bitching about. That is why the 80/20 rule can be utter bullshit. Because when you have invested time, money, pain, joy, tears, laughter, good times and bad times into someone you love you do so because they have shown you that they have committed to investing the same into you. We accept that our partners are lacking in one form or another because we understand that NO ONE IS PERFECT. And that's not foolishness to love someone who isn't perfect. Who wants the stress of trying to keep a perfect person happy?! SHIIIT I know I don't HAHAHAHAHA. The truth is we accept their 20% (sometimes less) because in our hearts we know that the 80% (sometimes more) that we're bringing to the table is enough to balance everything out.

    The connections we have created and the deep love that we share is worth the sacrifice of petty percentages. So we stick with them because we would rather deal with their bullshit and know we are deeply loved than deal with someone elses and have to question their emotions and intentions! Time has shown us (and every other fucked up relationship we've survived) that if we have to give 80% and they can only muster 20% we cherish them anyway. We don't belittle them because they aren't matching our effort, we salute them because they are busting their ass to give all they have to keep us happy. We know that their 20% is genuine and we have experienced enough to know that their real 20% is more valuable than the faked 80% someone else may be offering. I guess I don't believe in the 80/20 rule because it is a setup. It is basically convincing us that in order for us to be happy and find happiness we need to look for it in others. I have always believed and do to this day that if a person is not happy in themselves they will never find joy in another person or in a relationship. So regardless if you are the 80 or the 20 you need to value yourself. Once you make it a priority to treasure yourself you will attract someone that sees your worth and then you will both create a relationship that isn't built on percentages but on devotion. So there are my random thoughts folks...my take on the 80/20 relationship trap...what's yours?
 
"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring the greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

21 YEARS NOT A FATHER

  The rumors among family and friends were always spoke with hushed voices, so I did my best to ignore them because in the end only one person truly knew the truth. And in all honesty she had never given me reason to believe the quiet gossiping so I never had a reason to question my paternity. Being raised by a single father I was taught to do what I believed was the right thing in any given situation. So with that teaching being instilled in me after being told that my on and off again girlfriend for the last seven years was pregnant with my seed the choice to commit myself to her was easy. Even though the truth was that neither of us was ready to become parents we shared the belief that our child would have a greater success rate in life if raised by two parents instead of one. So we refocused our attentions and basically grew up together in the sonogram room as we watched the tech move the wand over my lady's belly revealing the smallest person I had ever seen in my life. Listening to the baby's heartbeat caused a rare moment that saw two relatively immature people come together and instantly mature because they understood they needed to work together to handle the  circumstances staring them in the face. We both accepted that since we were bringing a baby into the world we would have to put aside our selfish desires and willingly support the child and each other...so it was then that we decided we would be a family...by any means necessary.

   So after being together for almost eight years we finally got married when she was six months pregnant. It was a trip because it wasn't until I said "I Do" that I realized I did. I did love her. I did want to spend my life with her. I had made the right decision. I was still a little ashamed that it took for us to get pregnant for me to accept those facts but we were married now and preparing for a new baby so happiness erased my shame. We happily awaited the debut of our child with youthful and nervous excitement. But deep into her third trimester complications started to arise and eventually forced our hand making an emergency c-section necessary to save both my wife and child. Have you ever heard someone say "I knew the moment I saw them I was in love."?! Well I have never been the one to believe in love at first sight and for good reason. But as it frequently does life found a way to humble me. Her effect on me was immediate and long lasting. It started from the first time I cradled her in my arms, held her little hand and gazed into her beautiful little face I knew that I was in love. She altered my whole life and forced a change upon me that I didn't believe was possible. My daughter's arrival into my world changed every plan I thought I had set in concrete and made me excited about becoming something I never desired or thought I would be fit to be...a father. However the birth of our daughter also brought the end of another life that I loved. The complications that plagued her mother's pregnancy didn't subside after the delivery.

   My wife would pass away in her sleep the morning of our discharge four days later. Unknown to the doctors a clot had moved from her leg into her brain. Because I was now going to have to raise our daughter alone I did my best to always be there for her. Even though she would never have the opportunity to grow up with her mother I promised her she would still have the love of two parents. So she grew and I was there for every moment. I held her hands as she took her first steps. Wiped her tears when she had her first fall. Helped her read her first book and ride her first 2 wheel bike. I made sure that whenever she needed me I was there and even when she didn't I was close by. My daughter gave me a new purpose and healthy zest for life so I did my best to make sure she lived a life that was as close to perfect as I could provide. So for the better part of 21 years I was fortunate to witness her grow from a precious tiny baby into an intelligent, beautiful young woman. And it was on the day of her college graduation ceremony that I remembered why I was more proud of her accomplishments than I was of my own. She had consistently worked so hard from such a young age that it seemed destined that she would complete the rare achievement of earning the title of Valedictorian for both her high school and college senior classes.

   So as I sat in the crowd surrounded by other parents and family members awaiting their own child's name to be called I was taken back to one of my favorite memories. It was of her preschool graduation and I remembered cheering so loudly when she walked the stage then. Even though she was just beginning her academic career she had flashed moments of brilliance so it made me hopeful for what was to come. I was witnessing full circle what I had already seen years before. I was proud beyond expression and the only pain that I felt was that her mother was not here to cheer her was well. On the way to her favorite restaurant to celebrate the end of one journey and the beginning of another tragedy struck our family again. An SUV driver not paying attention ran a stop sign and crashed head-on into the drivers side of my truck. The last memory I had was that of my baby cradling me in her arms, hold my hands, telling me to hold on. I awoke out of my coma six weeks later to find myself hooked up to machines and my daughter sleeping in a chair. I try to move and speak which sets off a series of alarms which draw enough attention that three or four people come running into the room. After being calmed down by my daughter and the nurses, the doctors were brought in to speak with me. I took the worst of the accident resulting in damaged internal organs and blood loss. After being told of what I survived and how long my complete recovery would take I also learned why the rumors and gossip among family and friends was always hushed and spoken in quiet corners. In an effort to save my life my daughter tried to donate blood and a kidney to me but was turned away at first because it was discovered that she wasn't biologically compatible because she was not my biological daughter.

   There are many times that we allow our emotions to override and erase our logic. And even though I never acted like the hushed discussions bothered me nor inquired with my wife if I was truly the father of her child, in the back of my mind I also wondered. But that curiosity was killed the day my daughter was born. It was clear now why the night before she died while holding our daughter she said to me..."no matter what happens between us promise me you will be a good father to her, because no matter what you ARE her father." I always thought it was her way of indirectly telling me the gossip was false and a way to get me to verbally commit to being there for the both of them. Weeks after I left the hospital I remember taking my daughter out to dinner on her 21st birthday day. While talking about my recover and her new promotion she just exploded into tears saying, "I still don't believe what they told me. You are the only father I have ever known!". Battling back my own tears I held her hands in my hands the same way I had done when she was an infant in my arms for the first time. I looked her in her mother's eyes and tell her without reservation..."YOU ARE MY DAUGHTER! And I am the only father that you will EVER need to know!" It was in that moment that we both found peace. It was a topic that we would never address again. I remember getting home that night and going through old pictures as a way to relive happy memories. It was one in particular that caused me to shed tears. It was a photo of my baby girl in her Pre-K graduation cap and gown. I was still proud of that little lady even though the truth of my paternity had been revealed. But at that moment then and in this moment now, it didn't matter because I wouldn't change or erase the beautiful memories and priceless time I had invested in her growth. I was proud of the young woman that I had raised, biological daughter or not, I didn't spend the last 21 years not a father. I spent the last two decades plus enjoying life as HER FATHER and I wouldn't trade that experience for all the gold and silver in the world.

"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring the greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

GOD DOES NOT EXIST

   It was the disruptive sound of activity that jarred me out of my sleep. So lazily I got up and went downstairs to check the source of the noise. As I walked through the living room I noticed the front door was slightly open and as I got close enough to investigate I heard a chilling voice say, "On your knees!" In a startled panic I immediately swung my fists toward the sound of the voice. Thinking I may have been in a dream haze of some sort I felt the cold chill of reality as my hands connected with a face. I had struck someone that was in my home, someone that was not supposed to be there. Going into full offensive mode I began pounding away on the intruder. I was still running on pure adrenaline and fear when I felt another body slam into me. In the dark of the room I struggled to see and comprehend what was happening. Then as I tried to rise to my feet I felt an excruciating kick to my face followed quickly by three more vicious kicks to my midsection. As the pain surged through my body I felt numerous pairs of hands pulling me up to my knees. I hear another voice say "everybody wants to be a hero." Then I heard a round being chambered and then I felt the cold steel of a barrel being pressed against my forehead. After all that had occurred in a brief span of no more than a couple of minutes I finally grasped what has happening. I had woken up in the middle of my home being robbed and was now about to pay the final price for trying to protect it and myself. I instinctively did what I had always done in my moments of trial and tribulations I prayed, but instead of guidance I prayed for God to save me. But it was in that moment that I finally realized a harsh truth...that every prayer including this one was falling and had always fell on the deaf ears of a spiritual being that wasn't the all knowing, all powerful, fate controlling being I had been taught to place my faith and trust into. It was almost comically tragic that the only visible item in the dark room I could make out was the picture of Jesus on the cross. But even in that despair of knowing I was alone, I still stubbornly waited for a divine intervention because habits are hard to break. So I made peace with myself because I knew God was not going to send one because he couldn't. I knew I was going to die and no amount of heart-felt prayers was going to change that and with that confirmation I accepted the fact that...God does not exist.

   Even though I had known her since elementary school she didn't cross my mind until much later in life. And I, never being one for cliches, never thought any more of her than the girl who lived two houses down, the one that would always come over to our house to play with my twin sister.  And perhaps it was because of this that I grew up seeing her as a little sister as well. But as it always does time has a way of changing things and things certainly did change for the both of us. So attribute it to puberty or God's plan but around the 9th grade I started to notice her more as a young woman than that clingy neighborhood girl that was always pestering me. Then the day happened when everything would change, our parents thought it would be cute if I was the one to escort her to the spring dance. It was that day that the spark between us would ignite a fire that would burn for a lifetime. As we progressed through high school I gathered the courage to ask her to be my date for our junior prom. She accepted and it was during our first dance that I fell in love with her and she in love with me. We would go on to date throughout the rest of high school and into college. It seemed Fate made us neighbors and friends but I also believed it was God's purpose to make us husband and wife. And on my 23rd birthday we would speak our vows of dedication in front of God, our family and friends. We would go on to spend 49 wonderful years together in marital bliss. It was on the eve of our 50th anniversary that everything we had built together would be torn apart. My beautiful partner at the young age of 72 would be diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer.  Her life was ripped apart and her declining health tore her away from my world in a matter of weeks, She became a shell of the woman that I had spent more than half of my life with and it broke my heart to watch her fade away. During the last days of her life I took her out of the hospital so that she could live out her life as comfortable as possible at home. It broke my spirit knowing that she would never experience another healthy day. It crushed my soul trying to accept that I would have to continue living without her and that realization hurt more than the greatest pain imaginable. So it was in the end as I held my wife's hand whispering I loved her into her ear that I said one last prayer asking God to save her but I knew he wouldn't because he hadn't answered a single prayer from my our kids, family, friends nor myself since she had been given her death sentence to make her better. So as the life faded from of her beautiful face so did my faith in God because I knew that it was a waste to pray and believe because I was seeing living proof that...God does not exist.

   My wife and I are what many of our family and friends called late bloomers, as we didn't have children until we were well into our 40's. We had tried everything from ovulation schedules to invitro. But we could not bear children. So that made us pray even harder, we prayed so much our knees were scarred. It seemed that our prayers went unanswered until that eventful day when my wife called me screaming and crying at work. She had took a test because her period was late and the test results said she was pregnant. We immediately scheduled an appointment with the doctor and she confirmed the greatest desires of our hearts. I thanked God because it seemed our faithfulness was finally being rewarded. As the weeks turned to months we learned we were going to be the parents of not one baby, not even two babies but to three babies! Talk about an abundance of blessings! Our first time as parents and we would be parents of naturally conceived triplets. We welcomed our babies, two boys and a baby girl into the world with arms wide open. We recorded every moment we could. Snapped pictures of every memory we wanted to treasure. We were as happy as we had ever been. But like the saying goes all good things must come to an end and it seemed like that after all we had endured our happiness wasn't destined to last. We were great parents and did everything in our power to provide the best for our kids but there are somethings in life that you will never be able to prevent or protect against. It was the last day of school and my wife and I went to pick the kids up from school so we could begin our much anticipated and deserved family vacation. The truck was packed and the luggage was loaded. So that night we all slept so we would be well rested for the six hour road trip. The next morning we all ate and talked about how much fun the road trip would be. About 2 hours into the trip our lives would forever be damaged. A drunk driver driving the wrong way on the interstate collided with another vehicle causing a chain reaction that claimed the lives of other motorists including our children who were immediately killed when a car slammed into the side of our truck causing it to flip and roll down an embankment. Years of great memories that I had were suddenly replaced with the image of three little caskets and my wife sobbing uncontrollably as our children were carried out of the church and placed into hearses. As we watched our babies lowered into the dirt I found myself thinking how impossible it was to accept that this was part of God's divine plan. I just couldn't understand why this HAD to happen and what was the reason for it. Why after so many years of struggling to have children, would he seemingly bless us with children then allow us to experience the joy they brought into our lives, then after less than 6 years why, WHY would God cruelly take them away from us?! And as if my wife was thinking the same thoughts she spoke the words that were heavy on my heart. And in all truth I couldn't find any reason to dispute her statement because I knew in my soul she was correct when she said through her tears, "This isn't right. They didn't deserve this...God does not exist."

"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring the greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

ME CHEATING DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T LOVE YOU

"You cannot say I don't love you, just because I cheat on you. Because you don't see all I do to keep you from knowing the things I do." - John Legend, Number One

   In some circles I could be considered a bit promiscuous some jealous folks sometimes have even been bold enough to refer to me as a hoe, but trust me, I am far from either label. I am just a woman that knows what she wants and when she wants it. And the thing that I happen to want a lot of is sex. Pure, unattached, and unemotional sex. I have always been very selective in the men that I had interactions with. And I was always attracted to and desired a very specific type of man. And that allure caused me to get into some dare I say questionable positions. For as long as I care to remember I have craved the attention and feel of older men. It had been that way since my early 20's and then it just exploded as I got older. My desires of the flesh eventually lead me to being involved with married men who were tired of the wives they were going home to every night. It was wrong I know but again the pull was too great to resist. One man in particular was my favorite. So when the affair began to spiral into a relationship that I was not willing to partake in I had to check him before it got beyond my control. So as I do when I tire of a man and his issues I find another toy to play with to show them how replaceable they are. I swear the look on his face was priceless when he showed up at my place and my new flavor of the month opened the door. There he stood with a look of shock on his face damn near about to cry. He mumbles to me "I thought what we had was special. I thought you loved me." And since he gave me too many lavish gifts and the sex was great I didn't want him to leave the team just yet, so I calmed him down and reassured him with a simple phrase that has worked well for me during my adventures...I told him "me cheating doesn't mean I don't love you."


   I love being a man! Especially when it comes to being sexual. I can bang as many women as I want with little to no drama. Because unlike the lames that cause problems for themselves I am always up front and honest about my moves and motives. I tell every woman I am about to bed that I am and will always be addicted to the thrill of being with more than one woman. Now some of the chicks I get involved with at first can handle it but then catch feelings and get all crazy possessive and violent and when that happens I drop them broads like heavy bricks. But the true gems are the ladies that accept and respect my lifestyle. They are the epitome of a loyal side piece. When I text or call at 3am cause I want some action their door is always open and their bed is always warm. I have had chicks drive hours to see me just because they needed some of my earth shaking loving! I have even told some of them I love them and it's not a lie I do love them...I LOVE HAVING SEX WITH THEM HAHAHAHAHAHA! Sometimes it's sad to see how addicted these women can get. They will scramble to get babysitters, call out sick from work, spend the money their boyfriends, husbands and kid's fathers have given them. It's crazy man but hey that's what they want so I give them my best. One of my favorite girls is totally gone. She wants to be my only one so bad but hates so much that I hump other chicks. The other night she came to my house in tears shaking and acting like her heart was breaking in her hands. She tells me she couldn't take sharing me anymore knowing I was hitting the sheets with other females. She actually told me she wanted me to stop seeing other women. But because she had the bomb bomb I had to hit her with my pot of gold saying. And when I did she killed that crazy talk and her panties dropped at the same time...I  told her "me cheating doesn't mean that I doesn't love you."

  We have been married for about 7 years and I haven't been faithful for 1 day. I have tried to be a one partner person but I just can't. I can't change what I am. Call me addicted to sex or addicted to variety but whatever the reason I just can't settle and be chained to one partner for the rest of my life. So why get married you ask?! Well the truth is rather simple if you think about it. It was due to the pressures of expectations. Everyone expects you to get married and have kids and live the happily ever after. But what they don't expect is for you to have multiple partners. Society frowns on you when you enjoy sex with different people. They will call you a whore, a pimp and so many other insulting names it's not even funny. My partner knew before the "I Do's" how I was and they accepted that if they wanted me they would have to accept me and all that I was. So the vows were spoken and the understanding was had. So as the years passed and I had my affairs, discreetly of course because we both had images to maintain with no issue. And everything was sweet as sugar and our agreement wasn't a problem until having children came up. WTF to that right?! Apparently having kids required more devotion and a cleaner facade but I wasn't ready to give up my other partners just to follow and conform to what is expected instead of what I wanted. So one late night as I was returning home from one of my meetings I was told that I had to choose. Decide who was more important them or the others. And because I did have an image to maintain with my family, friends, coworkers and such I couldn't risk a separation or divorce so I spoke the words that have always worked for me when my paradise was in jeopardy, I said..."me cheating doesn't mean that I doesn't love you."


"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring the greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

@$%+ MARRIAGE!!!

Mar·riage
noun: marriage; plural noun: marriages
1. the formal union of a man and a woman, typically recognized by law, by which they become husband and wife; a relationship between a man and woman or between two persons of the same sex.
2.  a combination or mixture of two or more compatible elements.

   I would always ask myself growing up, if this is what marriage is all about then...WHY THE HELL would ever I want to get married?! Because through my eyes getting married had to be probably the WORST DECISION a person could ever make in their entire life! So as I grew into manhood my thoughts on marriage were simple...FUCK MARRIAGE. Kind of harsh right?! Yeah maybe...but let me share my story with you before you judge my views on the subject. As a young boy I witnessed up close and personal exactly how fucked up the institution of marriage was. My sister and I watched daily how our mother would relentlessly beat the shit out of my dad both verbally and physically. In short she was a HORRIBLE wife and a mediocre mother at best. Now it wasn't that she was completely evil because she did have her moments of good but she had many demons that she couldn't outrun or live down and she took that out on my father. My dad was a quiet peace keeper that some might have confused as being a coward but he wasn't a punk because he never hesitated to display his immense courage and strength when it mattered. But his problem was that he was too soft of a man when it came to my mother.

   He rarely checked my mother when she would go ape shit. I believe that was because he was so blinded by his love and attraction to her that he constantly accepted her treatment of him believing that was just how she expressed her love for him...fucked up right?! I know but allow me to continue! He absorbed every insult, every cuss word, every push and every punch. ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING she threw at him he took it with his chest out and his face twisted into a smile. To his credit the only time he would stand up to my mother was when she tried to fuck with us the way she fucked with him. It was always in those moments that he never hesitated to defend my sister and I. If she started to berate us he would become the barrier to shield and separate us from her, whether we were right or wrong he defended us against her type of "love" and discipline. And in hindsight it was his unwavering protection of us that made him the target and the sole recipient of her aggressive tendencies. Growing up as children you seem to accept everything without question until you learn better. So it would be that way until I learned much later in my young adulthood that my parent's marriage wasn't "normal".

   When I left home to for college I ended up attending a school a couple of states away in the same general location where my grandparents lived so I would often visit them since they were so close. At first it was funny to hear my grandma call my grandpops an "old piece of worthless shit" or see her strike him across his legs with her cane. But then as I witnessed it happen more frequently I became ashamed to see my grandmother treating my grandfather that way and I would find myself intervening to protect him from her abuse. I soon realized that the reason the behavior bothered me and seemed so familiar was that I had seen it growing up. It was the same way my mother treated my father! WHAT. THE. FUCK!!! It all made sense! Things were now clear as Crystal. My dad was the by product of this horrible environment, collateral damage caught up in this ridiculous example of a marriage. He grew up having to watch his own mother verbally and physically abuse his father and he witnessed first hand the toxic union that my grandparents had.So when he married he allowed the relationship he shared with my mother to mirror the one he grew up with watching his parents.

   Truth is it was some really sad heart wrenching shit to accept because it was like finding out your black great-great-grandparents who worked on the Underground Railroad also owned black slaves. The revelation wasn't all bad though because I was glad to learn that my dad's acceptance of my mom's behavior wasn't random. He didn't stay with her for all this time just because he was fucked up from being stupid in love. He had learned to see that type of "love" as normal because it was damn near programmed into his head since he was a young boy himself so that love was all he knew. It's a trip because when we were little kids my pops would always say it wasn't mommy but the "drinks" that made her so tempermental. He always excused her behaviors and made it seem that she couldn't control her actions. When in essence it was he that couldn't control his actions. He couldn't control being attracted to and falling in love with a mean ass woman like my mom. He had never learned that love didn't hurt, never been taught that a marriage wasn't supposed to be miserable. He put himself in harm's way so that his kids could have a safe Haven growing up and I appreciate that but his actions always made me question how much of your own happiness should you have to sacrifice, because you love someone?!

   And even though we made it into adulthood virtually unaffected by their issues I was still scared by what I witnessed coming up. Paranoid that I would become my father or worse that my sister would become my mother. There is a quote I read in a book once that said, "the sins of the father falls on the son." So for a while I believed that I was destined and doomed to follow in my grandfather's and father's footsteps. Which would see me meet, marry and have kids with a dreadful woman who would treat me like shit. But you know what I said to myself...FUCK THAT!!! Because I also read a quote that says "talent tends to skip a generation." So in order to prevent my own kids from reliving my childhood or myself endure my father's and grandpops' marriage woes I vowed to NEVER get married. Because I figured out the key to a happy marriage is two fold...either you avoid marrying an asshole (which isn't guaranteed one way or the other) or you don't marry at all. I know it sounds extreme but fuck, what else am I gonna do?! I would rather raise my kids alone or have a lifetime live in girlfriend than find myself condemned by law after I say "I do". I refuse to be bound to a crazy bitch that will make me less of a man for the reminder of my life. Say what you want, judge all you can but I found a way to break the cycle, I know what must be done! No golden diamond encrusted mini ring cuffs for me EVER. I saw what getting married did to my grandpops and father so I have chosen not to go out that way...that's why I will always be like FUCK MARRIAGE!!!

 "Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring the greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

CONFESSIONS OF A BAD FATHER

 

   If I can be honest for a moment I want to share something that I have only said to myself and to the Lord if he was listening...I NEVER wanted children. I never wanted to have any little person of any gender calling me daddy. It just wasn't in my plans. In fact it wasn't even in my genes. My dad and mom were both rolling stones. My pops split before I was born and my mom gave me up for adoption soon after dropping me. So the concept of being a family man was a foreign thing to me and since I never experienced what being a part of a family meant I had no desire to have one. Growing up in the foster care system because I moved from group home to group home made me hard. And as I got older I became colder until eventually I was emotionally closed off from people. My only concern in life was my own self-preservation and the only person I cared about was me. End of story. Fast forward a couple of decades and I find myself at a crossroads and it all began with a passing glance. I was standing at the counter paying for my items when I saw the most beautiful example of a woman that my eyes had ever focused on. Now I can't say it was love at first sight but it damn sure was lust at the earliest notice. She was the definition of perfection and I don't know if it was the curve of her hips or the bust of her breasts or the focused look on her face as she settled down at the back of the coffee shop to read her book but whatever she had that commanded my attention...made me desperately want more of it and her!

   So our courtship began with an introduction and a simple hello. The mental and physical attraction was intense and immediate for the both of us and that magnetic pull resulted in a GLORIOUS one night stand. Truth is I had never been in love or felt the immense longing to be with a woman or any other person for that matter like I felt with her but after spending the first of what would be many nights in her presence that was all it took for me to know that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. So five and a half years later we were married. For the first time in my life I had someone that loved me. For the first time in my life I had someone that I loved. And for the first in my life I was happy. Then one night about seven months into our marriage it all seemed to come crashing down. My lady walks up behind me while I was washing dishes, hugs my back while caressing my chest and kisses my neck which was the unspoken signal that it was time to play! As I turn to face her she looks me deep in the eyes and she kisses my face. She leans up to my ear and gently whispers the words that I knew might one day come but desperately dreaded..."I want to have your baby." To any other man that would have possibly been the greatest thing he could hear from the woman he loved and cherished. But to me it was the equivalent to being betrayed by the closest friend, like finding out that Jesus was partners with Satan. Time passed and I did all I could to sabotage my wife's desire to be a mother and to prevent my entry into fatherhood. I did everything short of getting a vasectomy but as life always does it found a way.

   That day eventually came two years later in the form of a positive pregnancy test. My wife was beyond elated while I was severely deflated. But because I deeply loved her I put on my best face when I accompanied her to her ultrasounds. I smiled my best smile when she asked me to feel the babies' kick. I kept my voice filled with joy when we discussed the future arrival of our kids. Even with all the disappointment in my heart about having a family I actually held out hope that watching my twin girls come into this world would be the catalyst that would change my feelings about being a father. But their arrival did little to sway me. It actually made me despise the idea of being a father even more. I resented them the moment they were in my arms as I watched them open their eyes and listened to them breathe their first breathes. I hated them for what they had done to my perfect little life. I hated how much my wife and everyone else always talked about them. I hated rocking them to sleep and wiping shit off their butts ever fucking hour. I hated EVERY moment of every single day of being a father. I tried my best to be excited when they smiled the first smiles, when they spoke their first words and took their first steps but I just couldn't. Because their existence reminded me every day of what could have been and what I was missing out on. It got to be so much that one night I stood in the middle of their room and contemplated doing what my mom and dad did to me...just leave the house and never come back. But I didn't because my loyalty was to my wife so instead I sulked in silence and drowned my time and thoughts into my work, sports and anything else that I could find to distract me.

   I accepted my fate. I believed I was sentenced to suffer in the worst possible way I could imagine...living my life as someone I desperately didn't want to be and that made me hate our children even more for forcing me to accept that reality. It wasn't until after the twins 3rd birthday party that I realized that I had finally endured enough. I convinced myself that I would not waste another day in this place of mental torture. I would become the rolling stone that I long desired to be. So I waited until the house was quite and everyone was sleeping. I gave my wife a good bye kiss and slowly crept out of our bed. I took the packed bag out of the closet and made my way to the back door. I told myself I was doing the right thing by leaving because the veil of my unhappiness would eventually be lifted and that I would cause more suffering if I stayed growing more bitter. And even though I would miss my wife I knew she would be OK because she was strong and she would be a much better parent to the twins then I could ever be. So I turned to leave. As I opened the back door I experienced a divine intervention that ultimately changed my life. I was half through the door with my bag slung over my shoulder when I felt the slightest tug on my shirt which made me immediately freeze. In the faint light of the moon being cast through the door frame I made out the silhouette of two small girls. Our oldest daughter pulls on my shirt again and asks "daddy where are you going?!", followed closely by another question from her baby sister "daddy can we go with you?!" Perhaps it was the innocence of my offspring inquiring about where I was headed that forced me into a moment of clarity or just the shame of being caught trying to run away but whatever it was it caused me to step back into the house. I closed the door and placed my bag on the counter. I turned on the light so they could see my face. Their questions deserved answers, I owed them that much. But as I searched for a response I realized that I didn't have an answer to give them.

   The few seconds that they were standing there looking at me felt like days so I sat down because my confusion about how to answer them was causing me to feel lightheaded. And as I pondered how to tell them that I was leaving they climbed into my lap and just laid their little heads against my chest. They put their tiny hands into mine and for the first time in my life I was really seeing them. I held them closer and rocked them gently in my lap. It wasn't until that very moment that I accepted that I was not my father nor my mother. I was not a rolling stone. I was a family man. For the first time since their mother told me she was carrying them I knew that I wanted to be their father. It was in that moment of pure revelation that I did something that I had never remembered doing before, I cried. I cried so hard that it hurt my throat and chest. I cried so deep that it made my baby girls cry too. I cried so strongly that it woke my wife who saw us, said nothing, sat down beside us and cried too. That night I realized that my children were what I always wanted and needed but never knew. My wife and daughters, MY FAMILY made my life worth living. I had wasted almost four years hating our children and not appreciating all their milestones and wasting the precious memories that make the struggle of parenthood worth it. It is damn near tragic how I almost intentionally abandoned the best experience my life had every known. But as life would have it, I stopped short of destroying my own peace. I have made amends with myself which allowed  me to rededicate myself to being a father. Now I spend every moment with my girls who are growing up grand as if it is our last days together. I appreciate my wife more every day for bringing them into this world. Yes I never wanted to have kids and I never desired to be a parent but I am grateful that I am. I learned I have a greater purpose because I am a father. Now I know the true meaning of happiness because I have a family. These are my thoughts, the confessions of a bad father...who actually transformed into a pretty good one.

"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring the greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

I HATE My FATHER For BETRAYING My MOTHER

   If there was one person in the world that I respected more than anybody it was my father. To me he was the DEFINITION of a man. He worked hard, provided for and spent time with his kids and he treated my mother as if she was the only woman in the world. It was this devotion to her that made me respect him above everything else. So when I got married and had kids of my own I patterned myself after him. I applied the lessons he had taught me over the years to my own life. It was to him, that I owed my success as a husband and father to. So when it was revealed that he wasn't who I believed him to be, to say I was hurt does not do my feelings justice. There's a reason why you don't place people in your life on pedestals, it's because when they fall off of them...they fall down HARD on top of you! Crushing every word of high praise you ever spoke and smothering the life out of every single bit of respect you carried in your heart for them.

   My moment of clarity came in the form of a passing glance. I was out of town for a conference one weekend and decided I would go for a late night run to shake the stress of the earlier meetings off. While running on the cities' downtown streets I caught a glimpse of a couple locked in a lover's embrace sharing more than a couple of passionate kisses. It made me think of my wife and reminded me to call her once I got back to the hotel. By the time I had got closer to them they had already began walking again, strolling hand in hand quietly whispering and laughing to each other. As I passed them from behind I politely said "thank you" as they made space for me on the sidewalk to squeeze by. The man spoke to me, saying "No problem young blood." The spoken phrase as well as the voice was so familiar that it stopped me cold in my tracks so suddenly that I nearly tripped over my feet. As if in complete disbelief of what I had just heard I turned to face the couple to confirm with my eyes what my ears and heart had already knew to be true. Even in the moonlight bathed night sky I could clearly recognize the man's face. It was a face that I seen so many times in my life that I could have drawn it from memory.

   And it was seeing the man's face that my heart was immediately broken. Two states away on a street I had never been on I was standing in front of someone one so familiar it hurt. The face belonged to my father. And as our eyes made contact I knew without a doubt that my life would never be the same. In life we learn that sometimes the burden of knowing costs more than the bliss of ignorance. And it was one of those moments that I wished I had not experienced. I had just witnessed the man that I loved and revered above all become the man that I always despised and prayed I would never become...an unfaithful husband. After damn near 40 years of marriage this bastard had the balls to creep around on his wife, MY MOTHER. As I stood there facing him and his mistress I felt a pain swell in my chest that was equaled only by my rising anger. For the first time ever...I felt hate. A seething and painful hatred toward someone that I had loved so much. The words that finally escaped my mouth will probably be forever lost in the deepest parts of my memory because all I will recall is the rage that only comes with the feelings of pure betrayal.

   The greatest hero in my world had just revealed himself to be in fact the most sinister of villains. And it was on the way back to the hotel that I was forced to face how in the hell I was going to handle the information that I had just received. How would I tell my wife, my siblings and my mother what I had saw with my own two eyes. My idol. My example. My father had just committed the most unthinkable...unimaginable act of violation in my book. And now he had forced me into becoming a bigger villain than he was. Because it would be me who would sooner or later have to reveal his affair. I would be the one that would crush every one's image of the great man we all loved and respected. Nothing from that moment on would be simply black or white. Because what do you say when you know telling the truth will cause nothing but pain. I accepted the harsh but true fact...that everyone is flawed especially your heroes I also accepted another truth...that I hate my father for what I accidentally witnessed. I hate him for living a lie. I hate him for abandoning his vows and his marriage. I hate my father for betraying my mother...but most of all I hate my father for betraying me.

"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring the greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

I AM NOT A BABY'S DADDY!!!

 
   The other day, I was on the phone with my wife trying to follow her instructions to prepare dinner and as we were talking my attention is taken away from her by hearing my oldest son yelling for me to come to him. I immediately dropped the phone and ran upstairs to his room. As I skip the steps three at a time my heart is pounding like a drum. When I get there I see my oldest son and his two younger brothers standing over their baby sister who is motionless and lying face down on the floor. I rush to her side and as I turn her over I can hear myself screaming at them "Call 911!!! WHAT HAPPENED TO HER?! WHAT HAPPENED TO HER?!! As I check to see if she is breathing she opens her eyes and says to me in her sweet and innocent voice, "I'm OK daddy! We just wanted to play a trick on you! I'm OK really I am!" I hold her in my arms and just begin to rock her.
 
   My boys come closer to me and I bear hug them all. My youngest boy wipes the tears from my cheeks that I didn't even know were there and says, "Sorry daddy we didn't mean to scare you." I look at him and say, "I know it's alright." I look at his older brother, their gang leader and say to him "Well played young sir! Ya'll got me good this time huh?!" He smiles and before he can run, because he knows what's coming next, I grab him and turn him upside and shake him while he and his siblings laugh and try to help him get out of my grasp. We all laugh as I chase them around the house for a minute before I leave them to play amongst themselves so that I can call their mother back so she doesn't suffer the same heart attack that I almost did.

   It is moments like these spent with my kids that make me realize how important they are to my life. I do everything possible to give my wife and our children a good life. So I take it really personal when men especially brown men are labeled as being "absentee", "bad" and my least favorite "dead-beat" dads. I am not the exception because I along with millions of other men are EXCELLENT FATHERS. We are the example of what devoted fathers look like. Now granted there are numerous men that abandon their children and their responsibilities when it comes to caring for their kids and THEY. AREN'T. SHIT!!! But for every one man that does neglect his seeds there are 1000's more men that are a constant presence in the lives of their offspring. We are brown and beige. We are single and married. We are gay and straight. We are poor and rich. We are old and young. We are first timers and we are seasoned veterans. We are coaches on the sidelines and princess tea party VIP's. We are a force that doesn't get the positive attention but it's time we are awarded the recognition that we deserve.

  As with many things in this world it is the negative that draws the headlines but we are not focusing on the negative we are highlighting the positive work that men across the globe and across the stretches of time have been doing since our creation. Fathers will never be held in the same regard as mothers and that is how it is supposed to be because mothers are truly special. But the fact that seems to always be overshadowed is what the father means to the family dynamic. We are the providers and protectors regardless if we are company presidents or stay at home dads. As fathers we are important and we are needed. So whenever I hear the term "baby daddy" I instantly get offended and sick because a man who fulfills his God given duty to raise his family should not be reduced to a horrible slang term. That is why I loudly and proudly proclaim for myself and for all the other millions of men to whom it applies to that...

"I AM NOT A BABY'S DADDY...I AM FATHER!!!"

"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

To My DAUGHTER'S FUTURE HUSBAND

 

  Let me start this off with a bit of harsh truth. I don't have to like you. You don't have to like me either. But because my daughter has chosen you to become her husband...WE WILL HAVE TO RESPECT EACH OTHER. Now that doesn't mean that I neither like or respect you now because I do...a very little bit HAHAHAHA but I do. But it's just that this moment in my daughter's life is signaling a beginning to an end...in short SHIT JUST GOT REAL. This marriage is the proverbial nail in my coffin and I am just not ready to accept it yet. To your credit, you have had two things that have worked in your favor over the last couple of years...my daughter has really grown to love you and my wife her mother actually finds you pleasant but that wasn't enough for me to fawn over you and damn sure not enough for me to accept you as my "son". You have to understand that I have spent her entire life dreading this very moment, so forgive me if I do not share in your joint enthusiasm. You are now becoming much more than that polite and well groomed young man that our daughter continued to bring over to the house for dinner. You will no longer be just her boyfriend or her fiance. You are about to become so much more to her and to this family. You are about to walk down the aisle and literally take my baby girl out of my hands and away from me. You are about to change my daughter's last name from the one I gave her the day her mother brought her into this world to a hyphenated version that includes yours...so yeah I'm still a little sour about this whole marriage thing.

   For the last couple of decades I have been the most constant man in her life a staple of sorts. I have been the shoulder she cried on when assholes made tears fall from her eyes. I was in her corner encouraging her to punch back when the world had her up against the ropes. I has holding her when she smiled her first beautiful smile. I was standing behind her when she took her first steps. Talking to her when she spoke her first words. Sitting next to her in the passenger seat as she first learned how to drive. The loudest one clapping in the audience when she earned her first degree. I have been there for every important first in her life since she became the most important first in my life so you are accepting a monumental responsibility. You are about to take all that away from me and create a whole new world of firsts with her which I am both sad and happy about. But to be honest what bothers me most is that she will now be looking to you to help provide for her, protect her and keep her happy. You are taking away every job I had as her father and making them your own as her husband. Know that I wasn't perfect in that role but I did my best not to fuck up and you damn sure better do the same! You have never given me a bad gut feeling about your character or your intentions toward my baby (and fair warning I do know that ya'll have had sex but that is another issue I will address at a later time!) but that doesn't makes this pill any easier to swallow.

  You know by now how special she is to her mother and I. We have did our best to prepare her to stand on her own or by the side of a mate, so I can tell you that you are going into this thing with the best possible partner. But also remember that in that preparation we also taught her not to accept anything less than the best. Her mother taught her not to take any shit from any person let alone a man and I trained her what to do if anyone attempted to do give her any. So when you have your issues just remember she is my daughter and if you do ANYTHING that causes her to come home bruised, broken or in pain due to your anger whether provoked or not YOUR ASS belongs to me and her Uncle Speaker and her 12 little cousins will be coming to visit you. But the promises of retribution aside...I believe you to be a good dude if I didn't this wedding would not be happening with my blessing or our money. Our daughter is my legacy. She is my greatest achievement, one of the two halves of my heart and soul. So please understand that I will do everything in my power to see her happy in life which means I will protect and defend her with my last breath even if that means going against you. As the future "CO-NUMBER ONE MAN" in her life you will have to accept sooner or later that she will always be more than just your future wife and or mother of your children...she is the product of a great love and will be treated as such. A love that I am grateful to have experienced as you should be if you already are not. And until you have learned to appreciate and respect that fact you will ALWAYS be seen and treated by me as my daughter's husband instead of the son-in-law I would welcome with open arms. I am giving you the greatest gift that was ever given to me, so I beg you please...don't make me regret it.

Respectfully Still Number One
Your future wife's father

"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

YES!!! FATHERHOOD DID DESTROY MY LIFE!!!

   As I begin to write this a little girl who looks like a miniature version of me runs full speed into the den screaming at the top of her lungs, "DADDY!!! DADDY!!! COME LOOK AT WHAT I DID!!! COME HERE!!! COME HERE!!!" I push back from the desk and follow her into the living room where she presents the source of her excitement...a five course play doh picnic. She had carefully crafted numerous lumps of the colorful substance into shapes that resemble real food. I sit down next to her on the blankets, say grace and we begin to "eat". And as she passes me food to try, I think to myself...just how much of a GIGANTIC WASTE OF MY FREAKING TIME it would have been had I stayed sitting in my chair instead of joining her. And as it has been for much of the last 5 years, I routinely find myself doing the things that MATTER MOST TO HER than doing the things that I think are important to me. So instead of writing I took a break and shared a meal with my baby girl. We ate the play doh sandwiches, fries, strawberries and pizza and drunk the imaginary tea and juice. We laughed when we faked burped and even had a food fight (by the way play doh IS NOT as soft as it looks either)!

   Another good memory for both her and I to cherish. As we cleaned up (and we as in I did while she watched TV)  I realized how much I thoroughly enjoy her company and cool she can be most days. Because there are moments when she can be a consistent pain ESPECIALLY when she gives me attitude! But we have more good than bad days together as daughter and father and as with any relationship, that's the goal...to have more good than bad. So after she is in bed I come back to writing and as I focus on how to start this chapter I think about our picnic and other fun times we share. I reflected on how much her existence has transformed my life. I remembered how my life was before her and how it has been since she arrived. And it was the realization of that comparison that shocked me because I wasn't ready for the hard core truth. It made me recall years ago someone telling me before I was even close to becoming a father, "that when you have kids they change who you are and who you would have become without them."

   But what they neglected to tell me, probably on purpose, was that not only will having kids change you personally THEY WILL FUCKING DESTROY YOUR ENTIRE LIFE HAHAHAHAHA. Everything that you thought was important or wanted in life will not only take a back seat to their needs and wants but they will be thrown out the window and dragged until your dreams become unrecognizable. You will spend the next 17-23 years busting your ass trying to give them everything you had and or didn't have because you love them more than your own life and want them to be happy. They will force you to exhibit patience you never knew you had when they constantly and intentionally push buttons you never existed. They are loud, hungry, dirty, rude, smelly, aggravating, embarrassing yet entertaining mini versions of yourself and sometimes you will despise them for it. But after all the tantrums and tears you still love the little monsters because they are YOUR little monsters!

   Now before she was born I played Madden for hours on hours before and after work until my wife made me come to bed. I could go where ever I wanted and could hang with my boys for as late as I wanted. My time was MY TIME, I WAS FREE!!! Yes I was married but my lady was grown. She made her own money, drove her own car and had keys to our home so essentially even though I cared for her she didn't NEED ME to CARE FOR her...ya dig?! So in theory I was a man with no strings attached and no major obligations. That all changed the day our daughter left Heaven and came into this world. From her first breath to her last, it was now my duty as her father, my God given responsibility, to provide for her the best possible life I could. And in order to do that I had to grow, adapt and change into someone that I was not. It was a struggle at first but providing her with a quality of life became more important than fulfilling my own wants. So I traded Madden and my PlayStation for a diaper bag and a rocking chair. My happy hours for late night bottle feedings. Sportscenter for Disney Junior. Hanging out all night with my boys to sleeping on her bedroom floor until the early morning just to make sure monsters didn't get her while she slept.

   My life was forced into a COMPLETE 360 all without my consent. At times I felt I had been hoodwinked and bamboozled because I had no manual, no instructions and no right or wrong way to help raise this child. I had no idea how to be a father let alone become the most important male figure that my baby girl would have in her life. But I focused myself and made the choices that would remold me into what I prayed would be a better man. All because a warm hearted, hilarious, intelligent and beautiful little girl choose us to be her parents. Fatherhood is one of those things in life that can get harder to handle with time BUT I swear it is WORTH. EVERY. SINGLE. MOMENT. I am eternally honored and privileged to be a daddy. So, YES!!! FATHERHOOD DID DESTROY MY LIFE!!! But when it did, my life was rebuilt and I was given a new purpose. I even earned an awesome new title...HAVEN'S DAD! And in my mind that is something to be quite proud of.

"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

Almost, BUT NOT Quite MARRIAGE MATERIAL

    I guess my infatuation with marrying the perfect man began when I was a little girl. I would hang on every word in every book that my parents read to me about the princess who finds her prince. I would scream with delight at the end when they married and rode off into the sunset together to live their happily ever after. And because I thought that is what every little girl was meant to have I created in my mind the perfect image of what my future husband would have to be. Naively I held onto that image well into my young adult years. I never kept a boyfriend more than a couple of months because sooner or later they would eventually do something or I would find anything that would disqualify them as being marriage material in my eyes. It was always music to my father's ears when I would inform him that another boyfriend failed to make the cut. He would just respond, "Awww baby he wasn't good enough for you anyway." He didn't know it then but all the spoiling he did and the confirmations that no man was good enough for me made me believe that I would never have to change my expectations in my quest for a happily ever after. But after years of dating I hadn't found a man that I believed was marriage material, not one that was worthy of being my prince charming. The expectations that I was determined not to compromise on kept me single more often than I would've liked but I was happy with how my life had turned out so far...or so I thought I was.

   It wasn't until the day my three childhood friends (all married to great guys with beautiful kids...I hate those bitches HAHAHAHAHA) called and asked me what we were going to do for my 30th birthday. As I sat alone at home after the conversation it hit me. I began thinking about how successful I was and all that I had accomplished and then I realized that there was something still missing in my life. And I almost cried when I finally acknowledged what it was...it was someone special to share it all with. I blamed myself for living in such a fantasy world for all those years. I had forced so many decent men out of my life because they could not meet my expectations. They always failed to uphold the image of what my perfect prince and future husband was supposed to be like. In the end all of them were ALMOST, but not quite marriage material. So as I often did when I was faced with girl problems that I can't talk to my girls about  I called up my only true male friend, my big brother. He had always given me sound counsel over the years. Sometimes he was harsh but he was always truthful. He gave me great advice from a male's perspective but delivered it with the bluntness that none of my other friends would be bold enough to give me. So I waited patiently for him to pick up the line while listening to my niece run around with the phone screaming "Daddy!!! Auntie B is on the phone!!!" I hear his normally calm voice boom into the receiver "GIRL WHAT DO YOU WANT?! Do you know it's BED TIME?! We trying to get these kids to sleep and THEY RUNNING WILD! This BETTER be IMPORTANT!" As I quietly apologized for my call's disruption he sensed the seriousness of my tone and tells me to hold on. I can hear the muffled voices as he covered the phone obviously telling my sister-in-law something is wrong with me and he needed her to handle the kids alone tonight so he could talk with me.

   The sounds of my nieces and nephews rampaging throughout the house go quiet as he heads downstairs and closes a door. He comes back on the line with his big brother concerned voice..."Hey, sorry about that. What happened? Are you alright?!" And it was at hearing his questions that I lost it. I began sobbing uncontrollably. I confess how my outlook on my love life had drastically and painfully changed. I explain to him how I wanted to be that confident young woman who refused to settle just to have a man. But then I tearfully remarked how I desperately wanted a good man, how I wanted that good man to love me. I told him how I was so tired of watching everyone around me live happily in love. Tired of listening to the questions of when I was going to marry and have a family. I wanted my happily ever after with my handsome prince. I wanted the man that was the perfect example of marriage material. After about 20 minutes of listening to me cry and reveal all the emotions that I thought were nonexistent spill out like a flood he went quiet for a couple of moments then softly spoke. "B, can I tell you what the problem is and has always been?!" You've spent your entire life searching for a prince like the ones in your story books from when we were small. That's why they were called fairy tales...they are not REALITY. In the real world there are NO PERFECT princes! Just men that will love you and do their best to be perfect for you. I mean look at me I am the POSTER BOY of a non perfect man, husband and father but I try and that is what any woman or man wants from their partner. You have to give someone the chance to do that." As he continues to speak I listen intently instead of interrupting him with my normal sassy responses and rebuttals. He then said something that made me immediately stop crying and laugh out loud.

  He said, "I've been telling you since high school B that the bar you are setting for the men you date is so high that Jesus himself couldn't reach it. Based on your expectations even God isn't perfect enough to be your prince!" He laughed in response to my laughter and then the conversation turned from me sobbing away about my love disasters into a very productive and well need address of what I was doing and what I needed to stop doing. He told me something wise that he said Daddy told him hours before he himself was married. "Have requirements instead of expectations." I understood exactly what those words meant. I needed to have things that I would never break on but still be flexible enough  bend and accept other things. He went on to explain to me that men need to know that a woman is worth chasing. He pointed out that because of some of my ridiculous expectations most guys were either were cut too soon or they themselves chose not to pursue anything more with me. It was after our conversation that I did some reevaluating. I was finally in a place where I could accept that the problem wasn't always the suitors I was rejecting sometimes it WAS ME. I was causing my own "bad luck" with achieving happily ever after. I was the one limiting the opportunities that I had to met a good guy that would work hard and love me enough to strive to become my "perfect" prince. By dismissing every man that showed interest in me because he didn't meet my every detailed expectation, I was not giving them the time to show me that they were willing to fulfill my requirements. So after talking with my big brother and hearing the shared wisdom of our Father I realized that the men weren't the only ones that were not perfect, I had my flaws too. I was also the one who was almost, but not quite marriage material.

"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring the greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

WE'RE NOT BORN To Be RACIST...We Are Taught

    I would like to introduce you to Haven and Kendal, two intelligent and warm hearted little souls. They have known each other since they both learned to talk and walk. The great thing about these two is that they are extremely close friends. Now I know looking at them the two most obvious things that you notice is 1. they are beautiful little girls and 2. they know how to look GLAMOROUS in gowns. But there are two more things about them that may not be so obvious 1. that they are loved deeply and 2. they are SISTERS. Now even though they were born about five months apart to two different sets of mothers and fathers and they are raised in different households believe me when I tell you THEY ARE SISTERS. Both are daddy's little girls and momma's precious babies. They have big girl parties after hours (sleepovers). They will talk and giggle to each other on the phone forever if their parents let them. And yes they argue and fuss with each other too! Over toys, which movies to watch and other things but they will CRY THEIR EYES out when they have to leave each other. And it is that bond that makes hearing them laugh and seeing them play together an experience that will warm the coldest of hearts.

   Hav and K have created and share a bond that in the few years they have spent together has become a love that most people never experience in their entire lifetimes. As they have grown up together they have become more aware of the many differences they share and have on numerous occasions comically voiced their observations. They recognize that Haven has short brown hair but Kendal has long blond hair. They see that Kendal has green eyes but Haven has dark brown eyes. They are also aware that "Haven is chocolate and Kendal is vanilla!" So even though they are sisters it is clearly noticeable even to themselves that these two angels share a contrast of skin tones and physical features. And it is these characteristics that so many "grown ups" still seem to have an issue with...even in 2014!!! Now to some folks, it may seem odd that sisters can have so many differences but still be so close. But it is the beauty of their diversities that has allowed their youthful friendship to grow into a bond of sisterhood. Their relationship isn't special because of their natural variations IT IS SPECIAL BECAUSE IT IS NOT DEFINED by those variations. Even when they are fighting over space on the couch or over whose turn it is on the computer they never lash out at each other with hurtful insults spawned of a hateful contempt based on the differences of their individual skin tones.

 
   As parents we often are forced to view the world through our children's eyes. Forced to go against what society tells us that we should accept as normal for our kids. Forced to change the way we think about life and the people in it. It has been a very humbling experience watching them grow up and I thank the Lord that they have each other. I wish I could share the lessons I have learned from Haven and Kendal with the world because they have taught me that Friendship and Love is truly colorblind. These two little ladies have taught me that, if we as adults, have the courage to see through the eyes of our future caretakers and look past the colors of our own skin hues and others, we would be able to understand that no matter the differences that our beautiful shades have...we're not born to be racist...we are taught.*

*Special Thanks to my wife and Haven's mother Crystal and to Tyler and Claudia, Kendal's parents for allow me to us our children pictures and bond to make the world a little better. SALUTE*

"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring greatness out of those around them." - TWIL

DADDY'S SMART STRONG PRETTY GIRL

 

   10:56 AM. Saturday morning. January 31, 2009. I witnessed you fight for your place in this world. The doctors and nurses were in a professional panic trying to free the umbilical cord from around your neck so that you could breathe your first breathes. I watched as a doctor pulled you out of your mother's womb, severing the cord that for 9 months was giving you life but as you attempted to exit through the birth canal was attempting to rob you of it. I saw a nurse rush you over to a nearby table and then suddenly you were surrounded. My heart dropped a little because there was only the deafening audio of quiet whispers as they attended to you. Then that's when I heard the sound of a miracle. I listened attentively as your voice filled the delivery room with cries of life, the cries of a victorious fighter. I breathed a thank you prayer to the Lord. I thanked him for bringing you to us while simultaneously keeping your mother safe through the process.

    I huddled behind the nurses as they cleaned your tiny wriggly body. I witnessed them gently wrap you in blankets and cover your head with a white and pink hat. I took so many pictures and videos of you during the first 10 minutes of your life one would have thought I was the paparazzi and you were a world wide celebrity. But to those that didn't know this was the moment I had dreamed of for years. So yes I did feel like that fan who had finally had been awarded the opportunity to meet his favorite star. I was basking in the light of your glory. Since May of 2008 I had felt your kicks. I had seen your sonograms. I had heard your heart beats. But nothing compared to the moment when I first held you in my arms and cradled you against my chest. I walked you over to your mother who was out of it (thanks to the medications administered for your emergency surgery) yet even in a haze she smiled, kissed you softly and held you because she too was living out a dream. Our baby girl was finally here! It has been 5 years since that day and your celebrity status to us has never been higher. We are amazed and entertained daily by the charisma you have and share with us.

   It is as if the good Lord took everything, the good and bad that we both have, and all of the traits that your siblings who came before would have possessed and combined them to create you, a super version of an awesome child, a child that we are privileged to call our daughter. Your increasing intelligence and beauty is remarkable and it is only out shined by the pure goodness of your heart. Your life journey is exciting to witness because of all you have already accomplished in the short time that you have been with us.  To watch you growing up so grandly is such a blessing that we do not any moment we spend with you for granted. We are encouraged by your daily progress and we patiently wait to see what other marvels you will share with us in time. I just ask Haven that as you continue to grow up that you remain humble and good spirited. Don't let the world hide or take away that divine spark you wear on your face every day...your smile. Please know that no matter how far you go or how old you get, it does not matter what happens in your life...we will always be here for you. And even if you marry or have kids of your own you will always be able to count on another fact....YOU WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR DADDY'S SMART STRONG PRETTY GIRL. So today I am screaming loudly to anyone that dares to listen...

BLESSED 5TH BIRTHDAY HAVEN NICOLE!!!
 

                        
MOMMY AND DADDY LOVE YOU DEARLY!!!


"Those that have greatness in them also possess the power...to bring out the greatness...in those around them." - TWIL